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TF > BPD > Just my story, would like some company :)
I've come to a separation point with what I am so sure is my twin.
I will try and keep this short as possible, I could have made it 5x longer… but if you find anything interesting about my story please ask me.
Starting with me, I haven't lived a traditional life. I was always a shy, sensitive, eccentric child. I am now a quite open talkative person. I was the youngest of a parents second relationship, two half sisters. Went to 8 schools in 3 countries. Dad was always away working, my mum was only really interested in academics. I always felt different to the other children. I was forced to mature at a young age, become my own friend as children were cruel. Music became my best friend. I have only really started to take control of my life again at 25 as I began to fix myself out of a severe depression. I had no one and really felt like I had no one to talk to, something I'm fairly used to from my childhood. I have never had a serious relationship, I’ve always noticed how others get into them and declare love so easily. So it never bothered me that much that I hadn’t found anyone. I just got on with learning things and bettering myself.
Accidentally with help of lsd I got out of my depression, in hindsight I did not need to take drugs but it was the only thing around me that happened to let me see the light out of the depression for long enough to start taking responsibility for my past. I had a very intense sad trip which led me to eating a thumbprint dose on my own, this was a silly high dose I do not wish on anyone but I did feel guided through the whole experience, strangely like it was meant to happen. During this experience I also had a reawakening and saw how the system was shaping me and it all fell away. I returned back to my mum claiming I had woken and figured it out, she got very angry and told me I had lost my mind and said go to a doctor NOW! My mum is now waking up to a degree and is a becoming a beautiful person again, same with my father. In their older years of life I just want them to be doing things that make them actually happy, not what they’ve been told.
After growing out of this I have learnt to understand I am probably some kind of hypersensitive. I am extremely in tune with my surroundings to the point I swear I can see and feel energy others can't. My problem I think was being exposed to such a corrupt sad world, but with no one or without the thought that society may be being perpetuated, not just a bunch depressed rude people. Basically blamed the world's **** on myself.
New Years Eve 2015 I was at remote bush festival where I met this girl (18 years) though mutual friends that night. She came up to me out of nowhere on the 3rd day ( I didn’t even know she was there at all until this point) and told me I seemed really smart/different. I looked in her eyes and instantly felt it. Instant connection like I knew her life already. Hugging felt like time disappeared and once we made contact I felt a magnet to her the whole time. She said I've never met anyone like you before, I've never met anyone so similar. She said how amazing our hugs felt and I didn't say it back as I've never been able to confidently state things but I felt exactly the same. She has also changed schools, been bullied, smart sensitive girl, youngest of half brothers. Same eyes, body proportions, we have similar voices it goes on... We held hands all night and danced for hours, conversation effortless and when it stopped absolute comfort.
I have never believed in a soul mate, or the one etc... But after this holy ****, this was insane.
That night was amazing but I also found out she had a boyfriend. It didn't bother me as we were having fun in the moment. We have never kissed or had sex. We kept in contact everyday in text and saw each other at parties etc... We couldn't stay away from each other, we would almost just fall into each others arms. She spent pretty much the whole time with me and would go to her boyfriend every now and then to sort of remind him I'm still here. I hate to judge but he seems like a very emotionally simple and just general guy. She's a very smart, attractive girl who told me she's suffered from borderline personality disorder which makes this whole thing that much harder. I always thought and she even told me she is in a relationship to be normal, being normal seems to be a main theme of their illness. I think she's emotionally unavailable and this relationship is comfort and a statement of normalcy to the outside world. I said why try be normal, then what is normal, and societies concept of normal is so bent lol. She told me she wants to wake up with normal problems? Says to me she wants to identify with an illness instead of taking control of her insecurities etc...
She told me since knowing me since we met in 4-5 weeks she's been happier than ever, better than any drugs or therapy.
I never got to hang completely alone with her but I felt so high, higher and purer than any drug, like I had found something that just gets me. Like coming home, something to live for, to experience life with. A kind of love/feeling I did not know could ever exist. Being 25 now and being so alone but quite used to it, she was the most beautiful thing I had experienced in my life.
So I thought it time I asked to hang with her, get some food...go to the beach, she said she would love to but had plans which I did not believe. I saw her out a few days later with friends soon after and she said she's worried i see her more than a friend whilst she has a boyfriend. I sort of dismissed it and said I your special and I just want to know you better. She was very relieved and fell into my arms, I started to get confused.
This is when it all started to crumble. The next week I was messaging her. She was getting uncomfortable with my advances on her. She really could not handle any kind of complement or show of attraction from me… Looking back they were a little filled with ego but that's all I knew about trying to attract someone. I probably hung out in the physical with her max 12-15 hours alone but always in a group setting. We were texting and we started to argue, she denied any feelings for me, she said she didn't say/remember that she said things like I have never met anyone like you before whilst hugging me so tight. I could not believe what was happening. Till about 9 months ago I was not happy, my whole life filled with doubt and general depression, got over it and learnt to deal with it. Find amazing girl/soul get absolutely launched to space with relief only to have it destroy me. It was the biggest rollercoaster. Biggest ups that I didn't think existed to lows my god....
I realised I could not do anything but go through this purging and deal with it all. I felt a layer of conditioning removed that felt I had to suppress myself to females. I can see now societies empty ideal of love and relationships. Men get told to suppress emotions whilst women the opposite. However women seem largely objectified leaving them to create a sort of defence mechanism. I don't want to offend anyone here but I realised in my past how many situations a girl would manage to become the victim and turn every situation onto me. I am one of the most empathetic, respectful guys I think, and have dozens of friends close and acquaintances to back me up. I finally realised I was just simply a nice genuine guy to these girls. It seems a theme when girls meet a real guy they can’t accept it, basically in fear of abandonment. A lot of girls these days seem to end up being in a relationship with low emotional involvement so when it does go south it won’t be that bad. Going through so much yourself you learn to realise you have no idea what anyone else is going through. So I learnt I was just being nice to these girls, but in a way society has shaped it. So basically this fight/separation forced me to deal with everything stuck in my subconscious tainting my outlook. And that we essentially are all alone, but given everything we need to survive in this life on our own.
I was so upset and my lovely dog came up to comfort me when it clicked. My dog has unconditional love, they don't judge they just are. I love animals and have always felt like we get each other more than I would connect with a human. They are in touch with nature and being around them pulls you back into that natural vibration. I realised no matter what this girl does or doesn't do, says or doesn't say I will love her and I could not fight it. I learnt to accept her total being and in turn the love for myself and the world grew ten fold.
I felt my chest and head opening. I saw visions of like planets merging, like infinite sort of energy flows, ying and yang symbolism. So may be from my consciousness but damn I really don't think so. Synchronicity everywhere, I'd ask a question in my head about this being real, her being my twin and my calls were almost always answered. At some points I tried to fight the whole thing, denied the connection, I was lying down and could barely move. And at points the connection felt so strong I had to sit down in ecstasy, could barely see through the love. Its been so hard to just function day to day in 3D since meeting her. 11:11 has been haunting me since.
So a recap the last 4-5 months has been insane, my life will never be the same. Just when I thought I was awake the universe slapped me in the face. I felt like I have dealt with the worst of the purging and now I am in a more definite separation from her. On the 11th of the last month (was not aware of the date) I was done, I felt like I had grown immensely but she was still stuck on things very society condition based and definitely issues with her personality disorder. I send her a last message saying I am not going to pursue this anymore, her replies seemed so withdrawn etc… I quoted the OSHO capacity to be alone quote. I told her if you ever think about the real things that happened between us I’m here to talk but otherwise I cant play games.
She messaged me that afternoon saying she has made the same decision that day to be alone to work on herself, and that my message was strangely coincidental. She told me she doesn’t reply because she doesn’t want to hurt me, her boyfriend or herself. Shed love to be just friends but is worried were it could go. I swear we just used the word friends as a disguise for what this really was. I was definitely relieved and I said cool, lets just take it slow.
Time went on same karma circles……
The 11th of this month I broke down (also not aware of the date). I could not take the push pull from this girl that has never discussed what she feels but seems so keen to pursue something with the strength of this whole experience. She offered to meet up with me quickly as she heard I was crying. She seems quite awake and aware of the system now but she defended her old routines i.e boyfriend and just being normal. I could here her stutter and I could tell she didn’t believe what she was saying. As the conversation could not help but go deep she ended it quickly. A very loose brief hug and i left. Next day I was upset and basically laid out everything that was destroying me and whatever this is. I can say i have been quite harsh in pointing out her shortcomings but I can’t help it. She never once said I was wrong about anything. She said I was harsh but she never said stop?
I swear I can just see how she operates so clearly in a way that is making her and others unhappy. I feel like no one has the guts to call her out, very friendly cute smart girl, people just seem to let them get away with stuff. So in the last final argument i tried as hard to operate from the soul and leave her with thoughts whilst we seperate. She was ultimately sorry that she just wanted to be friends. ITS NOT THIS HARD TO JUST BE FRIENDS lol…
I told her I will always have a place in my heart for you regardless of anything ever,but I can’t continue whatever this relationship is like this. AT the beginning of this all I tried to just accept her a bit more, but every time I felt just in telling her off she would simply play victim and I would apologise, vicious circle.
In person at the beginning I could see the realness of everything in her eyes. BUT she would not let out an ounce of emotion after we had a few fights. I seem like a very ****ed off 13 year old teenage girl whilst she appears to be a rock. I have no diagnosed mental disorders (never wanted medication) but I make her look straight as hell lol. She almost had a way of calming me down. The first girl that can handle my energy, I am quite an intense person. She said to me she sees herself so much in me when I breakdown. The borderline personality element really complicated this whole thing, but this experience just seems way too much more than the effect of a borderline relationship. We never even got physical.
Now Im getting on with the notion that I am an amazing person and that she is missing out. I think she has enough ammunition to wake up and live true to herself with or without me. We live so close to each other and this whole experience has moved very fast in my opinion. I feel like we will end up together, something tells me it is close. But as we are learning about this relationship on this forum, I have to be OK either way. With all the downs though, every other aspect of my life is improving.
Any thoughts, comments, umms and aaahs. Id love to talk about anything as this place is really the only one :)
Love and peace to all!
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