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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Spiritual Development

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  #1  
Old 29-05-2020, 05:39 PM
Sarahpro Sarahpro is offline
Knower
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 180
 
Still not ok

Hi,
I’ve posted quite a few times in the last several weeks
Some fear came up for me a few months ago and I resisted it, hard. Repeated fear has led to feelings of profound emptiness, and mental fragmentation- very very rapid thoughts and ego defenses high. It’s hard to go thru life right now. I also opened up my crown chakra thru the process a few months ago and believe this is contributing to loss of sense of self (deprrsonalization) and confusion.
For weeks I was convinced love was the cure and tried to actively re-open my heart. At this moment it’s really really hard for me to accept the present moment/ to not try to “get out” of this “trap” feeling so disconnected from the world and so in my head. I would like to open my heart again.
I went thru a similar experience a few years ago triggered by mushrooms - less severe depersonalization - and it ended when I had a brief intimate encounter with a guy and my heart spontaneously burst open.
It’s hard right now to fool my mind that I am not constantly “secretly” waiting for this to happen again. I’m concerned and wary of the mental damage that is occurring. I can function decently but my ego structure is wonky.
I have NOT tried completely refocusing from my worried mind. I usually spend time worrying and trying to fix the situation.
What I would like is to feel connected to myself and my own heart again.
Saw a psychiatrist and he simply diagnosed me with severe anxiety and soma to form disorder and gave me some strong sedatives and believes it will clear up. But I am concerned about the lack of equanimity in mind and the emptiness
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  #2  
Old 29-05-2020, 06:51 PM
JustASimpleGuy
Posts: n/a
 
Are you doing a lot of meditation?
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  #3  
Old 29-05-2020, 09:29 PM
davidmartin davidmartin is offline
Master
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 1,082
 
if you could imagine what the path was to where you want to be, what would it look like?
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  #4  
Old 29-05-2020, 10:50 PM
inavalan inavalan is offline
Master
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 5,089
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarahpro
Hi,
I’ve posted quite a few times in the last several weeks
Some fear came up for me a few months ago and I resisted it, hard. Repeated fear has led to feelings of profound emptiness, and mental fragmentation- very very rapid thoughts and ego defenses high. It’s hard to go thru life right now. I also opened up my crown chakra thru the process a few months ago and believe this is contributing to loss of sense of self (deprrsonalization) and confusion.
For weeks I was convinced love was the cure and tried to actively re-open my heart. At this moment it’s really really hard for me to accept the present moment/ to not try to “get out” of this “trap” feeling so disconnected from the world and so in my head. I would like to open my heart again.
I went thru a similar experience a few years ago triggered by mushrooms - less severe depersonalization - and it ended when I had a brief intimate encounter with a guy and my heart spontaneously burst open.
It’s hard right now to fool my mind that I am not constantly “secretly” waiting for this to happen again. I’m concerned and wary of the mental damage that is occurring. I can function decently but my ego structure is wonky.
I have NOT tried completely refocusing from my worried mind. I usually spend time worrying and trying to fix the situation.
What I would like is to feel connected to myself and my own heart again.
Saw a psychiatrist and he simply diagnosed me with severe anxiety and soma to form disorder and gave me some strong sedatives and believes it will clear up. But I am concerned about the lack of equanimity in mind and the emptiness
Sorry for your pain.

I don't feel that I should try to give advice in such matters, but your post stuck with me, and by chance, browsing another forum, I read this post that I thought might interest you (I know nothing about its author):

Quote:
Just wanted to mention, I know this hasn’t been posted on in a while, but as someone who has struggled with extreme fear, PTSD, panic disorder and frequent panic attacks, as well as generalized anxiety, deep depression, mood swings, ‘bipolar’ and various other ‘issues’ since I was a young child (the first severe panic attack I remember, though I didn’t know what it was at the time, occurred in the 2nd grade after moving overseas), Seth’s advice totally works for childhood PTSD, and in my experience, I was better off with no therapist, because their training doesn’t allow for this kind of paradigm shift. Just going to the source of a belief causing the fear and acknowledging it as a belief, over and over has shifted my life dramatically in a completely new direction. And even though the fears were programmed in childhood, in fact many of them I recognize as ones I picked up from my mother in infancy, you can absolutely find them. They’re not hidden somewhere, though it does take awareness and the ability to sit with the emotion as you move backward to the belief. What Seth talks about with going back to childhood memories that are negative in nature and rewriting them with vivid pictures has also been very helpful for me. It’s allowed for forgiveness in areas of abuse and betrayal that I never would have thought possible. This, coupled with replacing the fear of fear and fear of other ‘negative’ emotions with the excitement of the hunt for truth in myself has drastically changed my fear levels and ability to be in the world.

I was in therapy and on various medications for 17 of my 30 years, and I am now off all medication and live with a peace and joy I would not have thought possible. And don’t sell yourself short and think you need help outside of yourself. The answers are all inside, you just have to look and listen for them. If you do ask for help, reaching out to your higher self or other selves can be very helpful as well. They’ll answer, even though it may not be in the way you’re expecting. And I find reading bits of the various Seth books daily helps remind me of the truth and keeps me moving toward higher and higher thoughts and vibrations.
__________________
Everything expressed here is what I believe. Keep that in mind when you read my post, as I kept it in mind when I wrote it. I don't parrot others. Most of my spiritual beliefs come from direct channeling guidance. I have no interest in arguing whose belief is right, and whose is wrong. I'm here just to express my opinions, and read about others'.
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  #5  
Old 29-05-2020, 11:51 PM
ant
Posts: n/a
 
Fear is debilitating and splinters from the identity,to become the driving force.

Look at your fears and see what's holding you back.: )

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”
— Marie Curie
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  #6  
Old 02-06-2020, 06:14 AM
Sarahpro Sarahpro is offline
Knower
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 180
 
Thanks for all the responses everyone.
That is a really good question- what do I want my path to look like. I have been asking that lately and have NO idea.
I had a similar experience a few years ago- dark night - and what helped was volleyball - gave me a good healthy ego, something to be proud of - and The encounter with that guy, which allowed my heart to open.
I was also doing yoga daily but I have no idea if it helped or how.
At the moment..... the only way to progress, in my mind...is at LEAST to develop an ego. So maybe every day I should focus on things I’m good at or like about myself. The true way forward is definitely for my heart to open but that’s a little harder to control.
I’ve been taking Ativan for a week and this is the first time I have gotten a healthy ego again- feeling safe to be alone, ok to do activities and not worry or go on forums, and feel DECENTLY proud enough to go out and socialize if you can even call it that. This is a bandaid fix and I realize it isn’t sustainable. I need this healthy ego. In my mind it’s either that or love.
So....I am working with this amazing guru woman. She insists her unique yoga practice will help form new connections in my mind, strengthen my energetic body etc. Ideally this will improve my sense of safety within myself, my healthy ego, and my connection with the world. The uncertainty of it is hard to it’s hard to stay motivated. I was really doubtful and for weeks didn’t do it, but then I realized, this woman is INCREDIBLY wise and earnest and I have told her all the details about my wonky mind and she still believes in me.
So yeah....going forward I would like to feel progressively more grounded and safe in my being (1st chakra), more excited about pleasure (2nd) more proud of myself (3rd) and really really to open back to love to myself and the world.
The closest I came to really feeling alive was Friday - I had taken the meds - showed up feeling decently confident and was really really open and in tune to this amazing connection between me and this other guy there.
I felt soooo good about it and obviously became obsessed, invited him to my friends volleyball group this evening and just felt so withdrAwn and wanted attention but did not want to talk for want of anything to say besides wallow about my mental health.
My dream is to experience a physical and energetic connection with this guy or with someone else I feel attracted to, in order to open up parts of me again. I’m terrified of conversation. I have nothing to say anymore and I think my closed heart chakra just creates such a lack of desire to really chat. But that physical/energetic desire was there.
But for now, I also need to follow the methods that allow me to do this independent of someone else... Cuz i mean .... I am NEVER usually the type to be upfront and ask “do u want to come to my house” and a) I want to but am terrified he’d reject me and b) I know my obsessiveness pushes him away and c) I’d have to go thru obstacles of conversation ... I know it may sound like I wanna use someone physically but really I just long for connection and just don’t feel too much of a conversationalist...
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