“Clingy and needy?”: Perspective wanted

[PaperPrincess]

I realize most people have a tendency to act “clingy” and/or “needy” sometimes, especially when we meet someone we really like. I have acted this way in the past, and it negatively affected relationships that were very important to me. It is an issue I have actively worked on (and am continuing to work on) by focusing on/learning to love myself through therapy, energy work, spiritual development, participating in my hobbies, and studying psychology; as well as trying to meet more people so I don’t get overly attached to any specific person.

As part of the whole “meeting more people” idea, I signed up for a dating site, and yesterday I met up with one of the guys the site matched me with (“Joe”). He seemed cool and we had a nice chat over coffee, but I wasn’t really attracted to him, and it felt more like having a pleasant conversation with one of my coworkers or neighbors.
However, it’s been my experience that sometimes that “spark” or “chemistry” doesn’t always develop right away, so I figured that if he said he wanted to see me again, I’d give it 1-2 more dates to see if I felt differently later on. At the end of the date, Joe said he wanted to go out again and asked for my number.

This morning when I checked my email, I saw that last night Joe had sent me a message on the site, and left comments on a few of my pictures. And before I had time to respond to any of that, he sent me a text. I was in a meeting at work and quickly wrote back that work was busy and I couldn’t reply further. He continued texting me anyway, I turned my phone off and waited to reply until I got out of the meeting. He asked me out for Saturday and I agreed, then suggested we go out on Sunday too. I already have plans for Sunday, so I told him I wasn’t available.

On my lunch break, I logged on to the dating site to reply to a message another guy had sent me, and almost as soon as I had logged in, Joe sent me a chat request. I ignored it, replied to the other message, and logged out.

So it would be helpful to have some perspective: Personally, I find Joe’s behavior to be overly clingy, especially since we just met. However, I have a history of getting too attached to people who aren’t really interested in me, and being dismissive of those who do show interest, so I’m not sure if I’m being fair in my observations. What do others think?

Also, if I realize that I’m truly not interested in seeing him again after Saturday, any advice on how to end things in the most kind and compassionate way possible?

And one more thing—I know that “like attracts like,” so the fact that I seem to still attract people with clingy/needy tendencies shows me I still have stuff to work on. But I’ve been working on this and thought I was doing better—any advice on how to further address this issue within myself?

[starling]

The "He continued texting me anyway" line gives me VERY bad vibes. YOu know what happened but that sounds like it needs bringing back into line.

"lso, if I realize that I’m truly not interested in seeing him again after Saturday, any advice on how to end things in the most kind and compassionate way possible?"

Yes, say no thank you.

For goodness sake, let's not takes this in-love, don't hurt him/me scenario too far. You haven't been going out for 10 years. Say thank you for your company last time, you are going to give it a break for now.

It's a dating site and if he isn't prepared for that answer he has no business joining or using the site.

As for spark or chemistry and wonder if that's expecting too much? You said you had "a nice chat". That's all I'd be looking for. Wasn't that worth something?





Do you have common interests?

[PaperPrincess]

^Thank you for your perspective, that is helpful. The fact that he continued texting me after I said I was busy with work did seem like a "red flag" to me, but I was wondering if I was being overly sensitive.

Yes, a "nice chat" was all I was really expecting, and it was a pleasant enough way to spend an hour. That's fine.

[starling]

Originally Posted by PaperPrincess

^Thank you for your perspective, that is helpful. The fact that he continued texting me after I said I was busy with work did seem like a "red flag" to me, but I was wondering if I was being overly sensitive.

Yes, a "nice chat" was all I was really expecting, and it was a pleasant enough way to spend an hour. That's fine.

No, I'd be very wary, you can't have that happening.

[Spectral1212]

Sounds like you have made great strides, huge strides. I agree with what David said. As for the Law of Attraction, you will attract like minded people but you might always have a few people attempting contact but not being as enlightened or mature. I would not read too much into it, if you aren't interested, that's just the way it is and he'll have to accept it. It's sort of sad when you get to the place you are and you can see so many people have the same issues you once had. But you should feel very happy that you are past feeling clingy.

[Crwydryn]

I'd say be careful. It is a massive red flag for me. Acting like this after one date reeks of a psychopath/sociopath trying to lovebomb you.
(I got burnt once so I would immediately think he is one of them)
But even if he is not, he certainly has some issues.

[LilMariposa85]

If you are acknowledging that you are a self professed clinger, then you are manifesting people just like you perhaps to teach you to let go of old patterns. However, a guy like that raises red flags. He could be a domineering type that might eventually turn abusive later on.

I signed up for dating websites a long time ago. My advice would be to just cancel the account. If you are anything like I was, you thought there was something lacking in your life or there was something wrong with you because you are single. Guess what? That manifests losers right there! I've met some guys who I considered friends/acquaintances, but don't recommend it for finding "The One." You have no idea who you are likely to meet on those sites. Allow fate to guide the footsteps of guys that come into your life, because maybe you'll attract ones that are healthier for you.

[Captain]

Beautiful post from LiliMariposa85 above. May I add:

I don't like or use the adjectives "clingy" or "needy", ugly unnecessary insulting words. Yes there are pathological behaviors like this online guy who can't respect the fact you are in a work meeting, yikes! A healthy response to that would be to disengage immediately.

When we experience enough inner love, we are able to accept and protect others who are in "vulnerable" states. Real people feel vulnerable when they fall in love, a lot at first, then hopefully less and less but can reoccur in response to circumstances. It is our responsibility when starting a new relationship to create a safe space for genuine love to grow. When you don't get it from your new partner, that's what you call clingy.

See yourself as a beautiful genuine sensitive person, period. And I agree, let go of the online game, not healthy.

[starling]

Agree with everything in post 7/8 etc.

I can't help thinking this notion of finding "the one " is a dangerous mythical road to try to go down.

There is a very dubious social conscience now to rely on anyone you don't know really, really well. The internet revolution has done us little favours in my opinion.

Joe is just being interested in you at this stage. Far too early to be clingy and sending texts isn't much of a "cling-factor".

If you find this level of cling too overwhelming it's maybe better you ditch him now to avoid any ambiguity. After all, it's only one date plus a few txts.

Because he wants to see you on a particular day also isn't a sign of clingy. It's still traditional for men to ask the females out. He has to take the initiative. You can't make it on that day. That's where it's at.

But from your concluding remarks you're better off backing out now while the going's good.