Becoming a fearless awake woman in the world

[bluebird21]

Hi all, first I want to say this is a very sensitive thing for me to bring up... So please, respect and kindness are a must if you respond. Thank you.

I recently had an extraordinary experience of transcendence after doing a cleanse and practice. I did a month long meditation retreat at the beginning of the year and have been noticing shifts in how I experience myself since. I experienced breaking out of linear time and was completely in the NOW. In this place, there was no birth, no death, I was absorbed in Pure Awareness, and I was free.

I kept telling my mom I am you and you are me, that there is no birth and no death. She ended up bringing me to a psych ward because she was very freaked out (we speak different languages as it is...) and I was involuntarily admitted, not based on how I presented, but largely on all my mother's concerns. I was forced to take meds which made me horribly sick. I fought for my life and was let out of there eventually, on none of the meds they tried to give me, with no diagnosis. I've since gone back to experiencing linear time (identifying with my thoughts of past/future) and am more grounded (in my body.)

The experience of being so utterly misunderstood and traumatized to such an extreme has shocked me. I've emotionally shut down since this experience. I mean Jesus...

This experience has triggered tremendous grief. Memories of being an awakened woman in past lives in which horrible things were done to me have surfaced. I feel like a deer in the head lights emotionally, I'm not even meditating out of fear of feeling this wound of feeling like I can not be who I am in this world.

Ladies, how have you/are you healing the burned at the stake wound? Whatever it specifically was for you, the wound that says you can not be your wide awake big hearted witchy self in this world or else you will be severely punished. I know many have it...

I want to stop being so terrified.

Thank you.

[alcyone]

I'm really sorry it happened to you. I feel like, deep down, I just don't have the ability or strength to help, even though I understand you.

I feel the same way. It is hard being your self in this world, it would be nice to be surrounded by people with similar expressions of self. But that's not really possible.

However, I have a belief that our next life will be better. We will be accepted, understood, welcomed, and even the leaders of that life.

I'm assuming you are in your late twenties or early thirties?

At this age, the heart chakra begins to awaken, and with that the whole experience changes.


This may be something you are going g through. However, the choice is yours, open your heart the way you did, or stay asleep like all the others. There is a way to open your heart and not scare people around you. <3

I'm kinda in the same place as you though, my authentic self wants to emerge... Yet "i" am scared to let her out, because I honestly know that no one will understand me.

I wish you well in your life...

[bluebird21]

Originally Posted by alcyone

I'm really sorry it happened to you. I feel like, deep down, I just don't have the ability or strength to help, even though I understand you.

I feel the same way. It is hard being your self in this world, it would be nice to be surrounded by people with similar expressions of self. But that's not really possible.

However, I have a belief that our next life will be better. We will be accepted, understood, welcomed, and even the leaders of that life.

I'm assuming you are in your late twenties or early thirties?

At this age, the heart chakra begins to awaken, and with that the whole experience changes.


This may be something you are going g through. However, the choice is yours, open your heart the way you did, or stay asleep like all the others. There is a way to open your heart and not scare people around you. <3

I'm kinda in the same place as you though, my authentic self wants to emerge... Yet "i" am scared to let her out, because I honestly know that no one will understand me.

I wish you well in your life...

Alcyone, thanks so much for sharing. Yes, that's how I feel too. Lol at the there is a way to open your heart and not scare people. I honestly feel like all I do is scare most people when I'm being who I am. Very lonely... I think the key is discernment, something I am developing now.

It does seem that because of the way the world is, awakened women are more often than not on the fringes. Unless, they learn how to work the system. I would really like to be accepted, respected, and lead in this life. But the reality is I will never be understood and accepted by most people. I lived in a Buddhist community for two years and even in that community I was called "dark and mysterious" and was judged by some for not really being a Buddhist lol. I will always insight fear in some.

Maybe the point is not being accepted... but it's fully accepting ourselves despite not being accepted by others... and becoming WISE about this world

We deserve to give ourselves our whole beautiful selves, screw society.

[bluebird21]

Blessings to you sister. You sound like an amazing woman and I hope you allow your authentic self to emerge.

This world isn't going to change until we start making that choice.

[Silver]

I think a lot of people are going through this - and it's been happening up through the ages. Remember that you said to your mom that you are each other (something like that). We can't give a home to the 'screw society' feeling even if it's sort of a truism - but it's all a part of the changing - which takes hundreds-thousands-millions of years. (Remember what Elle's dad said in the movie Contact? - well it's like that.)

I'm sorry for what you went through because of speaking out - that's the danger of speaking out. But it doesn't change what you've come to learn and embrace inside your psyche.

Since I started studying and talking online about Buddha and Buddhism about 2 + years ago, I've learned how to handle these difficult things in and of life. If you like to read, try Old Path White Clouds, which is the biography of the Buddha by Master Thich Nhat Hahn (TNH for short). It's an enchanting read with pretty much all the basics.

You're right - we don't have to scare people, so we keep in mind what we know and try not to display too much for the person you're with. That we're trying to master this amazing stuff, should make us proud in a good way. (And we never know it all.)

[ocean breeze]

First rule of Fight Clubs is: You do not talk about fight club.

Second rule of Fight Club is: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB.



Consider it the Spirituality Club or Zen Club.

[Sugar-n-Spice]

Third rule of fight club is "Don't worry I'm ok!"

I empathise with you bluebird I have been through much more than I care to present here. I haven't warmed up to the witch title there was one girl who was freaked out by me in school and she used to liken me to one in a negative manner...i may have to complete this post at a later time as i am rushed a bit but everyday is somewhat a struggle in this area, so I take it bit by bit and try to stay centered and remember who i am at core and top. The environment reflects in my heart constantly so I can't lose track although others would like to have it their way. I tend to follow this east Indian saying and keep the matters of the heart in the heart, this way people may be dancing around what they think matters to me but they have no idea.

[Deepsoul]

Bluebird ,,You are in Kundalini right ,,well Yes its full on here too ,,i also have cfs ,,its challenging ,, i find it super difficult to find the authentic self ,,but believe now she is one that has love as her priority ,, i absolutely must be more feminine in my approach to all matters ,,meaning ,,a soft love ,, my wild woman has been laid to rest to a degree ,,but only because she had much dysfunction,, everything i try seems to only work for small amounts of it ,as i stumble ,,fall,,and try again ,,,but this deep soft ,,compassionate love im developing is the best so far ,,, kundalini def leaves you feeling like sushi and there has to be constant grounding ,,i doubt the masculine in me will return that much,, much as i love my hubby ,,his dysfunctional behaviour eventually drove me crazy ,i also had many issues, thing is none of that matters ,we are both learning to love more ,,i used to be a hottie lol ,,now i am well ,,lets say compromised ,,cant walk much ,,put on weight etc ,,none of this matters ,what matters is Love ,,love of self ,,love of God ,,whatever that means to the individual ,,and love of others ,,we are all dealing with intimacy and fear issues ,,and only Love can show the way. hope some of that made sense,,truly appreciate your post ,,hang in there Sister!

[Shivani Devi]

I love you, bluebird. *hugs*

When you have that awareness, you do not tell anybody unless they ask or you are in a place that understands and encourages it, like SF. Whenever I get 'spiritually manic' my mum just says; "that's nice, dear...whatever you say, dear"...then changes the subject; "let's talk about my hemorrhoids instead..."

Many people are afraid of it and they like to give it the label of being 'mental illness' or 'demonic possession' or something else to try and make sense of the awakened state.

Thing is, you have to also speak from that state when you do and not try and give a second-hand account of it yourself. In other words, let God do the talking.

I mean, of course my mother could have had me committed (or tried) when she saw me sitting naked, covered in ash, chanting praise to Rudra and doing the Yajna Homa (fire purification ritual) the other day, because it's not what 'normal people' do, right? Not unless you are a normal, Hindu Aghori anyway. lol

However, she knows as well as I do, that if she ever tried it, I'd be like this, to all the quacks and psychiatrists: "This is my religion/spiritual beliefs! It is who I am! I am God, you are God, everything is God! so, would you like this aspect of the Divine to take another aspect of the Divine to court and sue for Religious Discrimination just because another aspect of God, in the form of my mother disagrees with what I am doing? Yeah, tell me who is gonna save you when you stare death in the face, mother!"

There's no way anybody gonna shove pills down my throat against my will!

You have to understand that in order to have the awareness and to gain the all, you have gotta be prepared to risk losing it all after the fact, as well. It's not a half/half deal here, it is an 'all or nothing' one and if it means you have to cut ties with your own mother, your own flesh and blood to pursue your spiritual path without her sanctioning you into an institution and being doped up to the eyeballs, so be it!

I have the most powerful, awesome, incredible form of Lord Shiva inside me...right inside here! and tears are streaming down as I acknowledge His presence to you. This is what makes me strong and I have to avail myself of that strength in other aspects of my life right now, but not when it comes to other people and 'the evil that men do'...we've pretty much got the number on that whole deal already.

All the best.

[Shivani Devi]

I honestly feel like all I do is scare most people when I'm being who I am.

That is an awesome, wonderful feeling for me that I'm only starting to appreciate and get used to after struggling with it for so long. Scare your mother, scare the doctors and if they try to involuntarily admit you again, demand a 'court order' as you are not at risk of harming yourself or another (which is the basis for an involuntary section 6)...yeah, I know how to play the game and so I show up these mortal idiots for what they are and the games they like to play....then, they get so scared, they leave me alone to my own devices and to do whatever I want...which is all I ever wanted in the first place. YAY!