Need advice about a work colleague

Originally Posted by norseman

Tilia, Rule of Thumb.
25% of the people you meet will like you
25% -----------------|----------------dislike you
50% -----------------|----------------be half way between.

There are always bad apples in the box somewhere.

Why do they seem to manage to employ the person I work with from that 25% that don't like me

[astralsuzy]

I always thought most people will like you. A very high percentage. There is always someone that does not like you. Either way it does not matter. You work with this person, you will have to make the most of it and try not to let her upset you. I would only talk to her politely of course, when you have to. Even if you did have someone to talk to about it, it is not always a good idea to do that as it can make the situation worse.

[Mathew James]

Originally Posted by tilia

... she isn't happy about moving. She was stores manager, over 3 people... now she is equal to me...

sounds like she has a reason to be upset.


mj

Originally Posted by Mathew James

sounds like she has a reason to be upset.


mj

She also was in the thick of the comings and goings of the company, now she's tucked away with me.

Our boss probably saw it as a move upwards, she was very stressed in her old job and complaining about the physical lifting. The new job, in our boss's eyes is very important but she's just not interested.

I do feel sorry for her, it probably is a sucky job. When I was given my half of it I was told I would be made redundant if I didn't do it coz there wasn't enough work. 3 years on I sort of enjoy it but only because I am determined, I don't think she has the same level of determination.

I will try to be ok with her when we go back on monday.

I realise that I am making a massive deal out of something that others will probably see as tiny.. I guess I'm not used to people being nasty any more because I have worked so hard to filter those types out of my life and fill it full of wonderfully kind people.

[astralsuzy]

I understand how you feel. It is not nice but that is the way it is. Everyone has muck and disappointments in their lives and we have to try and cope the best way we can. I wish life can be easy without any problems but it will never be that way. People could say we are meant to have problems otherwise we will never grow spiritually. If everything was too easy we would not learn anything. Just a thought.

Originally Posted by astralsuzy

I understand how you feel. It is not nice but that is the way it is. Everyone has muck and disappointments in their lives and we have to try and cope the best way we can. I wish life can be easy without any problems but it will never be that way. People could say we are meant to have problems otherwise we will never grow spiritually. If everything was too easy we would not learn anything. Just a thought.

Oh absolutely!!!!! I guess I want to learn this lesson asap as it appears to be a running theme.

It's cool... I've get over it.

Those who have low confidence often aren’t receptive to others trying to help them if she is just not ready for this. Not only do you have the self confidence that she doesn’t possess, but you have the strength to try to reach out to her. Two strikes against you.

That she notes she has a boring life unlike you you shows she is probably doing some unhealthy comparing. Saying negative stuff about your self likely only steers her (albeit unintentionally) into more negativity. Rather than knocking your self off the pedestal for her (not your job as you didn’t put your self up there), reframe it as happiness being a personal decision. This puts the responsibility back on her.

You could say something like finding peace & happiness was a personal growth issue you dealt w/ too until you realized that happiness was an active choice, but don't be surprised if this isn't received gratefully because not only will you be self confident & strong, but also in command of your energies. Three strikes, you’re out!!! LOL.

No matter how much we want to help others, we can only give them useful tips. You never know when something you said will be part of what makes sense to her in the future. They have to do the learning & processing of this their self when they are ready & this may or may not be in this lifetime. You can see that it may be unnecessary & damaging to her self worth w/ how she looks at her self & denigrates her self, but you can’t jump in her head & change her thoughts for her. Nonattachment to the result of giving these useful tips is the key for you having a productive position for your self.

Don’t worry about her snarky comment (if we were all as intelligent as you). It isn’t unusual that some develop this love/hate relationship w/ those they admire yet resent, feeling inferior to. Her problem & issue to resolve. You need not own her energy. If she comes out w/ more snippy stuff a direct approach, but one completely devoid of anger can be effective in asking her why she said whatever. The more blandly that one can ask this the more effective it is as it makes it plainly clear that you have no intention of getting throttled w/ the nonsense of drama. If it is necessary to address a comment such as she made, keep the focus on her (why she made this comment & how she feels) & don’t let her redirect it to you. She may be acting out w/ her frustration about feeling inferior in trying to throttle you into some drama. This might be her awkward way of feeling some power over you. Don't take it personally.

Appreciate that her snarky comment is really saying much more about her feeling inferior than your feeling superior. Don’t take her lead & overreact to her overreaction. This will only continue her negative energy. At least she admitted that she was the one who left the key in the safe when she could have been silent, letting another coworker from being grilled about it. It might be a useful way to resolve/defuse this to comment to her privately (Tuesday car ride if you are alone?) that you appreciated her being frank about the key incident when she could have remained silent. She might be feeling a bit embarrassed about blurting that out by now. (It might be useful to point out to the entire staff that keeping the safe actually locked w/ only limited personnel having access to the key protects them from being a suspect should someone pilfer it.)

Don’t worry about being nice, or becoming freinds, just be professional, neutral, & do your job. You aren’t her personal (self esteem) life coach & if she senses that you feel sorry for her this might fuel resentment. This isn’t to be uncaring, but just to have productive distance (nonattachment) from her issues. Let her open up the issue of how can I be happy or have self esteem, then be completely OK about it if she doesn’t.

[NightSpirit]

some people are perpetual whiners. Some have no faith in their own ability. Some can clash for no particular reason. Some are just not happy souls outside of their work and this filters through into the job. Whatever her reasons, she will be who she is. You say you'd rather avoid confrontation and understandably so, but if it needs to come down to that, then so be it. Just be up-front with her...you will know the right things to say..."umm..i know we have to work with each other. I'm sure we'd both rather not, but under the circumstances, can we agree to get along and leave the snide remarks to one side? I have no beef with you and have been asked to teach you a job that i'd prefer not to. So we both have problems with this new set-up." blah...blah...

Mattie, thank you. You have given me a lot to think about. I will probably read what you have written a couple of times as it makes a lot of sense.

You are a star!!!

I admit I am aware that putting myself down to make others feel better about themselves is not productive, and often harmful to me, but it is easy I will definitely think about what you have said there.

NightSpirit.. thank you for your reply too, that also makes a lot of sense.

[NightSpirit]

Originally Posted by tilia

Mattie, thank you. You have given me a lot to think about. I will probably read what you have written a couple of times as it makes a lot of sense.

You are a star!!!

I admit I am aware that putting myself down to make others feel better about themselves is not productive, and often harmful to me, but it is easy I will definitely think about what you have said there.

NightSpirit.. thank you for your reply too, that also makes a lot of sense.

ah yes, it all makes sense but thats not what i want to hear. The point is, is it something you would resort to?