How do you deal with people who slam on your beliefs

[Visitor]

People who respond with tension (anger, insults, put downs, etc) are scared people.
They fear loss, or further loss, of an investment (ideals, beliefs, hopes, expectations, etc).
The best way to deal with it is to simply see these people as scared/fearful and they themselves do not know how to deal with it.
Approach and respond to them as you would to a scared person - gently, softly, reassuring, listening, and never take any of their tension upon yourself.

In times of grief and loss, there are several stages one goes through before the last stage - acceptance. Anger and blaming is an earlier stage.
I suggest you have a read about this and then you can deal better with yourself and others through the grieving period (which is usually about 3 months).

Here is a Link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

Originally Posted by yumi14

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. Just remember that there is no limit in the duration of time when in the process of grieving. Its an individual process. Nobody has the right to tell you to get over it. For some people, grieving may be a short duration, for others it may last a long time. So, give yourself permission to get thru the process your way. Its your healing, nobody else's.

I wouldn't shut your mom off completely. But, I have a mom that also doesn't get me, nor has she ever truly tried to get me. I have come to her time and time again, thinking she would be a soft place to land, but I always felt worse than before I went to her in the first place. Instead of truly listening to the messages I was trying to get across, I was usually met with judgement. So, that would throw me deeper into a tizzy.

I have to remind myself that she is wired differently than me as well. She is conservative and life must be xyz in order to live happily. But, life is not that black and white.

People like us see and view the world on a whole different level that I suspect most people are afraid to even consider its realm of possibility.

There's nothing wrong with how you view the world, nor is it wrong the way your mom does either. Everyone has their own views.

The trick, at least in my case, is letting go. I finally stopped opening up my heart and wounds to my mom. I recently did reopen myself again to her in a desperate need to communicate things that have happened lately....I wasn't planning on it. In fact, I called to leave a birthday wish for her the day before her birthday, because I didn't want to risk getting a hold of her on her actual birthday and ruin the day for her. I was hoping to quickly leave a voice message and be done. Well, she picked up the phone in the middle of my message and I was so emotionally distraught, I melted. I reopened myself up and ended up in excruciating pain after our conversation was done. I kicked myself for being so weak as to entrust those raw feeling again. In hind sight, I should have just let her be and my birthday card in the mail be the only thing said. For both of us, I think that would have been best.

I'm not saying don't talk to your mom. Just be selective on what you share with her. You can't force someone to open their eyes to see things they don't want to see, or hear things they don't want to hear.

I know...I know all too well....its supposed to be a natural thing.....its supposed to be easy for child and parent to get each other. Sadly, I just don't think that is the case in some instances. It hurts. I know it hurts bad. You want that connection with your mom. I did too. I really did. But, we just see the world differently.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. Hang in there.

This is very wise advice.

You are a very good Daughter...Yumi14...to keep trying with her the way you do.

I reach out to my Daughter and receive only silence. Your Mother doesn't realize just how lucky she is to have you in her life.

Originally Posted by annabelle239

I just feel it'd be so much easier for us to not talk. It seems better that way for people like us..i wasn't trying to convert her beliefs just for her to be at least tolerant. Just earlier,i had texted her too telling her how i appreciate how much she loves her children,and is kind to animals and that she was the one who saved my cat by adopting her back years ago. I was trying to see the good in her and be peace. She said thank you. Then this..I actually am wondering if she is drunk sending that. It just sucks. I was in such a good mood and then this,and now it's blurred all my perceptions again on things. :( I obviously can not ever talk about this stuff again to people unless i know they are more open..i never knew people could be so harshly against things. My work friend is open. She brought up certain things even before me about how she believes in certain things. I wasnt sure I did,but was listening,and polite and intrigued and appreciated her open mind. My best friend believes in some things I do,but not all,but is always supportive no matter what. It's just bizarre to me. If someone had beliefs that were non harmful that made them feel good,i wouldn't be so mean,if i didn't agree. I'd at least be polite. I agree with you about letting go and i'm sorry you have issues with your mom,too. It can feel like a slap in the face. :( I remember at times my mom would literally randomly snap at me quite coldly and i'd feel like bursting into tears instantly. It's funny how the universe put us in the same family. I'm a very sensitive sort,always known to cry very easily ever since I was born,and my mother is a cold individual who can be harsh at times.

I am so glad you have a friend to help you through this time. It is very difficult to lose a Beloved FurBaby. My FurBabies are just like my own Children.

How comforting it must have been when your Kitty came to visit you.

May I ask about the experience? If so--how did your Kitty communicate with you?

Originally Posted by annabelle239

I just feel it'd be so much easier for us to not talk. It seems better that way for people like us..i wasn't trying to convert her beliefs just for her to be at least tolerant. Just earlier,i had texted her too telling her how i appreciate how much she loves her children,and is kind to animals and that she was the one who saved my cat by adopting her back years ago. I was trying to see the good in her and be peace. She said thank you. Then this..I actually am wondering if she is drunk sending that. It just sucks. I was in such a good mood and then this,and now it's blurred all my perceptions again on things. :( I obviously can not ever talk about this stuff again to people unless i know they are more open..i never knew people could be so harshly against things. My work friend is open. She brought up certain things even before me about how she believes in certain things. I wasnt sure I did,but was listening,and polite and intrigued and appreciated her open mind. My best friend believes in some things I do,but not all,but is always supportive no matter what. It's just bizarre to me. If someone had beliefs that were non harmful that made them feel good,i wouldn't be so mean,if i didn't agree. I'd at least be polite. I agree with you about letting go and i'm sorry you have issues with your mom,too. It can feel like a slap in the face. :( I remember at times my mom would literally randomly snap at me quite coldly and i'd feel like bursting into tears instantly. It's funny how the universe put us in the same family. I'm a very sensitive sort,always known to cry very easily ever since I was born,and my mother is a cold individual who can be harsh at times.

I am so glad you have a friend to help you through this time. It is very difficult to lose a Beloved FurBaby. My FurBabies are just like my own Children.

How comforting it must have been when your Kitty came to visit you.

May I ask about the experience? If so--how did your Kitty communicate with you?


IMHO--you are very wise to put some distance between yourself and your Mom--while you are trying to deal with your loss.

I hope (in time) she will find a better way of communicating with you and realize how much her indifference has hurt you.

[annabelle239]

I actually feel bad. She had to have been in a low place to act out like that. She's had a hard life and she also lost her mother,brother,and father in a matter of just a few years. Because of that,i thought she'd be more open. She doesn't seem to have the slightest interest in discovering more. It just feels like she is being user-ish to me lately as well and I feel bad but when I try to tell her in a way I feel will help her because it lowers my vibration,it doesn't work. Although,i have empathy for her,too much time around her really lowers my vibration. I'm also pretty sure she gossips about me in a negative way. I ended up attracting a really bad yesterday and today by that outburst of hers and how much it lowered my mood but i am letting that negativity go now and letting myself go back to trying to feel good.

[annabelle239]

Originally Posted by Black Sheep

Hugs if wanted. I'm sorry about your loss. It sounds like a very trying situation with your mom. I've found that some people, family or not, can be incredibly rigid, and threatened by other's expressions. Like you said, not even converting, just you being you, is threatening enough.

For my own mom, whom I had similar difficulties, I love her, but also love and respect myself enough to not let her treat me that way. Set some healthy bounderies, and if she ever grows to the point she can accept me peacefully, then more power to her. Till that point, I keep a healthy distance from her, she can live freely in her chaos/anger/closed nature, and I can grow, learn, and be free to express myself.

What you are going through is really hard, but there are those of us, who've experienced similar....we support you. :)
Much love.

Yeah,i think she thinks i'm crazy and being dramatic and not letting go. You don't have to forget imo,you can honor things in a positive way and remember. It's kinda bizarre to me how closed she is but perhaps i should try putting myself in her shoes to understand. I agree about loving oneself enough to keep a distance.

[annabelle239]

Originally Posted by LPC

Grieving the passing of a beloved pet can take weeks, months or years; it depends on the individual. It is a pity that your mother does not understand the significance of an after death communication from a pet. If you have the time to send me the details (in confidence, via private message or the contact page of my site), I would be interested to read them.

But, no matter if you feel hurt or angry at the moment, remember the golden rule of spirituality: forgive and love, no matter what you get in return. That way, you will keep your soul pure and this will help in your healing. Having said that, a little break from each other might let things cool down a bit.

Every best wish to you!

I am actually becoming firmly convinced she doesn't believe in after death communication which is so odd to me,it makes me wonder how do i. Is it that odd of a thing to believe in? Well,she is much more narrow-minded. I will message you and check out your site. I made sure to keep my cool with my response towards her last outburst. There wasn't much to be said without turning it into a dramatic argument and i just could not care to indulge that. Even in my thoughts after with my anger,i tried to remain neutral and not have mean thoughts but instead just letting go thoughts.

[annabelle239]

I should also say it did hit me yesterday it annoys me she herself wasn't just a little more sad and understanding. The cat was her cat,too as she was the one who adopted her when i was little girl and took care of her,too. I know she cares about her,too but still.

[annabelle239]

Originally Posted by LadyTerra

Sounds like your Mom is projecting...so it really is about her and has nothing to do with you. She knows all your buttons...perhaps it would be better for you to share your insights here at SF...I would love to hear them!

Ever your friend,

LadyTerra

P.S.

The great thing about SF is...you can put anyone who annoys you on your ignore list! LOL

Yeah,she was really projecting. This was an excellent example of that spiritual truth. The fact that she was projecting,really does just make me feel bad now. But,what can i do.

[annabelle239]

Originally Posted by Native spirit

Sounds like your mother is grieving to but cant express how she feels so she takes it out on you,people can be very closed minded.they are not interested in what you think.she sounds a very shallow person to me and believe me ive met a few.
as you dont live with her dont contact her she will need you before you need her,
grief is a very personal thing and can take a long time to come to terms with.
my mother was like that, only spoke to me in a okay way when she wanted something that my siblings couldnt provide,and that was care. just come to terms with your own grief.nevermind your mother.she will have to deal with it in another way.

Namaste

It's funny,too she was saying recently how much she likes talking to me because i don't yell at her like my brother and dad do. Distance is the answer.