How do you deal with people who slam on your beliefs

[annabelle239]

I'm very upset and in tears now. Twice now,i was in a place of expressing myself authentically and trying to be open and got shut down out of nowhere and a bunch of a variety of insults thrown at me. It hurts that someone could be that cold. The small minded people seem to have disdain for those with more wide views. First,i had tried explaining one thing to her(this is my mom all the her i am referring to),and she sent me a bunch of insults and i got so angry,i flipped out at her for her crazy things she said. And,then,today I was in a good place,and happy and shared the ADC i recieved today,thinking she maybe not believe it but at least would be tolerant. Instead I got the rudest text that made want to burst into tears. I don't know how people can be so mean and intolerant. First,she couldn't understand i'm still grieving and expected it to be over it within a week. I had to explain to her it's been less then 2 months. Less then 2 months! She knows this,too. I don't have depression. It's called grief!
With the text tonight,after I told her about the ADC,she just replied "Get a job."

Ok,keep in my mind. I am in my 20's. I do not live with her. I have my own place. I work several jobs(i'm not a 9-5er,i work freelance and have several things I do). I have friends. I have interests and passions,more then I can do all at once. Admittedly,money had been a bit slow as grief did set me back. I know that's not an excuse,I should be better then that,but I am just being honest.Also,it's not her business as I don't get any money in any way from her. Also,she is the one who always is asking me for things. Asking to borrow money,and food,etc,etc. And,she is going to have to have the nerve to say these insults to me?!
I just really needed to vent in a private place about this. It's just really upsetting. The first text that insulted me the other day was when I was trying to explain to her how my mind goes OCD sometimes and she tells me I have depression,need to go to a doctor and get medicine and get some hobbies and a job. This is so so so rude! I do not have depression! At all. I blog on spiritual matters about healing and how I haven't had depression in so long. I'm normally a happy and optimistic individual who encourages others to be happier and find the happiness. I also believe in self healing. I'm grieving right now and she accuses me of depression and basically saying i'm just bored and need a hobby and job. Yeah,that's what it is. With my various jobs,interests,and friends,and goals in life,i'm just bored and it's making me depressed. Yep,exactly. I don't see how anyone can be so obnoxious.I'm grieving and doing damn well in my opinion and my best friend agrees to.
I know people have different beliefs but I did not think someone would be so obnoxious about it and mean. I deleted her number from my phone. I won't be talking to her ever again. I mean,seriously,i am happy and tell her i got an ADC from my cat and she replies get a job.
It proves more and more to me how much when people act out,it is them. It really is. She is the one who is always bored and telling me how bored she is. She is broke and looking for a job. She has been saying she has no friends. And,then she says all these grossly wrong presumptuous things to me. It hurts when someone you opened up to a little bit over the past weeks does all this.

You don't seem to be asking for opinions, I hope by venting here it made you feel better. Don't take what your mom says so personally, likely you're right about her, it would be best to avoid her for awhile, do you have anyone else you could talk to that would be understanding?

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. Just remember that there is no limit in the duration of time when in the process of grieving. Its an individual process. Nobody has the right to tell you to get over it. For some people, grieving may be a short duration, for others it may last a long time. So, give yourself permission to get thru the process your way. Its your healing, nobody else's.

I wouldn't shut your mom off completely. But, I have a mom that also doesn't get me, nor has she ever truly tried to get me. I have come to her time and time again, thinking she would be a soft place to land, but I always felt worse than before I went to her in the first place. Instead of truly listening to the messages I was trying to get across, I was usually met with judgement. So, that would throw me deeper into a tizzy.

I have to remind myself that she is wired differently than me as well. She is conservative and life must be xyz in order to live happily. But, life is not that black and white.

People like us see and view the world on a whole different level that I suspect most people are afraid to even consider its realm of possibility.

There's nothing wrong with how you view the world, nor is it wrong the way your mom does either. Everyone has their own views.

The trick, at least in my case, is letting go. I finally stopped opening up my heart and wounds to my mom. I recently did reopen myself again to her in a desperate need to communicate things that have happened lately....I wasn't planning on it. In fact, I called to leave a birthday wish for her the day before her birthday, because I didn't want to risk getting a hold of her on her actual birthday and ruin the day for her. I was hoping to quickly leave a voice message and be done. Well, she picked up the phone in the middle of my message and I was so emotionally distraught, I melted. I reopened myself up and ended up in excruciating pain after our conversation was done. I kicked myself for being so weak as to entrust those raw feeling again. In hind sight, I should have just let her be and my birthday card in the mail be the only thing said. For both of us, I think that would have been best.

I'm not saying don't talk to your mom. Just be selective on what you share with her. You can't force someone to open their eyes to see things they don't want to see, or hear things they don't want to hear.

I know...I know all too well....its supposed to be a natural thing.....its supposed to be easy for child and parent to get each other. Sadly, I just don't think that is the case in some instances. It hurts. I know it hurts bad. You want that connection with your mom. I did too. I really did. But, we just see the world differently.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. Hang in there.

[annabelle239]

my best friend but he is out. i will talk to him later. my friend i work with,too but it's late here and this just happened late at night. I just wonder how people deal with people who slam your beliefs down. I guess only thing to do is avoid them. She is clearly very lost to be accusing me of all the things that are her...I almost feel bad. She really killed my vibe. I'm a good person. I'm nice,i'm successful and doing good things in my life,and im usually the person people turn to for advice. it made no sense for me to attacked like that. I wasn't harming her in anyway. Idk how hard it is to be supportive of people. I mean,how would someone like if someone important to them recently deceased and that person grieving said something positive that made them feel good and the other person responded get a life. Because that's basically what she did....all i can think is people must pick on the good..

[annabelle239]

Originally Posted by yumi14

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. Just remember that there is no limit in the duration of time when in the process of grieving. Its an individual process. Nobody has the right to tell you to get over it. For some people, grieving may be a short duration, for others it may last a long time. So, give yourself permission to get thru the process your way. Its your healing, nobody else's.

I wouldn't shut your mom off completely. But, I have a mom that also doesn't get me, nor has she ever truly tried to get me. I have come to her time and time again, thinking she would be a soft place to land, but I always felt worse than before I went to her in the first place. Instead of truly listening to the messages I was trying to get across, I was usually met with judgement. So, that would throw me deeper into a tizzy.

I have to remind myself that she is wired differently than me as well. She is conservative and life must be xyz in order to live happily. But, life is not that black and white.

People like us see and view the world on a whole different level that I suspect most people are afraid to even consider its realm of possibility.

There's nothing wrong with how you view the world, nor is it wrong the way your mom does either. Everyone has their own views.

The trick, at least in my case, is letting go. I finally stopped opening up my heart and wounds to my mom. I recently did reopen myself again to her in a desperate need to communicate things that have happened lately....I wasn't planning on it. In fact, I called to leave a birthday wish for her the day before her birthday, because I didn't want to risk getting a hold of her on her actual birthday and ruin the day for her. I was hoping to quickly leave a voice message and be done. Well, she picked up the phone in the middle of my message and I was so emotionally distraught, I melted. I reopened myself up and ended up in excruciating pain after our conversation was done. I kicked myself for being so weak as to entrust those raw feeling again. In hind sight, I should have just let her be and my birthday card in the mail be the only thing said. For both of us, I think that would have been best.

I'm not saying don't talk to your mom. Just be selective on what you share with her. You can't force someone to open their eyes to see things they don't want to see, or hear things they don't want to hear.

I know...I know all too well....its supposed to be a natural thing.....its supposed to be easy for child and parent to get each other. Sadly, I just don't think that is the case in some instances. It hurts. I know it hurts bad. You want that connection with your mom. I did too. I really did. But, we just see the world differently.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. Hang in there.

I just feel it'd be so much easier for us to not talk. It seems better that way for people like us..i wasn't trying to convert her beliefs just for her to be at least tolerant. Just earlier,i had texted her too telling her how i appreciate how much she loves her children,and is kind to animals and that she was the one who saved my cat by adopting her back years ago. I was trying to see the good in her and be peace. She said thank you. Then this..I actually am wondering if she is drunk sending that. It just sucks. I was in such a good mood and then this,and now it's blurred all my perceptions again on things. :( I obviously can not ever talk about this stuff again to people unless i know they are more open..i never knew people could be so harshly against things. My work friend is open. She brought up certain things even before me about how she believes in certain things. I wasnt sure I did,but was listening,and polite and intrigued and appreciated her open mind. My best friend believes in some things I do,but not all,but is always supportive no matter what. It's just bizarre to me. If someone had beliefs that were non harmful that made them feel good,i wouldn't be so mean,if i didn't agree. I'd at least be polite. I agree with you about letting go and i'm sorry you have issues with your mom,too. It can feel like a slap in the face. :( I remember at times my mom would literally randomly snap at me quite coldly and i'd feel like bursting into tears instantly. It's funny how the universe put us in the same family. I'm a very sensitive sort,always known to cry very easily ever since I was born,and my mother is a cold individual who can be harsh at times.

[Black Sheep]

Hugs if wanted. I'm sorry about your loss. It sounds like a very trying situation with your mom. I've found that some people, family or not, can be incredibly rigid, and threatened by other's expressions. Like you said, not even converting, just you being you, is threatening enough.

For my own mom, whom I had similar difficulties, I love her, but also love and respect myself enough to not let her treat me that way. Set some healthy bounderies, and if she ever grows to the point she can accept me peacefully, then more power to her. Till that point, I keep a healthy distance from her, she can live freely in her chaos/anger/closed nature, and I can grow, learn, and be free to express myself.

What you are going through is really hard, but there are those of us, who've experienced similar....we support you. :)
Much love.

[LPC]

Grieving the passing of a beloved pet can take weeks, months or years; it depends on the individual. It is a pity that your mother does not understand the significance of an after death communication from a pet. If you have the time to send me the details (in confidence, via private message or the contact page of my site), I would be interested to read them.

But, no matter if you feel hurt or angry at the moment, remember the golden rule of spirituality: forgive and love, no matter what you get in return. That way, you will keep your soul pure and this will help in your healing. Having said that, a little break from each other might let things cool down a bit.

Every best wish to you!

Originally Posted by annabelle239

I'm very upset and in tears now. Twice now,i was in a place of expressing myself authentically and trying to be open and got shut down out of nowhere and a bunch of a variety of insults thrown at me. It hurts that someone could be that cold. The small minded people seem to have disdain for those with more wide views. First,i had tried explaining one thing to her(this is my mom all the her i am referring to),and she sent me a bunch of insults and i got so angry,i flipped out at her for her crazy things she said. And,then,today I was in a good place,and happy and shared the ADC i recieved today,thinking she maybe not believe it but at least would be tolerant. Instead I got the rudest text that made want to burst into tears. I don't know how people can be so mean and intolerant. First,she couldn't understand i'm still grieving and expected it to be over it within a week. I had to explain to her it's been less then 2 months. Less then 2 months! She knows this,too. I don't have depression. It's called grief!
With the text tonight,after I told her about the ADC,she just replied "Get a job."

Ok,keep in my mind. I am in my 20's. I do not live with her. I have my own place. I work several jobs(i'm not a 9-5er,i work freelance and have several things I do). I have friends. I have interests and passions,more then I can do all at once. Admittedly,money had been a bit slow as grief did set me back. I know that's not an excuse,I should be better then that,but I am just being honest.Also,it's not her business as I don't get any money in any way from her. Also,she is the one who always is asking me for things. Asking to borrow money,and food,etc,etc. And,she is going to have to have the nerve to say these insults to me?!
I just really needed to vent in a private place about this. It's just really upsetting. The first text that insulted me the other day was when I was trying to explain to her how my mind goes OCD sometimes and she tells me I have depression,need to go to a doctor and get medicine and get some hobbies and a job. This is so so so rude! I do not have depression! At all. I blog on spiritual matters about healing and how I haven't had depression in so long. I'm normally a happy and optimistic individual who encourages others to be happier and find the happiness. I also believe in self healing. I'm grieving right now and she accuses me of depression and basically saying i'm just bored and need a hobby and job. Yeah,that's what it is. With my various jobs,interests,and friends,and goals in life,i'm just bored and it's making me depressed. Yep,exactly. I don't see how anyone can be so obnoxious.I'm grieving and doing damn well in my opinion and my best friend agrees to.
I know people have different beliefs but I did not think someone would be so obnoxious about it and mean. I deleted her number from my phone. I won't be talking to her ever again. I mean,seriously,i am happy and tell her i got an ADC from my cat and she replies get a job.
It proves more and more to me how much when people act out,it is them. It really is. She is the one who is always bored and telling me how bored she is. She is broke and looking for a job. She has been saying she has no friends. And,then she says all these grossly wrong presumptuous things to me. It hurts when someone you opened up to a little bit over the past weeks does all this.

Sounds like your Mom is projecting...so it really is about her and has nothing to do with you. She knows all your buttons...perhaps it would be better for you to share your insights here at SF...I would love to hear them!

Ever your friend,

LadyTerra

P.S.

The great thing about SF is...you can put anyone who annoys you on your ignore list! LOL

[Native spirit]

Sounds like your mother is grieving to but cant express how she feels so she takes it out on you,people can be very closed minded.they are not interested in what you think.she sounds a very shallow person to me and believe me ive met a few.
as you dont live with her dont contact her she will need you before you need her,
grief is a very personal thing and can take a long time to come to terms with.
my mother was like that, only spoke to me in a okay way when she wanted something that my siblings couldnt provide,and that was care. just come to terms with your own grief.nevermind your mother.she will have to deal with it in another way.

Namaste

I have to agree with what Black Sheep pointed out.

Sometimes people simply feel threatened by things they don't understand. It shuts them down and they react with force or pure rejection. Perhaps they are so afraid of the subject at hand that they feel they may 'catch' it. The thing is, what they don't realize is they won't Catch anything at all and if they opened themselves to a greater understanding of things, they may just grow themselves as well. It doesnt mean they have to agree with other viewpoints; but to open oneself up enough to know that there are indeed different angles at looking at things. Some people are so rigid with their beliefs or viewpoints that they shelter themselves from the unknown and put a brick wall up which becomes impenetrable. . Its threatening to them. So what does one do if they perceive a threat to their own thoughts of what reality is? They, then go in defense mode. They don't know what to do with that information.

I don't think it has anything at all to do with you. It has everything to do with your Mom trying to maintain HER reality of how she sees things.

Its sad, tho. Because its not going to hurt her to sit down and truly listen to you and your experiences and to embrace them for what they are. It hurts. I know it hurts. Maybe someday down the road she will be capable of lowering down that wall she has up and open herself up to listening to you. Until then, I would distance yourself a little. Don't stop talking to her, but guard your heart with the things you bring up.

Hang in there. And please, do share here on the forums. I think this is a pretty safe place to open yourself up to. There are people here who will embrace your experiences :). Hugs