How do you really forgive someone?

Originally Posted by baronesslucy

While it is good to forgive, sometimes it's destructive to stay with or around the person who caused you the pain. I've known women who forgive an abuser and a cheater only to have that same individual repeat the behavior over and over again. The abuser or cheater often see the forgiveness as a way or use it as an excuse to continue their abuse or cheating. Never gets better, only gets worse and it's like a bad cycle that repeats itself over and over again.

I completely agree with this. This is what I'm having trouble with, sort of. My offender is visiting the family in a couple months and I have chosen to conveniently be going out of town that week. The problem is, his wife is my sister and I don't want to ruffle any feathers. But I'm done with putting myself in uncomfortable situations in order to try to keep the peace.

Thank you, Spirit Carrier for such an elaborate and beautiful response.

[Gem]

Originally Posted by smattering

I completely agree with this. This is what I'm having trouble with, sort of. My offender is visiting the family in a couple months and I have chosen to conveniently be going out of town that week. The problem is, his wife is my sister and I don't want to ruffle any feathers. But I'm done with putting myself in uncomfortable situations in order to try to keep the peace.

Thank you, Spirit Carrier for such an elaborate and beautiful response.

No ones gunna say it, but when ya have to back up, that's ok for a while, but you end up in a corner, so in some situations it's good to stand in your place in discomfort, and keep your ground... ... like, in simpler terms, you can run but you can't hide.

[SpiritCarrier]

Originally Posted by smattering

I completely agree with this. This is what I'm having trouble with, sort of. My offender is visiting the family in a couple months and I have chosen to conveniently be going out of town that week. The problem is, his wife is my sister and I don't want to ruffle any feathers. But I'm done with putting myself in uncomfortable situations in order to try to keep the peace.

Thank you, Spirit Carrier for such an elaborate and beautiful response.

I think that by not putting yourself in contact with someone who has hurt you that you are sending a clear message that you are not going to allow them to hurt you again. You are also sending the message that you have not forgotten, that you are not going to pretend it didn't happen, and that you are, for the sake of family in this case, removing yourself from the situation so as to keep peace. I think this is a mature and sensible way to handle things.

Not putting yourself in situations where you are confronted with the person is the first way to start healing within. You are taking control away from them and giving it to yourself.

This is just my opinion and I think you deserve a big pat on the back for taking this stand.

Peace and Light,
SC

[Robinski78]

As I see it, when an act of forgiveness is considered or pronounced, such is a means of rescinding or abolishing a previous judgmental act or comment, made against that said individual, by another person or persons: known or unknown…

To acquire a temperament, whereby individuals never lend themselves to being judgmental, is a disposition of the highest order… Few if any manage to acquire that quality in a single lifetime….

Naturally, these are just personal points of view and aren't necessarily: definitive requisites...

Originally Posted by Gem

No ones gunna say it, but when ya have to back up, that's ok for a while, but you end up in a corner, so in some situations it's good to stand in your place in discomfort, and keep your ground... ... like, in simpler terms, you can run but you can't hide.

I can see the "you can run but you can't hide" side of it, and that's why I'm so unsure if what to do. My sister has chosen to defend her husband in this situation and even though I understand her side of things to a certain point, there are consequences for her choices as well. I'm not trying to outwardly harm anyone, I just want to start standing up for myself and quit getting pushed around.

I also feel guilty for holding onto resentment.

Sorry if I'm being vague, just trying to explain without having to go into a lot of detail. If anyone would like to PM me I can explain better, and it would be greatly appreciated!

[SpiritCarrier]

I said it once and I will say it again; I don't see it as running away, I see it as making a statement. You don't have to stand by and get pushed around.

I was wondering if your sister knew what he did, since she does and she defends him then she has made her choice and your right there are consequences for that choice. I am sorry that things are now strained between you and your sister but you do not have to subject yourself to the presence of someone you do not trust and who has harmed you.

I think you are doing the right thing.

Don't doubt yourself so much. Listen to your instincts, they are usually trying to protect you.

Peace and Light,
SC

Originally Posted by SpiritCarrier

I said it once and I will say it again; I don't see it as running away, I see it as making a statement. You don't have to stand by and get pushed around.

I was wondering if your sister knew what he did, since she does and she defends him then she has made her choice and your right there are consequences for that choice. I am sorry that things are now strained between you and your sister but you do not have to subject yourself to the presence of someone you do not trust and who has harmed you.

I think you are doing the right thing.

Don't doubt yourself so much. Listen to your instincts, they are usually trying to protect you.

Peace and Light,
SC

That brought tears to my eyes, thank you for the support. That's just what I needed to hear.

[Gem]

Originally Posted by smattering

I can see the "you can run but you can't hide" side of it, and that's why I'm so unsure if what to do. My sister has chosen to defend her husband in this situation and even though I understand her side of things to a certain point, there are consequences for her choices as well. I'm not trying to outwardly harm anyone, I just want to start standing up for myself and quit getting pushed around.

I also feel guilty for holding onto resentment.

Sorry if I'm being vague, just trying to explain without having to go into a lot of detail. If anyone would like to PM me I can explain better, and it would be greatly appreciated!

That's ok, you don't have to explain anything.

Of course you don't want to harm anyone, and there's nothing that you do to harm anyone by 'keeping out of the way' (so to speak), and maybe it's better for you to that in this particular instance, but it isn't sustainable and over the long term, and it's isolating for you. It depends if the situation will just blow over soon enough, or if it needs to be confronted. You say you say you want to stand up for yourself, so be true to yourself as best you can, and do exactly as you think is best.

Originally Posted by Gem

That's ok, you don't have to explain anything.

Of course you don't want to harm anyone, and there's nothing that you do to harm anyone by 'keeping out of the way' (so to speak), and maybe it's better for you to that in this particular instance, but it isn't sustainable and over the long term, and it's isolating for you. It depends if the situation will just blow over soon enough, or if it needs to be confronted. You say you say you want to stand up for yourself, so be true to yourself as best you can, and do exactly as you think is best.

I see where you're coming from. However I haven't seen him since a year ago, and before that it had been 8 or 9 years. They live 1,000 miles away. And I think that if I'm gone when they come to visit, that will speak for itself. No one has confronted the issue and I'm not going to, because I don't want to make their already strained relationship with the rest of the family any worse.

I think that they believe that since no one is saying or doing anything, that he is forgiven and welcomed back into the family. I want to send the message that what happened wasn't okay. I want them to feel uncomfortable because there were never any consequences. I want to take my power back.

[SpiritCarrier]

Originally Posted by smattering

I see where you're coming from. However I haven't seen him since a year ago, and before that it had been 8 or 9 years. They live 1,000 miles away. And I think that if I'm gone when they come to visit, that will speak for itself. No one has confronted the issue and I'm not going to, because I don't want to make their already strained relationship with the rest of the family any worse.

I think that they believe that since no one is saying or doing anything, that he is forgiven and welcomed back into the family. I want to send the message that what happened wasn't okay. I want them to feel uncomfortable because there were never any consequences. I want to take my power back.

Amen sister...

Actions speak much louder than words. I am so proud of you. Congratulations for being at a place in your life where you are able to be this strong.

Peace and Light,
SC