How do you really forgive someone?

[sea-dove]

Originally Posted by smattering

Have you ever forgiven someone, without them apologizing, for something devastating? Something that people go to jail for, if they get caught? What does forgiveness mean? Is it something more than just not thinking about what they did to you?
I know it wasn't about me, and I don't feel affected by my past anymore. But how do you send the message that what happened wasn't okay, without holding onto anger?

Ive forgiven some very bad stuff, nearly all of it very easily except one thing.

Ive forgiven, both my exs not paying child support, one brought himself a house and now owns it while his daughter and I went throu periods were we were almost just living off potatos (when they used to be very cheap).

Ive forgiven my father loosing his temper and strangling me (he would of killed me if my mother hadnt pulled him off, I was loosing consciousness)

Ive forgiven the person who stole my car for joyriding in and dumped it in a forest where they set fire to it.

Ive forgiven the one who bashed me at high school and made my life there hell.

Ive forgiven those who tried to rape me .. I forgave my past boyfriend who set me up for his friend to rape. I forgave him and kept dating him (ummmm)

None of those ever appologised to me.

There are just two things in my life which were very hard to forgive.

My current boyfriend, he slept with my doctor. They were friends and she got me to move in with her under the pretense of helping me with my severe health issues.. to get to him. I was sooo angry that he didnt tell me they'd slept together without a condom till 6 weeks later. Huge betrayal of both of them towards me. I trusted the doctor and I trusted him.

I became mentally unstable over that situation, couldnt deal with it and became suicidal at that time, really cracked up.. I was so upset that I drove my car into hers). I dont know but it could still annoy me a little that she's got off scott free with doing that to me and other patients too (I know she sleeps with the husbands of 2 of her other patients as well). I dont know how I feel now over that situation.. nothing?? thou I still hope she gets what she deserves due to causing me so much harm. She should of lost her medical licence but my current boyfriend as she was a friend of his, wouldnt back up what happened if I put in a medical complaint over what she's done and is doing.
......

The other situation was my sister. She did something to me which caused me to respond so severely that I psychically attacked her (she was almost hurt.. kind of scary knowing what I can do if I get really angry). I also didnt speak to my sister for whole year for what she did, a whole year before I could start to forgive her. I have forgiven her completely now even thou she never appoligised and crazily tells herself she did nothing at all wrong by doing this betrayal.

I'd felt sorry for my sister as she didnt have a good place to live and had no work. So i got her a job with a guy I had been seeing for a while and sleeping with, he was single parent and I got her a job as his live in nanny. My sister knew how I felt about this guy.

She ended up sleeping with him behind my back, not once but many times. What made this situation 10 times worst is that I sensed it and asked her directly if that was going on..and she said no. I trusted my sister enough that even thou my 6th sense was screaming to the point that I was feeling sick that something was going on, when she told me she wasnt sleeping with him, I then told myself I was being an idiot to think she'd do that (so I then gave myself a very hard time for for a couple of weeks, for thinking about her badly and also lost trust due to that in my own intuition).

A couple of weeks later i could no longer stand the feeling I was getting and asked him and he immediately told me the truth (for that I instantly was able to forgive him, I could respect him for being honest). Her lying in that situation, fooling me... making me feel very bad, very guilty about thinking of her like that, was even worst then what they were doing behind my back.

I dont think I could of been given a harsher lesson in forgiveness. (this was the sister I'd practically brought up and been there for as our mother wasnt, Id basically raised her from when I was only 9-10 years old, I gave up a lot of my own childhood for her!). She may as well have been my own daughter, sleeping with my boyfriend and a guy I was hoping maybe to one day marry.

She did get her karma back thou... he ended up leaving her for another... a much younger person then even my sister a couple of years later.. and left her heartbroken. (lots of past life stuff going on in that relationship, this guy in another lifetime was our pimp which I guess explains why he wanted us both this lifetime).

One forgives another for ones own self, one cant keep growing if one is holding onto hate and unforgiveness. What helps to forgive one who has dreadfully hurt oneself, is to think of them as being like a child, a spiritual child who may not even realise what they've done wrong. Feel compassion for these ones who dont even have the understanding of the harm they do. Could you forever be angry at a child? Those who arent spiritually aware are children. Compassion will get rid of anger so one can forgive.

Originally Posted by elisi

when you 'don't' forgive a person, they still have power over you.

a couple of close friends and i just did a little ritual.

i had a few things that i held in resentment and knew it was time to let them go. we each had been writing down things on pieces of paper. we brought them to the ritual.

we sat an an outside table, i put tobacco and sage in a smudge bowl and let it. we then each read our paper, touched it to the fire and let the smoke take it to the universe.

an example that i had was, 'i hereby release all the anger and resentment toward X. that is his stuff, not mine. i give it up to the universe for the highest loving good.'

you'd be surprised how freeing that is. part of it is doing something actually physical rather than saying it in your head. it is strong intent.

I absolutely love this idea! I'm definitely a visual person, and this sounds like a perfect way to let go of anger. Thank you :)

Seadove- I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through. I like your last paragraph, about transforming anger into compassion. I've tried that and will continue trying. Thank you.

[John32241]

Originally Posted by sea-dove

Ive forgiven some very bad stuff, nearly all of it very easily except one thing.

Ive forgiven, both my exs not paying child support, one brought himself a house and now owns it while his daughter and I went throu periods were we were almost just living off potatos (when they used to be very cheap).

Ive forgiven my father loosing his temper and strangling me (he would of killed me if my mother hadnt pulled him off, I was loosing consciousness)

Ive forgiven the person who stole my car for joyriding in and dumped it in a forest where they set fire to it.

Ive forgiven the one who bashed me at high school and made my life there hell.

Ive forgiven those who tried to rape me .. I forgave my past boyfriend who set me up for his friend to rape. I forgave him and kept dating him (ummmm)

None of those ever appologised to me.

There are just two things in my life which were very hard to forgive.

My current boyfriend, he slept with my doctor. They were friends and she got me to move in with her under the pretense of helping me with my severe health issues.. to get to him. I was sooo angry that he didnt tell me they'd slept together without a condom till 6 weeks later. Huge betrayal of both of them towards me. I trusted the doctor and I trusted him.

I became mentally unstable over that situation, couldnt deal with it and became suicidal at that time, really cracked up.. I was so upset that I drove my car into hers). I dont know but it could still annoy me a little that she's got off scott free with doing that to me and other patients too (I know she sleeps with the husbands of 2 of her other patients as well). I dont know how I feel now over that situation.. nothing?? thou I still hope she gets what she deserves due to causing me so much harm. She should of lost her medical licence but my current boyfriend as she was a friend of his, wouldnt back up what happened if I put in a medical complaint over what she's done and is doing.
......

The other situation was my sister. She did something to me which caused me to respond so severely that I psychically attacked her (she was almost hurt.. kind of scary knowing what I can do if I get really angry). I also didnt speak to my sister for whole year for what she did, a whole year before I could start to forgive her. I have forgiven her completely now even thou she never appoligised and crazily tells herself she did nothing at all wrong by doing this betrayal.

I'd felt sorry for my sister as she didnt have a good place to live and had no work. So i got her a job with a guy I had been seeing for a while and sleeping with, he was single parent and I got her a job as his live in nanny. My sister knew how I felt about this guy.

She ended up sleeping with him behind my back, not once but many times. What made this situation 10 times worst is that I sensed it and asked her directly if that was going on..and she said no. I trusted my sister enough that even thou my 6th sense was screaming to the point that I was feeling sick that something was going on, when she told me she wasnt sleeping with him, I then told myself I was being an idiot to think she'd do that (so I then gave myself a very hard time for for a couple of weeks, for thinking about her badly and also lost trust due to that in my own intuition).

A couple of weeks later i could no longer stand the feeling I was getting and asked him and he immediately told me the truth (for that I instantly was able to forgive him, I could respect him for being honest). Her lying in that situation, fooling me... making me feel very bad, very guilty about thinking of her like that, was even worst then what they were doing behind my back.

I dont think I could of been given a harsher lesson in forgiveness. (this was the sister I'd practically brought up and been there for as our mother wasnt, Id basically raised her from when I was only 9-10 years old, I gave up a lot of my own childhood for her!). She may as well have been my own daughter, sleeping with my boyfriend and a guy I was hoping maybe to one day marry.

She did get her karma back thou... he ended up leaving her for another... a much younger person then even my sister a couple of years later.. and left her heartbroken. (lots of past life stuff going on in that relationship, this guy in another lifetime was our pimp which I guess explains why he wanted us both this lifetime).

One forgives another for ones own self, one cant keep growing if one is holding onto hate and unforgiveness. What helps to forgive one who has dreadfully hurt oneself, is to think of them as being like a child, a spiritual child who may not even realise what they've done wrong. Feel compassion for these ones who dont even have the understanding of the harm they do. Could you forever be angry at a child? Those who arent spiritually aware are children. Compassion will get rid of anger so one can forgive.

Yes it will. Thanks for sharing.

John

[SpiritCarrier]

Have you ever forgiven someone, without them apologizing, for something devastating? Something that people go to jail for, if they get caught? What does forgiveness mean? Is it something more than just not thinking about what they did to you?
I know it wasn't about me, and I don't feel affected by my past anymore. But how do you send the message that what happened wasn't okay, without holding onto anger?

There are several questions there so I will take them one at a time.

1. Have you ever forgiven someone, without them apologizing, for something devastating? Something that people go to jail for, if they get caught?

Yes I have.

2. What does forgiveness mean?

Forgiveness is letting go of the need for revenge and releasing all negative thoughts and resentment. Forgiveness is a gift that we give to ourselves, not to those who we are forgiving.

In order to forgive we must first understand and do certain things: We have to acknowledge the pain, and express our emotions without losing control. We have to protect ourself from becoming a future victim, and decide whether we want to keep a relationship with the person who wronged us.

3. Is it something more than just not thinking about what they did to you?

Yes there is. Knowing what forgiveness is and what it is not, helps you to forgive but not forget.

There are the things you have to know in order to move to forward without the pain:

Knowing that forgiveness is not forgetting or pretending it didn’t happen. We need to remember without holding onto the pain. Forgiveness is not excusing, it is not giving permission to the person to continue hurting you. Forgiveness is not making up with the person. We have to make up our mind about whether to keep a relationship with the person or maintain a safe distance.

Forgiving is difficult, but sometimes it’s even more difficult to hold on to grudges. It hurts you inside, and in all honesty the person who hurt you doesn't give a rats *** whether you forgive them or not. So why let them have that kind of power over you? You are not forgetting or letting them continue to hurt you by forgiving, you are releasing the hold they had on you to hurt you in the first place.

There are several symbolic letting-go rituals that can help with the process.
Some of which have been mentioned in this thread. The act of forgiveness is one for self and no one else. It is for you, and you alone. To harbor resentment and hate is to allow negative energies to enter your soul and take up root. Once negativity finds a home it is hard to throw it out and overcome it. It is strong and can overtake a person before you even realize it.

4. How do you send the message that what happened wasn't okay, without holding onto anger?

You can send them a letter explaining how you fell about what they did to you and what you intend to do about it. That can involve cutting them out of your life or, if you choose to keep a relationship, maybe taking a break and having some healing time. Whatever you decide is acceptable to you, without thought to how they will feel about it. Doing some sort of ritual, thus releasing the negativity, the anger, into the universe.

This was a thought provoking question and I appreciate the opportunity to express my views. Thank you.

Peace and Light,
SC

Originally Posted by smattering

I absolutely love this idea! I'm definitely a visual person, and this sounds like a perfect way to let go of anger. Thank you :)

Seadove- I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through. I like your last paragraph, about transforming anger into compassion. I've tried that and will continue trying. Thank you.

there's something about doing something physical rather than just saying or thinking it.

ritual has its place.

Forgiveness is the healthy thing to do. But I admit it's not easy at times. Sometimes I think i've forgiven a person and moved on, but then it'll come back to me out of the blue. And I'll be angry all over again. I don't know why that happens, but it does happen. It's something I have to work on. I have a VERY long memory ... it's not a good thing when it comes to forgiveness.

[baronesslucy]

While it is good to forgive, sometimes it's destructive to stay with or around the person who caused you the pain. I've known women who forgive an abuser and a cheater only to have that same individual repeat the behavior over and over again. The abuser or cheater often see the forgiveness as a way or use it as an excuse to continue their abuse or cheating. Never gets better, only gets worse and it's like a bad cycle that repeats itself over and over again.

[baronesslucy]

When I was in my late teens, early 20's I was friends with someone who really wasn't a friend. I didn't see it because at the time I was desperate for friends and felt lonely. I was part of a group who really just tolerated me. Some of the comments this person said upset me and she disliked my brother even though she really didn't know him.

When we graduated, we all went our separate paths. Whenever I thought of contacting this person, I remembered things that she had done to me and that was enough not to contact this person. She never contacted me which was just as well.

[Emmalevine]

Great thread. I still struggle with forgiveness, particularly of my ex husband but I still also carry some resentment towards my parents due to my childhood.

[sea-dove]

Originally Posted by SpiritCarrier

3. Is it something more than just not thinking about what they did to you?

Yes there is. Knowing what forgiveness is and what it is not, helps you to forgive but not forget.

There are the things you have to know in order to move to forward without the pain:

Knowing that forgiveness is not forgetting or pretending it didn’t happen. We need to remember without holding onto the pain. Forgiveness is not excusing, it is not giving permission to the person to continue hurting you. Forgiveness is not making up with the person. We have to make up our mind about whether to keep a relationship with the person or maintain a safe distance.

I thought that was well said.

Originally Posted by baronesslucy

While it is good to forgive, sometimes it's destructive to stay with or around the person who caused you the pain. I've known women who forgive an abuser and a cheater only to have that same individual repeat the behavior over and over again. The abuser or cheater often see the forgiveness as a way or use it as an excuse to continue their abuse or cheating. Never gets better, only gets worse and it's like a bad cycle that repeats itself over and over again.

One can forgive but still set healthy limits eg I nowdays have a three strike and you are out rule (which I never tell the other but its there). Limits arent about unforgiveness or punishing another but are very important if one is to respect oneself. This is all part of self love.