Embarrassing Question

This is embarrassing for me but it's been on my mind and I am hoping someone out there can help me. I recently ended a strong soul mate relationship. I understand the importance of the healing he brought to me- we were very connected. VERY. It was the strongest, closest most intimate year of my life. I did not realize at the time how tightly we were connecting on a spiritual level when we made love but it was close and connected and gentle and loving and finally near the end, at a time when I knew it had to end, I figured out that our souls were connecting strongly each time we were "together." I sound so silly, like a lovesick puppy I know, but it was transcending- way beyond a normal love affair. And now he is gone. I have heartache of course but I also have all this... excess energy. It's making me crazy.

My dark side has emerged a few times wanting to go out and get drunk and stupid but I was told through a song I woke up with in my head a year ago as I was meeting this man that I would not be able to find peace in the arms of a stranger after knowing my soul mate. It was a gentle warning of sorts. The song is called "My Last Goodbye" and it's all about being with a person only to unsuccessfully attempt to forget another. It is sorrowful {and country, go figure lol!} I was recently told that soul mate love is strong for a reason. He taught me discernment and showed me the type of strong spiritual connection I must have with a person to be intimate with him. I understand all that. A little background is until age 38 I was nearly "perfect" in my past- I'd only physically been with my first BF and I was married twice. So three men. When my second marriage failed my "Dark Night of The Soul" began, well it began while I was married, and I spiraled a bit and did some things that were very unlike me. I had sex without love for the first time and that basically goes against everything I am inside- painful for me because I am an extremely loving soft soul but I wanted pain at that time. My spiritual awakening had been a long slow painful process yet one I would not change for anything. Pain purifies and sometimes suffering is the only teacher we will listen to, or can listen to. At that time, before I could crash any further I met my soul mate and together we started healing each other. Yet we were not in a place in our lives where we could stay together. In a year's time my healing, my angel contact, my self-awareness, overcoming my fears plus a bunch more growth-type stuff has increased for me and my soul mate has learned his lessons as well- and we are meant to part now.

I hope this makes sense!

I got morose and weak last Wednesday, had a night to myself and was so ready to be self-destructive until my angel warned me "Do not defy the healing God has blessed you with through this man. Defend the love and rupture your fears. Do not cave to your vices." I know I am to respect the love I had with him as well as respect myself and surrender the rest but it is difficult because I still feel a strong connection to him although we have no contact. Anyone else would tell me it is just a broken heart but I feel it is more. Addiction runs strong in my family and right now in my loneliness I am battling a lot of demons. One also being drinking alone... it's easy to want to find escapes and I am stronger than my vices but right at this very moment it is HARD. Painfully hard. My mother turned to the bottle at age 40. I will be 40 next month. I asked God two years ago to please change my life before I was 40, and He listened. I've experienced healing from 30+ years of early trauma and heartache, one abusive marriage, one marriage to a man who ignored me, and lots of self-hatred and self-judgment. I refuse, utterly refuse, to falter now. But my friends- it's still a struggle and I am praying for when this begins to ease. My angel told me this would be my last big challenge, this soul mate experience.

I am a very passionate person, lol, if you get what I mean. Both of my marriages were low-intimacy which was torture for me. Now after having the best loving year of my life I have all the swirling sexual energy inside me that was recently "purged" through my soul mate connection. It is torturing me right now. How do I take this and channel it into something productive? And how long can I expect to still "feel" this man's connection with me like I do right now? We bonded so strongly- how long until that bond begins to fade a bit, until it feels manageable? I can't carve his memory out of my mind or heart nor do I want to but the velocity of it has to ease at some point.

I am working darn hard at owning the love he gave me and letting the pain go. I love him unconditionally to where although he is no longer in my life I desire his happiness and continued healing but now I have to work on myself... and honest to God I can "feel" this energy inside of me and it's nearly unbearable. This is so embarrassing but when I heavily meditate I get all "riled up" and now- it's just too much for me to handle. I thought at first it was my imagination but no- I can feel that burning in my lower chakras and I don't know what to do with it. It is frustrating on more that one level because it also makes me miss my soul mate, and not only in a sexual way but it highlights the lack of our connection which makes me sad. Vicious cycle.

I am so blushing right now :) BTW here the song I woke with in my mind last year. It was being sung in my head like a country song on the radio. I then finished it myself, I'm sure with the help of my angels. It is sad and mournful, a true country song, but it was a gentle warning to me to heal after my soul mate love affair. To be gentle to myself and not seek empty solace in the arms of another because for someone like me, a really soft heart and soul, it's rotten and sick to do so.

My Last Goodbye

These chains around my heart they just won't set me free.
They're lonely and they're bittersweet 'cuz I know he's missing me.
Like two ships in the night forever passing in the breeze,
Darling hold me tight and I'll pretend my love's finally been released.

When you kiss me do mind if I gently close my eyes?
And when you pull me tight don't be alarmed by the tears I try to hide.
When we're together please ignore the pain you know's inside,
'Cuz being with you is just getting me over my last goodbye.

Love's come unraveled on rippling waves of mournful lullabies.
They say tranquility often flows in the wake of a goodbye.
If you hold me tight I promise to silence all my lonesome sounds,
There's no peace for me only the echo of my last go 'round.

When you kiss me do mind if I gently close my eyes?
And when you pull me tight don't be alarmed by the tears I try to hide.
When we're together please ignore the pain you know's inside,
'Cuz being with you is just getting me over my last goodbye.

My bitter truth argues against your hopeful heart.
Believe me I know it feels like Hell bein' slowly torn apart.
So let the wistful kisses cover up my little blue lies,
'Cuz being with you is just getting me over my last goodbye.

I'm sorry darlin' but being with you won't ever get me over my last goodbye.

FAE, I'm not sure of what you are asking. You don't say why you can't be with him. As for this "energy" you're talking about, nothing to be embarrassed about. You don't have to be celibate, to be Spiritual, if there is'nt going to be a reunion with him, you don't have to stay alone. If I got your meaning wrong I'm sorry.

[LilMariposa85]

I think discovering that kind of intimacy..........even if you weren't meant to be with this dude for the long term just taught you not to settle for anything less that what you found. He raised the bar so-to-speak. Now might just be a period of time where you are meant to focus on yourself.

Those are fantastic lyrics! I can imagine it sounding like a country song. Thats the best thing to channel your energy into--something you are passionate about. My twin soul and I are closer to reunion and I understand that a birthing of energy is created from these deep soul connections which makes sense because writing is what I'm passionate about and I channel most of my energy into that.

[Rawnrr]

Often times there is nothing more destructive to relationship than the word "soul mate"...because that often brings in implications of things beyond what is happening.
Sometimes people come and go into your life because you need them at a certain time for a specific reason. SO during that time, there is a deep bond.
But as things change (or in your description, as you were healing), your energy grew and the forces that brought you together have passed, and you are ready to move on.
You may want to hold on to the relationship for the growth and security it brought you...but you are really in a stronger place now, and ready to find something even stronger and more suited to your current state of being.

I believe in soul mates, but I believe we have more than one, too. He might have been right for you before, but you're certainly in another place now and deserve to have more. Don't rush too much in expending that excess energy on another person; find something else to expend that which will nourish your soul. Thanks for sharing your story!

During a spiritual awakening, relationships often end for multiple reasons.

In general, I will say that it is a releasing or undoing of your old ways to let in the new.
Also, there is the very real fact that he is no longer visible or present in your experience, because he is not vibrating within your frequency domain. You cannot perceive the vibration you are not of.
There is always something great to learn from intimate relationships--the reason for them, and the reason for their undoing. It is good that you have learned the lesson you sought out to learn by being in this relationship, and also by ending it.

With Love and Appreciation,

Kon