Suffering in my relationship.

Right now there is pain being felt in my relationship...Its like the same fights keep happening and they are happening more often. After the pain is felt we both apologize and i realize i do truly love him and thats more important.
Im just tired of this cycle that is happening and i want it to stop but i dont know how.
Any advice on how to get past these relationship issues that keep coming up?

Instead of just apologies, why not make some compromises as to how you are both going to change the problem itself?

For me and my partner there are often small issues that we both don't agree on. Believe it or not we agree, to disagree and that each of us compromises not to be angry if it's not to our liking. For a silly example I'll use toilet paper. Say that I like it top over and he likes it bottom under. Now does it reallllly matter? No, but of course, it urks us when it's not "our" way. Our compromise is this. Whomever changes the roll gets to put it their favorite way. Neither of us can complain because the other person actually TOOK the time to change the TP !! :)

[Xan]

Im just tired of this cycle that is happening and i want it to stop but i dont know how.
Any advice on how to get past these relationship issues that keep coming up?

It's hard to get clear in a repeating negative cycle, like you're describing, on your own. This is what relationship counselors are for, to help us get past these stuck points.

That's my suggestion... Get real help, not just forum advice.


Xan

What really helped me is coming to the realization that every single relationship - every last one - will always have irresolvable issues. It's a fact of life.

Marriage is the crucible of all relationships, so using that as an example, show me any marriage, and this is the reality. The difference between a happy marriage and an unhappy one is very simple: the positive outweighs the negative, making the irresolvable issues seem like no big deal at all.

Marital counseling tends to fail because it over-focuses on trying to fix the negative. Instead, work on increasing the positive, bringing the positive back into the relationship, until it drowns out the negative, reducing it to no big deal again.

Originally Posted by Medium_Laura

Instead of just apologies, why not make some compromises as to how you are both going to change the problem itself?

For me and my partner there are often small issues that we both don't agree on. Believe it or not we agree, to disagree and that each of us compromises not to be angry if it's not to our liking. For a silly example I'll use toilet paper. Say that I like it top over and he likes it bottom under. Now does it reallllly matter? No, but of course, it urks us when it's not "our" way. Our compromise is this. Whomever changes the roll gets to put it their favorite way. Neither of us can complain because the other person actually TOOK the time to change the TP !! :)

That's not a compromise - that's a win-win for both! Brilliant. Win-wins are so much better than compromises, where nobody gets what they want.

Apologies are good though - in marital counseling circles, they are called "making repair attempts." Google John Gottman and the Gottman Institute. Gottman can predict which couples will stay together, based on how they interact during a fight. Couples that make "repair attempts" are far more likely to stay together, than those who do not.

hehe yeah SQ, it seems to make our relationship work :)

[Xan]

SerpentQueen: Marital counseling tends to fail because it over-focuses on trying to fix the negative.

hmmm... Well, that all depends on the counselor, SQ. Many do exactly what you have suggested.


Instead, work on increasing the positive, bringing the positive back into the relationship, until it drowns out the negative, reducing it to no big deal again.

By teaching people how to communicate in ways that don't hurt the heart but support the relationship connection.


Xan

Originally Posted by SerpentQueen

What really helped me is coming to the realization that every single relationship - every last one - will always have irresolvable issues. It's a fact of life.

Marriage is the crucible of all relationships, so using that as an example, show me any marriage, and this is the reality. The difference between a happy marriage and an unhappy one is very simple: the positive outweighs the negative, making the irresolvable issues seem like no big deal at all.

Marital counseling tends to fail because it over-focuses on trying to fix the negative. Instead, work on increasing the positive, bringing the positive back into the relationship, until it drowns out the negative, reducing it to no big deal again.

There is defintly more positive in our relationship then negative...
But when something negative happens its just awful i cant even talk to him and i get depressed for awhile resisting the relationship which i know is just going to cause more pain but i cant help it if he starts pushing me away for no reason at all or he will just make up a reason for it it just causes so much pain when he pushes away i cant find the solution to get past it ...