I'm so depressed

[ForeverRestless]

This might sound dramatic or self-pitying, but today a sense of darkness has descended upon me.

Last night I went out to dinner with my boyfriend. We said I love you for the first time. Everything should be perfect. I should be on a high or something. But I'm not. I feel comfortable with my boyfriend. I enjoy his company. I love to do things with him, talk to him, cuddle. He's a great kisser. We get along. But he will never fully understand me on a deep level. And after experiencing what I had with my Twin Flame, everything in my life seems dull in comparison, including this relationship with a wonderful man that most normal 3D people would kill for. As I've said so many times in the past, I feel like my life has been tainted by the experience of meeting my Twin Flame and then losing the relationship. Nothing measures up, not even close. Life is numb and dull in comparison. Trying to find a relationship to replace that is almost laughable, but I did the best that I could. I waited two years. I found the "perfect" guy. He loves me and treats me all the ways someone should be treated. He's loving and supportive and kind. And he says I make him so happy. I do go out of my way to treat him well and show him affection and cook for him and ask him about his day and plan things together and all those normal relationship things. But in some surface way, it feels like I'm just going through the motions. Going to the grocery store with my Twin Flame was like poetry in motion. Everything in life became beautiful and more fulfilling. Going to the grocery store with my boyfriend, it's just like, ok, let's get this done, and chit chat while we're there. Crack a few jokes, run another errand. The best word I have for it is "normal." But normal just doesn't suffice after you've known your twin flame. I can't get past that.

During the two years that I was single, I was obviously the only person in my life, so I allowed myself to feel everything fully and freely. If I was sad and longing for my twin, in pain and crying out to god, I let myself do that. If I was taking a 6-hour hike on a mountain and looking at the beauty of creation around me, letting it connect me to spirit and the wonder of everything that meeting my Twin Flame showed me, that was so poignant for me. Now I'm constantly having to concern myself with someone else, a partner who is very much from the 3D. Being with him is fun, but it doesn't show me great depths. It doesn't make me feel alive. It has no component of yearning. I don't feel like I could change the world with him. I don't feel like life suddenly has been endowed with all this meaning. I'm just in a normal relationship and I don't feel anything very strong about it. And I'm about 98% certain that no matter what man I could choose to be with (besides my TF), it would be just the same. Six of one, half dozen of the other, they say. There is no replacing your twin flame. The only way you can replace that feeling is by finding it in yourself. And it seems like my relationship is just a distraction from facing myself. I don't feel moved by anything anymore. And I Know that I should. I know I should be talking about how beautiful it is that I found this love and a man who accepts me exactly as I am and loves me the way someone should and how did I ever get so lucky, etc. etc. But it still always feels like something is missing.

And this morning I wake up and check instagram and see this post about my Twin and his girlfriend living together and making a life together, furnishing an apartment, adopting animals, etc. And it just confirms this finality of their domestic life together... and cements for me the reality of how things are and are going to be. He also lives 5,000 miles away. I mean I have to come to terms with it. I may not be able to stop loving my Twin, ever, but we won't be together. He's going to make a life with her and I'm going to make my own life and I just have to accept it for what it is. I missed out on the greatest love ever. And now I just have to make the most of the life I have left. Try to be grateful for having this great man. Try to make it be enough. Because it's better than I could hope to find in any other 3D relationship. I mean I hated dating most of my life. No one ever understood me. I never really loved anyone until I met my Twin, and he changed everything. Now I'm back to not feeling love and not being understood, just making the most of things as I did before. Somehow I just have to be OK with everything as it is, knowing that this is what relationships are like for most people. They don't stare into their partners eyes for 30 minutes and feel so overwhelmed with love that they cry like a fountain. That's Twin Flame love but it's not how the world at large perceives a good relationship. And I have to just go back to perceiving a good relationship that way because this is as good as it's gonna get for me. I tasted paradise but I lost it. Now I'm back in the boring real world and I've got to find a way to love, and be a real human, in spite of what I saw. I mean I must love my boyfriend, right? I read a list yesterday "how to know someone loves you," and I do all those actions that indicate love so I must love him?? I just don't feel it. Maybe I loved in the past and didn't know it. Maybe this is just another love and love is actually mundane and my boyfriend finds it just as mundane for himself and doesn't know any better because he himself has never tasted paradise. This is how it is for most people. My soul knew there was something more out there (Twin Flame love) and when I tasted it, I knew exactly what it was and I relished it without any doubts. I had been waiting for this my whole life, but then it was yanked away from me. There's no going back.

Sure, my Twin Flame may want to stay in touch with me, but what good will that do either of us? I Just don't see how anything is ever going to change without one of us changing (like me breaking up my relationship and moving to his country). There are no guarantees in that, in anything. It's probably just an insane and impractical thing to do so I'll never do it. I'll just bury myself deeper in the "real world" and my Twin will do the same with his gf, even though I know how much he misses me. At this point, though, I don't even feel like talking to my Twin if it's impossible for us to be together. It feels useless and senseless. Talking to him isn't going to give me anything I need. If I need connection with Twin, I guess I'll just find it on the astral plane. But there is no resolution, and no lobotomy for removing the beautiful memories, and no scissors to cut the red cord that still connects us, torturing me.

I just feel so defeated. Like I had this great potential for my life and I could have reached the ultimate happiness, but I failed. And I fall back down to earth, disgraced, just trying to move along and do the best I can, being reminded that no matter what I have, it will never be as good as what I had with my Twin Flame. How can I learn to be OK with what I do have? And does it have to be a solo journey? I mean do Twins just have to be single people in order to be happy and follow the "flow" that leads them to their correct path? Sometimes I feel that being with my boyfriend binds me from such growth. I keep seeing all these posts on the forum about how people think they're going to fall in love with someone again and it will be even better in a different way from the love with their twin. But don't you see, no matter who you love, they'll never be your Twin. I can't reconcile this because there is no replacing your Twin, and no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, or invest so fully in this alternative, 3D life, you can't run from the connection. Knowing it was the only real thing you ever felt in your life. Knowing that it never lets you go.

I should be filled with bliss today, after my boyfriend finally told me he was in love with me. I should be on cloud nine. But instead I feel depressed, isolated and lonely. And I see that my Twin is moving even farther in the opposite direction as me, and I feel so, so defeated. Is this really all there is?

[A human Being]

I know it's easy for me to say but I think you need to tell your boyfriend how you're feeling, otherwise I can only think the two of you will become more and more estranged. It sounds like you're yearning for a deeper emotional connection - maybe having a heart-to-heart talk with your partner would help to foster that.

[OEN34]

Thank you for typing such a beautiful, heartfelt post. I could feel it when I was reading it.

There's lots that could be said here, but it would take a long time to post and wouldn't do it justice.

But as above; it reads that stripping everything away - all thoughts and emotions regarding your TF - the connection with your current boyfriend isn't what your higher self wants in my eyes.

You want what you had with your TF, and I am certain it is absolutely out there, but perhaps you needed this relationship to realise you aren't quite ready to meet the next person who will sweep you off your feet in a spiritual, emotional and mental way. Your soul knows what's what - you don't. Follow your gut and you will be on the right path.

Ultimately, you know you cannot change your current boyfriend into something or someone he is not. He is exactly who he needs to be right now, and the same applies for you, so perhaps a chat is what is needed and lay your heart out to him being honest. Many wouldn't do this as it's the most painful option. Saying nothing is the easiest one, but sadly with how awake you are it will cripple you and you eventually won't have a choice but to follow your heart.

[Inika]

wake up.

stop using people to fulfill and distract you from dealing with your biggest fears.

there is so much depending on someone else to soothe. if its not a tf its someone else. i get you spent two years (been since 2010 for me) so i do get it but what I dont get is why you are here posting about a man with another woman while you are with another man. It comes across to me as needy, afraid to stand alone in her truth and needing someone to remind her she is worthy, attractive and bangable. maybe a little compansionship to spare being lonely. its using people and being unauthentic and untrue.

i also dont get why love so big has to be by your side? i dont get it now. Why is accepting you love someone not enough? they HAVE to be there too otherwise, see yah! i'll find another penis that wants to be here then and open its mouth to talk to me to keep me distracted from thinkin of how sad i am over you.

wake up. be true. grow up. and work on insecurity and why you need other people to prop you up in life.

let the guy go too if you aint in it fully.

but selfish wont do that. and then to sit alone again with those feels over tf. no way. where is someone to use!

[loulou1986]

Originally Posted by ForeverRestless

, I feel like my life has been tainted by the experience of meeting my Twin Flame and then losing the relationship. Nothing measures up, not even close. Life is numb and dull in comparison. Trying to find a relationship to replace that is almost laughable, but I did the best that I could. I waited two years. I found the "perfect" guy. He loves me and treats me all the ways someone should be treated. He's loving and supportive and kind. And he says I make him so happy. I do go out of my way to treat him well and show him affection and cook for him and ask him about his day and plan things together and all those normal relationship things. But in some surface way, it feels like I'm just going through the motions. Going to the grocery store with my Twin Flame was like poetry in motion. Everything in life became beautiful and more fulfilling. Going to the grocery store with my boyfriend, it's just like, ok, let's get this done, and chit chat while we're there. Crack a few jokes, run another errand. The best word I have for it is "normal." But normal just doesn't suffice after you've known your twin flame. I can't get past that.

During the two years that I was single, I was obviously the only person in my life, so I allowed myself to feel everything fully and freely. If I was sad and longing for my twin, in pain and crying out to god, I let myself do that. If I was taking a 6-hour hike on a mountain and looking at the beauty of creation around me, letting it connect me to spirit and the wonder of everything that meeting my Twin Flame showed me, that was so poignant for me. Now I'm constantly having to concern myself with someone else, a partner who is very much from the 3D. Being with him is fun, but it doesn't show me great depths. It doesn't make me feel alive. It has no component of yearning. I don't feel like I could change the world with him. I don't feel like life suddenly has been endowed with all this meaning. I'm just in a normal relationship and I don't feel anything very strong about it. And I'm about 98% certain that no matter what man I could choose to be with (besides my TF), it would be just the same. Six of one, half dozen of the other, they say. There is no replacing your twin flame. The only way you can replace that feeling is by finding it in yourself. And it seems like my relationship is just a distraction from facing myself. I don't feel moved by anything anymore. And I Know that I should. I know I should be talking about how beautiful it is that I found this love and a man who accepts me exactly as I am and loves me the way someone should and how did I ever get so lucky, etc. etc. But it still always feels like something is missing.

And this morning I wake up and check instagram and see this post about my Twin and his girlfriend living together and making a life together, furnishing an apartment, adopting animals, etc. And it just confirms this finality of their domestic life together... and cements for me the reality of how things are and are going to be. He also lives 5,000 miles away. I mean I have to come to terms with it. I may not be able to stop loving my Twin, ever, but we won't be together. He's going to make a life with her and I'm going to make my own life and I just have to accept it for what it is. I missed out on the greatest love ever. And now I just have to make the most of the life I have left. Try to be grateful for having this great man. Try to make it be enough. Because it's better than I could hope to find in any other 3D relationship. I mean I hated dating most of my life. No one ever understood me. I never really loved anyone until I met my Twin, and he changed everything.

This. I could have written this. I feel every word you have written here. The numb, constant dull pain is always there even in the happiest of moments. I really think it always will be unfortunately. I try to stay grounded and not look back with rose tinted glasses. Easier said than done i know. I also wonder if you were ready to move on? Maybe it was too soon for you but then i am contradicting myself by saying the feeling will always be there. You cant live lofe unhappily. Focus on the present and the good times. Yes they may not match up 100% but try and take the joy from them. Big hug to you xxx

[loulou1986]

And Inika, i really feel like your reply is completely unhelpful. Read back what you wrote and put yourself in OPs shoes. You seem very angry about something and i dont think this post of forum is the correct outlet for it!!!

[Inika]

my opinion. take it or leave it. its honest.

try not to mistake my frustration of people using other people as anger. but im aware this is public and open to anyone to speak and respond via their interpretation.

depression is one thing. being sad your consolation prize is a 'normal' relationship with a good guy is something else.

they say I love you, and the next day she is here all depressed? thats love? its sounds like a liar.

I go along with Inika and A Human Being. We own our emotions and the problems they bring on us so as things stand, if you and this man confessed love to each other, anything further would seem to be using him to assuage your alone-ness and pain....unless you tell him about your TF distress. You have told him a lie.

If you have yet to get over your past relationship, a new one may be on the rebound and that really isn't fair. It will do your spiritual health no good.

[ForeverRestless]

Thanks for your support and guidance. Anyone who has a Twin Flame will understand why I came here for a sense of commiseration and empathy. For anyone whose instinct is to judge me, my journey or my Twin Flame connection (which my Twin recently acknowledged by describing his fear of the intensity, how he's never felt anything like this before me or since me, how six days with me felt like six years, how he could read my mind and thoughts, etc.), know this:

I spent two years with myself, learning and growing and trying to figure out how to move on, shed neediness, stand on my own, etc. Once I was at the end, I realized I didn't need a partner and was happy by myself, but that's when my boyfriend showed up, like this perfect manifestation of everything I'd told the universe I wanted. I never set out to take advantage of anyone. He pursued me and at first it was like a friendship. And it grew but never did I feel love for him like I felt for my Twin. But it was as good as any connection I'd had PRE-Twin. My friends told me the love would grow over time, and knowing what I know about Twins (that the love is instant, because you knew each other from past lives), it made sense; my and Twin's love had time to grow in past lives, which is why it was instant in this one; I should give love time to grow with my new boyfriend.

And here I am, a year later. The love didn't amount to anything huge and while we have a great relationship (he says I make him so happy and it just keeps getting better and better), I am plagued by the comparison to Twin Flame love I felt in the past. It's as simple as that. I am not malicious or vindictive. I just have memories. And I know that even if I search the earth, I'm not going to find what I had with my Twin again. So it feels like a matter of being with someone who's a pragmatic match for me, or being alone. I'm not sure if resolving to live a life alone is necessarily better. Everyone needs love. I just wish I could love again like I had for my Twin. But realizing it won't happen is what makes me depressed.

I also consider how during those two years of intense self-work, I let go of the need for validation, shed so much insecurity, learned to recognize my own worth despite the rejection from Twin, etc. At this point in life, having shed so much of that negative stuff, I find it hard to believe I could love anyone desperately, INCLUDING my Twin. Because I know if I met him now, I would not feel I needed him to complete me. I'm no longer capable of being infatuated like I was in my teens and 20s. I don't feel lost and abandoned when someone is not around because I learned that I am all I need. No one is going to fill my voids. I feel pretty full on my own, and that's one thing that my boyfriend and I talk about a lot: How we both went through so much stuff in our past to prepare us for one another. How we don't need each other for completion, but just meet in the middle.

Talking to him about creating a stronger emotional/spiritual connection isn't going to help. The relationship with him is what it is, and like I said, most people would be 100% satisfied with it, but I am tainted by a paradise I visited in the past. I'm not sure how to manage that, as it weighs heavy on me, knowing I'm getting everything I supposedly SHOULD want, and knowing that this is the best life is going to get for me, which is hard to accept considering what I have to compare things to.

My boyfriend is trying the best he can. And if he doesn't move my soul like I'd prefer, it isn't his fault. I'm not sure anyone would at this point. Possibly not even my Twin. I've possibly grown past that by now. I'm the only one who can do that for myself. But is a life alone and without love really what the universe had in store for me after introducing me to my Twin? I don't think so.

All I can do is be present and go with the flow. The universe sent this man to me for a reason, and made it so hard to avoid first a friendship, and a romance. It was meant to be and to teach me things. I don't know how long it will last. It would be nice if I could love him like I loved my twin, but I know that's not possible.

And as one friend told me, my boyfriend is a big boy and can leave the relationship if he feels he is being "used." If he feels in any way his needs are not being met. He is a very secure, well-adjusted man and is perfectly capable of doing that for himself. But comparing my very good relationship with my boyfriend to my Twin Flame love is not the same as using someone, so I don't buy it.

And I dunno, I go back and forth on where my Twin will fit into my life. He keeps saying I understand him better than anyone on this planet. And I mean, I feel he understands me too, and in ways my boyfriend doesn't. Maybe keeping that contact is good just for the sake of feeling mutually understood. Even if we will never be together again.

The fact that this love does not go away is no one's fault. We just have to learn to manage it in our real lives, with as much kindness (and effort!) as possible. And I don't think anyone should have to be alone. But if that's what the universe has in store for me, I will accept it.

[ssdm1]

ForeverRestless, I completely understand the feelings you are experiencing. I'm right there with you with no answer in sight. My twin also lives with his gf and I see photos of them building their life and home. The interesting thing is my own twin recently told me he has had a void in his life for a long time. He is unable to see what that void is, but he knows it's there. He goes on with his gf and probably will for the rest of his life.

He and I met when we were so young that I had my entire adult life to live after the experience of twin flame love. I dated, had a relationship, but like you I never felt again what I do for my twin or anything close to it. In the relationship I was in I realized the love I felt for that man was different from the love I had with my twin. At the time I did not know of twin flames and was thinking if felt different because I was older, that it was just a more mature love. But that was not it at all. That relationship broke up because that man was separated but not divorcing. While I felt bad after the break up, I moved on from it quickly (weeks) and never yearned for that man or the lost relationship.

I understand what you mean by life seeming dull. I feel like I've experienced so much more and my normal friends cannot even come close to understanding. I listen sometimes to someone excitedly telling me about the new appliance they've just bought and wonder to myself how that can be fulfilling to anyone. I know there is so much more out there.

I think most people experience love and relationships solely on a 3D level. Their partner is the best that has come along, they get along, enjoy each other's company, etc. and they simply don't know any better. I think this is one reason there is so much divorce.

I'm not sure what to tell you to do in your situation but I do understand what you're going through. I guess all we can do is accept our twin flame relationships for what they are and are not, and get by "normal" life the best we can, yet always knowing there is something much larger out there.

My decision is to keep my twin in my life. He wants that also. We are best friends, confidants. He'll do anything for me and will be there for me if I need him so I keep him as a friend. That too has it's challenges because of the deep love I feel for him. It's about acceptance.

Best to you. Hope this helps some.