Am I a Crazy Man? Had an emotional affair...

[loulou1986]

Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa

OMG, how sad it is to live like that!

Really I don't get you people. Are you affraid of being on your own? Is that the reason?

I believe that if you choose a partner that you commit, you need to be 100% sure you want to be with that person. Being completely in love with them not wanting anyone else in the world!

Because if from time to time you are still thinking about someone else, and wondering "what if", then maybe you should pay attention to that!

That is not fair either on you or the person you are with.

I really do not understand how people can live 4 years (and sometimes an entire life) like that!

Time to wake up, stop that bulls*** and listen to yourself!!

I agree. It is sad but i have two young children who adore their dad and for now, my life is about them. We dont live unhappily in the slightest and my husband and i love eachother very much. There is just an element to my inner being that will always wonder "what if" Would i have been happier alone or with this other person. Answer is probably no as i would have always wondered "what if i had stayed with my husband, would my kids be happier" etc etc There is always a what if to every choice you make. I didnt really give my choice any thought, my boys and their happiness will always come above my own. Im still young, whos to say circumstances wont change in the future but for now im right here where i need to be.

[Teddy_Broselvet]

Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa

OMG, how sad it is to live like that!

Really I don't get you people. Are you affraid of being on your own? Is that the reason?

I believe that if you choose a partner that you commit, you need to be 100% sure you want to be with that person. Being completely in love with them not wanting anyone else in the world!

Because if from time to time you are still thinking about someone else, and wondering "what if", then maybe you should pay attention to that!

That is not fair either on you or the person you are with.

I really do not understand how people can live 4 years (and sometimes an entire life) like that!

Time to wake up, stop that bulls*** and listen to yourself!!

Up until a couple months ago, I would have agreed with you 100%...I guess that until you are married and have children with someone who loves you and go through the unfortunate event of an awakening that came too late, how could you honestly know what we are going through

[Teddy_Broselvet]

Originally Posted by Ldlf16

So many evil, angry, man-hating women in your story.....

Honestly, I think a lot of these girls were just young and had men use them all around the same time... negative emotions spread like wildfire amongst young women on social media.
My guess is that today, most of these women are great people who are stronger for a going through a nasty time in their life

[Teddy_Broselvet]

Alright...Lets continue on with my babbling

So I left off with Alyssia flying back home after her cousins wedding...And let it be known that at this point, she is no more than an attractive, random coincidence that I had a drunken conversation with.

Shortly after all that, I got engaged and married my wife. At this point in my life, my daughter's mom still has custody, but she is still absolutely awful. She is constantly using my daughter as a barging chip to try to get her way. This chick even goes as far as to threaten to tell my wife we were having an affair, which never happened, if I didn't do what she wanted. All while neglecting her child. She didn't work, and didn't take care of my daughter. I would pick her up every week on Friday and have to immediately give her a bath, she would be THAT dirty.

After receiving a couple letters from the department of child services in regards to cases about her well being, my wife and I went on a 2-year all hands on deck mission to save my daughter and get custody....You see, where I live, it's not easy for a man to get custody of a child. You would think that it would be enough to show the court that I was able to offer a stable household with a mother and father figure, who both have stable careers and are respected throughout the community. But that's not the real world people.... A good and stable man has to fight and claw his way through the system in order to get custody from a deadbeat mother. My wife and I were consumed. Every ounce of our energy, time and money was invested and focused on the mission of getting custody. We had an army of friends and family helping of course, writing letters of recommendation and combing through what seemed like endless pages of this woman's Facebook rants and post about sex and drugs. Just waiting and hoping that we would be able to get this information to the judge before something bad happened to my daughter. And lucky for me, I was granted custody of my daughter...

Although we won the battle, and saved my daughter, we spent so much energy it left us exhausted. Physically and Mentally exhausted. It changed us... I want to say it made us stronger as a couple, and I'm sure on some level it did...but at the same time I cant help but think it weathered us. We never really had that opportunity to build a solid foundation without that overwhelming cloud of negative energy, constantly swirling around us like a never ending hurricane. Eventually the hurricane passed...but the aftermath has yet to be fully cleared.

Okay. So I've wrote A LOT already and I still really haven't gotten into the affair and how all that started, it does feel good to be typing this out...My next post will dive into the buildup of the seemingly random encounters signs, synchronicities that are still happening today.

Till then...

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by loulou1986

I agree. It is sad but i have two young children who adore their dad and for now, my life is about them. We dont live unhappily in the slightest and my husband and i love eachother very much. There is just an element to my inner being that will always wonder "what if" Would i have been happier alone or with this other person. Answer is probably no as i would have always wondered "what if i had stayed with my husband, would my kids be happier" etc etc There is always a what if to every choice you make. I didnt really give my choice any thought, my boys and their happiness will always come above my own. Im still young, whos to say circumstances wont change in the future but for now im right here where i need to be.

I was married for 9 years and I do have a daughter of younger age and I can tell you that her happiness would never come first than mine.

And you know why? Because of two thing: first of all because if I am not happy myself, I can never make my child happy. And she will know/sense I am not happy. We live in a you first Universe.

Second, because we teach by example, not by words. I want my child to see that her mom puts her happiness as a priority and that that is important in life.

I'm sorry this is nothing personal against you, but your post have "settled" written all over it. Everyone is happy but you. Time to wake up I say.

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by Teddy_Broselvet

Up until a couple months ago, I would have agreed with you 100%...I guess that until you are married and have children with someone who loves you and go through the unfortunate event of an awakening that came too late, how could you honestly know what we are going through

As I said on my previous post, I was married for 9 years and have a 6 year old daugther.

[OEN34]

Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa

I was married for 9 years and I do have a daughter of younger age and I can tell you that her happiness would never come first than mine.

And you know why? Because of two thing: first of all because if I am not happy myself, I can never make my child happy. And she will know/sense I am not happy. We live in a you first Universe.

Second, because we teach by example, not by words. I want my child to see that her mom puts her happiness as a priority and that that is important in life.

I'm sorry this is nothing personal against you, but your post have "settled" written all over it. Everyone is happy but you. Time to wake up I say.

Absolutely superb!

I thought the exact same thing. Putting your children first (or anyone) is teaching your children to put themselves behind others when they are in the position to make decisions.

I have always taught mine that we - as individuals - are the most important thing above anyone else. Putting others first shows lack of self love, self compassion and a sense of low self worth towards one self.

Children aren't dumb, they pick up vibes very, very easily. If you act self sufficient, independent and be assertive with your own actions, they follow suit.

[Lynn]

Hello

"The grass is always greener on the other side (of the fence)."

Prov. People always think they would be happier in a different set of circumstances. (Usually implies that the other circumstances really are not any better.)

Your not crazy just had a test in the path of life is all. At times its called a test of faith, but its deeper than that, its about finding out more about yourself as an individual. That place where more of you wants to explore what is out there. If we are in a place where we are not happy how can we then be happy in another place ? We have to be individual first and then bring someone in that will help us walk our path. We can not find someone that completes us. We have to find our completeness.

For any new relationship to take hold and to work one has to clear the old one first, yet the heart gets in the the path with emotions over ruling logic and well at times balance in common sense. When we do not communicate with our partner we often fall into the trap of hiding something that just keeps growing and growing til it well blows up in our face.

We can all have the "thoughts" and never take it farther that the "what if" I stepped out, or we can connect on the internet and get pulled into the game of emotions.

I met my now husband on SF back in 2007 and we met in person (as friends with the blessings of both our partners) in 2012 when I was gifted for my anniversary what I thought was a "once in a lifetime" trip to Stonehenge Summer Solstice. A place I had always wanted to visit and touch.

We both had very toxic relationships yet we never went to that place of romance til we both cleared our old relationships fully. Though those feelings were there we never let the heart rule the roost.

My EX never thought I would find it in me to leave, he thought that he ruled me and our kids, that everything was "his" including me. He even laid in the same bed with me til I moved out on the last day we had our house. Always thinking she will come running back.

Did I hurt him, nope seems he had already had an affair. Yet he accused me of the same.

Its not a nice place to be in where the heart wants something and the place we are in is not set up for that to happen.

Its that energy connection that we have with us, we just have to learn to deal with it logically is all and that is easier said than done.

Lynn

[Teddy_Broselvet]

So everything up until now has basically been nothing more than buildup and history. Now we are "ALMOST" back to present time. To be exact, I am going to go back only a few months, the end of MAY 2017 to be exact. Oh ya.. I almost forgot to add the part where Alyssia and her family moved back to the town I live in. Up until this point, we haven't had any contact other than we sat together at this kindergarten orientation night. (remember, she was pregnant at the same time as my daughters mother) Her son is also in my daughters class.

Okay, so the school year ends in May and the school holds this special event for the kiddos with perfect attendance. The elementary held their event at the local roller skating rink. After work I go to pick up my daughter, and not more than 30 seconds after walking in, I was approached by Alyssia. We have a fun 10 minute conversation while the kids are taking off their roller skates, then say goodbye and head our separate ways. By the time I get home, there is a facebook message waiting for me from her, saying something along the lines of how nice it was running into me (or something along those lines) We wind up messaging back and forth for a couple days and the chemistry between us is almost bewildering. Like, I'm not a cheater, and I've never cheated, or really even entertained the idea. But this girl was different. We clicked on seriously every level, the level of comfort we felt with one and another was unparalleled. We used snap chat mostly, and for the unfamiliar, its a chatting app. Snap chat has this feature where it uses a face next to your friends names, and depending on the level of your relationship (through number of messages) it changes the expression on the face to represent how close you are to this person. Within 24 hours, she went from not being on my list, to having a heart next to her name. To this day, I have never had a heart appear next to another name. It got to the point where I honestly had to stop, look at myself in the mirror and remind myself that I was married and I could not allow myself to let this happen. She must have felt similar, because a couple days later she disappeared. No more messages, No more replies. Straight Vanished. probably for the best I thought...

So now something weird is happening to me, I'm not sure why but I cannot stop thinking about her. We only connected for a few days before severing ties. But she is there, in my mind 24-7. Could not stop wondering what happened...I knew I couldn't continue to talk to her, but that didn't stop me from wanting it. Eventually though, her memory began to fade, and after 2 months, I got to the point where she rarely crossed my mind. I went on with my life.

Now we can fast forward to the end of September, 2017. I'm not sure if this is worth saying but here it goes. I want to start by saying I don't believe in things like wishing upon a star... I'm smart enough to know a shooting star isn't a shooting start at all, it's no more than a meteor burning up in our atmosphere. I KNOW THIS....but I was working this really weird work schedule for a couple months during the harvest that had me going home at 4:30 A.M. So I'm on my way home and I see BY FAR the largest meteor burn up. This thing was HUGE, literally the size of a quarter as is brightly flew across my windshield, lighting up the night sky. Now I don't believe in shooting starts, wishing upon them and your dream come true. If fact, I doubt I ever have previously, but for whatever reason. I instantly said her name out loud. I no more than say Alyssia, and I get this feeling like, OH NO dude! You just wished for her and your married! What the hell are you thinking! I tried to take it back, but what's the use I thought... shooting stars aren't even stars....

A week or two after the meteor even, my daughter and I were on our way home from a late morning doctors appointment. I drive past this local coffee shop that I never go to and I like almost feel this voice in my mind tell me to get a cup of coffee. I never stop at this place, but felt compelled, so I turned around in an abandoned parking lot and went back to the shop to grab a cup to go. I walk inside and start to fill up my cup at this self serve station they have set up, and I hear a voice say my name....Look around and Alyssia is standing there...Working... turns out she's a barista at this place. So we talk for 10 minutes or so and the chemistry is still as strong as ever. Say goodbye and I take off...Random coincidence I guess. I think about how random the encounter was the entire way home and decide to message her. She messaged me back immediately and that's how it all took off. We began talking every day, for hours we would message back and forth. We talked about everything, no topic was out of question. We were able to tell secrets about ourselves without the fear of judgement.

But that's not all....... I'm not sure when I started to take notice, but shortly after beginning this secret communication with her, I began to see re-appearing number sequences. To be exact, the same 3 number sequences.

11:11 3:33 and later on 12:21

When I say I saw them, I mean all the time... sometimes multiple times a day. At one point, I had seen 1:11 11:11 or 3:33 at least once if not twice a day for 15 days straight. In fact, I still catch one of them almost daily. For a while, I ignored the numbers. like they were no more than a coincidence. But the more I ignored them, the more they presented themselves. After about a week of seeing these numbers (mostly 11:11) I decided to get on the internet and do a search. It's at this point where I stumbled across a website that explained this concept of "Twin Flames" I didn't believe it... it seemed like some crazy concept that a group of lonely women came up with in order to avoid dealing with reality. And besides, this twin flame concept really didn't fit my belief system. See I grew up in the Christian Church, but somewhere I lost the light, and eventually got to the point where I denounced the existence of any god and about became an atheist. But the funny thing about all this is that I'm a researcher. So I continued to research, and I stumbled on this list of things that happen when you find your Twin Flame. And as I'm reading this list of 30 or so things, it dawns on my. Almost like a HOLY **** moment. These list, they are literally explaining everything that is going on in. Everything that I cant explain, every feeling of crazy and overwhelming. The more I read, the more everything made sense.... Even that feeling in the center of my chest was explained. Chakra? I think it's called. Like I literally could feel that energy. At night, when I would lay in bed, I could feel like this ball of energy between my lungs. I could feel it pulsing, and if I focused, I almost felt like I could make it grow larger and out of my body. It was crazy...When I would fall asleep, I could feel this energy grown and then I would get these flashes. Images. They would only last a few seconds, and always in black and white. This image that I kept seeing over and over was me leaning in to kiss her. Every time, as I would lean in, closer to her lips, I could feel that energy grow, and the moment our lips would touch, the ball of energy almost felt like it was exploding outward. Then the vision would flash white and be over. It was at this point where I finally started to believe in this Twin Flame thing... but I never told her. I began to pray again, and talk to my guiding spirits.

A few weeks into our affair, we still hadn't met face to face again....To this point everything was strictly over the phone. We were afraid that if we got together, we wouldn't be able to control ourselves and we knew we couldn't let this affair turn physical. But after a couple week. She eventually came to visit me after work. We talked for a couple hours but nothing physical. When I stared in her eyes...the only way I could describe it is powerfully hypnotic. Like staring into a mirror while tripping on mushrooms. The power from looking into each others eye's was both terrifying and magnetic at the same time. Then it happened, I had to know....I leaned in and kissed her. To this day, I can't put that energy into words. The amount of love we both felt for those few moments was more than either of us knew to exist. Shorty after, she had to leave in order to beat the school bus home.

A couple days later, in the middle of the night, she was talking on the phone to her best friend. She didn't know her husband was listening through the register, but he overheard her say that she had fell in love with me.

[Teddy_Broselvet]

Continued...

At this point, her husband is furious but still wants to fix their marriage. Alyssia on the other hand is tired of being in a loveless marriage and is ready to move on with her life. Their marriage hasn't been on the best of terms for quite some time...they were in it for the kids...and finding me was the kick start she needed to find happiness. At this point, her husband knows she loves another man, and she isn't denying it, but he doesn't know its me. Although I know it's only a matter of time before he figures it out. Which I was honestly okay with. The idea of running around behind our spouses back really never sat well with either one of us. Neither of us have cheated before and in all honestly, it was pretty dang heavy. I was ready to come clean to my wife anyhow and I had it all planned out too. I had to leave for a business trip that week but was going to be home Friday night...that's when I had planned to come clean, and tell my wife everything. But not all thought out plans get to be executed. This was no exception.

It was November 8th, 2017. I was out of town, sitting down to a dinner at Outback and my phone rings, not unusual. Its my wife, not unusual. She asks be about a text message she received from Alyssia's husband. I was caught. But the funny thing about it, is I didn't feel like the dirt bag I should have. I felt relieved. relieved that I didn't need to lie any more....after quite the come to jesus conversation, I told my wife I would cut ties with her. But that proved to be quite a bit more challenging that I had anticipated. I called her on my way home that Friday to end our relationship. That wound up being a 3 hour conversation. Along the way I needed to get gas, so I did and she remained on the line with me. We were talking about our future, she kept asking me to let her love me, but knew that I was on the fence about leaving my wife and children. It that moment when I look at the clock on the display for the first time in hours, and it says 3:33. Now she's curious about this too, because this is the 7th number sign I saw in 4 days. She looks it up and discovers it's an Angle number, and something along the lines of having their support with my choices. She took that as a sign that we are doing the right thing, and I must say that I was convinced as well. We talked almost the rest of the trip and the call ended with both of us saying goodbye, almost unable to bear the words.

Possible the 4 longest days of my life...

I felt like a ghost in my own shell...I had a hard time concentrating on anything, I was home but wasn't....My wife thought I was acting funny out of guilt from having an affair....but no...that wasn't the case. The feeling of lost was terrible... Almost like the mourning that occurs after a loved one passes on. But 4 days later, I get a message at work...it's Alyssia. She echo's my feelings of loss and sadness without the other. We begin talking daily once again. But more importantly, I decide to send her a link that discussing twin flames. She reads it, and with an OMG, verifies everything that I have been thinking. Not only does she instantly believe in the concept, she instantly believe that she and I are in fact twins. As it would turn out, those Twin Flame lists on the internet, she agreed with 90% of the signs too. And the sings that I didn't see, or feel.. she did... In fact, between the 2 of us, almost every single sign had been experienced by either one or both of us.

We both started reading the TF blogs and whatnot, and knew what we needed to do prior to joining. We promised we would not have sex until we were both single, and able to be together without negative karma. I guess I was being too flakey for her. She was ready to leave her marriage for me. And I needed time to decide if I could put my kids through a divorce or not. She kept begging me to let her love me. To allow us to be together and grow old together. But I couldn't commit. And I definitely couldn't do this to my kids right before Christmas. We tried to split up multiple times. But every time we could only stay apart for a couple days at best before one would reach out to the other. She started talking to another guy, and felt the need to tell me that they were becoming close. My heart sunk when she told me this. To be honest, I don't think I have ever felt a hole like that in my heart. The thought of her just moving on and forgetting about me was almost too much to bear. I would cry while talking to my spirits, guess I still do when the thoughts get to be too much. I found myself in a nasty, dark place. A funk that isn't easy to overcome. On 12-21, I sent her a long message, expressing my acceptance of her relationship with this other man, and that I would continue to send my love, but I wouldn't stand in her way. In her reply, she informed me that she still thought about me and when she kisses this other man, she feels as though she is being unfaithful to me.

We don't talk much anymore....I realize that all this happened only within the last couple months...but it's still extremely hard for me at times. I sent her a Merry Xmas message...no response...then sent a new years message saying goodbye. A couple days later, I knew I shouldn't but I stalked her on Facebook. I found a post she wrote about her divorcing her husband and people need to stop being judgmental.... Her husband left a reply telling the world about her affair with me (eye roll, I hate when ppl do this type of thing)
Then she left a long rebuttal. She categorized our relationship as nothing more than few mere moments of weakness that she should had shut down but unfortunately allowed to get out of hand, and that she had no intentions of ever talking to me again.

I have never had words hurt me like that before

I pretty sure that she was just trying to save a little face. But that hardly helps. I hope she didn't actually mean them, because to this day I have a really hard time accepting that I was a "mistake" and she has no intention of talking to me again... I keep wanting to reach out to her... to let her know that she can't just stop loving someone by replacing them. Some days I just want to know if she's happy... I use to be able to feel her, but not so much anymore