Am I a Crazy Man? Had an emotional affair...

[Teddy_Broselvet]

Hey everyone. Thanks in advance for reading what could very well turn into babble..

I'm going to begin by coping what I wrote in a different forum dedicated to personalities. (Which is why it is only about my personality)

Then I will tell my story, although I may not have time to get to it today, it will be soon though...

Quick background. I am a Meyers-Briggs ESTJ personality, which is typically thought of as Rational and Logistic. Very good at taking the facts and making logical decisions from those facts. We are not typically great at reading between the lines, we are thought of as good leaders and typically follow a tight line of principals.

Enough of that...if you want to know more, I hope you look into it further, Here is my post from PersonalityCafe.com:

-Let me start by saying I am an ESTJ, married to an ISFJ for 4 years with 2 kids (1 with her and full custody of the older one)

-I have had many girlfriends, and never cheated on any one of them. Never..Ever...EVER!!!

-In fact, the thought of cheating had never crossed my mind as a rational possibility (not who I am)

-I have also never been broken up with. Literally. In fact, I broke up with my wife 5 years before we ended up married. Not that I'm proud of that fact, but it's the truth.

-Historically speaking, my break ups tended to be quite fast and usually caught many people off guard...but when I didn't feel the spark, why waste time right?

Now onto the Shocker...

-3 months ago, I had an emotional affair

-We were both married

-We made out pretty seriously, wanted to have sex but we both knew we couldn't let it come to that.

-3 weeks into the affair, her husband over heard her telling her friend that she was falling in love with me, this of course started the ball rolling. I felt terrible guilt prior to his finding out and had every intention of telling my wife before she found out from anyone else. I had to leave town for a business trip and had EVERY intention of telling my wife about this other woman as soon as I got home. Unfortunately, he beat me to the punch. I got a phone call from my wife, questioning me about a text message she received from this man. I immediately came clean and told her everything. Except, I left out the part where almost instantly fell for this women. Strong enough that the entire time I was in this extramarital relationship, I repeatedly told her how crazy I felt for doing what we were doing. How out of character it was for me (for both of us). It was terrifying, the speed in which our relationship was advancing, despite our marriages. The energy was almost overwhelming and the feeling when we looked into each others eyes gives me chills to this day. It does get weirder, if you can imagine such a thing...


OKay...so that was my post to them....I didn't mention anything about a Possible TF connection but I will add that the only reason I even know about TF is because of this encounter....more to come..

Not wanting to diminish your particular problem, the current divorce rate (in the UK) suggests this is happening all the time which, I know, doesn't help you resolve it.

It's going to take honestly on all sides and emotions are things that people are rarely honest about. Honesty about whether you're really falling in love with your new woman or is it that the grass is greener and your wife no longer inspires your love for her? Honesty in, is it possible to keep up a deep friendship with the new woman, like, will the emotions settle down? Are you in contact with your own emotions enough to know whether they'll last?

There are many questions and actions to follow. Trust will have broken among four people. Can you recover your own? Can it be rebuilt by either woman, her husband - because, this has arisen from deceit - an understandable one as it's difficult to give one's spouse a running commentary on what's happening "over the fence." but deceit it was not to declare the interest when it was obviously blossoming.

(A couple of friends and myself recently helped another friend who had been driven to leave her husband (for various reasons). She's back with him now but keeping in touch, she and husband do seem to be in what might be called a "holding position". From what I gather, the husband is upset at his behaviour but trust broke and I doubt it can ever be rebuilt. The girl has seen a changed person in her husband that (so it seems) she doesn't like. Whether time can heal the wounds remains to be seen.)

[shoni7510]

Hello Teddy,

I sympathise with your situation and admire the fact that you have never cheated until now, not many people can say that. You seem to have developed something for the new woman that is more than just an emotional affair but a full bloom romantic relationship. The only reason why you did not have sex was because of guilt but you wanted to. You basical now have two women that you both love and a very complicated situation of the prospects of breaking two marriages in order to build a new one from the ashes of the broken ones. I can't tell you what to do; listen to your own heart.

[OEN34]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Not wanting to diminish your particular problem, the current divorce rate (in the UK) suggests this is happening all the time which, I know, doesn't help you resolve it.

It's going to take honestly on all sides and emotions are things that people are rarely honest about. Honesty about whether you're really falling in love with your new woman or is it that the grass is greener and your wife no longer inspires your love for her? Honesty in, is it possible to keep up a deep friendship with the new woman, like, will the emotions settle down? Are you in contact with your own emotions enough to know whether they'll last?

There are many questions and actions to follow. Trust will have broken among four people. Can you recover your own? Can it be rebuilt by either woman, her husband - because, this has arisen from deceit - an understandable one as it's difficult to give one's spouse a running commentary on what's happening "over the fence." but deceit it was not to declare the interest when it was obviously blossoming.

(A couple of friends and myself recently helped another friend who had been driven to leave her husband (for various reasons). She's back with him now but keeping in touch, she and husband do seem to be in what might be called a "holding position". From what I gather, the husband is upset at his behaviour but trust broke and I doubt it can ever be rebuilt. The girl has seen a changed person in her husband that (so it seems) she doesn't like. Whether time can heal the wounds remains to be seen.)

Great post, and completely agree.

To the outsider, it can read as this 'love' is a catalyst, as you said yourself you had already emotionally left your marriage 5 years prior to the wedding. But, it can also be read as this lady is a genuine someone who is right for you and is the next person to assist you in evolving.

The more confusing thing is, when your emotions are everywhere and you feel confused (which you do), you are coming from mind, which isn't going to offer much clarity in how you truly feel.

I think this will take time for the dust to settle, but as Lorelyen said - there are others involved here and not just you, although you have to be selfish here and put your feelings first, not others, as, well, the ego would love that you put others first, thus making yourself feel terrible and full of guilt.

Regarding guilt; this is common, obviously, especially in the situation you are in. I have been in your situation, but I ended up having a sexual relationship with the other person I was having an affair with - and my advice would be to work on self compassion, self forgiveness, self love, and realise guilt is a wasted emotion which stems from the ego.

You cannot change the outcome of what has happened, no matter how much pressure or damage you put on yourself. It cannot be undone, so acceptance is imperative here.

The other parties may attempt to make you feel guilty, but that is them wanting you to feel some of their pain, so see through this and do not absorb it.

Look after yourself, chap.

Edit: My friend is also having a similar experience to yours, Lorelyen. Has left and gone back through fear of the unknown in leaving the marital home and seeks familiarity and that wrapped in cotton wool comfort back with his wife. He has since left again, but I feel he will be back again within the next week or two. The easy option suits, doesn't it. Takes balls and what others consider 'selfishness' to up sticks and leave. It's funny, because the ones who are calling the person for wanting to leave 'selfish' couldn't be more selfish themselves. They expect the happiness of the person who is leaving to be secondary compared to that of their own...the mind boggles

[loulou1986]

I've been where you are Teddy, we both chose to stay with our partners. Almost 4 years down the line and i still think about him snd wonder what if. Be brave and go with your heart <3

[Teddy_Broselvet]

Originally Posted by loulou1986

I've been where you are Teddy, we both chose to stay with our partners. Almost 4 years down the line and i still think about him snd wonder what if. Be brave and go with your heart <3

Unfortunately, things are rarely this black and white in this world.
(I'm also playing the "what if" game)
...for a while now I've watched older people who are always sad/angry/grumpy and every time I tell myself that they weren't always like this, and I pray that I never understand what converted them...

[olhosdeamendoa]

I think that instead of focusing on the "cheating", you need to be a mature adult and ask yourself what do YOU want.

There's a reason for cheating, I'm not saying is not bad because it is, but you need to understand why you did it. Do you love this other woman? Do you not love your wife? With whom do you want to be with? Do you want to be alone on your own?

It think this is a wake-up call for you to go within yourself and listen to what you really want.

I'm sorry but is time to stop acting like a child and grow up and follow your truth.

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by loulou1986

I've been where you are Teddy, we both chose to stay with our partners. Almost 4 years down the line and i still think about him snd wonder what if. Be brave and go with your heart <3

OMG, how sad it is to live like that!

Really I don't get you people. Are you affraid of being on your own? Is that the reason?

I believe that if you choose a partner that you commit, you need to be 100% sure you want to be with that person. Being completely in love with them not wanting anyone else in the world!

Because if from time to time you are still thinking about someone else, and wondering "what if", then maybe you should pay attention to that!

That is not fair either on you or the person you are with.

I really do not understand how people can live 4 years (and sometimes an entire life) like that!

Time to wake up, stop that bulls*** and listen to yourself!!

[Teddy_Broselvet]

Okay, so I said I would post more so here is my story
*I would like to note that I'm still not sure if this is a TF story or not*

Alright...so here we go, this is going to be long, and most likely will be a multi-post story. Who knows if anyone even wants to read this ramble...



So my story begins in May of 2017...

At this point in my life, I am married and content. I have 2 children, my daughter who was 6 at the time is with another woman. My wife and I spent our first 2 years of marriage getting her away from her drug addicted biological mother. I now have full custody. That is another story in and of itself...My wife and I also have one child together. He is awesome.

So lets rewind back to May of 2017. It's the end of the school year and the kids who had perfect attendance are having a roller skating party. Awesome right???? So I get off work and head to the local rink to pick up my kiddo. No more than walk through the door and I'm approached by this absolutely breathtakingly beautiful redheaded woman (I have always LOVED ginger women, although I had not even been with one) So I kind of already know who this woman is. In fact, there's kind of a "small world" type story to be told here as well...

Should I go into our background??? Writing my entire story might be therapeutic...

Maybe I will...alright, I convinced myself... This all starts 6 years previously...so 2009ish....To the surprise to everyone in my life, I just broke up with the woman I dated for 3 years...who would eventually become my wife...and I start dating this girl that's 6 years younger than me, we date for a few months. I love crazy women, like we could have been happy forever if happiness was based only on the bedroom...but after a few months, I couldn't handle her amount of instability and we split after new years. She then comes at me a couple months later saying she stopped taking her birth control when we were together and she's pregnant...So I'm like 25 years old and I don't quite believe her...she instantly goes on this Facebook Terror quest, calling me a "dead beat dad" and all. So there must have been a lot of girls who all hated men at this time, because a bunch of her friends jumped on the hater wagon...Funny thing about it all is that out of all those mad women, and all those angry posts and replies, I felt tied to one. This girl named Alyssia. She didn't post anything exceptionally mean or angry, nothing more than a "you can do better" post wrote to my future daughters mom. But for whatever reason, this one post, wrote by a girl on the other side of country grabbed my attention, and I never forgotten it.

So after my daughter was born I attempted to make it work with her mother, but once again, fire and gasoline don't mix. we wound up separating for good after 3 months. At this point, Ashley (my daughters mother) really goes off the deep end and begins 4 year campaign of controlling and ruining every aspect of my life through my love for my daughter. All while she's falling into the grasp of an uncontrollable drug habit. It's in these dark days where I felt like I was drowning in life.

*She broke me*

My life was turning into shambles. I had a good job and career, but work wasn't enough to fight the depression. Constantly dealing with an angry, evil woman isn't easy and it definitely took it's toll on me both mentally and physically. It's this point where I wind up reaching out to the woman whose life I shattered a few years before...and surprisingly enough, when I was felt like I was drowning, she reached out her hand and pulled me out of the water.

She took me back, and began to put me back together. And for that I feel as though I am forever in debt to her. While we were dating, my future wife became really good friends with a couple co-workers who got engaged. They became good enough friends that she was asked to be in the wedding. Now I have no idea what you women go through when your brides maids, but it's a lot and I commend you for all you do to help the bride! While my wife was doing her part, she became best friends with another brides maid, Danielle and I wound up becoming best friends with her husband. So its the day before the wedding, and Danielle's sister just flew back into town and guess who, it was Alyssia...The girl who I always remembered from her one random comment. So the wedding comes and we have a good time and end up back at Danielle's house for the after party. This is the first time Alyssia and I talk in person. I don't remember saying it, but she told me a line I said to her that night that had always stuck with her. She changed out of her dress and into some sloppy pajama pants and T and I said something along the lines that the looks was "Very Becoming on her"...idk why I said that. but I did...

So anyways, after that night. She flew back home and I didn't really think anything more of it other than maybe a slight disappointment.

[Ldlf16]

So many evil, angry, man-hating women in your story.....