The abyss

[ste20man]

Hi.

I just want to ask your opinion on an event that happened to me some time ago. I'm asking because I want to begin to meditate and I just nenormal ed to understand what happened to me way back when because in truth I'm afraid to move forward even though I believe that I need to.

Some time ago I was extremely depressed and found myself in my bedroom in my parents house. It was late at night and little was to be seen. I was on my knees in mental anguish and pain.

In this moment a darkness enveloped me, a cliff like in the film The Abyss. This oily blackness that led to below wasn't exactly terrifying, it was something more, it was conscious. It spoke no words and needed not to move because it was everywhere, the unnerving aspect of it was it was aware of me. It completely enveloped me, a deep chasm presented before me. Infinitely deep. Completely silent.

In any normal sense I would have ran, if I could. But quite quickly I realised in my heart that I was tending to only one conclusion, that I was going to dive in. This wasn't a just a mental construct but a physical feeling too. It was everything and it was quite clear that everything was on the line.

I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know if I was going to die. I just knew I couldn't take my pains anymore. That this looked like a way out. It was quite clear I had not come across an abyss like this before and I gave in.

I said a small prayer in the hope that there might be 'something' out there bigger than me, maybe even something as big as a 'god?' and dove in.

As I did, expecting nothing but black I was shown exactly the opposite, nothing but light that was conscious. An eternal conscious that was infinite in every direction. Warmth and beautiful oranges, with me, only existing in that realm as a small drop of consciousness in the larger whole.

There was no time. This state of being has been and always will be. It is eternal perfection vibrating only love taking away my pain in an instant.

I stayed in the state until I realised I had no physical body to speak of.

I was just conscious itself.

As soon as I came back to that bodily thinking I found myself in my room, crying and mouthing the words: "I never knew..."

I never knew there could be something so loving, complete and beautiful.

I want to know what this abyss is. It still worries me till today.

I want to meditate.

Am I safe to do so?

Will I have to face the abyss, that physical abyss, conscious abyss again?

Thanks for your time, ste.

That sounds more like an aspect of an NDE which can occur outside of near physical death, for instance under extreme emotional duress.

As to whether it will happen if you begin a meditation practice... Who knows, but what I will say is if you do take up meditation one fundamental concept to keep in mind is to not chase experiences. If it happens it happens, but if you wish it to happen and it doesn't that's just a nexus for disappointment and goes against the grain of the purpose of the practice.

[davidsun]

Just some possibly pertinent interpretations of your 'trip', ste20man:

'Darkness' represents the idea of non-being which many project is what their 'condition' will be and so will be what they 'experience' when they 'die'. JASG's suggestion that this might be a kind of NDE therefore makes sense to me.

What you actually experience in the course of your 'trip' is the very opposite of that - light (etc.) represents the absolute being(ness) which 'shines' brilliantly when the self's fear/dread of dissolution is faced (by diving into it).

This 'experience' (generated by your own 'inner' self) should (logically) 'teach' you that there is nothing to fear/dread in that regard. The (current) scaredy-cat 'nature' of your personality results in your having a hard time trusting that (very clear to me) 'message'.

My advice: keeping on 'diving' 'in'to Life (whatever its 'color') ste20man!