Girlfriend - Her past versus the present.

[333xforever]

Please comment, I'd like to hear everyone's opinion. Whether positive or not. Please bear with me and read through(get's interesting). There is a lot of intelligent people on this forum, thus why I am posting here.

So I met my girlfriend about a year ago(still together). The more I found out about her past, the more I subconsciously hated her for it. This is nothing I can change. She said she used to do drugs, drink, party, the whole bit. These qualities I would never want in a woman(wouldn't even consider dating the type)
But here is the interesting part~
When I first met her, she had the typical piercings everywhere(only facial and belly), tattoos and makeup. I didn't even bother looking at her when we were introduced, nor did she seem attractive on any level. Once we started talking, there was a different feeling. Not the typical, super-special feeling, like in movies. It was a normal feeling(like something belonged).

Within a few weeks she got rid of her makeup and hasn't worn any since. A few months later, ALL of her piercings were gone. Currently in the process of removing tattoos. She stopped drinking. No drugs. No parties.

But as it turns out, she lied a few times about drugs and claimed it was depression. Her mother seemed to be on her side as "it runs through their family". Breaking up however, did not feel like I had a choice. The thought didn't even register. As if a universal force wouldn't let me.

As of then, she has been extremely truthful, honest and loyal(I hope...optimism). We went through a lot together(willing changes on her side) which makes it seem worth it. I should not judge her past, but the past makes the present.

[Q]. What should I do and what would you do?
I hate her past, but love her present; equilibrium situation.

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It is better to die on your feet, then to forever live on your knees~
Better to fight and fall than live without hope~
9 Noble Virtues~

I would not want to tell you what you should do, but I might be able to say something that is helpful. What you are feeling sounds like a block. Blocks often keep us from having a deeper connection with the other person. Blocks are usually removed by resolving conflict. A conflict can be between two people or a conflict can be within ourselves. It sometimes takes a lot of love to see a conflict through to it's resolution.

In order to grow we must continually move forward, leaving the past behind. If we hang onto the past we become stuck. In reality, all we really have is the present moment.

[333xforever]

Originally Posted by Manifesting29/11

I would not want to tell you what you should do, but I might be able to say something that is helpful. What you are feeling sounds like a block. Blocks often keep us from having a deeper connection with the other person. Blocks are usually removed by resolving conflict. A conflict can be between two people or a conflict can be within ourselves. It sometimes takes a lot of love to see a conflict through to it's resolution.

In order to grow we must continually move forward, leaving the past behind. If we hang onto the past we become stuck. In reality, all we really have is the present moment.

I am in love with her. Deep, pure love. I've talked to her about her past, but I still hate it.
The past makes an indented trail for the present. But in this situation the indents are gone, yet I still hate the past.
I see your point of view though, thank you.

[Theophila]

Hi, you have brought up a complicated issue.complicated as it touches many factors I believe that has you feeling this way.
As a human, by nature we all fear being hurt. It unfortunately has been ingrained in our psyches to avoid to bad boy/ bad girl from when we were young. We are chiseled in believing that people are what they are and don't change.
But as you know life is not black and white. This world is not heaven. It is like a jungle, and many people just had the unfortunate experience of falling down in the mud and getting dirty. Each individual's journey is different and some have experienced pain and hurdles for whatever reason in life. Of course there are some that live certain lifestyles cause it's just their thing. But many have fallen into it, even though deep down its not really their nature, but because of back round, personal issues fall into it but suffer and want to get out and change to be who they really feel they are.
As a man, there is the aspect of male ego, even thought men's level of acceptance of a woman's past behaviour vary from culture to culture, I believe deep down men have a primal fear of a woman who has had experiences and up until our modern society men had been programmed to want the least to almost no experienced female.
Plus, deep down a man usually likes to feel like he is the one bringing the experience to bed and the woman is learning and molding her sexuality around him and the idea that what she may be performing is just for him, but that she would preform it anywhere, can create resentment.
Having said all this, these are all fears, and cultural stigmas.
Just the fact, that she met you and you gave her light, hope, love...you may have given her the strong hand to help her out of her painful life.
Her change is huge and it sounds like you were a blessing to her,
And that she is making a genuine effort.
Life is complex, why each soul goes through what it goes through we don't know, the issue is yours. You have to understand yourself and try to figure out why you hate it so much. Is she worth it, is the joy you feel with her worth being with her.
I know some male friends of mine, that chose " conventional" good girls and are going through hell in their marriages. Why? Cause in the end it has to do with their soul not their experience or mistakes.
Just because a woman has had bad experiences doesn't necessarily mean they are bad souls....
I've known some nasty, spiteful, ungrateful " good girls"
So I don't judge.
And know one thing, a person, whether man or woman, who has fallen in the mud, has seen the darker side of life, knows the pain, and appreciates the good in life 1000 times more. They are more appreciative and grateful and usually will do their best not to lose it.
If , if she is showing this to you, appreciation, love and gratefulness. Know you are with a solid person.
If she is giving you genuine joy, then make an effort to let go of the hate.
You might have a more beautiful thing together than most who live by the " conventional "rules. Life is weird that way, the truer and more genuine the love , the more hurdles are there....
As a general rule, I do not put full trust in anyone, even myself as we all go through life we make mistakes but as long as someone is consistent and continually proves who they are I am fine.
I hope this helps a little, and I wish you the best...

[fennel]

I am curious...is there a large age or cultural difference between the two of you? Piercings are pretty common amongst younger folks these days...and although I am older, I have a tattoo myself. These things are not harbingers of "badness" in themselves. They're just ways to express one's self.

The thing that strikes me as perhaps being a bad sign is that she has clearly done a lot to mold to your standards- and while I think it's great that she stopped the drugs and partying, I wonder if she is trying to make herself into something she is not, in order to please you. Reading your post, it sounds as if you are trying to guide her, Pygmalion-like into your idea of what an ideal woman should be.

I do hope that you can let go of her past- if not, I think you should let her go. It is not fair to her that you should be judging her, you know? Particularly if this sober lifestyle sticks.

I wish you both the best.

[333xforever]

Originally Posted by Ishtar

Hi, you have brought up a complicated issue.complicated as it touches many factors I believe that has you feeling this way.
As a human, by nature we all fear being hurt. It unfortunately has been ingrained in our psyches to avoid to bad boy/ bad girl from when we were young. We are chiseled in believing that people are what they are and don't change.
But as you know life is not black and white. This world is not heaven. It is like a jungle, and many people just had the unfortunate experience of falling down in the mud and getting dirty. Each individual's journey is different and some have experienced pain and hurdles for whatever reason in life. Of course there are some that live certain lifestyles cause it's just their thing. But many have fallen into it, even though deep down its not really their nature, but because of back round, personal issues fall into it but suffer and want to get out and change to be who they really feel they are.
As a man, there is the aspect of male ego, even thought men's level of acceptance of a woman's past behaviour vary from culture to culture, I believe deep down men have a primal fear of a woman who has had experiences and up until our modern society men had been programmed to want the least to almost no experienced female.
Plus, deep down a man usually likes to feel like he is the one bringing the experience to bed and the woman is learning and molding her sexuality around him and the idea that what she may be performing is just for him, but that she would preform it anywhere, can create resentment.
Having said all this, these are all fears, and cultural stigmas.
Just the fact, that she met you and you gave her light, hope, love...you may have given her the strong hand to help her out of her painful life.
Her change is huge and it sounds like you were a blessing to her,
And that she is making a genuine effort.
Life is complex, why each soul goes through what it goes through we don't know, the issue is yours. You have to understand yourself and try to figure out why you hate it so much. Is she worth it, is the joy you feel with her worth being with her.
I know some male friends of mine, that chose " conventional" good girls and are going through hell in their marriages. Why? Cause in the end it has to do with their soul not their experience or mistakes.
Just because a woman has had bad experiences doesn't necessarily mean they are bad souls....
I've known some nasty, spiteful, ungrateful " good girls"
So I don't judge.
And know one thing, a person, whether man or woman, who has fallen in the mud, has seen the darker side of life, knows the pain, and appreciates the good in life 1000 times more. They are more appreciative and grateful and usually will do their best not to lose it.
If , if she is showing this to you, appreciation, love and gratefulness. Know you are with a solid person.
If she is giving you genuine joy, then make an effort to let go of the hate.
You might have a more beautiful thing together than most who live by the " conventional "rules. Life is weird that way, the truer and more genuine the love , the more hurdles are there....
As a general rule, I do not put full trust in anyone, even myself as we all go through life we make mistakes but as long as someone is consistent and continually proves who they are I am fine.
I hope this helps a little, and I wish you the best...

That made so much sense. Thank you! Was pleasant to read as well. You have very similar thoughts as me.

[333xforever]

Originally Posted by fennel

I am curious...is there a large age or cultural difference between the two of you? Piercings are pretty common amongst younger folks these days...and although I am older, I have a tattoo myself. These things are not harbingers of "badness" in themselves. They're just ways to express one's self.

The thing that strikes me as perhaps being a bad sign is that she has clearly done a lot to mold to your standards- and while I think it's great that she stopped the drugs and partying, I wonder if she is trying to make herself into something she is not, in order to please you. Reading your post, it sounds as if you are trying to guide her, Pygmalion-like into your idea of what an ideal woman should be.

I do hope that you can let go of her past- if not, I think you should let her go. It is not fair to her that you should be judging her, you know? Particularly if this sober lifestyle sticks.

I wish you both the best.

We are the same age and culture. I like how you say piercings are common these days. That's what teenagers want to hear, so they can use it as an excuse, haha. "Everyone else does it, so it must no be bad, but normal."
She is trying to mold into my standards, but not because I will leave her if she doesn't. But because she is learning that the natural and peaceful way to live and present yourself is much better. She used to have regular anxiety quakes, until I explained meditation to her which calmed her. She claimed she would still take everything into account that I taught her, if I ever did leave her. On this note, I believe she is genuinely changing.
I have let go of her past, but I know it is there and still hate it. This is what I'm trying to figure out.

[knightofalbion]

The heart cannot lie. You need no advice.

[fennel]

Originally Posted by 333xforever

We are the same age and culture. I like how you say piercings are common these days. That's what teenagers want to hear, so they can use it as an excuse, haha. "Everyone else does it, so it must no be bad, but normal."
She is trying to mold into my standards, but not because I will leave her if she doesn't. But because she is learning that the natural and peaceful way to live and present yourself is much better. She used to have regular anxiety quakes, until I explained meditation to her which calmed her. She claimed she would still take everything into account that I taught her, if I ever did leave her. On this note, I believe she is genuinely changing.
I have let go of her past, but I know it is there and still hate it. This is what I'm trying to figure out.

You clearly have not let go of her past, or you'd not be posting about it.

Piercings are common- and while I personally find them distracting if they are on one's face, I understand that many people enjoy them. Just because something is not your cup of tea does not mean it is wrong.

It sounds like a control issue. You are clearly able to "mold" her present, but you have no control over her past. To you, she now looks like a "normal" young woman, but you know her "abnormal" (LOL) past. Since you have extreme antipathy for the usual displays of self expression/fashion and partying, this knowledge of who she was fills you with loathing.

That's not hard to figure out. The hard part is how to get you past your antipathy of her past.

Would you consider visiting a counselor?

[Q]. What should I do and what would you do?
I hate her past, but love her present; equilibrium situation.

It reads like you are incredibly lucky to have her and don't want the responsibility to love her for herself. Do her a favor and let her go to someone who will.
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