Untitled for CEL

[soul.cimmerian]

Deer are so cute! I see their tracks outside my place sometimes but they're mostly at the neighbors'. I have a black rabbit hanging around close, I named him Chubby Bunny.

I'm sorry you have schizophrenia, that must be so hard to deal with. I was diagnosed with a couple of personality disorders, one of them is paranoid. Does paranoia go with schizophrenia sometimes? Sorry if I ask anything too personal you don't have to answer.

It was weird - last night a random person added me on skype and it was someone from the Netherlands, but I often wonder if it's my TF in disguise. He did that to me once on twitter, under a different name, and I only know for sure it was him because he referred to our phone call. That's where I fall short with the paranoia, it's hard to trust people.

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by soul.cimmerian

Deer are so cute! I see their tracks outside my place sometimes but they're mostly at the neighbors'. I have a black rabbit hanging around close, I named him Chubby Bunny.

I'm sorry you have schizophrenia, that must be so hard to deal with. I was diagnosed with a couple of personality disorders, one of them is paranoid. Does paranoia go with schizophrenia sometimes? Sorry if I ask anything too personal you don't have to answer.

It was weird - last night a random person added me on skype and it was someone from the Netherlands, but I often wonder if it's my TF in disguise. He did that to me once on twitter, under a different name, and I only know for sure it was him because he referred to our phone call. That's where I fall short with the paranoia, it's hard to trust people.

I love pizza!

One day someone came to fix my air conditioner, and there was a baby deer lieing in the bushes outside the door. It is kinda in a secluded spot! Turns out the mom had left it there while she went foraging. That is apparently something they do. I left it alone and the mom eventually came back for it!

well paranoia yeah my formal diagnosis is 'paranoid schizophrenia'. But I dunno, part of the diagnosis is we are supposed to be quite accomplished at lieing to make ourselves look better and that just doesn't sound like me. But whatever... the meds really do help lol!

it is ok to talk about this stuff I think, part of my quest to 'keep it real'. I desperately need help too, in not thinking I'm 'all that'.

I knew a girl with a black bunny once... both her sisters were soulmates of mine. Couldn't get a reading on her as she was too young at the time but always assumed she was too?

yeah just about anything sets me off immediately, between the schizophrenia (which for me is like a hyped-up version of seeing synchronicities everywhere and feeling compelled to react) and the feeling that everything is going to go wrong I have a rough time of it.

yeah i know about the paranoia, you never know if someone who is talking to you is your TF playing games or if they are someone who means you harm or if they are just some random person. It is taking a big chance, just to talk or maintain a conversation.... especially in an open place like this. It would be much more manageable if I could just keep my mouth shut!

[soul.cimmerian]

Wildlife can be so calming and grounding, I really need to get outside more!
I'm glad you have good medications, I know it can be hard to find ones that work long term.
Paranoia has ruined friendships of mine, and it definitely puts me on edge and feeling vulnerable. I know exactly what you mean about maintaining a conversation out in the open. How would I live without doing that though? It's just a question I ask myself, because I know it would be impossible.

[FallingLeaves]

I used to love being outside. Used to walk around in the woods a lot. But i associate that with a really rough time in my life so I don't much do it anymore... probably too 'chubby' to make it up hills any more anyway lol!

I've hardly been able to have friends at all. Always having to hide, so that you don't invoke all sorts of mean behavior from others, doesn't bode well for friendships.

[soul.cimmerian]

Originally Posted by FallingLeaves

I used to love being outside. Used to walk around in the woods a lot. But i associate that with a really rough time in my life so I don't much do it anymore... probably too 'chubby' to make it up hills any more anyway lol!

I've hardly been able to have friends at all. Always having to hide, so that you don't invoke all sorts of mean behavior from others, doesn't bode well for friendships.

Don't worry, FallingLeaves, my only friends for a while were pizza and cake. Now I'm finally starting to get my figure back after I started a new job this year. With every new opportunity it can bring perks like losing the chubby, lol. Just don't overdo it at first and hurt your back like I did in the summer.
Have a great day!

[soul.cimmerian]

I notice that every time I feel the connection strongly, yet drop the beliefs about it, things get spooky.
For example, last night I kept waking up feeling like a ghost was watching me. I heard door knobs in the apartment clicking, and I got up to check on them.
Then I had a dream that my TF was trying to open the front door, and then walked away. Very strange.
Oh and I'm pretty sure I could feel his anticipation for Valentine's Day, because it sure wasn't my feeling. Sheesh. lol
Did you pick up on anything?

[FallingLeaves]

I'm not really sensitive in that way. I usually don't pick up on psychic stuff unless someone tells me what to look for? I mean I sense it I guess because I can remember it when someone points it out, i just don't naturally relate to it the way you did with the doorknobs?

dAnd as far as dreaming about my TF I think it has happened all of twice in 30 years, and both times I just felt her presence didn't actually see her lol!

But maybe if you went on the dream board they'd tell you your dream meant your TF was thinking about reaching out to you but decided not to?

My TF seems as copacetic as usual. I didn't expect her to be really excited about valentines though, and for me it is just another day I can't see her anyway

but yeah it is oh so true that beliefs can be kind of like a comfort blanket too, they can muffle your sensitivities. Hm, I wonder if one of the reasons it is so hard to get rid of beliefs is that noone likes what happens if you aren't muffling your sensitivities?

[soul.cimmerian]

Originally Posted by soul.cimmerian

Red Cars Drive Faster; Red Robins' Sing Louder

(I Work, I Eat, I Sleep, I Study, I Wonder...)

Orange Tigers Bite Harder; Orange Sky Brings Thunder

(He Works, He Eats, He Sleeps, He Laughs, He Forgot...)

Golden Years Are Calmer, Golden Bridges Cross Water

(I Don't Know Him Anymore, He Never Really Knew Me...)

I thought I had made progress. I thought things were good. But now in my head, it has all gone up in smoke again. I can't believe how delusional I am. I am truly lost on what to do. After work I will mediate, and ask the universe for help healing again. That's all I've got. *sigh*