Confused and lonely

[OrbStarseed]

Hi so ever since I can remember, I've always had this deep sadness and loneliness and I think its because of the fact that I am from elsewhere other than this world - another dimension perhaps the 6th I only vaguely remember

Anyway, when I was 19 I had a mega "breakdown" at this place where I worked - I remember sitting inside a bin, crying and expressing that I don't know who I am or why I am here!!
This guy of 23 heard my pleas and came to comfort me and shortly afterward, our relationship began - He is openly gay and I am if I'm honest, programmed to want to be straight. But I am also gay, to a certain degree...

Anyway we have been in a relationship on and off (mostly on) for 10 years now!
He wants a full blown committed relationship whereas I have always viewed our relationship as a deep friendship (with extras ;))

Its gone around and around in cycles like this, where we will get on great and do great things together and have fun and enjoy life, and then I will think "holy **** this isn't what I want" I only love him as a friend and not much more

I am not sexually or romantically attracted to him at all - But I DO love our friendship

So basically, I keep feeling unhappy when we are together because our relationship is not mutually loving. But then when I get on my own again, I feel deeply lonely and miss him and want to get back with him again

I'm terribly confused and have been for many years now

Am I simply in need of "someone" and need to let go and allow the "right" person to come along? Am I only clinging onto this un-mutual relationship because I feel so lonely and need "someone" or could it be that we are "meant" to be together and perhaps I need to try to make it work somehow??

I have asked myself this (and my higher self) many times but never get a clear answer

So confused, sad and lonely

Any advise or opinion on this greatly welcome :)

Thanks