Spiritual Forums

Home


Donate!


Articles


CHAT!


Shop


 
Welcome to Spiritual Forums!.

We created this community for people from all backgrounds to discuss Spiritual, Paranormal, Metaphysical, Philosophical, Supernatural, and Esoteric subjects. From Astral Projection to Zen, all topics are welcome. We hope you enjoy your visits.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest, which gives you limited access to most discussions and articles. By joining our free community you will be able to post messages, communicate privately with other members (PM), respond to polls, upload your own photos, and gain access to our Chat Rooms, Registration is fast, simple, and free, so please, join our community today! !

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, check our FAQs before contacting support. Please read our forum rules, since they are enforced by our volunteer staff. This will help you avoid any infractions and issues.

Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 18-08-2014, 10:32 AM
firyfairy
Posts: n/a
 
Unhappy Please help me figure this out

Hi everyone,

I'm quite new to the spiritual world, but I've always tried to keep myself in harmony with the Universe.

I wanted to ask you to help me with a relationship. Here goes a long, totally crazy story:

Me and my best friend/love-of-my-life have this deep connection. I don't know if he is the twin flame or whatever, but we just think alike, act alike and have the same tastes and preferences in 90% of the time. Even when we haven't seen each other for a long time. You know, a kind of harmony of souls. The other 10% of the time, we are almost opposite. The trouble is that we hadn't honestly spoken about our feelings towards each other until very recently.

To make it even more complicated, he once said he was asexual. So, we can't really be in "standard" relationship. I don't have a problem with that. However, in the past, at the very beginning, it seems that he thought we were together (according to his view of a relationship). I didn't think so and I was very insecure. I wanted the "status" of a girlfriend. We never talked about it. I was constantly wondering if it was a relationship or friendship. Finally, I decided that it was friendship and that it's better for my health to just find someone else. Not because of the lack of sex, but because of the fact that we didn't discuss what we were and it was driving me crazy. When I got a "boyfriend', I kept the relationship with my best friend the way it was. I couldn't give it up and I was fooling myself that we were just friends. I didn't tell him that I had someone else. I just felt uncomfortable talking to someone I still had feelings for about someone else. He found out a bit later on, by accident.

So, this went on for a few years. I was in a relationship with 2 different people, from my point of view.

I thought that, if my best friend didn't just leave the moment he found out I had a boyfriend, then he didn't care at all. However, at one point he just snapped. He told me he was depressed, because someone had lied to and cheated on him, but didn't want to tell me who that was. Every time I wanted to see him he thought of reasons why he couldn't. Well, I didn't read these signs. I didn't think all that could be related to me.

Fast forward another year, me and best frined had grown somewhat apart. I still loved him, but had buried that deep inside and had transformed the love into love for a friend. One day, my "actual" boyfriend asked me to move in. And that was when I snapped. I felt nauseous when I thought about moving in. It was so strong that my body reacted. And so, I started analyzing why I felt that way. I realized that I didn't really love my boyfriend, not because he was a bad person, though he wasn't a match for me either, but because I still had feelings for my best friend. That question "Were we or were we not in a relationship?" was still hanging in the air. I hadn't really let go. At the same time, me and best friend had another of our long conversations on the phone and I just realized that I would never move on until I find out what had been going on between us.

So, I left the boyfriend and I decided that I was going to find out. I was quite certain he would say we were just friends and we would laugh about it. But when best friends have grown apart, they rekindle their relationship in a matter of weeks. I know that, because I've got other such people in my life. But that was not what happened. He was cold, distant and even hostile at moments. One day I found out that his heart was broken and he had trouble moving on and so on. I still thought it couldn't be about me. However, he kept pushing me away. He never allowed me to get so close to him as we were at the beginning. This made me believe that I could be the one who disappointed him. Instead of talking to him, I decided that I would show him how I felt and I just did whatever I felt like doing for him, making him feel special and all. I now realize that was a mistake. All the time, there was an enormous wall between us. You could almost feel it. I hope that you guys do understand what I mean.

Now, a few weeks ago, I found out (by accident, ironically) that he had someone. And so, I finally asked the question: "What am I to you?". He said "We're just friends , have been so for the past couple of years. Before that, I don't remember." I reminded him of the things we did when we were in the "Are we or are we not together zone?" and he said that he didn't remember and it meant nothing. So, I decided I would accept that and now I'm acting like a friend. He said he was okay and, as soon as I could get over this, we would be friends. Well, it doesn't feel like he is okay. The look in his eyes, the mood, his attitude, the overall feeling in the room. They don't match what he says and he keeps pushing me away. And, call me crazy, I just know it's because *he*'s the one who needs time, but he keeps saying that he's keeping the distance *because of me*. I don't act like I have a problem, believe me.

I am letting him go now. But I don't think that he is ready to let me go. We will be in each other's lives. It's just that we can't be really apart. Time and distance don't seem to make a difference in our case. We can't seem to give up on each other. I've accepted the fact that, no matter what, he wants to be friends. However, I'm worried that he's lying to me and this will ruin our relationship. I'm worried that he is the one who needs time and, by lying to me, he's making me act like a best friend and this will hurt him even more. We're stuck in this endless circle. I just don't know what to do. He didn't want me to explain why I left. He didn't let me apologize. I'm worried that this will keep harming us both and I want to make peace. I don't want to get back together, just to clear out the bad karma and end this in peace and love (not assuming romance). What can I do? I'm currently reading prayers for clearing out the karma, but we keep going back and forth.

If you've read this far, THANK YOU!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 18-08-2014, 11:40 AM
AmarenLux AmarenLux is offline
Experiencer
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 287
  AmarenLux's Avatar
Hi

We are complex beings with so many layers and I think you both need some soul cleansing, one thing is for sure your both hurting inside, he is clearly struggling with his emotions, possibly struggling to understand himself and what happened, and what needs to be shown is a little bit of understand, patience and time, if he is not ready to move on you will have to show understanding and patience and time. The best way to deal with negative energy is to cleanse yourself first, and then those around you and you will find the positive energy will come.

NightCat
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 18-08-2014, 12:35 PM
Lorelyen
Posts: n/a
 
It's sometimes very difficult to let go...when you've shared a lot with someone. But people change - every moment of our days brings new experiences that may be very small - they may be large, but the small ones increment and we change. Reliving the pleasant memories in mind doesn't mean you can relive them actually. In fact the intervening divergence suggests you'll never be those same people. You can go to the same places again etc but the experience beyond reminiscence will be different.

Is it not possible just to be friends? Make no more demands of each other? He seems not to want to let go...neither do you, so you'll have to face the pains of that. But deciding you're friends and in non-emotional ways could support each other if needed would seem a way forward.

Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 18-08-2014, 01:43 PM
firyfairy
Posts: n/a
 
Thank you guys for chiming in!

Quote:
Originally Posted by NightCat
We are complex beings with so many layers and I think you both need some soul cleansing, one thing is for sure your both hurting inside, he is clearly struggling with his emotions, possibly struggling to understand himself and what happened, and what needs to be shown is a little bit of understand, patience and time, if he is not ready to move on you will have to show understanding and patience and time. The best way to deal with negative energy is to cleanse yourself first, and then those around you and you will find the positive energy will come.

NightCat

I'm barely keeping myself from reacting, but I know that you are right and I know that I just need to give him time and space and I'm trying to understand what's he's gone through. He's not trying to understand me, but I'm not angry about it. I'm trying to handle the situation with love and patience. Could you propose some actual ways to cleanse my soul? I mean, is there something I could read or do? Thank you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorelyen

It's sometimes very difficult to let go...when you've shared a lot with someone. But people change - every moment of our days brings new experiences that may be very small - they may be large, but the small ones increment and we change. Reliving the pleasant memories in mind doesn't mean you can relive them actually. In fact the intervening divergence suggests you'll never be those same people. You can go to the same places again etc but the experience beyond reminiscence will be different.

Is it not possible just to be friends? Make no more demands of each other? He seems not to want to let go...neither do you, so you'll have to face the pains of that. But deciding you're friends and in non-emotional ways could support each other if needed would seem a way forward.


I understand this very well. Although a part of me wishes that I could go back in time and just change everything, I do realize that the past stays in the past. The problem is that I really feel like we need to talk about this honestly and I feel like he needs to let his anger and frustration out. I do want to be friends. He is one of the closest people to me. This won't change. We both don't want this to change. But we can't be close if he keeps the negative emotions inside of him and we keep running in this vicious circle. I'm worried about him, not about me and I somehow want to help him. This is wearing us out and it just has to stop. I, myself, am willing to accept any turn of events, as long as it's closure. This is what I need.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 18-08-2014, 06:51 PM
Ascension Ascension is offline
Master
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: In Life
Posts: 1,036
  Ascension's Avatar
You should then talk to him about it .
__________________
The truth is , there is no words to define it .
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 18-08-2014, 08:14 PM
firyfairy
Posts: n/a
 
Thank you, Ascension. I was just thinking that I have to ask him to just listen to me and explain everything. I will ask for forgiveness and make peace. I'm scared that I might be pushing him too far. I will make one last try to get this out of the way.

Thank you all for your support!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 19-08-2014, 10:02 PM
starsaligned
Posts: n/a
 
I can tell you that I went through almost the exact situation. I had a BEST FRIEND for 5 years. We were very close, we did everything together. It was obvious that he had feelings for me and I felt the same. For four years I tried my best to just be his friend, watching him date countless women. It was heart wrenching. I finally told him at the 4 year point that I could no longer watch him date other women and that I had to walk away. It broke his heart. He contacted me a few months later and I told him I couldn't be his friend and that I wanted a relationship. So FINALLY he said we will try. For one whole year we went back and forth; he would say he loved me, I was the one for him, I was amazing, etc., and then he'd say "I don't know what I want" and we'd break up. With in 30 days he'd be back and we'd start all over again. He has a fear of commitment. He said he knew that if he dated me then that meant eventually we would get married and he wasn't ready for that. He would rather date girls and have no pressure. I got my heart broken time and time again and it got me no where. I had to walk away one final time. Yes, I lost my best friend, but it's not worth the heart ache. You need to think about what you will be doing to your soul if you choose to be just friends with this guy. If it will hurt in any way, don't do it. I spent five years going through that...
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 20-08-2014, 08:06 AM
firyfairy
Posts: n/a
 
starsaligned, Thanks for sharing your story.

But would you not say that the final attempt to actually be together and be in a relationship helped you reach closure? That was what I wanted all along. It doesn't sound like you were blaming him for the way that you felt during the 4 years. You were hurting, but you didn't blame him.

I'm somehow on the other side of the fence, being the friend who walked away and started dating first. Now he's blaming me for the way that he felt and I wasn't aware that he felt anything. I blamed him for not making a move on me back then. I just want to explain to him why I think none of us is to blame and to end this in peace.

It's going to be hard to be friends. It already is. Looking on the bright side, this will help me learn to really accept the things I cannot change.

I hope that you will find someone who is really right for you, someone who will only make you feel happy, who will appreciate you and you'll have that amazing connection of souls.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 20-08-2014, 08:29 AM
Flear
Posts: n/a
 
this is where my mind went when i read the start,...
i reread the original post in it's entirety afterwards and while this post isn't quite what the OP is asking, it's just close enough to identify with as related

so one way to see what could be if things continued, or were closer and ... you'd be at the same place now, only the feelings would be many times stronger

---

holding onto a relationship will create anger, bitterness and resentment

letting a relationship go before such negative feelings take over the relationship, you can still salvage love, compassion, friendship, ... it's just no longer a close intimate relationship.

things change at one time you two were perefect for each other for where each of you in your life, ... but as has been mentioned, we change & grow, if our relationship does not adapt, it's then holding onto things that are long past, the relationship gets sick, it's not allowed to breath, it's not maintained with love, it's now maintained with the past, obligation, duty, but no passion, no love, a commitment of a promise when you were, as you were before, not as you are now.

---

please forget things & terms like "twin souls", these are madeup terms that glorify imagination, but have no purpose in reality, ... the best you can do for a relationship is to meet and fall in love with yourself, two incarnations of your higher self, who's incarnations are back-to-back, living together.

kinda strange way to look at things, ... but even then the progress of the soul from one life to the next, there is growth and development, to limit that so that one life can be happy with the next/previous life and think things are going to last, is insanely complicated beyond belief as you have to see both time changing to allow 2 lives to match up constantly, and the soul growing in both lives to reflect each individual life, ... a kind of exponential & zero growth all at the same time, ... be like watching the same repeat movie endlessly and enjoying it for 80 years, you know, so you can do it all over again with the next life.

---

anyway, forget the twin soul **, it's fairytale imagination that has no bearing on reality.

you met someone that seemed so much your twin in all ways it bordered on fantastic impossibility, ... yet things grew, and changed.

one person wants to move on
one person wants to hold on.
one wants to work on things
one wants to move on
one wants to go back to what it was like before
one wants to move on.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 21-08-2014, 10:49 AM
firyfairy
Posts: n/a
 
Thanks, Flear.

Maybe I didn't explain this very well, but I am willing to let go. I don't want to, but I accept the fact that I have to. I just don't want any resentment and frustration to stand between us, since he said that he wanted to be friends. I just want to make peace, that's all.

We'd never be at the same place, but we could be at new places and do things that we never got the chance to do, if he wanted that.

Yes, I get your point about living in the past and imagining that things are what they used to be. Maybe we have the potential to be close, maybe we changed and we don't. As long as there are any walls built from fear, anger, frustration, jealousy and so on, I don't think we can be anything - not friends, not lovers. And he's saying that he wants to be friends and we keep seeing each other and everything seems to be okay, but it isn't. And it isn't okay for him and this is going to just create more bitterness and one day we'll part as enemies. And this is sad.

I can see you've got a totally different take on twin souls, but it's not quite the opposite of what I had in mind. I didn't mean to say that you have to be stuck with one single person for all eternity. As you said, this makes no sense. Your twin soul, as I read, is someone who is "actually the other half of you" and you meet only once, ever, in all lives. And you meet to teach each other a very important lesson, not always to be together as a couple. Whatever, let's not put tags on it. It doesn't make any difference.

I just believe that everything happens for a reason: The people that you meet, the situations that you find yourself in. And the only reason that anything ever happens is to teach us a lesson and make us more complete. So, I'm trying to figure out why this happened to me and how I can benefit and grow from the situation.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:07 AM.


Powered by vBulletin
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) Spiritual Forums