confused and completely out of place

hello everyone,

i didn't know where exactly to put this but i hope i will get some help anyway.
i want to get all of this off my chest now and here because i feel so helpless and lost, my thoughts and feelings are all over the place.
i am 20years young, female, a vegan, do yoga, love animals, love nature especially the beach and mountains.
i also speak almost seven languages, i go to university to become a language teacher and i have no "offline" social network except for my mum, sis, and grandpa.
i have absolutely and completely no clue where my life is going, i do not ever want to become a teacher for middle school or a school per se or maybe just a teacher in general like what the majority of people think of as what a teacher is, i do not want to rot my life away. i'm so young and though there are these few things i like to do, i have no passion and i'm starting to go insane trying to find it and finally doing what i LOVE to do, be who i'm supposed to be, be where i WANT to be, have people who love me around me and really want to be around me a lot, not worry about money and finances and death and just be and love and free. i especially want to get the hell out of this country and live somewhere where people are human and nice and friendly and where the country is so beautiful and where i feel welcome and at peace.
me being so lost and confused has gotten to a point where i've become so disrespectful and rude and childish and so obnoxious and jealous and so verbally hurtful and just my behaviour overall is horrible as of right now. it's horrible, that's not who i am and that's most definitely not who i want to be.
i've always had such a difficult time making friends, even in kindergarden i'd either sit somewhere alone or hang out with my favourite kindergarden woman.
i'm getting financial support from the government to pay off my rent and monthly expenses for food etc, i have finally found my part time job and got my first pay check a week ago which was really a nice accomplishment because i felt a sense of independence. my family has always struggled with money. i want to travel and see the world, i LOVE traveling but i do not have the money to do it as often as i need and want to.
i don't know what i want to do for a living, or as a profession or whatever the heck people want to call it. what is there that i could really do and enjoy to do and do for a long time. i tend to get bored easily and just drop this and drop that when it no longer holds my interests.
one thing i have always wanted since i was a child was to get married at the age i am now. i don't need people tell me i'm too young or need to date more and "test out men" and give my virginity to anyone out there. it's my choice and i feel like now is just the right time and i feel ready and i know it makes me sound so desperate but it's something i desire so badly. (i don't have someone who wants to marry me.)
so i'm pretty clueless and i've also become a bit aggressive just all over and i hate the town i moved to for university. the thing is if i dropped out, what would a suitable alternative be? if i drop out, then decide to go back to a uni again the government will not support me anymore and studying itself is sort of like a full time job.
i just feel completely out of place and have become really depressed and just don't know what to do anymore.
i hope one of you can help me and give me tips, suggest something, push me a little, help me up because just "listening to myself and my body" doesn't cut it anymore.
english is not my mother tongue, turkish is and i live in southern germany if anyone should want to know. thanks for reading.
positive vibes along your way

[John32241]

Hello,

I would encourage "listening to myself and my body" as you said. I have a friend your age that thinks and feels exactly the same way you do. We have many conversations about being patient and allowing your life to unfold for you.

I do encourage all these dreams and aspirations. However I am also a practical guy that has learned how to incorporate spiritual aspirations into my physical reality.

Only by listening to yourself and what I call your innate body awareness can you bring into physical manifestation these things you know are necessary for you. All I can suggest is to avoid getting discouraged. Trust in yourself and who you are enough to find the guidance from within the self to manifest these things.

Feel the energy from that first pay check. Let those accomplishments build a path for you.

John

[Clover]

Have you tried studying abroad?

Make a goal to save up money and travel or go and live elsewhere. Making a goal and a plan will motivate you to push ahead. Your very smart and talented and your not married yet, so your possibilities are endless right now. You have the world world in the palm of your hands, explore it!

thank you john, for your answer. discouraged i am, a lot. i'll try to practice it.

thank you as well blueclover. the thing is, i don't really want to study what i am studying and become a teacher, i don't even know if i still want to study at all. if i knew what i truly wanted i don't think i would be sitting around contemplating… but you're right, i technically do have so many possibilities. i don't really have any specific plans, just vague ideas of where i would like to be.

i guess at the end of the day it still comes down to myself and me being alone with all of this again, but i'll try to work on it. i don't know how and with this amount of discouragement it's really difficult to even get out of bed in the mornings but i don't want to exist like this either.

much light and kindness

[bird*]

What about being a flight attendant? Since you're young, have no attachments, and speak different languages, and you want to travel, that might be a good fit. I was a flight attendant for a couple of years, but it got to be a little too stressful. I wasn't doing yoga then, though, so I didn't have a healthy routine. I never dated any guys when I was in school, either. I was very shy; however, right off the bat, when I started flying, I became involved with a couple of pilots. (; It's actually a great job, if you're looking to sow your wild oats, because you can (to put it bluntly) sleep around a lot. And it's not uncommon for pilots and flight attendants to get married. Something to think about, maybe!

[tmsmem]

I also believe that you being able to speak so many languages will work in your favor somehow. That is a skill that is needed everywhere, and not everyone has that skill...So I am positive that a great place will need you. Just keep looking and don't give up.
The only other thing I can say is this. Your life will unfold the way it is meant to be, just enjoy the ride and enjoy being young. And I think since you want to be married, that will happen too, at the right time.

[Lisbet]

Have you considered being a translator? My sister wanted to do this. She learned Tibetan so she could be a translator for traveling Buddhist teachers from Tibet. But then she had the choice of that and settle down and get married. She chose the latter. She teaches English where she stayed instead.

But with translating, it seems you can pick the niche that really calls to you. If you want to follow a spiritual teacher, that would be a great opportunity to see the world and learn to be at peace with yourself. But you should not jump into marriage right away if you choose a path like that with so much traveling. Maybe if you travel you can meet someone who has a similar lifestyle eventually.

[joyfirst]

Originally Posted by consciousflaw

live somewhere where people are human and nice and friendly and where the country is so beautiful and where i feel welcome and at peace.

Peace and happiness is not a place, it is a state, a way of being, being connected to your inner being. I can promise you, you won't find perfect country or perfect people. When you don't need others to change, so you can be happy, then you are free. Here is what Abraham Hicks says:
"Every person on the planet has the potential of thrilling you beyond description- or causing you despair beyond description. It just depends on which part of them is most active in YOU. "
That said, of course it is easier to be in your center, then others around you are. But that is a very dependent way to live. And you wont attract many situations with centered people until you are centered a lot yourself.

thank you everyone for your answers and inspirations.

i did consider becoming a flight attendant but i've also been thinking about finishing uni first or at least change what i want to study. and i'm not interested in sleeping around and make myself available like that for everyone who could get between my legs; as i said i want to get married and that is for a good reason.

as of lately i've been thinking positive and repeating positive affirmations so i'm doing a little better. i still don't know what exactly i really want to do but i will figure it out and i thank you all for offering me suggestions.

good vibes everyone's way.

I felt like this for decades.

What finally shifted it for me was to understand who I was at soul level and what my true purpose was, and then to focus on that.

I am not here to do anything "normal" or "in the box" and I believe that may be true for you :-)

Some of us come here not fitting in with the regular path many people take, we will just not be satisfied with that.

You are a highly intuitive person with a very specialized set of gifts that you are here to give to help the planet. You are here to be a pioneer in some way, to blaze your own trail to to help others along the way. I do get the energy of "teacher" from you, but not in any traditional sense (public schools, etc.). It seems like it's teaching something unusual that you are still learning yourself.

You are caught in negativity right now due to frustration about not finding your way yet, confusion about who you are, carrying other people's energies as your own, collective consciousness that you are very sensitive to, and negative energies that are working against you.

That is not who you are. You can make the decision to find out who you are and what you are here to do, and ask the Universe to send those you need to help you. Don't waste your gifts and don't spend too much time bitter...you have to much to do and experience here. I understand.