Live with honor but alone, or with lies but together?

Hi, my name is Koray, i wanna talk about how do you choose your friends.

In my way of thinking, friends are supposed to be your supporters in every issue, school, family, job, etc... But there is something wrong with friendship in my country i believe. My boyfriend is scared of telling his friends that he is gay, my friends know me. I tell him "Friends supposed to help you, not threaten." He lives a lifestyle in fear, fear of revealing the truth of he is gay. I have always been open to my friends and family and it didn't cause any big problem. What is the deal?

Maybe the reason i don't fear of losing friend is, i always used to lose them anyway due to my parents job, we used to change city every 2-3 years.(I still talk them via facebook though.) But still i don't understand why people create this kind of friendships, based on lie. Most of them are for benefits, here. I know if you have job that makes you need a lot of friends, but it's not like that actually. I don't make fake friendships, becasue they hurt me and they exploit myself in time.

So what do you think about friendships? Are you ready to lose yourfriends in the sacrifice of true life? Or Would you prefer a friendship based on lie and benefits...

[Nameless]

Hi Koray, and welcome to the forums!

From an outsiders point of view I'll give you my 2 cents and you can disregard it at it's just my opinion.

I'm assuming from your post that you are in a gay relationship, and your partner isn't out of the closet? That is a deeper issue than if it is just a friend of yours, and you are out and they are not. So, my response to both, as far as any outing goes, is that person needs to decide that for themselves, whatever relationship they are in.

As a friend, you could support your friend by understanding that, for him, it maybe very difficult to share that with family and friends, much less co-workers. I am sure there is an emotional process as well. Your job is to accept your friends right to share or not share with whomever. That is what being a true friend is. It is not lying on their part, even though it might feel like it to you, it is a personal choice of who they want to tell or not and your goal is to understand that and be compassionate.

If it is your partner, then you have a choice too. You can live with it, that they are not out, and as long as the two of you are happy, who cares what anyone else thinks anyway? So if you don't care what anyone else thinks (which is a good place to start) recognize that your partner does care what that other person thinks, and hasn't got to that place yet. It is a process, and you can respect that.

Not everybody has to know everyone's business, is my 2 cents. And it is within your rights to live a life totally out of the closet, because it is noone else's business and you get to live the lift you want as well.

But in either case, your friend has a right to be in the closet and you can't make that choice for him.

Try and reach for understanding. It is certainly not a lie, it is a lifestyle choice. You have to realize he may never be ready, depending on his culture, and that has to be okay or this relationship might not work for you. It may take him a few more years, depending on how old he is - you never said. If he is 21, it may take him five years to get independent enough within himself not to care what others think, he may never get there. So that depends on how much you love him, as well as how much you value your freedom to be who you are as well.

I definitely would suggest you let it alone and don't harp on it with him, because that just causes more resistance in him. If you love him, you might let it be.. If you can't, it might be better to let him go. He doesn't need friends who don't understand and think he is *less than* he should be because he is not ready to tell the world something that is really none of their business to begin with. But that is his right and his journey. And you have yours as well.

You don't have to live in the closet, if you can't stand to. But you probably will have to let him go if you want that right now. You have to be true to who you are as well as respect where he is.

Tough decision. I'm sure it will work out for you both, whatever you decide.

I find that financials tend to have something to do with it. If it is a parent he can't tell, because they are supporting him financially somehow, or a job, because they are paying him his wages, those are the most difficult situations. Because they can be perceived by him as cutting off the source of finances. If there is no finances in the way, it tends to be much easier I would think.

Thanks for reply Nameless.

He is 25 and i am 23. I understand that i must respect that if he isn't ready to get out of closet but it was the same feeling when i wasn't out of closet. (i think this term means being open to society?) But i can help him by telling him the steps to get out of closet, becasue i made these steps by myself!

I know nobody has to know about us since we love each other but the issue isn't that basic. I'm bored of this kind of relationship, hiding in his life like i am a bad person, can't go to bars, cinemas etc like a real couple, can't know about his friends... I feel like i am being fooled becasue he never tries. He says he is happy when he is with me and it's enough for him. But it's not enough for me becasue there are more! I tasted the freedom of living as gay and he must know too! I'm trying to make an impulse in his life, but it's like he doesn't care! He is 25 and he has to live his youth life or it will be too late...

The irony is that i am addicted to my family with financal needs but he is not. But i am brave enough to be open and he is not! My parents are no more open-minded than his parents! It's just a challange you have to face! He always delays it. Even think he doesn't need to.

Well, i think i forgot the origin subject, it is a problem for me... May be he is changing inside him somehow but i'm not seeing it. I worry it will happen after i leave him. I don't know, there are better people i can live my life however i want out there and i'm not gonna spend my youth ages with someone who i can not co-operate.

I am a tough person, and the life is so.

[Nameless]

I believe you must live your life for yourself first, and then for your loved ones. I have been married over 30 years, and have just come to this conclusion in the last 3 years or so....you can never really be happy with yourself if you are putting someone else's happiness before yours...

Maybe it is a tough lesson....

[joyfirst]

Originally Posted by KoSeKu

But i can help him by telling him the steps to get out of closet, becasue i made these steps by myself!

You can't help anyone, who is not to the brink of getting there. If you try to forcefully help, it will make them even more resistant.
You said, you can't know his friends. Is it because he is afraid, they will see, that you are a couple in some way?
I think, it is time for you to leave. You want to live your freedom. And he -his freedom to choose to be afraid. Neither of you is wrong or right, just different.

[joyfirst]

Originally Posted by Nameless

.you can never really be happy with yourself if you are putting someone else's happiness before yours...

Maybe it is a tough lesson....

Absolutely! And the funny thing is, that your partner might be thinking the same...We want to make others happy, but the only person who can make us truly happy is ourselves. Not just that others can't change our thoughts and attitude, but also, nobody else knows as as well as we ourselves.

Originally Posted by Nameless

I believe you must live your life for yourself first, and then for your loved ones. I have been married over 30 years, and have just come to this conclusion in the last 3 years or so....you can never really be happy with yourself if you are putting someone else's happiness before yours...

Maybe it is a tough lesson....

Thanks for sharing your experience, it is a good point i must keep in mind.