There must be something wrong with me...

[ForeverRestless]

To be fair, lately I am in personal crisis. I don't see anything in my life to look forward to. Everything is as it was in the past and, unless I make a drastic change in my life (such as moving to a new country, changing careers, having a child, pouring myself obsessively into a new hobby, etc.), it seems like everything will carry on in more or less that same routine forever. I've been trying to accept that this is all life is, it won't get better, it won't change. You have to learn to find the beauty in the everyday, you know? I guess walking out and seeing a sunset is supposed to make the mundanity of life worth living. Or having a dog curl up beside you, or seeing your lover's smile, or remembering that you have a holiday coming up in a few weeks, or getting some praise from your boss at work (though even that is fleeting, and there will always be another future failure, another future requirement to prove oneself; nothing good ever lasts).

I am 32, and I spent the first 30 years of my life barreling ahead, looking forward to my future and things yet to unfold--the next phase of life (college, post-college, etc.), advancing in my career, meeting the man I would marry, etc. At this point, I don't know where to go with my career (it's been stagnating for about five years, and advancing it would require me taking my work in an entirely new direction), and that whole fantasy of meeting the ideal man kind of threw me to the ground and stomped all over me.

I was 29 when I took a 16-day vacation abroad, by myself, with a blank canvas of possibility laid out before me. There was no goal except to discover more about myself, to see more of the world, to feel the thrill of living, and I really felt so much younger then than I do now. So much less jaded. I was extremely open and go-with-the-flow then, on a much higher vibration, hopeful and anticipatory about my future. That's when I met my Twin Flame by chance. That's when my whole life changed in mere days.

I cannot characterize being with him in any other way: This was completion. This was the dream. This was the THING that antsy me had been holding out for, inexplicably searching for, my entire life. I was whole. I was home. I was free. He felt the same way, and said so emphatically in his own ways (mostly describing the feelings of complete acceptance, freedom and being understood). We were in the bubble of unconditional love, and it couldn't last forever... I took my return flight home, and we cobbled together an unanticipated long-distance relationship as we continued to talk about our fears and dreams and darkest secrets all day when we were supposed to be working. We discussed seeing each other again, but no plane tickets were purchased, partly because I would not pull the trigger without him giving me the green light 100 percent. Granted, TF and I were both reticent about what forging forward in a future together would entail, and both hesitated to actually go for it for many reasons. I know that I felt insecure and fearful that I would not measure up to his expectations. I know that he felt extraordinarily exposed and embarrassed after opening up to me far more than I opened up to him, telling me dark things from his past that made him feel ashamed. In the end, I think, he felt purged of these things from his past from speaking them to me, and then wished to distance himself from bad feelings and memories that he no longer wanted to identify with. And I, as a reminder of all those talks and confessions, perhaps needed to be purged along with it. Or, perhaps, he was just hyper-aware of how unattractive he seemed throughout this confessions, and was likewise fearful and insecure (maybe he thought I wanted or deserved a better-adjusted man, a man who did not burden me with his issues, a man who could afford to visit me or could support me if I moved to his country, a man who felt confident about upholding all promises), or maybe he really did "flip the switch" emotionally and stop caring for me, even after all the love between us. All I know is he distanced himself, and it made me feel utterly rejected, and I sheepishly, spinelessly accepted my fate, and essentially told him I understood why he was leaving me (believing I did not deserve a love like that, did not deserve him, was not good enough, etc.). When I distanced myself too, he accepted it, either because he really wanted out, or because he thought I was "better off" without him.

It was nearly two years before we spoke again, and it was the most painful, gut-wrenching time of my life (read my past posts on this forum to get a glimpse into that period of time). I cried every day and still do sometimes. That is to say my eyes well up with tears when I think of a memory involving him; it pangs my heart space like nothing else in my life ever has. "Moving on," and trying to return to normal life again was a near impossibility. Eventually it became so embarrassing to talk to my friends about how I was still in love with this man from my past; it's like I was holding myself back from moving on, and I could do so if I just made the effort. Or so society tells us. So I did my best. I began dating a new man who delighted me in simple ways, took me out on good dates, and reminded me to have fun with my life. I focused on the good things rather than the bad, and I held on tight, hoping this new relationship would be the vehicle to carry me out of the despair that I'd kept myself immersed in for far too long.

My new man is good for me. I read through a list last night of all the men I've ever kissed. 55 men. Most of them I dated for a time, and I pondered those relationships and flings, how they transpired, how the guys behaved, how compatible or incompatible we were. I'm well aware that if you weigh all the pros and cons, my current man is the best catch of them all. So many men from my past did not understand me or mesh with me well. Or maybe I was not physically attracted enough to them to go the long haul. Or maybe they were emotionally closed off to me and impossible to connect with, or unwilling to commit. Or maybe they were fascinating people but narcissists who took more than they gave. Maybe they were impressively smart or cultured, but were horribly snobbish about it (and no one wants that). Or maybe their lives were too disastrous and dysfunctional to be ready for a real relationship. My current man is the best of the pros and cons. After 31 years of dating hundreds of men, 55 of whom I kissed, I pretty much figured out what the options are, and my boyfriend comes out on top... if you eliminate my Twin Flame.

The further along I get in this relationship (I've been with him 1.5 years now), the more the initial passion dies, and the more I realize things about him bother me or annoy me. The more I become hyper-aware of his "inadequacies." Do I focus on these things because I do not adequately love myself? More than likely. But I also am having a more and more difficult time to keep from comparing him to my Twin Flame. Those of you here who have met your TF understand the feeling and I don't have to explain it; that feeling of fitting together perfectly like two puzzle pieces, you and your TF being made for each other in the stars. I think about him all the time... the conversations we had (deep and philosophical and late into the night), the intellectual and cultural topics, the way we unfurled for each other emotionally, the way we touched each other sexually, the precision and fastidiousness in both of our manners, the glimpse of heaven I saw in his eyes.

The most important difference between my boyfriend and my Twin Flame is that my current boyfriend is a man who showed up for me. He was willing to commit, dedicated to loving me and being by my side and doing whatever it takes, and my Twin Flame wasn't. He abandoned the effort at the first sign of distress. A man can be your perfect counterpart, but if he isn't showing up for you, what's the use? TF is still in a relationship with the woman he began dating two months after we separated, and while I don't know much about their coupling, I have to assume he wouldn't have stayed with her if it did not fulfill him. And likewise, I'm trying to focus on the good and what my boyfriend offers me, without behaving like the grass is always greener on the other side.

After two years of silence and a subsequent year in conversation with my Twin Flame, feeling the heat in our words in the thinly veiled flirtations, his references to our past and the way we understood each other, explaining how he never felt anything like that before or since, saying that 10 days with me was like 10 years, asking me twice when I was coming back to his country, it was causing me too much turmoil. I had to find a way to put an end to this and embrace my relationship with my boyfriend, so I sent TF a goodbye letter, detailing what my experience had been getting over him, why my boyfriend was such a good partner to me, and why I wanted to focus on that and sever things with TF. It took TF two weeks to respond, but he did so kindly, saying that my letter was very tough to read but that he agreed with many things I said and would respond to it, but needed some time. I didn't reply to this, thinking I needed to stand by my decision. But then, two months later, in the craziest fluke ever, a work trip sent me overseas, to the country right next to his. And I freaked out thinking about how dismissive it would be to visit the country next to his and not even let him know... the idea of him finding out later through social media would be a metaphorical middle finger, after everything we had been through. And I knew I still loved him, but was trying so hard to let it go, for the benefit of both of our partners. So I sent him an email to let him know. I protected myself by saying I didn't expect him to come to meet me, but that I thought it was the right thing to do to let him know where I would be. He never responded to that, for whatever reason we could debate here for hours.

I felt a lot of peace after that. I really really enjoyed my trip abroad and did not think about TF much at all, and then I spent a few uneventful weeks back home in the U.S. until some very intense energetic feelings bubbled to the surface. Essentially, I am unsatisfied with my boyfriend. I dread sex with him because he does not know how to touch me or how to satisfy me. And he does not last long in bed either. And we are simply not connected the way I know it is possible for me to be in lovemaking. And I can't help comparing it to sex with TF, which was 100 times better. My boyfriend and I talk about things like television shows and politics, not the meaning of the universe (like the things that kept me and TF up talking all night). We never have and we never will. When I stared into TF's eyes, I saw the entire universe. And when I look into my boyfriend's eyes, all I see are his eyeballs, awkwardly blinking. And my boyfriend also is not as smart as me. I admired TF so much because he was as intelligent as me and probably even smarter, whereas I feel like I'm always having to explain things to my boyfriend that he doesn't understand. Both men were very kind, so there's that. My TF also was dignified and unassuming, but my boyfriend has a weird sense of humor and does awkward/embarrassing things all the time that I find unattractive. And I just realize that I will never be happy. I have a man who actually shows up for me, a man better than all the others (except TF), and I cannot be satisfied with him. Why? It feels like meeting TF became this divine thorn in my side... I wish I could have a lobotomy to stop remembering what a relationship COULD be like. I realize that my TF does not want to be with me (although every time I say that, I remember the album about me he released on my birthday 1.5 years after I left his country, and I know in my heart that this can't entirely be true); he never gave me the courtesy of responding to me and probably thinks I'm crazy after having contacted him twice, but I still think it was the right thing to do regardless. Sometimes when I'm feeling really paranoid, I imagine his girlfriend mocking me for even reaching out to him. Alas, I realize I need to move on and I've found the best possible man to move on with (32 years of experience are enough to assess that, right?), but I can't stop thinking about how things were with my TF, and how my life could have been. The spiritual work we could have done together, the feeling of every day being a gift and an adventure. I realize that I should be able to achieve all of this solo, and maybe that's what I'll have to do. Is the answer to all of this really that you're better off alone forever after meeting your Twin Flame? I just don't see how I'm ever going to be satisfied with anyone except him, and it's frustrating that this is the way things have to be. That because I met my TF, the best I can hope for is a life all on my own, because it's impossible to stop comparing other partners to them, and I don't want my boyfriend to feel like he isn't adequate enough for me. I wish this madness would just end.

[oldasthesea]

Hello ForeverRestless,
If it consoles you, my life has been stagnated since i met him. My life turned upside down, completely hell after that. Both a blessing in that year and a hell in the end.
The only guy i kissed was him, and it was a gentle kiss because there were people around. After that i had lot of pretendents, i feel they fall in love with me, but somehow it gets stucked and nothing moves foward. It all dies right there.
I get lost in my carear as well, sometimes i don´t know where to start, all things that should come naturally to me, it all comes in slow motion.
I´m trying now in the same carear as him, not to meet him or expecting nothing from him, but simply to earn my money, to travel, to finnish my photography course.

I try hard everyday to keep my faith high and hopes. Some days i get so frustrated cause i see nothing to move foward.

Like i said it´s both a blessing and a course beeing in this insane journey.
It seems like we are destined to be only with that person. I´m open to love and to love others, but it seems that something is blocking that, and it´s not me because i´m open to love. I don´t want to spend my life or some more years alone, while he is in a relashionship.

At least you have someone, feel grateful for it.
Try to live in the moment.

Hugs to you.

Sometimes i feel so ashamed to talk, but feels good to share some things.

[ForeverRestless]

Originally Posted by oldasthesea

Hello ForeverRestless,
If it consoles you, my life has been stagnated since i met him. My life turned upside down, completely hell after that. Both a blessing in that year and a hell in the end.
The only guy i kissed was him, and it was a gentle kiss because there were people around. After that i had lot of pretendents, i feel they fall in love with me, but somehow it gets stucked and nothing moves foward. It all dies right there.
I get lost in my carear as well, sometimes i don´t know where to start, all things that should come naturally to me, it all comes in slow motion.
I´m trying now in the same carear as him, not to meet him or expecting nothing from him, but simply to earn my money, to travel, to finnish my photography course.

I try hard everyday to keep my faith high and hopes. Some days i get so frustrated cause i see nothing to move foward.

Like i said it´s both a blessing and a course beeing in this insane journey.
It seems like we are destined to be only with that person. I´m open to love and to love others, but it seems that something is blocking that, and it´s not me because i´m open to love. I don´t want to spend my life or some more years alone, while he is in a relashionship.

At least you have someone, feel grateful for it.
Try to live in the moment.

Hugs to you.

Sometimes i feel so ashamed to talk, but feels good to share some things.

Thanks, it feels good to know we're not alone in this experience, even if it reflects poor coping mechanisms or even co-dependency or whatever the world would like to label it. Although I don't think most people have experienced having literally everything they ever dreamed of, only to lose it. This is a rare thing and on really hard days, I wonder if the connection was created to make us suffer more than anything else, because it hasn't brought much more than that to my life. If nothing else, I am grateful for the spiritual enlightenment, and I'd be content enough with that if I weren't tormented by repeating numbers and synchs for seemingly no reason at all. As I've said many times in the past--and I know my point of view is overly negative--I feel taunted by the universe on an ongoing basis. I do not enjoy this. It has hurt me more than it's helped me. But maybe I'm just missing the lessons and getting in my own way.

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by ForeverRestless

Thanks, it feels good to know we're not alone in this experience, even if it reflects poor coping mechanisms or even co-dependency or whatever the world would like to label it. Although I don't think most people have experienced having literally everything they ever dreamed of, only to lose it. This is a rare thing and on really hard days, I wonder if the connection was created to make us suffer more than anything else, because it hasn't brought much more than that to my life. If nothing else, I am grateful for the spiritual enlightenment, and I'd be content enough with that if I weren't tormented by repeating numbers and synchs for seemingly no reason at all. As I've said many times in the past--and I know my point of view is overly negative--I feel taunted by the universe on an ongoing basis. I do not enjoy this. It has hurt me more than it's helped me. But maybe I'm just missing the lessons and getting in my own way.

yeah this curse is really rough. Worst part for me is I instinctively knew what was coming but was powerless to stop it.... heck if I didn't give it a good try though

I don't think we can totally stop it, there is a reason for it and that reason isn't to be denied... but at some point I did get the bright idea of closing my eyes and not looking at the syncs if I saw them coming, or if I knew a sync was off to my left going to great trouble to not look to the left but look away, for example to the right. That helped, a lot; before I was getting non-stop syncs and it hurt! But now if I notice them at all it isn't too bad . And putting my hands over my ears and saying lalalalalalala with a loud internal voice so I couldn't hear what was going on around me helped too.

I don't think that any more than a bandaid to help me cope right now though.
I've been through this enough times to have the sense that if I try to make a big structure to keep out the rain, eventually I will get tired of maintaining it and it will fall down.

[ForeverRestless]

Originally Posted by FallingLeaves

yeah this curse is really rough. Worst part for me is I instinctively knew what was coming but was powerless to stop it.... heck if I didn't give it a good try though

I don't think we can totally stop it, there is a reason for it and that reason isn't to be denied... but at some point I did get the bright idea of closing my eyes and not looking at the syncs if I saw them coming, or if I knew a sync was off to my left going to great trouble to not look to the left but look away, for example to the right. That helped, a lot; before I was getting non-stop syncs and it hurt! But now if I notice them at all it isn't too bad . And putting my hands over my ears and saying lalalalalalala with a loud internal voice so I couldn't hear what was going on around me helped too.

I don't think that any more than a bandaid to help me cope right now though.
I've been through this enough times to have the sense that if I try to make a big structure to keep out the rain, eventually I will get tired of maintaining it and it will fall down.

So basically, this Twin Flame thing is something from which most people never recover. They just learn to deal. And try to be happy with what they have... I hope I see the point of all this in the afterlife. Because it's not fun here. I wish there was more to my existence than this.

I'm so glad you've been able to find some silliness and joy in a very difficult experience. Sometimes the best we can do in the midst of misfortune is to make fun of our circumstances a bit, then just plug along...

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by ForeverRestless

So basically, this Twin Flame thing is something from which most people never recover. They just learn to deal. And try to be happy with what they have... I hope I see the point of all this in the afterlife. Because it's not fun here. I wish there was more to my existence than this.

I'm so glad you've been able to find some silliness and joy in a very difficult experience. Sometimes the best we can do in the midst of misfortune is to make fun of our circumstances a bit, then just plug along...

frowns I'm not sure that is a good thing.

[ssdm1]

Foreverestless, I understand everything you've said and I'm right there with you.

First I must say that your statement about the eyeballs, made me really laugh and I needed a good laugh. I understand that also. I remember that first time intense eye contact with mine. When the eye contact broke I literally fell back against my seat as if some force had physically let me go. I remember a friend asking me what happened.

I'm feeling the same way you are, a lack of excitement in life (maybe the current energies affecting us?). It's as if my TF experience tops everything else and I can't go back to "normal" or mundane, I've experienced better and I don't know where to go now or how to get there, but going back doesn't feel good anymore.

I'm much older than you and I can tell you I was never able to come close to the feeling I had/have with my TF. Like you I've met men who adored me, would have done anything for me, that would have given me a great life, but I had little to no feeling for them. So I've lived life on my own and I have a great life. I'm happy with the woman I am. 2 years ago my TF came back in my life very unexpectedly and blew up my happy little world. The feelings again are intense, however, he's in a relationship that complicates things. We are best friends, we love each other and say so, we're there for each other always. He still helps me grow, there are still many lessons for he and I to work through. I do believe that after the horror he's experienced in his life, that we were meant to come together again at this point in life. What's interesting is everything I did in my life, my job, experiences, interests, friends, seem to have "prepared" me to come back to him. He has serious problems and I have the skills he needs to get through.

Having him back in my life, having him live 20 minutes away is tough. I want to be with him. While we text a lot and talk on the phone, I don't get to spend time with him much at all. When we are together it's like nothing else. When he hugs me, it's a long, full body hug, and the feeling of peace and being home I get cannot compare to anything.

It is very hard living as a twin flame, but I've gotten to experience love that most others, at least in my world, have no idea of. I watch friends as their marriages fall apart in middle age, because they found the best possible person at the time and settled. I feel blessed in one way to have truly experienced love, and cursed at the same time. We were teenagers when we met so I had that comparison my whole adult life.

I read something today I'd never come across before regarding twin flames and the person explained the feeling I get as not longing or yearning (I don't need him to complete me), but as being "homesick." That makes a lot of sense to me. Being with him does feel like I'm home, safe, the world is right. When we don't have contact that is how I feel - homesick, I want to go home, to him.

I hope this helps you a little. You are not alone, you have us here who do understand and are right in the same strange little boat with you.

[ssdm1]

Originally Posted by oldasthesea

Hello ForeverRestless,
If it consoles you, my life has been stagnated since i met him. My life turned upside down, completely hell after that. Both a blessing in that year and a hell in the end.
The only guy i kissed was him, and it was a gentle kiss because there were people around. After that i had lot of pretendents, i feel they fall in love with me, but somehow it gets stucked and nothing moves foward. It all dies right there.
I get lost in my carear as well, sometimes i don´t know where to start, all things that should come naturally to me, it all comes in slow motion.
I´m trying now in the same carear as him, not to meet him or expecting nothing from him, but simply to earn my money, to travel, to finnish my photography course.

I try hard everyday to keep my faith high and hopes. Some days i get so frustrated cause i see nothing to move foward.

Like i said it´s both a blessing and a course beeing in this insane journey.
It seems like we are destined to be only with that person. I´m open to love and to love others, but it seems that something is blocking that, and it´s not me because i´m open to love. I don´t want to spend my life or some more years alone, while he is in a relashionship.

At least you have someone, feel grateful for it.
Try to live in the moment.

Hugs to you.

Sometimes i feel so ashamed to talk, but feels good to share some things.

Don't feel ashamed to talk. We're all in the same place and can really understand each other.

[happyhaunts03]

I went through a very similar issue about 11 years ago. My TF and I had parted ways due to circumstance more than anything else and I finally was as ready as I could ever be to "move on." I made the choice to allow someone into my life who had been clearly interested in me for quite some time, but who I never allowed in because of my attachment to my TF. Well, to make a long story short, it turned out to be an average relationship, which isn't a bad thing. It's not a TF, but it's still pretty amazing. Through another series of events, we ended up married and now we have 3 children, a house, the career I thought I wanted...I have literally everything I ever dreamed of. But, my husband is not my TF.

It took me quite some time and a quarter life crisis a few years back to really look at things and realize it's perfectly okay that my husband is not my TF. Like you, I felt like the magic wore off and I was sort of lost...I took some time for myself, got away from it all. I went to a place where I could connect to spiritual energies easily and I started meditating. Anyway, to make a long story short, after spiritually/energetically reconnecting to my TF and learning that the love we have for each other is vastly different from the love my husband and I share, I was able to accept that my life with my husband is good because love comes in different forms and sometimes the love we want isn't the love we need. My husband is there for me, he's there for our children, he provides for us and makes sacrifices every day. I'll never know if my TF could have been that for me, but it doesn't matter because he has his family. I have mine. We are both happy. And that's what TF love is all about--unconditional love, the desire to make sure the other is happy and at peace even if that means we have separate lives.

Talk it out, here or with friends, or whatever works for you. Many of us have gone through this. It's okay. You have to find your path in all the mess of life. And we can share stories, give you our experiences and advice, etc., but ultimately, it comes down to what feels right for you.

[ForeverRestless]

Thank you all so much for your responses. It is strangely comforting to come here again after posting in a 3D-oriented forum about this problem from a traditional perspective after being attacked as a person who “thinks the grass is always greener on the other side” and is “settling for” and “using” my boyfriend. I Get the feeling that you especially, ssdm1 and happyhaunts03, understand how this ongoing, laborious journey interfaces with other romantic partners. The weird thing is, I think if you could use a ruler to measure our feelings, I’m willing to bet that my boyfriend and I “love” each other close to the same amount. OK, he probably loves me more, but that’s just because I was not loved by my parents and have trouble recognizing or accepting love. It’s hard to feel what you don’t know, no? I’m rambling. Anyway, my point is that my boyfriend probably loves me in a rather standard human way, and I love him back in a rather standard human way, and by most accounts, that would be sufficient (relationships require active maintenance aftern the initial infatuation wears off, right?). The problem is that standard human Love doesn’t quite cut it for me anymore, because I’ve seen so much more, so yes, the grass will always feel greener outside of my traditional relationship, but only because I’m aware now. Think of a dog, for example. The dog has spectacular vision and sees the literal entire spectrum of colors that a dog can possibly see. He sees everything. He sees ALL the colors, and he appreciates and cherished that. But then, during a strange period, he gains access to the full human color spectrum, or even the color spectrum of an octopus or more advanced animal. Suddenly, everything in the world is. Even more beautiful than it ever was before. Everything means more. Life is more worth living. He feels greater purpose. Then, almost as suddenly as he gained the ability to see additional colors, that power is taken away. He’s back to the regular, albeit rich, spectrum of canine color. And he still loves the world he sees, but he knows it can be so much more illuminated and brilliant. All he has now is the memory of seeing the world in greater color and it’s hard to go through life accepting that this grayish world is all he’ll ever get from here on out. Why be shown color in the first place only to be taken away? And why can’t he be satisfied with the full canine spectrum that every other dog isn’t perfectly happy with? Why does he act like the world is dull and lackluster? Why does he no longer appreciate a vibrant sunset like everyone else?? WHAT’s WRONG WITH HIM???

Ok, so that is a terrible analogy, yes, but it’s what I came up with in the moment. How am I supposed to explain away my “selfishness” for wanting more than my boyfriend offers me to people who have never experienced more themselves? How do I explain that I know that no matter who I meet or where I go, I won’t find that full spectrum of color again, because it came from a different world? The only way I can access it again is through my mind, my soul, astral travel, maybe? But the real world will remained grayed, no matter how much I wish it away.

I hope I can be a good partner to my boyfriend, fulfill everything he desired in a lover because he was never taught to want or expect more. I just hope that he doesn’t feel inadequate when I inevitably compare the gray world he offers me with the technicolor one I once saw. It isn’t his fault.

Especially to ssdm1 and happyhaunts03, I pose another question: have you ever cracked the mystery on your twin’s partners? Sometimes when I’m doing something mundane, like brushing my teeth in the morning, a thought of twin and his girlfriend will pop into my head. I’ll think, “they MUST have a great life together.” “He MUST have everything he wants with her.” “He certainly must feel far more for her than he felt for me, otherwise, he would never choose to be with her INSTEAD of me, would me?” I think about it: he’s the happy one, I’m the discontent one. Why does it have to be me? Why does he have what he wants and I have to compare everything to him the rest of my life? Why did the things we experienced together affect me so much, and him, seemingly not at all, just moving along to the next thing? Why is this my lot in life?

Surely, over time, you must have been able to assess some reason why they prefer these women and these relationships over not even spending TIME with us. Twin once told me I was his favorite girl he ever met, last year he told me he had never felt intensity like he felt with me before or since... and yet he doesn’t even feel the desire to respond to me and my letter. It’s clear to me who’s the winner and the loser in this scenario. I am the one who cared more. I am the one who struggles with comparison as the thief of my joy while he moves on happily. But if that’s really how things are, if that’s reallly the case, I guess I should be glad I saw the world in technicolor, even if he didn’t. And he can never take that away from me.