Really suffering

LillyBelle · #1 23-03-2018, 11:59 PM

These past few years (Pretty much since 2005) have all been bad years for me. I had a friend who was abusive to me. Now, I'm dealing with a Cousin who just keeps making bad decisions and hurting me. I'm crying every day or night now. Last night I cried myself to sleep. I'm just so tired of life raining on me.

For once I was happy while she was living here, but they ( her boyfriend mainly) messed that up. I just want to be happy again. I don't want anything huge. Just a small group of friends who will love and care about me like I do them and job that I love going to.

Tobi · #2 24-03-2018, 01:43 AM

Kindest thoughts and my very best wishes LilyBelle

It's very hard when we are forced by circumstance to come in contact with family members (or their boyfriends!) whom we don't get along with so well...

Can you find that job? If not, then perhaps it would be possible to do some voluntary work which would at least put you in touch with other people, and probably like-minded people? You do indeed have a chance to make a new pathway in life where you can find more companionship and fulfilment.

Have you thought of volunteering as a helper....maybe at a "no kill" animal rescue or something like that? (Just an idea. You may have your own idea.)

LillyBelle · #3 24-03-2018, 02:47 AM

I have, Tobi and eventually I will get there. Right now, I suffer from severe anxiety and depression. It confined me to my home for a very long time. I'm taking baby steps to get out.

When my Cousin came to live with me it really brought me back to life, so to speak. She was exactly what I needed. But, over time, something changed. I started to realize this Boyfriend was abusive. He threatens to break up with her whenever she doesn't do what he says. He use to lock her out of their room because he wanted to be alone. He's very selfish.

Then, when he didn't pay rent, my Mom finally kicked them out after six months. After that, I freaked out and was going to go with them. However, he wanted me to pay $650 for a trailer ( just the trailer). I said I couldn't afford that. Well, they got mad at me for that. Then, she told me they were homeless. I was so upset for three days. I cried hysterically and didn't get out of bed. Turns out, they were staying by his Sister's place. So, many other incidents like that happened.

Just yesterday, she text me that she doesn't come see me because I'm over dramatic about everything and she's trying to get her life in order. She said she doesn't need depressing stuff dragging her down. Then, she blocked me. I've been crying every day because of that. I'm so heartbroken. I just can't believe she would treat me that way.

#4 24-03-2018, 08:53 AM

Hello LillyBelle,

Sincere wishes that things get better. My suggestion FWIW may seem difficult - may not even be possible in a single step - but try to view your situation from a 3rd person viewpoint. Pretend you're one of the commenters here but able to "look in" on what's happening. If you get a quiet moment just sit and contemplate what's going on - as a viewer.

It may just help rationalise your situation; help you to pose the sort of questions that seem needed, like "Are they playing on what they see as your insecurities?" "Are they playing on your depressions and anxiety?" "What are they getting from it?" "Is your cousin one of these masochistic types who likes to be controlled and abused?" "If so, is your intervention necessary?" "Are you simply wasting your time and emotions?" "Do you feel like you're clinging?" But these are just thoughts. You need to come up with questions of your own.

However, in recognition of your health this may be extra difficult. I don't suffer from depression (in fact, those SSRI drugs actually MAKE me feel depressed so I have some inkling of what you mean) but I do know that it's so difficult to "be objective" when you're down. So I reckon you're right - baby steps.

I agree with Tobi, not only getting out and about but in doing so it'll put space between what's happening now and the future.

♥

LillyBelle · #5 24-03-2018, 06:29 PM

Thank you, Lorelyen. I will try to do that.

Aquamarine · #6 26-03-2018, 05:20 AM

LillyBelle, it sounds like your cousin has her own problems that have nothing to do with you. I don't know your past, but sometimes it is hard to make the kind of decision one needs to with people in when to give to people emotions of our heart, and when to use discretion in safeguarding our hearts. She sounds like perhaps it may have been wise to safeguard your heart.

This is something I think that everyone has trouble with but maybe more so people who have experienced trauma. Boundaries are confusing. I find myself holding back when I don't need to, and then I am not experiencing the fullness of life. But then I don't hold back when I do need to and I, like you, get deeply hurt. I sometimes give my heart in a situation that was not in my best interest to do so because I've been formally programmed to feel that that is the thing to do, and I get hurt-like before-but I really deep down want a different outcome.

This definitely can cause, I know for myself- me to not want to have interactions with others and not want to walk out my door. Depression. Anxiety. Confusion. So much hurt. I've needed to feel that I have power in life, not the other way around.

The thing is that you do have power in your life. Realizing boundaries are important. Realizing triggers are hugely important. Because when you know what triggers you, you know how you are going to react-then you know how you are going to react and you can catch it ahead of time. Then you begin to feel the real power of your self. How you can really change your life. And you can. Believe me, I know.

You do not have to stay where you are right now. Anything is possible.

Blessings to you.

AnneC2013 · #7 26-03-2018, 06:32 AM

Hi as I’m reading your post I feel your pain and I feel your sadness. Try to let go of them and surround your self with more positive people. I just want to offer advice: You need to take care of your self. It is like the more you do for someone the more you get hurt. And it shouldn’t be that way. Take a step back and look again at the problem. Don’t allow others to cause you heart ache and pain. You are important and should make urself a priority. Can u stay with ur mom?

Golden Eagle · #8 31-03-2018, 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LillyBelle

These past few years (Pretty much since 2005) have all been bad years for me. I had a friend who was abusive to me. Now, I'm dealing with a Cousin who just keeps making bad decisions and hurting me. I'm crying every day or night now. Last night I cried myself to sleep. I'm just so tired of life raining on me.

For once I was happy while she was living here, but they ( her boyfriend mainly) messed that up. I just want to be happy again. I don't want anything huge. Just a small group of friends who will love and care about me like I do them and job that I love going to.

Jobs are ONLY fulfilling WHEN WE LOVE WHAT WE ARE DOING ~
the LOVE will not come from an outside source ..... LOVE arises WITHIN YOU~
Your relationships are lacking Love because you are expecting it from them, and they do not yet have a Heart filled with Love to GIVE you any! Your EXPECTATION is what is causing your HURT FEELINGS ..... Give up demands and expectations ...... DO WHAT YOU LOVE TO DO ! There you will find Fulfillment in both job and relationships. Just quietly GIVE yourself LOVE first by CLAIMING more and more SPACE to BE with YOU alone!!! That is the SECRET SACRED SPACE so many FAIL to FIND even though it is with them always ........ it gets BLOTTED out via our false attachments to this Visible Realm ~ Try to FEEL that LOVE within with eyes CLOSED to the Phenomenal World , like you would deeply IN LOVE ~ If Love were NOT within you ...... you NEVER would have felt it in the first place ~ !

LillyBelle · #9 01-04-2018, 04:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnneC2013

Hi as I’m reading your post I feel your pain and I feel your sadness. Try to let go of them and surround your self with more positive people. I just want to offer advice: You need to take care of your self. It is like the more you do for someone the more you get hurt. And it shouldn’t be that way. Take a step back and look again at the problem. Don’t allow others to cause you heart ache and pain. You are important and should make urself a priority. Can u stay with ur mom?

Yes, I can stay with my Mom and I am.

Golden Eagle, I don't have any real self-esteem so, I don't know how well that will work out.

Raziel · #10 01-04-2018, 03:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LillyBelle

These past few years (Pretty much since 2005) have all been bad years for me. I had a friend who was abusive to me. Now, I'm dealing with a Cousin who just keeps making bad decisions and hurting me. I'm crying every day or night now. Last night I cried myself to sleep. I'm just so tired of life raining on me.

For once I was happy while she was living here, but they ( her boyfriend mainly) messed that up. I just want to be happy again. I don't want anything huge. Just a small group of friends who will love and care about me like I do them and job that I love going to.

Are there any animal shelters nearby that you could volunteer at?

It's always my go to response but it really helped me when I was in a dark place.

The interactions are on such a basic level that you gain confidence in your judgement again & before you know it there are big mean dogs that absolutely love you to bits because your genuine.

I don't think I ever felt more "needed" in the world than when a dog deemed "nasty" somehow connects to you over the other people there.

Bear in mind that shelters do euthanize animals which is hard to take at times but you can really make a difference.

Might help ... ?