Memories haunting me

[Impulsv]

I think that women present at ur self execution was to release u from that guilt. Why would she return to see u kill your self when u saved her n changed. It was an effort to remind u n in honor of saving her life that it is finished. No need for more. U miss took her presence n it was to honor ur transition from killing machine to compassionate soul.
Those eyes that look was for u to remember true nature ur benevolent self.

That's how I see it. If I were her n u saved my life I'd like to return that favor.
If that dream continues it's because u haven't realised the true message. U are still living in guilt. So she co.es into ur dreams so u remember it is done u have transitioned so let the past n guilt go.

[ajay00]

Originally Posted by someguy92

I seriously dont know what to do, one past life is haunting me, keeps popping in my head.
I have already got over it long ago, but now last year it keeps popping in my head non stop the same scene over and over again its literally torturing me.
The scene was when I was samurai, quite high rank almost became a general I even remember the name of my lord even clan under wich I served...and I was about to execute innocent woman just for "fun", I was ordered with pillaging and razing village of enemy clan. She begged for mercy, I was a ruthless monster who loved to kill, I was possesed by a demon. I fought with him whole life in past life, but when she begged for mercy and looked me into the eyes something snapped in me, I finnally won against my demon. I didnt execute the woman, instead I released her and left the village unharmed, but I had to kill my lower officers who refused to follow my order. Than I returned to lord and told him I didnt burned the village, that I spared it. I asked the lord for seppuku, but he didnt want me to kill myself, because I was efficient killing machine,high ranking and a loyal follower. I could have easily dodged suicide, but I didnt want to live with what I have done, I wanted to undo what monstrocities I have done. Even when I was cutting myself, the last image I saw was her again, she was there, sitting in the crowd as seppuku was something like public execution.

It still haunts me, I got over it, but sadly it keeps coming back. I dont know what to do, I want it to go away, what was was, we live today not yesterday. I have tried almost everything, but whenever I go to sleep, I always dream about it and wake up with it in my head and its bugging me whole day...

I remember reading a case study in Dr.Brian Weiss's books of a man who was similarly a blood-thirsty warrior who committed many atrocities in a past life. He suffered from psychological fears in lives afterwards, and in the present life consulted Dr. Weiss. Upon reliving his past life memories, he was able to make peace with his past, make a fruitful review and retrospect of his past actions, and decided to spend time, energy and resources in unselfish service to those around him, as a compensation for his past deeds.

There is a teaching of the Buddha in this regard, “Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity.”

The emperor Ashoka the Great, who was an aggressive and ambitious conqueror in the beginning, was greatly struck with remorse and guilt to see the afflicted and wailing after his victorious campaign in Kalinga which killed and wounded many thousands.

He renounced war after this campaign permanently, and devoted the rest of his life to serving his subjects sincerely with an excellent administration,fostering a culture of peace and harmony among all .

One of the sayings inscribed in his pillars is thus, "Harmony alone is true."

[someguy92]

Originally Posted by Impulsv

I think that women present at ur self execution was to release u from that guilt. Why would she return to see u kill your self when u saved her n changed. It was an effort to remind u n in honor of saving her life that it is finished. No need for more. U miss took her presence n it was to honor ur transition from killing machine to compassionate soul.
Those eyes that look was for u to remember true nature ur benevolent self.

That's how I see it. If I were her n u saved my life I'd like to return that favor.
If that dream continues it's because u haven't realised the true message. U are still living in guilt. So she co.es into ur dreams so u remember it is done u have transitioned so let the past n guilt go.

Yes, you may be right that she is a reminder of who I trully am...

But after some time of the post, I saw what was hidden from me. There was one important thing that helped me to stop thinking about it. After I gave up resisting those flashbacks, I started to see it. In that life as samurai, when I was a little boy, other boys bullied me, they called me weak and harrased me in some alley. No bywalker helped, everyone ignored me, they let me be bullied except her. She was older than me and when she saw they were bullying me, she intercepted. She telled them to leave me and that they were losers for bullying me, they were angry, but she called her brother who was older so they got scared and ran away. Than she came to me and asked me why were they bullying me. I told her because I was physically weak, not good with martial arts, weapons etc. and I wanted to become a painter instead of a warrior, so they mocked me as being weak. She hugged me and told me to ignore them that they are losers, that I should never give up and fight for what I believe and should ignore others. That I live my life for myself and encouraged me to become a painter, she told me I am not weak and that I was a good person and deserved good life. She wanted to take me with her, she was kind of traveller/trader with her brother, that I should leave all that samurai stuff if I dont want to. I was scared to leave my family so I declined her offer. She than gave me a big kiss on cheek so that other boys would envy me, to give me some self esteem and wished me luck. I went home full of hapiness and self esteem. But as I returned home, I was scolded, I was bullied again and I never saw her again. She was the only person who showed me mercy in that life, the only person who gave me true genuine love and compassion. Many years later as I was about to execute that woman, I remember it as it was yesterday...one officer took her as he wanted to rape her,but she bruised his genitals, angered he wanted me to execute her first before every villager. They roped her and held her neck so I could make a clean cut. She was crying, pleading me for mercy that she has family...my men laughed that I was the last person on earth who would give mercy. As I was winding my sword, she somehow looked me into the eyes and than I saw her face. It was the girl that scared off the bullies and helped me, encouraged me and showed me compassion. I froze there and it started, battle in my head with my demon, I couldnt kill the only person that cared about me and I cared about her. My will was stronger and I couldnt execute her...my subordinates mocked me that I kind of got weak and that we must follow orders of our lord, so I killed them and released the woman. I remember her eyes, full of terror, fear and dread, she was paralyzed by fear. I was looking at her, as I was looking at her, I threw off my mask and helmet. Than I told her I couldnt kill you, she didnt understand and than I told her about a little boy she saved from bullies, she finnally recognized me and thanked me for saving her,asked me why did I do this that I will be executed for disobeying orders, she was shocked that what have I become and said I told you, you are a good person. That made me angry I threw her off of me and shouted that she should run away, run away as far as she can. She ran to some woods nearby and I havent seen her until my execution. When I was cutting my belly, I looked into the crowd and she was sitting there, she was crying and looking at me and than I felt cold blade on my neck and my head fell off than white tunnel.

You are right about the transition to compasionate soul. I have changed 360, she saved me and I did everything in my power to change my fate as she gave me second chance at life. But I miss the compassion, the mercy that encouragement...in this life no one cared about me when bad times rolled, I was all alone to deal with my problems, but at least my friends tried to make me laugh, they saw that I was very unhappy... I feel like there is a big void in my life and that void is her. I even met her in this life, she was my teacher at college. The irony is that when I was in second semester I wanted to quit college and just go to some work where I would work my butt off like oil rigs or french foreign legion and die quickly, but she told me few words that resonated within me so strongly, she told me that I shouldnt give up that easily. From that day, everything changed, I remembered who I was and well didnt gave up. Those few words gave me so much strength in this life its unbeliavable, she was even so compassionate with me and my classmates, she even helped me enourmosly with class that I had most problem with, well she teached it. But now, she is just a memory. If I only could have known her better, but she just appeared in my life, changed it and left...even before I knew who she trully was...now I feel like a big void is in my life and well that void is her. Maybe I just miss her compassion, her eyes and her presence...Even when I looked into her eyes when we were talking, I felt like I was home, like everything will be ok, that serenity, that peace and security, even when I was talking with her, I felt like I knew her for thousands of years, we even talked about alot of stuff and well could talk for ages, she even had a weak spot for me and I had too.But as always fate never favored me and to be honest I dont care anymore about anything, I just want to have peace in my life.

It sounds to me that you have come a long way. Some people that have pulled themselves out of hard times, keep a small token from their past to remind them of how far they have come and to appreciate all that they have, and also to remind themselves that what ever or who ever they did or where is not going to repeat.

Again, you have come a long way...perhaps she is showing you this token from the past... her look, her belief in you, her gratitude...is a way of letting you know, she is proud of you and still believes in you and is thanking you for not wasting the opportunity that she requested for you.

You have accepted your past as past, maybe now it's time to embrace your victim as she seems to have embraced you.

[sea-dove]

You will one day meet again, soul connections like that never die.

[someguy92]

It sounds to me that you have come a long way. Some people that have pulled themselves out of hard times, keep a small token from their past to remind them of how far they have come and to appreciate all that they have, and also to remind themselves that what ever or who ever they did or where is not going to repeat.

Again, you have come a long way...perhaps she is showing you this token from the past... her look, her belief in you, her gratitude...is a way of letting you know, she is proud of you and still believes in you and is thanking you for not wasting the opportunity that she requested for you.

You have accepted your past as past, maybe now it's time to embrace your victim as she seems to have embraced you.

I think you are spot on...I have to embrace her, but sadly she vanished as she appeared in my life so its kind of hard...all I wanted was to get her know better.

Originally Posted by sea-dove

You will one day meet again, soul connections like that never die.

Sadly yes, because as always those circumstances will be traumatic as always. They will only hurt me more and tear my heart even more...because I dont know why but God hates me, he trully despises me. Even at the trial after my life as samurai it was him who threw me into the abyss/damnation not hell but damnation, its place of no return, absolute game over... but I accepted it as I didnt want to exist anymore. It was HER who convinced God to give me another chance at the price of if she failed to save me, she would go to damnation aswell...God abandoned me, only she was the only person who didnt abandon me, who believed in me and gave me another chance...even when I was little I had nightmares of falling in an neverending pit of void, pure nothing that consumed me and I couldnt scream, I woke up screaming. I also dreamt about some woman, her face and eyes were EXACTLY the same in dream as the teacher at college, as her...since I was little boy about 4-5 years old. I even wanted to do suicide because of nightmares of damnation. And I always longed for her....

Even now and every single life, whenever I was about to connect with her or at least get to know her, she drastically vanished from my life. Like when I was persian noble she died while in sleep, when I was knight hospitaller I fell in crusades prior to marrying her, when I was italian noble prior to marrying her, she was murdered, when I was orphan, she took care of me and she mysteriously died in sleep...and the list goes on and on. All I longed for in every single life was to finally connect and live with her in peace, but this never happened, she was always drastically taken away thanks to God and fate. I dont know why he does this to me, why does he always put the worst stuff imaginable for me to go trough. All my lifes were death, pain, war, agony and disease...Trully I dont know anything else than war, death, pain, diseases etc., even now I subconciously know how to fight, I know how to heal diseases, I know all tactics, I know how to cope with death etc....I repaid my karma loong time ago, but he still hates me, he still hates the fact that I am not in damnation that I am alive and walking. Even now, being almost dead many times when I was little kid, I had multiple times salmonella and I had severe malnutrition I was near death at constant time, but that was not all, I contracted lyme disease too, than I had weakend immune system and he let me go trough the pain and agony.I was perma sick since kid, I am so numb to pain that I can perform literally surgery on me without local anesthetics, I can cut my abscess and cleaning it without almost feeling anything, even when I got broken nose on training in martial arts, when they were repairing my nose in full conciousness, the local anesthetics didnt work and I didnt lost conciousness, the nurses were shocked,they even said I was the only person they met who didnt lost conciousness...what an "acknowledgment"... He gave me the chance to see my brother dying slowly and painfully before my eyes for four years, but at least he didnt took him away from me, but he would take him if my brother wasnt important in this timeframe, he took away my grandmother who was kind and sweet, he gave the most vile vermin within my family, he just took and took and took away from me...I just dont have the energy anymore to even list what he has "given" me trough this life...but I dont care, I now trully dont care about him, he abandoned me, he forsake me, he left me rot, he didnt gave me second chance, why should I care? The only person that gave me second chance was her and he even took her away from me...I believed in God, I always tried to do the right thing, I always held justice in high ordeal, I tried to help good and punish evil, I was always put in high power and responsibility even trough all of my lives and the reward? Agony, pain, misery and cruel death. I never had peace in my life, always everything messes up, not a single moment to relax.But I would never give up my morals and the belief in higher good. I now understand that fate and God have never liked me, they hated every single moment of my existence. But I dont care, I just dont care about them anymore...I will never submit to damnation only because of her, because if I will lose, she will suffer the same fate as me and I wont allow that. I would rather suffer millenias of pain than if anything would happen to her, she wouldnt deserve the end of existence. Me? I dont care I would be happy to not exist anymore, even life is pointless and vain, everything will end one day and what matters is experience. But she wouldnt deserve it, she deserves only good. I only wish her the best in her life, even if it means that I wont see her anymore. If I will know she is taken care of, than I trully dont care about anything else anymore. All I hear in my head from God is that he wanted me to make me strong, but I always say to him but at what price? And ask him if the price was worth it, if the price of making me hollow and numb was trully worth it? And I than I get no answer...

[Shinsoo]

@someguy: Sounds like you got a rough deal. But if you keep finding yourself in similar situations like that, you may simply have not yet learned the lesson for it. Your soul is contracted to repeat a certain lesson before it is able to move onto the next one.

Not saying you are bad or anything, but given you seem to have such vivid memories, ask yourself what your mindset was at the time when you were "doing good things" Many people do good things not from the heart, but because they feel -obligated- or simply out of -fear- from a higher power, or have other motives that aren't out of compassion.

Examine your motives. Take a hard look at all your lives, the running themes within them, and what you can learn from them. Maybe the answer you're looking for can only be found once you put the puzzle together.

[someguy92]

Originally Posted by Shinsoo

@someguy: Sounds like you got a rough deal. But if you keep finding yourself in similar situations like that, you may simply have not yet learned the lesson for it. Your soul is contracted to repeat a certain lesson before it is able to move onto the next one.

Not saying you are bad or anything, but given you seem to have such vivid memories, ask yourself what your mindset was at the time when you were "doing good things" Many people do good things not from the heart, but because they feel -obligated- or simply out of -fear- from a higher power, or have other motives that aren't out of compassion.

Examine your motives. Take a hard look at all your lives, the running themes within them, and what you can learn from them. Maybe the answer you're looking for can only be found once you put the puzzle together.

Sorry, but what can you learn from one day miracously everything crumbles, everything you build with your sweat, blood and tears? What are you supposed to learn??? When the thing you longed for fought for and finally deserved just vanished from day to day??? That life is vain? That I shouldnt even care about anything or anyone in this Godforsaken world?? I asked many times why did it happen, the answer was to make you stronger. What doesnt kill you makes you stronger...sadly this is truth, but is it worth it? Is it trully worth it in the end ? To make a person strong, but absolutely hollow and devoid of life.

I know what you mean by the helping with good heart. Yes I know how it works, if you help only to get something in returned you get screwed over. I am no saint and never was, but when I help I always do it because I want to, because I know its the right thing and I dont care about any kind of reward. Because I wont let my close ones suffer. The best thing about this is that I dont have to prove everything as karma sees all.