transforming like a phoenix

[annabelle239]

well,this year has been the worst year of my life. even years that are less good,usually give me a really great month here and there in the year. it's very very hard and heartbreaking losing a loved one. the guilts and the regrets have been overwhelming and triggered a great onslaught of ocd thoughts. i'm missing opportunities left and right and not growing. i've become stagnant. the saddest thing for me is feeling like a failure. believing in law of attraction,it just i thought i could prevent this. and not being able to makes me feel what's the point in attracting all my desires when one of the most important things to me is now gone. it's hard to feel deserving. i push things away the last almost 3 months even more now and feel guilts still having things i want. i feel incredibly inadequate. i see friends living it up and having a great summer,and i feel a little jealous. that was supposed to be me. :) i had all these goals,and not many have gotten met. i'm pretty confident if she didn't transition,i would be a in much better place right now. but my grief has caused a huge backlog of progress in my life and it's been hard to even keep afloat.

i get approved for something that is a cool honor and end up not going. i guess it's one of the last straws for me. i need to move.i need positive movement. before she transitioned,me and my crush were just starting to talk again. after she transitioned,i've since blown him off again,without a word,and i feel he has moved on now.i didn't get things i was supposed to this year. i really want positive movement in my life. in my current book i'm reading about out of body experiences there was a touching story about a girl who had an OBE and talked with her brother in astral projection. he said was happy and seeing the mountains and how you shouldn't wait until your dead to see the mountains and he wishes people knew what he knew to not worry so much about other people.
it's sad when all the things you had intended for the year,dating,summer fun,career growth,etc,etc all get stalled and you feel paralyzed. last year was the year i found my happiness again. and then this year,i get this. and there is no turning back. you can't make someone undead. luckily,there is an apartment viewing today and tomorrow so i can finally move out and move to a new neighborhood to increase life efficiency. this apartment is also too sad since so many sweet memories with her were at this place. it just feels low here now. i have a feeling the apartment today will be the one,and by the weekend an apartment will be chosen. that will be a relief and will help with growth.i also want to cut my hair. a little thing,but it'll help be a tiny symbol of growth for me. i have to change.i cant keep living my life like this. i see so much how i took things for granted before she left,but now,it is a little more effort to appreciate.i figure if i let go of having a good summer,at the least by fall,i can have a great fall,be healed,and transformed,and a newer,evolved me which i will enjoy. but yeah,it's time a for a change. i think i may clean the bedroom.i haven't since she transitioned. part of me feels she isn't dead,she is just in another room. i like that.

[desert rat]

On the l.o.a. , it works for good and bad , consciously and unconsciously . Dig in to your repress subconscious stuff see what is creating bad stuff for you .