Should I lie for my mother?

Nalan...

Have you gone to any al-anon meetings or read any books on enabling and not enabling? You cannot make your father stop enabling. But maybe your courage for standing up and saying "No, I will not enable Mom's behavior anymore" will give your dad a life line to begin to stop enabling too.

*hugs*

You all have already confirmed what I knew in my heart of hearts. This won't be easy. Ironically enough, I was raised to do the right thing.

[NightSpirit]

The step towards not enabling family any longer is a very personal and individual choice. Only you can make that decision and live by it. I guess what you need to ask yourself is ....

"Is this the example I want to be for my own son, and can I teach him that example when I can't live it myself?"

"Can I abide by my decisions no matter what and feel good about it?"

"Will breaking the link allow us all to let go of the burden of it?"

"What does my core belief tell me to do?"

if you lie for your mother, she wins because she's invited you to participate in abusive behavior with her.

you called 911. seems obvious to me that you really don't want to lie for her because if you did want to lie, you never would've called 911. it's not easy to follow through but i think you have a choice and i think that choice is that you don't have to "testify" against her. the fact that you called 911 is most likely documented and that is evidence and testimony in and of itself. you DO have the right to tell the people involved that you've done your part and the rest is up to them. that relieves you as far as legalities go but you still need to deal with HER.

unhealthy mother / daughter relationships are extremely urgent to care for and handle properly.

[Triner]

Originally Posted by iolite

Have you gone to any al-anon meetings or read any books on enabling and not enabling? You cannot make your father stop enabling. But maybe your courage for standing up and saying "No, I will not enable Mom's behavior anymore" will give your dad a life line to begin to stop enabling too.

Another possible lesson will be to nalan's son. He'll be learning not to tolerate abuse as well.

My honest opinion is that you shouldn't lie for her. If she gets arrested she'll get any help she needs (as is my understanding)

Originally Posted by nalan

I posted this thread here because it's more a spiritual issue than a relationship one.

Situation: my mom assaulted me in my home because she wanted to attack my father. She was under the influence of alcohol and who knows what else, but this is far from the first time that she has used violence against my dad. It's been that way for as long as I can remember; my father is an enabler.

Now my mother faces an arrest warrant because I called 911 and filed a police report. She has implied that she wants me to lie so that she does not actually get arrested. (She's been out of state which is why she hasn't been arrested yet.)

Do I lie or not?

I am not out for vengeance; I have forgiven her. But I want to make it clear that I am no longer okay with her behavior...which is why I'm leaning toward testifying against her. I don't want to cause her pain (she has been through a lot recently), but feel I have to make a stand. I have pictures of the bruises she left all over me. I am not an enabler.

At the same time, if I make a stand, then I face the probability that she will have to face the justice system, she will think I'm doing it out of anger, and it will most likely ruin my relationship with her.

The time for her to return to the state where her warrant is issued is rapidly approaching.

What should I do? And how do I know that I am doing what God wants me to do?

In thanks,
Nalan

Simply put the question is your answer.

Should I - always means no. If you have to ask if you should then you already know you should not, you're just searching for justification to do so.

Short and sweet but true.

Originally Posted by nalan

I posted this thread here because it's more a spiritual issue than a relationship one.

Situation: my mom assaulted me in my home because she wanted to attack my father. She was under the influence of alcohol and who knows what else, but this is far from the first time that she has used violence against my dad. It's been that way for as long as I can remember; my father is an enabler.

Now my mother faces an arrest warrant because I called 911 and filed a police report. She has implied that she wants me to lie so that she does not actually get arrested. (She's been out of state which is why she hasn't been arrested yet.)

Do I lie or not?

I am not out for vengeance; I have forgiven her. But I want to make it clear that I am no longer okay with her behavior...which is why I'm leaning toward testifying against her. I don't want to cause her pain (she has been through a lot recently), but feel I have to make a stand. I have pictures of the bruises she left all over me. I am not an enabler.

At the same time, if I make a stand, then I face the probability that she will have to face the justice system, she will think I'm doing it out of anger, and it will most likely ruin my relationship with her.

The time for her to return to the state where her warrant is issued is rapidly approaching.

What should I do? And how do I know that I am doing what God wants me to do?

In thanks,
Nalan

Perhaps there is a win-win if you could somehow use the threat of legal action to get her to go into therapy? I.e., offer to drop the charges provided she agrees to get counseling and stop drinking?

Originally Posted by nalan

Then my truth is that love tells me to be open and honest with the authorities, to not retract my statement, and even show the pictures of the burises if necessary.

Fear tells me to do otherwise.

So I need to find strength and courage to face this. I will. I know we're never given more than what we can handle, but I sure could use all the encouragement I can get.

Ironically enough, my mom called as I was reading through these posts. Our connection is my son, and that is pretty much all we talk about now. This last week has forced us to face the fact that he is asthma, and now we're on a slippery slope as to which path to follow for his health. My mother offered to pay for him to go to a specialist that we cannot afford. Most of this is an act of love; part of it is her manipulation.

There is bad manipulation, and there is good manipulation.....

I recommend you think about using your mom's desire for a relationship with her grandson as your leverage to get her into continued counseling. Let her know you want her to have a relationship with her grandson but that it will only be on YOUR terms: no drinking around him; she must get herself into ongoing counseling; one more act of violence towards anyone and she loses all contact with her grandson.

If she wouldn't shape up for your dad, wouldn't shape up for you, maybe, just maybe, she'll shape up for your son.

Thank you so much for your truthful and kind, supportive comments.

Yes, I am a member of alanon and have a very supportive mentor.

The laws in my state might take this off my hands (partially) because once a "victim" (I HATE that word) has called 911 and an arrest warrant has been issued for domestic assault, then it's no longer in the hands of the "victim." Meaning that the law will prosecute, no matter what I have to say.

The what-if's in my mind are calming, thanks to the Big Guy Upstairs, so now all I feel is an immense sadness.