Childhood dream

[EsterHanna]

Hi! I’ve been following this forum for quite some time and finally decided to get an account.

For decades I’ve been thinking about a recurrent dream I had from approximately the age of 6 until maybe 10. Me, my mum and three younger siblings are at a railway station - when this dream first appeared I had never gone on a train though, from the age of 9 we start to go a few times a year -
Strangely my mum wears a grey fur jacket. This jacket was very strange to me when this dream first appeared, I remember that clearly, since a fur coat/jacket was something i had only seen on posh ladies once or twice. So it was important for me to notice the fur.
The color of our bags (light gray faux-leather with a textile black and yellow stripe across), is also important for me to notice in the dream, I just know that.
It’s wintertime and freezing cold, we’re standing at the platform, looking for the train. Then my mum tells me that we need to change platforms, it’s the one on the other side we’re supposed to be at! Suddenly we’re in a hurry, we’ll miss the train! In the dream I know that is devastating, we are quite poor (as in “real” life) missing the train would mean we won’t get our ticket money back, and can’t afford to buy new ones....
We have to take a shortcut, over the tracks to the other side, my mum decides looking at me. You go down and check for us, she says to me, check if the tracks are slippery due to the cold. I do NOT want to jump down to the tracks, know instinctively it’s dangerous (the first time I have the dream, after then every time I have the dream I remember what will happen from the last time), but I do it without a fuss since I’m “the good child”, I never make a fuss about anything, not even in this dream.
The tracks are really icy, slippery, almost immediately I slip and at that moment a train is right in front of me, I see every detail of the high-speed engine only centimeters from my face where I’m sitting on the tracks and I know this is it.

Wake up, heart pounding and very sad.

Several times a year I had that dream, always exactly the same

Then my mum inherited a grey fur jacket when I was about 9.
When I was 11 my mum bought new bags for our vacation, light gray faux-leather with a textile black and yellow stripe... I tried to make her choose another color since I was really scared my ”death sentence” was near.

Still alive 30 odd years later, not that afraid (a little though!) of railwaycrossings I wonder about this dream. I’m convinced it has a lot of meaning.. There are so many layers in it, have a lot of thoughts about it but would really appreciate your view on it. There is so much insight and wisdom among you all, maybe someone would like to share your opinion on it, please!

Note
As a child I “knew” things and “saw” things, which for one felt good and natural though impossible to tell anyone. From about the age of 12 until 32 I didn’t want to be bothered with the “knowing” and “seeing”, had turbulent years and a lot of sorrow and distress. Nowadays I’m on a path back to my original self.

Thank you for your thoughts about this!
EsterHanna

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by EsterHanna

Hi! I’ve been following this forum for quite some time and finally decided to get an account.

For decades I’ve been thinking about a recurrent dream I had from approximately the age of 6 until maybe 10. Me, my mum and three younger siblings are at a railway station - when this dream first appeared I had never gone on a train though, from the age of 9 we start to go a few times a year -
Strangely my mum wears a grey fur jacket. This jacket was very strange to me when this dream first appeared, I remember that clearly, since a fur coat/jacket was something i had only seen on posh ladies once or twice. So it was important for me to notice the fur.
The color of our bags (light gray faux-leather with a textile black and yellow stripe across), is also important for me to notice in the dream, I just know that.
It’s wintertime and freezing cold, we’re standing at the platform, looking for the train. Then my mum tells me that we need to change platforms, it’s the one on the other side we’re supposed to be at! Suddenly we’re in a hurry, we’ll miss the train! In the dream I know that is devastating, we are quite poor (as in “real” life) missing the train would mean we won’t get our ticket money back, and can’t afford to buy new ones....
We have to take a shortcut, over the tracks to the other side, my mum decides looking at me. You go down and check for us, she says to me, check if the tracks are slippery due to the cold. I do NOT want to jump down to the tracks, know instinctively it’s dangerous (the first time I have the dream, after then every time I have the dream I remember what will happen from the last time), but I do it without a fuss since I’m “the good child”, I never make a fuss about anything, not even in this dream.
The tracks are really icy, slippery, almost immediately I slip and at that moment a train is right in front of me, I see every detail of the high-speed engine only centimeters from my face where I’m sitting on the tracks and I know this is it.

Wake up, heart pounding and very sad.

Several times a year I had that dream, always exactly the same

Then my mum inherited a grey fur jacket when I was about 9.
When I was 11 my mum bought new bags for our vacation, light gray faux-leather with a textile black and yellow stripe... I tried to make her choose another color since I was really scared my ”death sentence” was near.

Still alive 30 odd years later, not that afraid (a little though!) of railwaycrossings I wonder about this dream. I’m convinced it has a lot of meaning.. There are so many layers in it, have a lot of thoughts about it but would really appreciate your view on it. There is so much insight and wisdom among you all, maybe someone would like to share your opinion on it, please!

Note
As a child I “knew” things and “saw” things, which for one felt good and natural though impossible to tell anyone. From about the age of 12 until 32 I didn’t want to be bothered with the “knowing” and “seeing”, had turbulent years and a lot of sorrow and distress. Nowadays I’m on a path back to my original self.

Thank you for your thoughts about this!
EsterHanna

there are ways to die... emotionally not physically... once in college when I thought 'wrong thoughts' in the next moment I was perplexed, because I knew what I had done and 'remembered' that that kind of thing got me killed (emoutionally). It was a moment full of wonder that they let it pass?

possibly, you were being exposed to a path from the past that had led to your own death when you made a mental 'mistake' that might kill you this way. Maybe this was a warning for you to think about it before doing as you were told when the time came. Or maybe it was never intended to happen this time, it was just a reminder from some past and they wanted you to be able to remember things are somehow different than they ever were before? If you think about it you might 'remember' some sort of turning point where things seemed different somehow... I dunno though as I've never talked to anyone about this type of thing before.

[EsterHanna]

Thank you for your reply, FallingLeaves! I appreciate it a lot!!!!

"there are ways to die..."

- made me realise that yes, indeed I was being killed (emotionally, spiritually) until I got molded in being/thinking/acting/believing as suited her... In a few years I got good at killing and restricting myself, *I* didn´t really exist for decades. Needless to say trying eventually to get rid of my self in many ways.

Never thought of that in the context of this dream - yes I can see it now, it was a warning, a strong one which I had no power to follow at the time....

There was a turning point - 13 years ago I had to choose between death (also physical) and living.


You also brought the subject of parallell or alternative lifetimes/worlds...
Another aspect which I had not thought of - Thank you! This explanation also makes sense, when based in the information I have channeled in recent years (one day maybe I´ll be able to write it down, for now I have trouble finding the right words to express the greatness...)
Maybe the warnings DID alter my choices in one given moment in this life,
it´s possible remembering the sadness from the dream made me keep a core of "self"....


I am amazed, but not surprised, your Guardians (sorry I do not know how you prefer to relate to them/call them, my excuses if I got it wrong!) made you "remember" the path you were not supposed to go when having "wrong thoughts" in college...I guess it was quite seriously "wrong" since they intervened without you asking for it.

sincerely
EsterHanna

[FallingLeaves]

I'm glad you got something from my comments. Yeah I'm seeing more and more the influence my parent's problems had on me too...

I wanted to clarify my own situation, well, in this specific situation I told you about I wasn't being 'bad' I just let in an 'imperfect' thought. And in the next instant I thought it was just a wonder they let it go!

[EsterHanna]

by “wrong” I was thinking you meant something that wasn’t of value for you and your life- but I do not quite get the part of “...they let it go”. I’m curious, do you mind telling me more about your thoughts? As you probably noticed, English is not my principal language and I’m afraid I do not quite follow...
sincerely

[FallingLeaves]

certainly I can try?

well I don't remember what I was thinking at the time it would possibly be something I would find inconsequential now. I'm not sure I would have had words to describe it then but now I would say what I was feeling right afterwards was that I expected the 'energies' following that moment to be like a sound beating when my dad was punishing me for being 'bad'. A beating so intense I felt I couldn't have recovered from it. It would have ended my beingness right there... And the fact that that beating was withheld, it didn't come, they let the moment go by quietly and without saying anything, that was such a wonder to me!

[EsterHanna]

Ok, I understand now, thank you.

It is so strong, the way we adapt to whatever in our life that is considered as normal actions and consequences - for example getting beat up by the ones who are supposed to love, raise and protect you - and that that way of handling life and situations similar makes one act/react as practiced for years. Then when someone reacts differently to a given situation it’s like a whole new world opening up, a new concept, a moment of awe, as if seeing clearly for the first time.

I am sorry to hear about your experiences as a child, I hope you have been able to heal.

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by EsterHanna

Ok, I understand now, thank you.

It is so strong, the way we adapt to whatever in our life that is considered as normal actions and consequences - for example getting beat up by the ones who are supposed to love, raise and protect you - and that that way of handling life and situations similar makes one act/react as practiced for years. Then when someone reacts differently to a given situation it’s like a whole new world opening up, a new concept, a moment of awe, as if seeing clearly for the first time.

yeah exactly...