Spiritual awakening and isolating from society

First of all, I'm sorry if this text will be long. I don't really have any question here, I just need to write this all down and share it with someone. I wish someone would comment about these thoughts of mine, maybe tell if you have similar experiences and how have you survived with them? Some advices?

And I'm also sorry for my possibly bad english, I'm from Finland.

So, I believe my spiritual awakening started in year 2012. I learned meditation for relaxing and then I found this whole spirituality thing and I was taught about it by one person who talks about these things. Everything was fantastic. I felt a connection with nature and its animals. I felt like I have a part to play in this life, in this world, and it will come clear to me. I managed to contact spirit guides and even had small messages from them in dreams.

But things have changed after that.

I have noticed that the world hasn't changed. I still have to find myself a job and run after money even though I wouldn't like to. I still have to live in a society and follow its rules. I still have my duties that someone else has put on me. I feel that I can choose hardly anything about my life. When I was younger people kept on repeating that I have all the options and time in the world and that I can create my life to be whatever I want it to be. But now I see it was a lie.

I've heard that spiritual awakening is something that happens inside us, that it doesn't change the outer world. This seems true to me now but it feels so bad. I don't understand why I ever awakened or is there something important that I have just missed? Today it's difficult to contact my spirit guides and I feel that they've stopped giving me answers. I sometimes feel them near me and they send calming energy but I still don't get any answers. I've heard that they don't tell us what to do with our lives but I have asked them to even give me some options, what they think that I could be good at, where could I go to. But no answer.

What I'm most worried now is if I'm going crazy. I feel like I've started to isolate from the society and this world. I just hate everything that is there outside my window. Well, the nature is fine because it doesn't expect anything from me. But I wouldn't like to "join the people" and go to work as working life is so hard here and people are often cruel. I can't decide anything about my job, someone else tells me what times should I work and everything. And I can't start my own business because I have no ideas what to do. I hate how everything in this world runs around money and how people brag about their perfect lives that are just like in schoolbooks. And they expect everyone to live in the same way than they do. I hate how superficial most of the people are. And I hate the fact that there are bad things in this world. I hate how unfair life is. I think everything comes back to money and I hate money. But of course I know the good sides of money and society, living would be hard also without them, maybe even harder than now...

My problem is: I can't accept this reality.

I'm becoming cynical and negative. And I'm tired of trying to be positive because it feels like pretending and lying.

I've been in different therapies for years until I finally stopped them this year. I felt like there was not a single therapist who would have understood me really. I've had diagnosis such as depression, social phobia and anxiety but none of these has ever made complete sense to me. I felt like the therapists saw problems in me where I didn't see. They thought it was weird that I enjoy mostly being alone but I have always been like that. I think I should have been diagnosed with something like "existential crisis" but it's probably not a scientific term of psychiatry. I always felt that the therapists just wanted to make me become a normal person of society. They didn't care about my inner conflicts with this world, they just explained that "it all will get better when you start living normally (have a job, get some friends, get a family...)" But I'm just not interested in this kind of normal life. I often wish there was some spiritual therapy out there instead of these schoolbook therapies.

I'm a dreamer and I often spend time in my head, in fantasy worlds. Somehow I wish I was allowed to sink in my fantasies and that someone would come and tell me that I don't need to participate in this real world, that I don't need to do anything that I don't want to. I often wish I could go to the angels, to finally meet my guides face to face, to live in limitless love where everything would be easy and safe (I believe this happens after death). But I don't want to die because I don't want to cause that pain for my family. And of course I'm uncertain: what if I'm believing in something that is not even real? If there is nothing after death?

Sometimes I think that I just let go of this spiritual stuff and focus on real life but it feels so bad and I always return to beg for answers from spirits.

I hope someone understands something of what I'm trying to explain. I know my thoughts don't always flow in a clear line. But at least writing this all down helped me a bit.

I don't have much to add, but I can relate to what you're saying. Thanks for mentioning the bit about spiritual awakenings being an internal thing - never thought of in that way. My experience has been that things do get better, you come to understand that the universe has a better plan for you than you could have dreamed up. Maybe you not being able to contact your spirit guides right now will prove itself to be a good thing in the future.

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by Deerheart

I have noticed that the world hasn't changed. I still have to find myself a job and run after money even though I wouldn't like to. I still have to live in a society and follow its rules. I still have my duties that someone else has put on me. I feel that I can choose hardly anything about my life. When I was younger people kept on repeating that I have all the options and time in the world and that I can create my life to be whatever I want it to be. But now I see it was a lie.

I've heard that spiritual awakening is something that happens inside us, that it doesn't change the outer world. This seems true to me now but it feels so bad. I don't understand why I ever awakened or is there something important that I have just missed? Today it's difficult to contact my spirit guides and I feel that they've stopped giving me answers. I sometimes feel them near me and they send calming energy but I still don't get any answers. I've heard that they don't tell us what to do with our lives but I have asked them to even give me some options, what they think that I could be good at, where could I go to. But no answer.

What I'm most worried now is if I'm going crazy. I feel like I've started to isolate from the society and this world. I just hate everything that is there outside my window. Well, the nature is fine because it doesn't expect anything from me. But I wouldn't like to "join the people" and go to work as working life is so hard here and people are often cruel. I can't decide anything about my job, someone else tells me what times should I work and everything. And I can't start my own business because I have no ideas what to do. I hate how everything in this world runs around money and how people brag about their perfect lives that are just like in schoolbooks. And they expect everyone to live in the same way than they do. I hate how superficial most of the people are. And I hate the fact that there are bad things in this world. I hate how unfair life is. I think everything comes back to money and I hate money. But of course I know the good sides of money and society, living would be hard also without them, maybe even harder than now...

My problem is: I can't accept this reality.

I'm becoming cynical and negative. And I'm tired of trying to be positive because it feels like pretending and lying.

Hi Deerheart

Firstly, welcome to this forum. And your English is excellent.

So you cannot accept this reality. As Byron Katie would say, resisting the reality of how things are can only lead to suffering. And it sounds like you are suffering. This is how things are. Wanting things to be other than they are is futile. But this also means accepting that you cannot accept this reality!

You say you hate superficial people. People are what they are. Maybe there are lessons for you about not judging others, accepting others as they are, maybe even feeling compassion for them.

You say you hate bad things in this world. So remove all (so-called) bad things within yourself. How would you like people to be? Are you that kind of person yourself? Changing the world starts with changing ourselves.

You say you hate the unfairness of life. As a young man I too hated the unfairness of life. Now I consider life to be absolutely fair. So what aspects of life do you consider unfair?

You say you hate money and that working life is hard. Which makes life difficult for you because money is a rather essential part of life on Earth for us humans. Working life may be hard, but that which does not kill us makes us stronger. And in the end, our working career is all a game. We are just playing a role with other people who are also playing their roles, but most of them completely identify with whatever role they play. But work gives us the money to pay the bills and go on holidays and do spiritual courses and read interesting books. Money is an energy to be used, and money can make things happen for us. But it is all temporary and one day we will leave it all behind. In the meantime, have fun with it.

Spiritual awakening is not the end of a journey. It is the beginning of a new stage where we are challenged to live our spirituality in a world which does not support spirituality. Perhaps your guides have stepped back to see what you do now. If our guides hold our hand every step of the way, then where is the learning? Where is the growth? So we will make some bad choices, but that is OK. Because even a bad choice has something to teach us.

Real spiritual awakening allows us to play with life, accepting all of it, enjoying the ride. And for me, it comes down to living with a loving peaceful heart. Physical life is short. When it is over, then we can go to our real home for a rest. But until then, there is work to do.

Peace

[inavalan]

Originally Posted by iamthat

Hi Deerheart
...
Peace

You highlighted several "You say you hate ..." which remind of this Seth quote:

"A generation that hates war will not bring peace. A generation that loves peace will bring peace."
—Seth Speaks Chapter 12: Session 550, September 28, 1970"

This is a nuance that most of us miss, and that makes all the difference for what's happening to us in our realities.

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by inavalan

You highlighted several "You say you hate ..." which remind of this Seth quote:

"A generation that hates war will not bring peace. A generation that loves peace will bring peace."
—Seth Speaks Chapter 12: Session 550, September 28, 1970"

This is a nuance that most of us miss, and that makes all the difference for what's happening to us in our realities.

Absolutely. It seemed odd to read about someone speaking of spiritual awakening while also listing all the everyday things they feel hate for.

I have always considered spiritual awakening to bring about greater acceptance of the mundane as it is, not greater resistance to life in its many expressions.

Peace

Thank you all for your answers! It's good to know that I'm not all alone with these thoughts. :)

iamthat,
"Firstly, welcome to this forum. And your English is excellent."
Thank you!

Your text made me think and it's quite much what I've been thinking on some level but never accepted. I am suffering with this thing so I think it's better to just try to accept this reality as good as I can. To me it means that I have to take some distance to my spirit guides and not depend on them so much.

You also made me think about the word spiritual awakening. I'm not sure if I have ever understood it right. I've been taught that there are many ways and reasons why someone awakes. I'm not sure if I ever have awakened, really. But I just thought it was what happened in 2012 when I felt all those new feelings. Or maybe I have but it was only because the spirits wanted to remind me that they're there (maybe this makes the most sense to me). I was awakened to spirit world so that I would know that I can live however I'll live because I'll go back to the spirits when this life is over (so I don't need to fear death so much > my aunt died in 2012 before all this happened so I was probably thinking a lot about death).

I have to say that I'm not sure if I believe in things like life lessons or patiently developing myself by this kind of deep self-examination. Maybe I once believed in it but later I just got bored of it when I started to feel like nothing happens and it got too hard. I've been thinking that maybe this thing is not for me. I want to live as easy life as possible, without any extra stress that I've been having from all these beliefs that my journey has introduced to me. Maybe I should become a bit more superficial myself and just try not to think so much.

Originally Posted by inavalan

...

"A generation that hates war will not bring peace. A generation that loves peace will bring peace."
—Seth Speaks Chapter 12: Session 550, September 28, 1970"

...

That is a very good quote - and a very good point.

Originally Posted by Deerheart

Your text made me think and it's quite much what I've been thinking on some level but never accepted. I am suffering with this thing so I think it's better to just try to accept this reality as good as I can.

https://mindfulnessmeditation.net.au/arrow/

The parable of the second arrow is a well-known Buddhist story about dealing with suffering more skilfully. It is said the Buddha once asked a student,

‘If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful? If the person is struck by a second arrow, is it even more painful?’

He then went on to explain,

‘In life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. This second arrow is optional.’


In your original post you mentioned you started meditation some years back. I started practicing Vipassana or calm-abiding/mindfulness of breathe sometime in 2008. The great lesson of the practice relates to the above second arrow, and that is it's not what the world throws at us, but how we react to what the world throws at us.

The second arrow is all the thoughts that bubble up from the subconscious that eventually manifest into emotional reactions, and without us being aware of the process until we're in the midst of a full-blown emotional reaction and then it's too late.

If one puts in enough time in earnest meditative practice one is able to be aware of those thoughts bubbling up from the subconscious closer and closer to the point they bubble up. And since the technique within the practice is to notice them and then gently let them go they are disarmed, preventing them from spawning more and more thoughts that will solicit that emotional reaction.

With enough practice and because of neuroplasticity the ability to be aware of these thoughts as they bubble up within formal practice will eventually begin to manifest outside of practice and help to first minimize and with enough practice eventually eliminate the self-inflicted suffering of the second arrow.

This is the basic meditation I first practiced and still do. https://www.vipassanaforum.net/meditation/Shamatha.pdf


So yeah, the world is what it is and for the most part we have very little control over its doings, however we do have control over how we react to its doings. It makes sense to work on what we do have control over vs. worrying about what we have little to no chance of controlling.

[Hilary]

It sounds like you feel powerless. You don't like the way things are, and you feel helpless to bring about change in the world. So, I would start by doing what you can. This will alleviate your powerlessness. Are you going to save the world? No. Can you start making a difference? Yes. Volunteer, get involved. Whatever you feel passionate about. You need to sing your song - the world needs to hear your voice, your message.

Dedicate your work life to making the world a better place. Work will no longer feel like earning money. It will feel like a passion.

I used to feel like a drain on society. All I did was play video games. And then I had son with autism, and shortly after, a spiritual awakening. Now I am a special education teacher, and I love my life.

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by Deerheart

You also made me think about the word spiritual awakening. I'm not sure if I have ever understood it right. I've been taught that there are many ways and reasons why someone awakes. I'm not sure if I ever have awakened, really. But I just thought it was what happened in 2012 when I felt all those new feelings. Or maybe I have but it was only because the spirits wanted to remind me that they're there (maybe this makes the most sense to me). I was awakened to spirit world so that I would know that I can live however I'll live because I'll go back to the spirits when this life is over (so I don't need to fear death so much > my aunt died in 2012 before all this happened so I was probably thinking a lot about death).

The term spiritual awakening is used by different people in different ways.

For some, becoming spiritually awakened simply seems to mean having the mental realisation that there is a spiritual dimension underlying and beyond mundane existence. The term spiritual need not have any religious connotations. They then seek a teacher, a path, a practice so they can know this spiritual dimension for themselves. As part of this, they may reject all aspects of material existence.

This can be a difficult process, because they are no longer satisfied with life as they used to know it but they have not yet attained any real spiritual knowledge. So they are caught between the two. Ordinary life no longer fulfils them but they have not found spiritual fulfilment either.

For others, spiritual awakening is a 'Soul' realisation involving a shift in consciousness into a greater reality. The identification of consciousness with limited personality is transformed into identification of consciousness with itself. Or maybe even the identification of consciousness with pure Being. For some, this may be a temporary glimpse which may last hours, days or even weeks. For others it is a permanent unchanging ever-present state.

Such a spiritual awakening provides true fulfilment because it is the knowledge of our own true nature. In this state there is no need to reject the material world because it is all an expression of the Self.

Originally Posted by Deerheart

I have to say that I'm not sure if I believe in things like life lessons or patiently developing myself by this kind of deep self-examination. Maybe I once believed in it but later I just got bored of it when I started to feel like nothing happens and it got too hard. I've been thinking that maybe this thing is not for me. I want to live as easy life as possible, without any extra stress that I've been having from all these beliefs that my journey has introduced to me. Maybe I should become a bit more superficial myself and just try not to think so much.

The spiritual journey does require patience. If we look for immediate results we will probably be disappointed. Daily meditation has been compared with throwing stones into a river, each stone sinking below the surface and vanishing, with no apparent effect. But one day we discover that all the stones have formed a bridge and we can then walk across the river.

And yes, you want an easy life, free from stress. Most people do, including myself. The problem is that once we have embarked on this journey there is no turning back. You could try becoming more superficial and not pondering these things. You might even succeed for a while, finding distractions to keep you occupied. But deep down you know the limitations of it all, and you know that it will never make you truly content.

You say you are not sure if you believe in things like 'life lessons'. Do you believe in the existence of a Higher Self, a Soul? Your Higher Self may well have incarnated with a particular purpose for this life. Your lower self (or personality) may resist because it means effort and change. But the lower self will never be satisfied with its life, and your Higher Self will keep prodding until eventually the lower self gives in.

It is all learning.

Peace