Meaning of trauma and healing

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

Yes that's exactly what was first described to me in therapy, because of the developemtal trauma many connections were not made and so they have to be developed. Thank God for neuroplasticity lol.

Also, I've heard that from a wider viewpoint it's about connection, that trauma is not actually the real issue, it's emotional and about relationships. I'm just starting to understand it. It's interesting that people who had a good upbringing are less likely to develop PTSD from traumatic events. Not every soldier or car crash victim gets PTSD. Those who have an strong emotional foundation seem more resilient and don't develop symptoms. I had the opposite so I get deeply traumatized by events, especially if they're about relationships. So it makes sense to me when I hear that trauma is not actually the real problem, it's about the absense of emotional connections in childhood. They say one of the most healing things for people with DTD is to have healthy relationships. Maybe they help form those connections that were never made in the brain. Or in others word, learn to be loved and cared about. I think self-compassion can do the same, but I sense that relationships with other humans can be even more effective, if they're indeed healthy and healing. It all makes sense to me considering how mammals are at the core relational beings, our brains are formed by interaction with the caregivers.

Actually, I was just thinking about that over the weekend, about how we label ourselves as being traumatized, and healing ourselves from our traumas. Maybe it's not really the trauma that we are healing, but the absence of emotional nourishment/resources that made us unable to face life challenges. I was thinking about why out of all my cousins, and other kids that I grew up with, I was the only one who was sickly, pale, thin, etc., and I thought, it was probably because I was never loved and always scolded and intimidated and aggressed.

So that's in line with what you said.

I remember as a child, when I played games with my cousins or other kids, I would fear losing so much that I would quit the game--I couldn't handle life's challenges. Didn't have the inner strength.

All my life I have a strong craving for deep connection, but this need was never met. People either cannot connect or don't want to.

I don't know how to find healthy and loving human relationships. I look at my social circle, there are two general categories of relationships: (1) shallow connection, or (2) unhealthy connection with people who are "not there."

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by wanchain

Actually, I was just thinking about that over the weekend, about how we label ourselves as being traumatized, and healing ourselves from our traumas. Maybe it's not really the trauma that we are healing, but the absence of emotional nourishment/resources that made us unable to face life challenges. I was thinking about why out of all my cousins, and other kids that I grew up with, I was the only one who was sickly, pale, thin, etc., and I thought, it was probably because I was never loved and always scolded and intimidated and aggressed.

So that's in line with what you said.

I remember as a child, when I played games with my cousins or other kids, I would fear losing so much that I would quit the game--I couldn't handle life's challenges. Didn't have the inner strength.

All my life I have a strong craving for deep connection, but this need was never met. People either cannot connect or don't want to.

I don't know how to find healthy and loving human relationships. I look at my social circle, there are two general categories of relationships: (1) shallow connection, or (2) unhealthy connection with people who are "not there."

I think it's good to release trauma in the body from the past and grieve what was done to us, becaust I think that can lead to creating that sense of calmness and security of being valualbe that was never instilled in us. Also I think as we do that healthy relationships will naturally come, especially if we ask the universe for it. I'm having trouble meeting new people but I've made a couple of supportive relationships from going to ACA meetings. i think it just takes time and as we continue to work towards healing it'll happen. The more I heal the more I put myself out there instead of isolate. I've let go of unhealthy relationships which is miraclous because it's such a big change, I've only had sick relationships all my life until now. It's more lonely with less people but I'd rather go through that for awhile than stick around with abusive people. I can't heal when I'm constantly being beaten down and retraumatized.

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

I think it's good to release trauma in the body from the past and grieve what was done to us, becaust I think that can lead to creating that sense of calmness and security of being valualbe that was never instilled in us. Also I think as we do that healthy relationships will naturally come, especially if we ask the universe for it. I'm having trouble meeting new people but I've made a couple of supportive relationships from going to ACA meetings. i think it just takes time and as we continue to work towards healing it'll happen. The more I heal the more I put myself out there instead of isolate. I've let go of unhealthy relationships which is miraclous because it's such a big change, I've only had sick relationships all my life until now. It's more lonely with less people but I'd rather go through that for awhile than stick around with abusive people. I can't heal when I'm constantly being beaten down and retraumatized.

The path leading to the eventual end of a relationship is hard. I was telling a friend, in different ways, what my needs are, but while mine are not met, he expects me to meet his needs. So eventually, I said, "I don't enjoy your presence."

Although in truth, it wasn't just his aura that I was not comfortable with. It was his constant not seeing me, not communicating with me, etc., that I was most upset about. I had a severe "unseen, unheard, unappreciated, unloved, ..." vibe in me, and he kept triggering it.

Either I haven't learned the healthy way to socialize, or I have yet to meet the healthy people. Do you have trust issues? I know I have to work on my trust issue, or fear of being criticized/invalidated/rejected/mocked, etc., because I don't open myself up easily to form a close or deep bond.

Speaking of healthy relationships, do you know anything about bonding with animals? I don't know if that would help with healing, but since my problem is human connection, I guess animal connection doesn't help. :P

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by wanchain

The path leading to the eventual end of a relationship is hard. I was telling a friend, in different ways, what my needs are, but while mine are not met, he expects me to meet his needs. So eventually, I said, "I don't enjoy your presence."

Although in truth, it wasn't just his aura that I was not comfortable with. It was his constant not seeing me, not communicating with me, etc., that I was most upset about. I had a severe "unseen, unheard, unappreciated, unloved, ..." vibe in me, and he kept triggering it.

Either I haven't learned the healthy way to socialize, or I have yet to meet the healthy people. Do you have trust issues? I know I have to work on my trust issue, or fear of being criticized/invalidated/rejected/mocked, etc., because I don't open myself up easily to form a close or deep bond.

Speaking of healthy relationships, do you know anything about bonding with animals? I don't know if that would help with healing, but since my problem is human connection, I guess animal connection doesn't help. :P

All I know is I get attracted to people who treat me like my parents did. That's what I grew up with knowing as love, it's familiar and comfortable, even if I hate it and want to fight against it. It's burned into the mind that chasing after affection from a person is love. Dangling closeness like a string in front of me, me wanting it more than anything, not getting it, and constantly chasing after it is what excites me. That's because my parents were emotionally immature and had no love to give. As a child I craved for them to see me, to pay attention, to care for me. So being emotionally starved and thinking I'll soon get love is love to me. Craving emotional intimacy and not getting it. That's sick but what I was raised to be like. But as I heal this changes, I want actual intimacy from people who can be emotionally present, who can appreciate me instead of treating me less than human. Neuroplasiticity has to be real because I'm starting to be attracted to that now instead.

I can barely trust enough to leave the house. And this is slowly changing too. As for animals, I love them, but I don't know anything about bonding. I had a pet for 20 years and when it died it broke my heart and I had nightmares and flashbacks about it for many years. That's pretty normal though considering my childhood.

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

All I know is I get attracted to people who treat me like my parents did. That's what I grew up with knowing as love, it's familiar and comfortable, even if I hate it and want to fight against it. It's burned into the mind that chasing after affection from a person is love. Dangling closeness like a string in front of me, me wanting it more than anything, not getting it, and constantly chasing after it is what excites me. That's because my parents were emotionally immature and had no love to give. As a child I craved for them to see me, to pay attention, to care for me. So being emotionally starved and thinking I'll soon get love is love to me. Craving emotional intimacy and not getting it. That's sick but what I was raised to be like. But as I heal this changes, I want actual intimacy from people who can be emotionally present, who can appreciate me instead of treating me less than human. Neuroplasiticity has to be real because I'm starting to be attracted to that now instead.

I can barely trust enough to leave the house. And this is slowly changing too. As for animals, I love them, but I don't know anything about bonding. I had a pet for 20 years and when it died it broke my heart and I had nightmares and flashbacks about it for many years. That's pretty normal though considering my childhood.

Yes, in psychology Peter Levine calls it re-enactment when we are attracted to situations or people who re-traumatize us. In quantum physics, the law of vibration explains why like attracts like (if we have the vibe in us, we will attract more of it). So my approach to healing is to neutralize the vibration in me.

I haven't attracted any new human relationships though, but some of my existing relationships have changed. I suppose I still have a lot more to shift inside me. I know I still have the fear to speak my mind, to be more genuine. I am still holding back, hiding in the background, as I feel that I am very different from everyone else, and to have someone accept me would really challenge their open-mindedness.

Do you mean you have fear of being outside?

I remember I used to carry my hamster wherever I went. I think that was pretty extreme attachment. I can attach easily to non-humans, like inanimate objects or animals. Sometimes when things break or get worn out, I don't want to part with them because there are sentimental values. Sometimes I try to find an identical replacement but it's not possible. Do you have this tendency too?

[wanchain]

double post

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by wanchain

Yes, in psychology Peter Levine calls it re-enactment when we are attracted to situations or people who re-traumatize us. In quantum physics, the law of vibration explains why like attracts like (if we have the vibe in us, we will attract more of it). So my approach to healing is to neutralize the vibration in me.

I haven't attracted any new human relationships though, but some of my existing relationships have changed. I suppose I still have a lot more to shift inside me. I know I still have the fear to speak my mind, to be more genuine. I am still holding back, hiding in the background, as I feel that I am very different from everyone else, and to have someone accept me would really challenge their open-mindedness.

Do you mean you have fear of being outside?

I remember I used to carry my hamster wherever I went. I think that was pretty extreme attachment. I can attach easily to non-humans, like inanimate objects or animals. Sometimes when things break or get worn out, I don't want to part with them because there are sentimental values. Sometimes I try to find an identical replacement but it's not possible. Do you have this tendency too?

I've just recently, about a year or so I guess, recognized I've had anxietyall the time, in the house too. But it seems that's gettinga lot less now, which is weird because I was just starting to see it. Going out is getting a little less rough. It's childhood trauma, the part of me trying to stay safe. If I'm isolated I can't get hurt by anyone or anything. I think even the tendency towards relationships with abusive people is a way of the mind protecting me. It doesn't make sense at first but that's how the brain protected us as children, to turn the abuse inwards instead of risking death by rejecting caregivers.

Getting to know the things about me that I hate and resist, being aware and compassionate towards them seems pretty effective. The mind is always on our side. I don't always see it but now I'm starting to. And yeah I don't think I get attached to objects but I do it with music. I'm looking forward to more human interaction though as I keep truckin on in my recovery. I might even have a pet again one day, that might be nice.

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

I've just recently, about a year or so I guess, recognized I've had anxietyall the time, in the house too. But it seems that's gettinga lot less now, which is weird because I was just starting to see it. Going out is getting a little less rough. It's childhood trauma, the part of me trying to stay safe. If I'm isolated I can't get hurt by anyone or anything. I think even the tendency towards relationships with abusive people is a way of the mind protecting me. It doesn't make sense at first but that's how the brain protected us as children, to turn the abuse inwards instead of risking death by rejecting caregivers.

Getting to know the things about me that I hate and resist, being aware and compassionate towards them seems pretty effective. The mind is always on our side. I don't always see it but now I'm starting to. And yeah I don't think I get attached to objects but I do it with music. I'm looking forward to more human interaction though as I keep truckin on in my recovery. I might even have a pet again one day, that might be nice.

It's interesting that you mentioned about self-awareness. I had that experience too, that I did not I was super anxious, because that's how I had experienced it all my life, but then when I started seeing my first acupuncturist, she told me one day, "You know, you have anxiety."

I have a job, so I have a certain level of human interaction, but it's not deep. Just enough to get things done. Actually, sometimes things don't get done because I don't have a strong enough working relationship with certain departments/individuals, and I find that frustrating and irritating, because there is a component of politics involved, and I don't like to play games. I have always had problems with the superficiality of our society, like saying what we don't mean but don't mean what we say, etc. I want a deep and strong connection, but I haven't been successful in getting it.

Have your experience with human interaction and human relationship been going smoothly?

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by wanchain

It's interesting that you mentioned about self-awareness. I had that experience too, that I did not I was super anxious, because that's how I had experienced it all my life, but then when I started seeing my first acupuncturist, she told me one day, "You know, you have anxiety."

I have a job, so I have a certain level of human interaction, but it's not deep. Just enough to get things done. Actually, sometimes things don't get done because I don't have a strong enough working relationship with certain departments/individuals, and I find that frustrating and irritating, because there is a component of politics involved, and I don't like to play games. I have always had problems with the superficiality of our society, like saying what we don't mean but don't mean what we say, etc. I want a deep and strong connection, but I haven't been successful in getting it.

Have your experience with human interaction and human relationship been going smoothly?

It's getting there, I have a couple of supportive friends and the conversation is about what's really going on in our lives instead of being superficial. I can contact them when there's a crisis. I'm starting to get out and meet new people, it's happening slowly. I'm really just starting the deep processing of trauma in therapy so the isolation is just starting to change.

I don't like company politics, people stepping on each other to get ahead, trying to look busy, striving to not lose the job, being evaluated and watched, all that fear-based stuff triggers my PTSD. We're taught to have a sense of accomplishment by making other people money, and not actually being partners in the business, and that seems misguided. It's like using people and throwing them away, throwing them out with nothing. Plus this society's whole Puritan work ethic thing is scary to me, they make dissociation through workaholism acceptable and I don't believe it is.

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

It's getting there, I have a couple of supportive friends and the conversation is about what's really going on in our lives instead of being superficial. I can contact them when there's a crisis. I'm starting to get out and meet new people, it's happening slowly. I'm really just starting the deep processing of trauma in therapy so the isolation is just starting to change.

I don't like company politics, people stepping on each other to get ahead, trying to look busy, striving to not lose the job, being evaluated and watched, all that fear-based stuff triggers my PTSD. We're taught to have a sense of accomplishment by making other people money, and not actually being partners in the business, and that seems misguided. It's like using people and throwing them away, throwing them out with nothing. Plus this society's whole Puritan work ethic thing is scary to me, they make dissociation through workaholism acceptable and I don't believe it is.

I'm so glad that you are making meaningful connections with other people. To me, this is still a difficult task.

I think as long as there are people, groups of people, there will be politics, because underlying politics is a battle for power, and we have the battle because different people have different degrees of disempowerment.

Yeah, there are workaholics, and things become really fun when they are your boss. Have you heard about the theory of soul age? I think workaholics have a younger soul age.

I also have problems with evaluation of my job performance. Actually, what I have the most difficulty is to "work!" I don't want to work. >_<! I am not sure if I can get around that.