I Needed a Laugh Today ~

[slowsnake]

There were two gonads being hung for being lookouts during a bank robbery, the sheriff caught both of them,one says to the other on the scaffold,

Why should we hang when **** done all the shooting!

[Joyce]

I LOVE this thread, and today I thought there was only one reply (one email notification).

One of my favorite funny movies is: The Dream Team (Michael Keaton, Christopher Lloyd, Peter Boyle, Stephen Furst to name the team :). "If they knew the city was this crazy, they would have stayed in the asylum."

Wish I had time to write something funny . . later

Hope they keep comin' in

[Starman]

Money doesn’t talk anymore. It just goes without saying.

A will is a dead giveaway.

The person who said, “it’s as easy as taking candy from a baby” never had a baby.

A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.

The one book that really tells you where you can go on vacation is your checkbook.

[Starman]

This is from a book titled "A Whack on the Side of the Head."

LIFE IS LIKE...

Life is like a bagel. It’s delicious when it’s fresh and warm, but often it’s just hard.
The hole in the middle is its great mystery, and yet it wouldn’t be a bagel without it.

Life is like an unassembled abacus. It’s what you make of it that counts.

Life is like eating grapefruit. First, you have to break through the skin; then it takes
a couple of bites to get used to the taste, and just as you begin to enjoy it, it squirts
you in the eye.

Life is like a maze in which you try to avoid the exit.

Life is like a banana. You start out green and get soft and mushy with age. Some
people want to be one of the bunch while others what to be top banana. You have
to take care not to slip on externals. And, finally, you have to strip off the
outer coating to get at the meat.

Life is like riding an elevator. It has allot of ups and downs and someone is always
pushing your buttons. Sometimes you get the shaft, but what really bothers you are the jerks.

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle but you don’t have the picture on the front of the box to know
what it’s suppose to look like. Sometimes, you’re not even sure if you have all the pieces.

Life is like cooking. It all depends on what you add and how you mix it. Sometimes you follow
the recipe and at other times, you’re creative.

Life is like a puppy dog always searching for a street full of fire hydrants.

Life is like a poker game. You deal or are dealt to. It includes skill and luck. You bet, check,
bluff, and raise. You learn from those you play with. Sometimes, you win with a pair or lose
with a full house. But whatever happens, it’s best to keep on shuffling along.

[Aube Borealis]

Dumb and dumber jumped in the elevator.

Elevator attendant: what floor sir?

Dumb: Top floor, please

Dumb: * (poking Dumber and whispered) when are we going to pay?

Dumber: *( irritated and whispered) just wait!*

Dumb: (whispered). *when?!

Dumber: (angrily said) just wait! He has not given our tickets yet!

[Aube Borealis]

Sharing Peanuts!!!


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highwaywhen he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

[slowsnake]

A guy walks into a bar,sits down and orders a beer and a shot of whisky.
The barman gives him his drinks,the guy drunk his beer in two mouthfuls and then tipped the whisky in his top pocket!
He orders the same half a dozen times,two gulps and the beers gone,shot of whisky in the top pocket!

This guy is getting pretty well drunk and the barman refused to serve him!
The guy starts arguing with him and the barman told the drunk guy to leave the premises,the drunk guy tells the barman to come outside and fight him!
Just as he said that, a little mouse popped its head out of his top pocket,and said to the barman "and bring your bloody cat”.

Kind Regards Billy

[Joyce]

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.
(pause)
"Hey . . it could happen.

[RedEmbers]

Originally Posted by Starman

This is from a book titled "A Whack on the Side of the Head."

LIFE IS LIKE...


Life is like a jigsaw puzzle but you don’t have the picture on the front of the box to know
what it’s suppose to look like. Sometimes, you’re not even sure if you have all the pieces.
.

Haha...that quote sums up my life and makes it seem funny haha

Well, this nun walked into our local haberdashery and tried to shoplift an entire
bale of black cloth.

The manager caught her, took her into the office and started calling the police.

She pleaded and pleaded, promised she'd never do it again
so finally he relented.

He said, "All right. I'll let you off this time. But don't make a habit of it."


♥