Dreams about abusive ex

[ohno22]

I'm really disturbed by these dreams. Nothing special happens in them, except my ex is in them. He is just there.

We were in a very unhealthy relationship and I ended it three years ago. Honestly, it is so over between us, because he was very abusive to me. We are in no contact and there is nothing in this world that would make me to speak to him ever again. He represents everything I don't want in life. Zero.

Despite having such attitude towards him, I have forgiven him and would be glad if he got mentally healthy. In reality, he is just getting worse.

So, why do I dream about him? I had dozens of such dreams where he wants something with me, either friendship, either more, and I just stand still and say nothing. In most dreams I don't even look at him and I run away from him or keep distance. I ask myself in my dream why is this happening and how come he is here? It just doesn't make sense.

These dreams are not nightmares, and I feel neutral in them, although I have negative opinion about him in dreams as in real life too.

Obviously, subconsciously, I want nothing with him, otherwise we would be doing things in dreams, right? Consciously, I'm done with him long ago.

When I wake up, I feel agitated and resentful about what I dreamt, because I don't want to have such dreams, I don't want to spent any time or energy on him. I feel invaded. Why would my mind create such dream?

I would understand if I had hidden feelings or wishes about him and me, but I don't. Honestly, I if found out he died, I would feel the same as for a complete stranger.

This has been going on for over a year. Can anyone suggest what can I do about it to make it stop? Why do I have those dreams? What is the meaning?

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

imagine if he were "a complete stranger"... maybe someone you passed
on the street, or someone standing in line near you at the grocery store.
if that complete stranger were to 'want something from you', would you
simply ignore them, or run away? [i doubt it.] the point of your dreams may
be that he's not being granted the 'common decency' that you would show
towards a random stranger... you still hold judgments against him.
your judgments hold no power over his life experience (in all likelihood),
but they do cause you a degree of distress, if only through dreams.

if you think of his dream character as representing something within yourself
which carries the burden of being unforgiven, you'll be on your way towards
self-forgiveness (for having allowed that relationship?), and that ought to
eliminate those dreams.

[ohno22]

Originally Posted by H:O:R:A:C:E

imagine if he were "a complete stranger"... maybe someone you passed
on the street, or someone standing in line near you at the grocery store.
if that complete stranger were to 'want something from you', would you
simply ignore them, or run away? [i doubt it.] the point of your dreams may
be that he's not being granted the 'common decency' that you would show
towards a random stranger... you still hold judgments against him.
your judgments hold no power over his life experience (in all likelihood),
but they do cause you a degree of distress, if only through dreams.

if you think of his dream character as representing something within yourself
which carries the burden of being unforgiven, you'll be on your way towards
self-forgiveness (for having allowed that relationship?), and that ought to
eliminate those dreams.

Thank you.

I've forgiven myself long time ago. I didn't do anything wrong. There is nothing to forgive. I allowed that relationship and I got out when I decided enough is enough. I don't feel guilty at all.

Having judgements is protecting me. Every time I used to put down my guard he would use it against me and try to infiltrate back to my life. He is not in my life anymore, but I do see him from time to time in certain occasions due to work. It's complicated. We don't talk thought and I pretend he's a ghost. So, how do I let go of judgements?

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

Originally Posted by ohno22

Thank you.

I've forgiven myself long time ago. I didn't do anything wrong. There is nothing to forgive. I allowed that relationship and I got out when I decided enough is enough. I don't feel guilty at all.

Having judgements is protecting me. Every time I used to put down my guard he would use it against me and try to infiltrate back to my life. He is not in my life anymore, but I do see him from time to time in certain occasions due to work. It's complicated. We don't talk thought and I pretend he's a ghost. So, how do I let go of judgements?

it's sounding like you're coping well in waking life, and that you have a
level-headed perspective on your situation. they say "once bitten, twice
shy", and you seem to have good cause for being reluctant to allow the
abuse to return. i believe it to be wisdom which recognizes that you've
done no wrongs, and that you've got nothing to forgive yourself for.

to release judgments, i'd suggest replacing it with 'discernment', guided
by the wisdom of a loving heart. i view love as the universal panacea for
all ills, though i haven't seen it demonstrated as effective in curing physical
injuries. i imagine love to be the energy of life, provided to all of creation.
the thing about judgments (in a nonlegal/non-mundane sense) is that they
place limitations on the judge, not on anything else... who would freely
choose to be non-free? [to place judgments implies a non-free choice,
meaning no choice at all.]