So I Sabotaged It... :(

To cut a long story short... After meeting my TF a couple of years ago, we went through incredible roller coaster rides, trust issues, abandonment issues, enlightenment, happiness, confusion, the push-pull dance, grief and incredible fear... Only to come to a peaceful place.
He is in a unhappy relationship. I am single.

I am a person who accepted all this, i accept we may not be together, always trying to be grateful for the very brief catch ups, grateful for the connection, that we found each other etc.
Then recently, I began to get mistrustful. I didn't like the fact he could make time for his friends and not for me. I started putting conditions on the relationship.
I got suspicious that he was seeing someone else etc.

I forced our connection onto him by pushing him about his life lessons and happiness and such, after knowing he is fearful of the whole thing and is new to all of this and scared of the emotions.
We ended up having a showdown where he said some really cruel stuff in retaliation to me hurting him, and now he's pushed me away, saying we shouldn't see each other much any more.
He's incredibly hurt. I drove away and looked back at a man with a face etched with misery.

I am smart enough to realize what I have done. It's come to light that I couldn't handle that our relationship was unclassified. But the biggest reason is that I needed and was waiting for him to give me a reason to cut him off a bit because I was tired of hanging onto him, waiting for his contact...feeling the crazy connection, the inability to focus 100% on life, that he was tied to his family and couldn't offer me more...and the fact that we were about to approach a separation period.

So his cruel remarks (stating I am nothing to him but someone to vent to) gave me the fuel to cut off my feelings to alleviate any pain or longing during the separation period, and to move on.

I realize that it's me. And to think I always thought he would be the one to run or sabotage the relationship :(
I'm ashamed.

[smARTistic girl]

I understand.
Sorry. We've all done or said things we regret.
Give it time.

[umbridge]

I so totally get you. We are all spiritual beings in human body And yes, we make mistakes, and its normal..

smartistic girl said right, "give it time"
forgive yourself..
feeling guilty isnt the best feeling. :(

If he is truly your TF, then there is a very good chance that, after some cooling-down time and some time apart, you will find your way back to each other again.
Unfortunately sometimes in TF relationships we do tend to hurt each other due to the intensity of the connection....but I don't think you can totally sever it. Just give him space, and let things calm down....

Ugh--I'm so sorry. I feel your pain! I have been in similar situations with my TF...It's funny that when you're in the thick of feeling all offended and hurt that it makes so much sense to get mad and tell them off--then afterwards it all becomes so obvious that it's all the "ego" stuff...I've noticed that with me, I have to have something like that happen to get to a breakthrough--even though the breakthrough seems so obvious and simple, I just don't see it until I have one of those episodes where I get all unhinged.

The last major one I had, I wrote this crazy email to him and I thought it made perfect sense--he didn't respond at all and I was getting more and more mad. Then suddenly, I realized that I was telling him how I wanted him to feel about me--that was the breakthrough that seems so obvious in retrospect but made so much sense when I was writing it. As soon as I realized this, I wrote another email apologizing. I said how stupid I was to be telling him how he is supposed to feel--of course he can feel anything he wants! Anyway, he was totally fine after that, like the whole ugly episode had never happened.

Maybe for your situation, you could write/say that you weren't thinking straight or whatever and that you're sorry--then just give it time for all that to sink in and hopefully things will get back on track!

I hope that makes sense--I'm writing this on my phone!

True love can not be sabotaged

[gypsymystique]

I did a similar thing to a karmic soul mate. I was really adamant that he fix "his" problems. He was so upset that he won't talk to me anymore, and I don't blame him.

Just forgive yourself and move on. It may come back around again.

I'm so sorry and hope that you will find peace within yourself. <<Hugs>>

I think that you may find that it's possible to recover from this. I suggest that you start the healing process for both of you by writing an apology. He's hurting, you are hurting. Apologizing will help both of you feel more peace, regardless of what happens next.

Now, as someone who has written my share of heat-of-the-moment emails that I regretted, I recommend that you take your time on this one.

Write it from a place of absolute love, thinking only of the other person and what you can do to ease their pain.

I suggest you write outside of email, because the temptation is to great to just hit the send button before you second-guess. I've done several 'crazy' emails myself... But I've found the value in waiting, and reflecting on the words. If you read it again while in a calm and loving place in your mind, you will see if there are words and phrases bathed in fear, or desperation, or anger. Edit those out and make sure your words are bathed in love, compassion, and heartfelt apology.

If you have a very trusted friend to read it first - you might want to do that.

Then send it... without attaching expectations to it. He may not respond, now or ever. He may not even read it. You don't know. But you do know that if it's from your heart, based on love, it will be a positive step in the right direction. And it puts the right vibes into the universe.

My fervent belief is good things happen when you act from a place of unconditional love...

Good luck!

Yes feeling guilty is not a nice feeling. I've tried to keep that emotion out of it, but I still feel my behaviour was necessary for some reason.
It has helped me detach so much more.

A trusted friend made me realize that he did instigate my behaviour.

I love the idea of writing a letter to him, though I want to distance ourselves so we can both cool off and decide where to take it from here.

I guess I'm fed up of just being there when he has 'time', to the point where I could walk away.

Thank you everyone for your wonderful support and sharing your views! Hugs to you.

Originally Posted by BeautifulLife

True love can not be sabotaged

I love this. I know regardless of if we part, this will always be the case.
I hope life is beautiful for you, BeautifulLife.

Originally Posted by Twinflamefound

I love this. I know regardless of if we part, this will always be the case.
I hope life is beautiful for you, BeautifulLife.

A beautiful life is both mine and your birthright. So yes, its beautiful even when the sun doesn't shine since the light of my soul is always bright enough to show me the way.