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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 06-07-2018, 06:42 PM
olhosdeamendoa olhosdeamendoa is offline
Experiencer
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 296
 
He said he wanted a relationship, but now he's too busy

I met a guy on an online dating site, we exchanged a few messages, had a phone call and he asked me out on a date.

The date went really well, we have lots in common, and I really felt a connection there. He said he felt the same, and that he wanted to see me again, asked if I wanted to see him again and I said yes.

He then sent me a message the next day, again saying he wants to see me again sometime. And then stopped messaging and went silent. After a few days, I thought that was weird and sent him a message asking if he's ok since I haven't heard from him in a few days (please notice that before our date he was texting me veeeerryyyy long messages every day and also talking on the phone).

He responded immediately to my message, saying he's been really busy, hectic schedule, blablabla. And that he would like to see me sometime and speak soon.

I didn't know what to think at this point, since I dated before, and I know that when a guy is into you, he doesn't say he wants to see you "sometime", he actually plans a day and time to see you. And he also stays in contact, even if it's just a quick message because he's busy.

Anyway, since I met him, "busy" has been the keyword he says all the time. It kinda just puts you off.

I decided to tell him that I have my own life too, but that I am ready to make time for dating and a relationship, and want someone on the same page. Told him that when he says he's so busy, it makes me wonder if he's really interested.

And told him that yes, he did say he has a busy life, but he also said he wants and is ready for a relationship. To me, this equals to: "I have a busy life but I'm prepared to make dating and a relationship a priority".

Well, it seems that in reality he's not ready to do that, and just wants things on his own terms and when it suits him. So, I told him I don't wish to see him again. He didn't like it, as he said he wanted to see me again and get to know me, but I felt his approach would hurt me in the long run. He also said he can't offer me anything more at this point. I want someone who is truly available, especially mentally and emotionally.

I feel a bit sad now to be honest, because I did really like him and felt we did have a connection. I was excited to see him again soon, but all the "busyness" and silence from him just put me off and I felt I've had to do the best for me.

What can you tell me about this?
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  #2  
Old 07-07-2018, 09:59 PM
FallingLeaves FallingLeaves is offline
Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,385
 
some of us guys have had totally awful experiences with females, so much so that when given the opportunity not to do much of anything we just won't.

Not that we aren't interested or aren't capable of being interested, but more that we just feel deep down like the pain we are going to get out of the situation isn't worth the effort we will have to put into making it work.

But we think we ought to at least try anyway and then it turns into a stalemate where nothing much gets done.

it is like that taylor swift song that goes along for a while with the girl having fun twisting the knife in the guys' heart, then ends with 'boys only want love if its torture, don't say I didn't say I didn't warn ya'.

Maybe it is a lot of fun to a girl to be that way, but to me it is just more emotional abuse heaped on tons of already established emotiootional abuse from my POV and I can't cope with it so I just shut down. And I don't know how to close the door on people who I think will do that to me so just waft in the wind...
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  #3  
Old 08-07-2018, 02:23 PM
SeaZen SeaZen is offline
Master
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 988
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa
I met a guy on an online dating site, we exchanged a few messages, had a phone call and he asked me out on a date.

The date went really well, we have lots in common, and I really felt a connection there. He said he felt the same, and that he wanted to see me again, asked if I wanted to see him again and I said yes.

He then sent me a message the next day, again saying he wants to see me again sometime. And then stopped messaging and went silent. After a few days, I thought that was weird and sent him a message asking if he's ok since I haven't heard from him in a few days (please notice that before our date he was texting me veeeerryyyy long messages every day and also talking on the phone).

He responded immediately to my message, saying he's been really busy, hectic schedule, blablabla. And that he would like to see me sometime and speak soon.

I didn't know what to think at this point, since I dated before, and I know that when a guy is into you, he doesn't say he wants to see you "sometime", he actually plans a day and time to see you. And he also stays in contact, even if it's just a quick message because he's busy.

Anyway, since I met him, "busy" has been the keyword he says all the time. It kinda just puts you off.

I decided to tell him that I have my own life too, but that I am ready to make time for dating and a relationship, and want someone on the same page. Told him that when he says he's so busy, it makes me wonder if he's really interested.

And told him that yes, he did say he has a busy life, but he also said he wants and is ready for a relationship. To me, this equals to: "I have a busy life but I'm prepared to make dating and a relationship a priority".

Well, it seems that in reality he's not ready to do that, and just wants things on his own terms and when it suits him. So, I told him I don't wish to see him again. He didn't like it, as he said he wanted to see me again and get to know me, but I felt his approach would hurt me in the long run. He also said he can't offer me anything more at this point. I want someone who is truly available, especially mentally and emotionally.

I feel a bit sad now to be honest, because I did really like him and felt we did have a connection. I was excited to see him again soon, but all the "busyness" and silence from him just put me off and I felt I've had to do the best for me.

What can you tell me about this?

It could be he is doing what is called "breadcrumbing" in the online dating circles. This means that he is truly busy, but busy going on dates with others and stringing you along in case he doesn't find anyone better and realizes you are the one. That is not the only definition or example of "bread crumbing" google it.

Anyway, IMO, if one is truly interested in someone, you will never be "that busy" where you can't see them or contact them. Even if you are truly very busy, you will find time for a quick phone call to connect or a 15 minute cup of coffee somewhere.
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  #4  
Old 08-07-2018, 02:49 PM
Lorelyen
Posts: n/a
 
It's the acts and deeds that count, not words.
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  #5  
Old 08-07-2018, 04:08 PM
Empowers Empowers is offline
Knower
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 234
 
Along the way to our perfect relationship, and yes they exist, the universe brings us people to show us which direction we are heading. When we can use these 'disappointments' to help us realize how close we truly are, then every person becomes a blessing in our journey. Reflect on how much perfection there was and have gratitude the universe was giving you the opportunity to approve of the direction it's going for you. The next one, then, will be even better.
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  #6  
Old 08-07-2018, 08:02 PM
Lorelyen
Posts: n/a
 
^^^ So what you’re saying is that we expand our experience of relationships with each new relationship? That’s a fair proposition. But I’m not sure everyone learns something when moving on – lots of evidence on the forum, people unable to escape the agony of a break up - so I can’t see how that would lead to certainty when you’ve met Mr Right.. It’s really about that and knowing when you have and how you know he’ll be Mr Right in 30 years’ time.

Is that possible? People aren’t static. Their everyday experiences change them incrementally and the hope is that there’s enough fundamental in common on which the relationship rests so that other changes don’t cause divergence. There’s no reason why they should or that one couldn’t adapt to the other.

I have noticed here though a few instances when someone in a long term relationship has “had a spiritual awakening” or some such causing sufficient divergence to destroy the thing. There’s a forum section where a slant of the spirituality actively encourages people to go for it if they fall head over heels, usually to slake a lust I have to say, wrapped up in all kinds of romantic and pseudo-spiritual excuses ….and sadly, the earlier Miss or Mr Right is left distraught. What lesson can one learn from that? Treat the word "spiritual" with alarm!?

One always hopes Miss or Mr Right is there somewhere but until one has lived with them for a few years in honest contentment it’s hard to be certain
and even then......
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  #7  
Old 08-07-2018, 08:18 PM
inavalan inavalan is offline
Master
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 5,089
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa
I met a guy on an online dating site, we exchanged a few messages, had a phone call and he asked me out on a date.

The date went really well, we have lots in common, and I really felt a connection there. He said he felt the same, and that he wanted to see me again, asked if I wanted to see him again and I said yes.

He then sent me a message the next day, again saying he wants to see me again sometime. And then stopped messaging and went silent. After a few days, I thought that was weird and sent him a message asking if he's ok since I haven't heard from him in a few days (please notice that before our date he was texting me veeeerryyyy long messages every day and also talking on the phone).

He responded immediately to my message, saying he's been really busy, hectic schedule, blablabla. And that he would like to see me sometime and speak soon.

I didn't know what to think at this point, since I dated before, and I know that when a guy is into you, he doesn't say he wants to see you "sometime", he actually plans a day and time to see you. And he also stays in contact, even if it's just a quick message because he's busy.

Anyway, since I met him, "busy" has been the keyword he says all the time. It kinda just puts you off.

I decided to tell him that I have my own life too, but that I am ready to make time for dating and a relationship, and want someone on the same page. Told him that when he says he's so busy, it makes me wonder if he's really interested.

And told him that yes, he did say he has a busy life, but he also said he wants and is ready for a relationship. To me, this equals to: "I have a busy life but I'm prepared to make dating and a relationship a priority".

Well, it seems that in reality he's not ready to do that, and just wants things on his own terms and when it suits him. So, I told him I don't wish to see him again. He didn't like it, as he said he wanted to see me again and get to know me, but I felt his approach would hurt me in the long run. He also said he can't offer me anything more at this point. I want someone who is truly available, especially mentally and emotionally.

I feel a bit sad now to be honest, because I did really like him and felt we did have a connection. I was excited to see him again soon, but all the "busyness" and silence from him just put me off and I felt I've had to do the best for me.

What can you tell me about this?

Move on!

It just wasn't meant to be. Don't force it!

I've never seen a relationship that started badly and improved later. It is neither your, nor his fault: things just didn't work out. You don't want to invest even more time and emotions, so that later to get stuck because you don't want to lose what you've already invested.

I have a relative that met his future wife on one of the best dating sites. We all concluded that date sites might really do a good job after all. But, after less than a couple of years, they divorced acrimoniously. Although initially they seemed a perfect match, that was only at a superficial level, which actually hid a wide mismatch.
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  #8  
Old 08-07-2018, 08:24 PM
Empowers Empowers is offline
Knower
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 234
 
You are right, Lorelyen, people are complex. It's also not certain that people following a spiritual path maintain a sense of boundaries. The attitude that I encourage is not always something that people can have right away, broken hearts and broken dreams deserve mourning. It is my hope that gently believing that what could not be is providing something as valuable, in the long run, will help people find gratitude instead of sorrow eventually, and ultimately be healthier for the individual.

You are right though, many people do not build on their experiences and, like the idea from George Santayana, people who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
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  #9  
Old 09-07-2018, 06:44 AM
olhosdeamendoa olhosdeamendoa is offline
Experiencer
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 296
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Empowers
Along the way to our perfect relationship, and yes they exist, the universe brings us people to show us which direction we are heading. When we can use these 'disappointments' to help us realize how close we truly are, then every person becomes a blessing in our journey. Reflect on how much perfection there was and have gratitude the universe was giving you the opportunity to approve of the direction it's going for you. The next one, then, will be even better.

You are spot on!

I feel that's exactly the reason why this guy appeared in my life, to show me where I am and which direction I am heading.

I'll explain: years ago I have met and got involved with guys similar to this one. My ex-husband for example, was always "busy" and always had other priorities that came before our relationship or his family.

I suffered tremendously because of this, and was one of the reasons we ended. Other guys also had this pattern, where they would be so busy and I would be waiting and waiting for them to give me some crumbs of attention and have the "honour" to spend some time with them.

I wouldn't even tell them how I feel or what I want, affraid of losing them.

That's how bad my self-esteem and self-worth used to be.

I've been in a massive spiritual journey, and nowadays I don't just look at the other person, or pattern, but to what is happening inside me and why I attracted something or someone.

I have a healthy self-esteem and know very well my worth nowadays because basically I give to myself everything I need, no need to get it from someone else like before.

So, when I met this guy, I did feel some kind of familiar energy. We went on a date, lots in common, got on really well, and then the pattern surfaced and it was obvious to me why his energy felt familiar, because of all the others in the past.

But this time I responded in a completely different way than before. I acknowledged the situation, saw him for who he is (not with the rose-tinted glasses as before) and said to myself "this is not what I want".

Then I told him that. I told him what I am looking for in a partner and relationship and that I can see we want different things and we're not a match. And said goodbye. Simple.

No drama, no waiting "to see how he is", nothing.

Then afterwards I processed it internally and it clicked that the reason why I attracted this guy was exactly for me to see how much I have changed and how much I love myself now. And also how easy it is for me now to say no.

In the past I would desperately hang on to "the connection" I felt with him, thinking that if we have that connection, I need to hold on to him because we have something special.

Today, I value my well-being and how I feel a LOT more than I value any connection with anyone else. The connection with myself is the priority.

So from this place, is really easy to see if someone is right for me or not. I'm used now to feel good in my every day life, so something that feels off or not good, becomes very obvious.

So yes, I am grateful for him to come and show me this, how much I evolved and the place I am now.

I feel I am becoming the right partner for myself, and possibly for the right person when he appears.
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  #10  
Old 15-07-2018, 03:52 PM
linen53 linen53 is offline
Master
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 14,332
 
All very level headed thoughts o.

I used to be clingy in relationships. Needy. But I'm not anymore. I have become very independent in my thinking. I don't look to another for my emotional needs. I look to myself.

But I still attract people to me that are "busy". But being able to stand on my own two feet allows me to accept that they are busy (which, really they are, it's not an excuse).

I think this is just one of my lessons that I came here to tackle. And the busyness is merely going to be a continuing theme throughout this lifetime to make sure I stay independent. So I've learned not to take it personally.
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