Haiku for Sean 3/3/87 ~ 2/14/10

[Silver]

Just Another Day

When I put on my make-up, I think of you.
'Cause of that trick you taught me everytime I do.
When I'm about to go shopping, I think of you.
We went so many places - together.
We argued sometimes - but we're birds of a feather.

A while back, I made promises not to cry quite so much.
Your spirit's around - now you know the fierce mother-son bond,
I've no doubt you cut me some slack...but I simply can't help it.
My tears for you...well, there'll never be a lack.
What is golden always shimmers.

By Carol Yothers ~
for my Sean

[Silver]

I love you, honey
the universe is not big
enough for it all.

[Silver]

In perusing the Quotable SF Members, I ran across this and wanted to put it here>

No amount of logic, reason, and distancing in the world will take away your pain if a loved one dies, you will still feel it, it will be the undercurrent in your every thought, and it will hang about your heart in a sullen shadow. ~Raradolly

[Silver]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Silver]

Originally Posted by Silvergirl

My grandmother lived with the fam growing up. She learned how to sew by hand at age 12. She became a great seamstress and could make anything from doll clothes to wedding gowns. I remember the many times we went shopping and watching as big giant bolts of fabric were rolled out and measured and cut, and all the 'notions', such as zig-zag brick-a-brack (heehee that tickles), a sewer would know what that is...the buttons, zippers even. It's fun and warm to reminisce about my grandma and her talent at sewing. By the time I was a teen, I tried my hand at a few things, some of which were actually wearable, rofl. Yeah, I got lucky a few times.

..I got to thinking about our lives ~ in terms of each of our lives is like a blueprint ~ or a bolt of fabric. Are all of our lives 'done' before we're born? When the fabric runs out on each of our 'bolts' our lives are over? Or do we choose here and there, this and that, the events and choices in our lives? My son's ran out before mine. I cried a lot at that thought.

I think about us on this internet meeting place, comparing our 'bolts', what's your life like? How long will it end up being? I was woken up by being in a position where I could hear the blood coursing through my cluttered carotid artery. I wonder when's something in my head gonna explode and there I go. Why did my son's bolt run out first when mine should have. Now what? It still don't feel right. Now what do I do with myself? His life brought so much meaning to mine. His life was my life. In spite of how bad things were going. I 'willed' his life to be good...get better...it -didn't- work. Sigh. I wished so much for his life to be good. Just like any parent.

I'm 'editing' this previous post - the middle paragraphs were sort of extraneous.

[Silver]

I was just looking at my computer desk and thinking I should straighten this mess up and I have my son's little blue work schedule book because I can't get rid of it. I hold it to my chest and then my forehead - even though it seems a little silly - and then some tears come.......having a job and earning his very own spending money was the thing just as it is for all average young men. It is so heartbreaking I can hardly stand it. I kept one or two of his name tags for work - then threw them away because you can only keep so much stuff....

Whenever I see his handwriting I want to keep it. I've run across things he did for school when he was young. It is so hard to carry on. It is said time stops for no one - and then some here say time is an illusion. Thank god for that.

[Dragonfly1]

(((hugs))) silvergirl.....my heart is with you in your times of remembrance and the pain that comes with it...many blessings and love xxxx

[Silver]

Much obliged, Dragonfly.

Hi SG, I can't pretend to know the depth of the pain you have been passing through. Yet I recently made the decision to leave my children, after the pain of staying in a marriage that was over was greater than the pain of leaving and yet the pain of leaving is immeasurable. Either way it is the pain of loss and separation and transition. God bless you, your love shines through maybe more than you realize.

[Silver]

It's an honor for you - and anyone to pay a visit here and express their condolances. And I deeply feel for your pain, Buzz, of having felt the impetus to do something totally against your own loving nature.