Quote:
|
Originally Posted by emeraldheart
One of the things I've found to to be the most challanging over the past few years (sigh  ) of this journey is to be faced with a mirror showing me everything I have ever rejected in myself... mainly my gifts - my potential.
It is at times a little bit freaky to see so many core similarities in terms of gifts, personal mission, energy and potential reflected to me through another person.
This morning I had to release and forgive some blocks around this huge rejection of myself.
For me to contemplate claiming more of what is mine there was a part of me which would see that reflection and be afraid that what I saw wasn't really 'mine'
I felt like a fraud every time I contemplated reclaiming all of my gifts... I was afraid that I would be able to seperate this overshadowing reflection and put my own voice... my own energetic fingerprint... my own essence into it without taking something which I felt I was not entitled to.
I already knew that alot of this came down to childhood wounds... and wounds stemming from social conditioning in the church establishment I was raised in.
It was an environment where self expression was the first thing to be taken and the last thing to ever get back.
To be able to freely express oneself and be known by others is the first step to getting to know oneself.
So when my heart catalyst- my divine mirror came through- who was the first person to see the real me and hold up the mirror for me to see I became frightened because of the social programming to not be seen.
In claiming my right to self expression - my right to be seen - my right to my voice - my right to access and live from the core of my true essence I worried that I was being a fraud!!
That my gifts are not mine! That they only belonged to my mirrorsoul and only he had right and access to them!
It's all totally crazy I know.
These blocks have been very heavy for me to shift but there is a strong urgency in me to keep going because I am no longer wanting to be held captive .
I've shared past lives with this soul where I continued to be held captive by my beliefs about my own lack of freedom and sovreinty.
I feel overshadowed by this reflection- which is odd because everything I see is mine to claim (in terms of my own soul song... not in terms of a person)... to put my signature on and to make my own.
I wonder how much of this is stemming from wounds in the feminine... wounds in the inner child or is this just collective junk?
The term 'children should be seen and not heard' could also apply to women in the past.
But when 'seen they were never really seen as whole in their own rights.
Like I said - I've spent all morning forgiving MYSELF for the limitations I've been placing in my life...
And I'm making a point now to dwell in the spark of my own soul as I remember it before I rejected it.
It is something which is taking alot of strength to step out of... and each day I try to feel my way into the next step of empowerment... claiming that which is mine and expressing myself authentically even though the tendancy is to feel so afraid of truely being seen.
There is a sense of feeling deeply 'shunned... yet a stronger sense of needing to gently emerge from behind centuries of living in shadows...
Like a debt is ready to be paid with my willingness to claim what I owe myself in this life.
I feel afraid that this is all an allusion on my part - that once I get myself out of my trap I'll be caught again.
I want to run... and not get caught again... yet i feel I must
Face myself... and the traps i built.
Upon feeling further into it -
The biggest trap of all... has been the total disconnection and alienation from my core self...
From that core self essence - it's all mine to claim without fear or shame |
I wanted to reply sooner, but I kept resonating more and more with each reply that was posted. As I've previously mentioned on the forum, I met my mirror soulmate a little over a year ago. And while it's been a beautiful journey, it's definitely been filled with challenges.
I'm rather young (26) and for all that I've been through in my life (chronic pain, depression, anxiety, childhood trauma, etc), I can't say that I've ever "found myself" or the true essence of who I am. I know it's inside of me somewhere, but I'm just beginning the process of digging everything out and sorting through it all.
Really, the process of discovering myself through spirituality began with my SM. As my exact mirror (identical personalities, life paths, beliefs, mannerisms, etc) seeing my reflection in him, prompted me towards doing the inner work necessary to heal. But, it is challenging to heal when you've lost the essence of yourself. Or, better yet, never really had that essence to begin with. It really makes you wonder what you're exactly looking at when you look into your SM's (or twin flame's) eyes.
Every week, I watch the Twin Flame 1111 tarot card reading on YouTube. I believe the reader's name is Karen. While I'm not in a TF relationship, I find that the energies of both the DM and the DF still resonate strongly in soulmate relationships. Any how, if you get a chance to watch the reading online, I love how she described the "child orphan" phenomenon. It's similar to what you wrote about children not needing to be seen nor heard and I found her interpretation to be quite profound.
Essentially, the child orphan is pretty self explanatory with feelings of rejection and abandonment being the major themes. But, the card also has to do with children not feeling emotionally supported by their parents. The parents were present physically, but not emotionally. The child grows up feeling as though there are these imaginary walls where yes, needs are being met from a physiological standpoint, but really no one was really there for them. You become lonely, isolated, self-reliant, and learn to hold everything in for fear that your emotions will never be reciprocated or validated by other people.
Is it right to say that in a sense, growing up in that manner, we de-validate (word?) ourselves? How can we learn to give ourselves that which we've never been given? By far, that's been probably one of the biggest things that I've been struggling with throughout this journey.
For me, I know that my soulmate is my reflection. It is me who I'm looking at. But, at the same time, I feel like "That can't possibly be me!" And, I'm always afraid of getting trapped in that reflection, regardless of how beautiful it is.
In a lot of ways, I've been rather stubborn throughout this process. I feel myself desperately clinging on to the girl that I see myself as. Worthless, depressed, a "nobody," the list goes on and on. It's not that I want to maintain any of those images. I want desperately to heal and grow, but I am horrified of seeing myself in a light that I've never seen myself in before. My negative self image has always been who I am, as terrible as that sounds. Moving beyond that, I feel that I am being a fraud or "playing a role." And, I'm terrified of disconnecting from that because I feel so lost in my life.
To be honest, my mirror soulmate is the first person in my life who's seen me in spite of all of my flaws, insecurities, imperfections, etc. He's the only person who's seen my deeper essence and who has been so supportive in helping me work through the process of uncovering this image for myself.
I still have a long way to go, but I'm trying as hard as I can to take this journey one step at a time. Figured I would at least add my two cents in for now
. As much as a headache as all of this can be, it's such a relief to begin to pull off all these layers and cut all these chains. Definitely been weighing me down for far too long
I have to express some LOVE here hahaha! Man oh lordy LORD I had a massive day and then night of getting right into some of these repressed shadow aspects... which I was diving into with GLEE!
Linear Mode
