Help - Too Sensitive to Be Alive

[Whiterabbit11]

I have a few women like this in my family. I just try to stay away if i am able to, which saddens me at times because i miss them, atleast how they can be when they arent trying to control me and get A ****y attitude. One i cant help being around because we live together, and i am afraid her severe anxiety and short temper are beginning to rub off on me... I know its not who i am and who i used to be, but i think i have absorbed so much of this energy it is just swimming in me :( i am working with sage / palo santo to clense my energy when i can (ironically this person i am referring to doesnt want me to smudge inside the house and hates the smell of it)

[Baile]

Originally Posted by Whiterabbit11

I just try to stay away if i am able to, which saddens me at times because i miss them, atleast how they can be when they arent trying to control me

I would say that's a good starting point for your examination. Stay away when you need to, and only come back (because you do miss them) if and when they agree to stop trying to control you. And if they can't or won't stop controlling you, stay away, and know that being sad is the price you have to pay for your self-respect and sanity.

If you're "too sensitive," you will have to make these tough calls with people, all your life. That's going to be part of your learning in this lifetime. And we all come here to learn something.

[BeaconOfLight]

Oh I so relate with this topic

First thing it came to mind was the word assertiveness.

I keep having the same kind of struggle, even though not with that type of personality. I do believe these experiences keep appearing to us until we literally learn the lesson. One thing I noticed so far is that the more we ignore, the more it will come to us, it is abnormally amazing.

You might not feel that it is the case, but still if it somehow resonates with you, you might find useful the book "Assertiveness for Earth Angels", by Doreen Virtue. I improved a lot with her piece of advice.

Wishing you peace

[WindWater]

Your description does sound horrible, I would feel the urge the flee as fast as I can as well. I would have as much difficulties with it as you have. I am really trying to learn how to cope with these things as well.
So, I do not know the right answer but I can tell you what I would tell myself at this time. (actually listening to myself and feeling the power of it would be the second and harder part).

What I would tell myself is to stand tall before her, figuratively. You are no less, you are equal to her.
Look at her straight into her eyes whenever she talks to you, not in a mean or angry way but with calm assertive observing awareness. Observe as if she is something curious and odd, like a scientist if you will, as if you want to know all about the odd behaviour :)
It instinctively will let her know that her effort to overpower you is not working. You are not afraid of her. People that are afraid look away, or have no calm awareness in their expression.
Maybe it will help to change her overpowering behavior.
If not, thats ok. You are sensitive, and can see the true person. Calmly observing what it truly is, can lessen fear. Because you see the truth. And that is that you are equal. And that you are in control.

Another way could be.
You can also choose to respond to her as how an adult would handle a teenager that is behaving without respect.
Take it really serious give it some weight and ask her sit her down with you for a moment, you want to talk to her.
Then you tell her that her tone of voice and her way of acting is putting you off, and causing you to dislike the lessons. Then simply ask her why she does that.

Sometimes people are caught off guard a bit with such a direct and honest question. It could show her that you are not afraid of her, and again, that you are equal. Talking to her adult to adult.

I know its easier said then done, I have major troubles with this as well. So maybe my answer does not help. I am not even able to do it myself.
But I often tell myself that this is what I 'should' do, especially the first one. Whenever I am afraid of someone, or the effect the person will have on me, I should look straight into the eyes and observe the person. The more you see, the smaller the fear can get.
I try to practice that.

[Hadarian]

Hello. Thank you all for replying to me. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

As expected, the woman in question told me I could not do the job. It was upsetting, but at the same time, a relief. I have moved on now and am, once again, looking for work. I am hoping to be more aware, not make a decision on the spot again and take time to explore any changes of heart I experience and determine why I had them, lest I fall into another hellish situation like this again.

Having said that, I don't consider how I manifested my reaction to her as being a problem. It's the fact that I attract her at all into my life that is the problem. Since I had been working with her for a few days, I had plenty of time to react in different ways to her. You can't just stop and stare at her, or assert yourself to her--or you can, but so what? It's not like it has any effect. Two times I got so frustrated with her shouting at me what to do or shoving me out of the way to do the task herself that I raised my voice and shouted back at her "how am I supposed to learn to do any of this when you never even give me the freedom to do anything by myself?!!" It made her aware of her behavior for the immediate subsequent...30 seconds or so and then she was on top of me again. These people do not stop for you just because you stop and stare at them calmly. They hurry you up, push you out of the way, yell at you, while you stand there staring at them calmly.

How you respond is not the issue. She is how she is and it is how she is that is the problem, because how I react to her does not cause me to suffer less from her frantic energy. I still go home at night and have to lie in bed, nearly dead, for the whole next day just to get the life back that she sucked out of me.

The question is how to stop attracting such people into my life entirely, not how do I learn how to live with such a person. I am alone in my life. I live alone, completely alone, by choice. I don't have to have a person like that in my life. I made a mistake--I said yes to a job I knew from the start I should have said no to, and I paid the price. I hope I learned enough to avoid it again.

Maybe the ideal would be to not have a nervous system that was as sensitive as mine, or to have some way to protect the nervous system from people like her, but I don't feel that I have the ability or access to such a skill, if it is even possible.

@Whiterabbit: I'm sorry about your situation. I feel grateful, in that the family doesn't care much about me, so I can stay far away from them and still maintain what, to them, is a satisfactory amount of contact with them. I can't really relate to missing them, though. But there are times when I feel really lonely, especially when going through something bad like this and I have no one to talk to. Can't even call the mother to talk anymore, as she is always busy with "important" things, and we have become even more estranged (as if that were possible). That's why I came on here instead. I'm glad I did and I'm grateful for your company and all of your replies.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by Hadarian

Maybe the ideal would be to not have a nervous system that was as sensitive as mine

That is a good observation, everyone's "nervous system" and ability to deal with peoples' unpleasant energy is different, and that needs to be taken into account. I found the solution for me was to only put myself in life situations that are in alignment with what I am able and willing to put up with. I had to change my career in fact; the one I was in was too stressful and full of aggressive people. I couldn't deal with that particular work environment any longer.

[lancing]

Hadarian,

Don't want to hijack your thread, love, because it's beautiful. But it prevents me from starting one of my own, which I almost did. However, I saw yours first! *shrugs*

Anyway, I can relate to this completely! It's amazing that I'm reading this right now. Recently, I've been tasked with taking care of my mother after surgery, which she volunteered me for. My mother is A LOT like the woman you're describing...and I guess I'm a lot like you. My whole life she made me feel incompetent and not good enough, and when I'm yelled at or pressured I get really nervous and afraid I'm not doing anything right.

Her first day out of surgery she was yelling at me and asking me if I was scared, trying to make me move faster, telling me I wasn't doing anything right, blaming me for her pain and being really impatient. The whole night and whole day was spent waiting on her hand and foot (I'm so tired right now). At one time she even told me I wasn't helping at all, which brought tears to my eyes. However, I was patient with her. Not just because she's my mother and she's sick and human beings need kindness and understanding, but because dealing with her my whole life has taught me diplomacy in assertiveness and patience with almost everyone. (I've dealt with a few people like her). It's a process. I'm sorry I don't know how else to describe it. But when someone's communicating in a way that...IMO isn't productive...I simply communicate with them in my own way until eventually they start to communicate with me in the same manner. I know, I know this is almost impossible to do with some people...but hell it's worth a try.

Being patient and diplomatic always works with my mother, but all people are different! (This scenario is quite different as well) I kept up my unnerved approach (**** was not easy), and eventually she began to be more gentle, moved slowly with me when she realized it was probably the best idea and stopped yelling and insulting me. She even thanked god for me, and thanked me. Anyway, that's actually not where I was going with that. By the time I was able to lie down for a nap, I was completely drained and I cried a lot because her energy and even her nurse's energy had overwhelmed me. I never even got to sleep. The worst part of it all is that I'm so empathetic (I guess) that I can actually feel her pain...and it hurts! Could be psychological, but it feels quite physiological.

My sister is also like my mother and I can't stand to be around her because her energy literally prickles and stabs at me. So I get where you're coming from. People's feelings hit me like a ton of bricks in the chest, they're erratic thoughts give me headaches and I feel like there are a lot of people who soak up my energy, which actually doesn't bother me because I know that they need it and I'm able to recuperate well. But by the end of the day, I feel like a ragdoll and I'm completely drained and totally emotional. I seem to just always want to be alone!

Kudos to you for dealing with that nurse at all. You are very brave and very strong. Like some of the other people here...I think the universe has led you to this while protecting you at the same time. Perhaps there are some things that you needed to see and some new approaches that you needed to learn for protecting your own energy while asserting yourself physically but in a non-aggressive manner. That woman has taught some vital lessons - how not to behave, how not to communicate, how not to train, how not to take your general frustration out on others, and most importantly...how not to react! These lessons could have divine timing. Heh, you never know!

Love to you!

Good luck in your job hunt and in your hunt to find people who are more...chill.

[Hadarian]

Originally Posted by lancing

Hadarian,

Don't want to hijack your thread, love, because it's beautiful. But it prevents me from starting one of my own, which I almost did. However, I saw yours first! *shrugs*

It's ok with me - I've reached a place of resolution now . I don't know how strict the moderators on this site are though.

Anyway, I can relate to this completely! It's amazing that I'm reading this right now. Recently, I've been tasked with taking care of my mother after surgery, which she volunteered me for. My mother is A LOT like the woman you're describing...and I guess I'm a lot like you. My whole life she made me feel incompetent and not good enough, and when I'm yelled at or pressured I get really nervous and afraid I'm not doing anything right.

... At one time she even told me I wasn't helping at all, which brought tears to my eyes. However, I was patient with her. Not just because she's my mother and she's sick and human beings need kindness and understanding, but because dealing with her my whole life has taught me diplomacy in assertiveness and patience with almost everyone.

Being patient and diplomatic always works with my mother, but all people are different! (This scenario is quite different as well) I kept up my unnerved approach (**** was not easy), and eventually she began to be more gentle, moved slowly with me when she realized it was probably the best idea and stopped yelling and insulting me. She even thanked god for me, and thanked me. Anyway, that's actually not where I was going with that. By the time I was able to lie down for a nap, I was completely drained and I cried a lot because her energy and even her nurse's energy had overwhelmed me. I never even got to sleep. The worst part of it all is that I'm so empathetic (I guess) that I can actually feel her pain...and it hurts! Could be psychological, but it feels quite physiological.

Wow... after posting this thread, I realize how lucky I am that I don't have family members who are like this. They are still very detrimental to me, so I keep a safe distance, but... in a sense they are completely the opposite, meaning that they are so uninterested in me that they treat me like I'm invisible and they don't really care to stay in touch that much or pay any attention to me, which in a way is kind of the opposite of this.

You must have the strength and patience of a saint.

My sister is also like my mother and I can't stand to be around her because her energy literally prickles and stabs at me. So I get where you're coming from. People's feelings hit me like a ton of bricks in the chest, they're erratic thoughts give me headaches and I feel like there are a lot of people who soak up my energy, which actually doesn't bother me because I know that they need it and I'm able to recuperate well. But by the end of the day, I feel like a ragdoll and I'm completely drained and totally emotional. I seem to just always want to be alone!

Rag doll is a good description. I don't recuperate very easily. I mean, I literally lose days off my life, if not at the end of my life, then I have to take one or two days in bed to recover my life force and have no strength for anything, not to be emotional either. I'm just a limp body.

Kudos to you for dealing with that nurse at all. You are very brave and very strong. Like some of the other people here...I think the universe has led you to this while protecting you at the same time.

She wasn't even a nurse. She was the sister of the patient and therefore had her tentacles in every minute aspect of the sister's care. "Strong" is a word that is almost never used to describe me. I don't think I was strong, I think I was the opposite of strong. I've always had a lot of problems dealing with the definition of this word "strong"... so much that I've analyzed it from many different perspectives and just become confused.

Perhaps there are some things that you needed to see and some new approaches that you needed to learn for protecting your own energy while asserting yourself physically but in a non-aggressive manner. That woman has taught some vital lessons - how not to behave, how not to communicate, how not to train, how not to take your general frustration out on others, and most importantly...how not to react! These lessons could have divine timing. Heh, you never know!

What I learned was that if I have a sudden change of heart, I need to stop and analyze what caused it, because my first inclination about this woman and this job was RIGHT and I lived to regret that I took the job. On the other hand, had I not taken this job, I would have taken a different one that I had been offered just afterwards and my criteria for the job I am looking for has changed since then, so that other job no longer meets my criteria, so that might not have turned out so well either--I don't know though, I'll never know now.

Love to you!

Good luck in your job hunt and in your hunt to find people who are more...chill.

Thanks Good luck with your mother - you seem to have a good handle on that situation though.

@Baile: I hadn't thought about the nervous system before either, but I recently had a session with some "channeled entities" who told me that I suffer this way that I do in circumstances where others don't suffer, because my nervous system is extra sensitive. I really don't know what to do about that... But it certainly explains a lot of suffering I've had in my life and why others don't suffer as much.

[lancing]

Originally Posted by Hadarian

It's ok with me - I've reached a place of resolution now . I don't know how strict the moderators on this site are though.



Wow... after posting this thread, I realize how lucky I am that I don't have family members who are like this. They are still very detrimental to me, so I keep a safe distance, but... in a sense they are completely the opposite, meaning that they are so uninterested in me that they treat me like I'm invisible and they don't really care to stay in touch that much or pay any attention to me, which in a way is kind of the opposite of this.

You must have the strength and patience of a saint.



Rag doll is a good description. I don't recuperate very easily. I mean, I literally lose days off my life, if not at the end of my life, then I have to take one or two days in bed to recover my life force and have no strength for anything, not to be emotional either. I'm just a limp body.



She wasn't even a nurse. She was the sister of the patient and therefore had her tentacles in every minute aspect of the sister's care. "Strong" is a word that is almost never used to describe me. I don't think I was strong, I think I was the opposite of strong. I've always had a lot of problems dealing with the definition of this word "strong"... so much that I've analyzed it from many different perspectives and just become confused.




What I learned was that if I have a sudden change of heart, I need to stop and analyze what caused it, because my first inclination about this woman and this job was RIGHT and I lived to regret that I took the job. On the other hand, had I not taken this job, I would have taken a different one that I had been offered just afterwards and my criteria for the job I am looking for has changed since then, so that other job no longer meets my criteria, so that might not have turned out so well either--I don't know though, I'll never know now.



Thanks Good luck with your mother - you seem to have a good handle on that situation though.

@Baile: I hadn't thought about the nervous system before either, but I recently had a session with some "channeled entities" who told me that I suffer this way that I do in circumstances where others don't suffer, because my nervous system is extra sensitive. I really don't know what to do about that... But it certainly explains a lot of suffering I've had in my life and why others don't suffer as much.

You are lucky not to have constant contact with people who are like that woman or my mother. Although, I never meant to make it sound like she's a bad person because I understand her and people like her. The woman in your situation isn't a bad person either, she's just...bullish in a way. Some people know no other way to be, and not knowing what causes her behavior only inspires the greatest amount of sympathy from me. I'm just sorry she gave you such a hard time, you deserve better than that!

Oh, and I don't believe I have the patience of a saint! But integrity and respect mean so much to me. I want to be respected as I respect others and I will demand it in a diplomatic way (thank you mama for indirectly teaching me that!) because my integrity will not allow me to be disrespected, but my tolerance of others will not allow me to put down anyone in my quest for that respect.

Strong is an interesting word. One that many people misconstrue (there are so many ways of looking at it). You are not just strong because you're confident or stand up for yourself or anything of the sort - there's so much more to it. Vulnerability shows strength, patience shows strength, kindness shows strength, even meekness can show strength. We think those that are bold, confident, boisterous, blunt or even loud are strong with no way of knowing where that behavior comes from or what insecurities it may be compensating for. Personally, I see those who aren't afraid to wear their insecurities or 'weaknesses' out loud as being strong, because how difficult is it in a world were perceived competence and confidence are so admirable to say: "I don't know what I'm doing." Or to look like you don't know what you're doing or to look like the submissive one in a situation or to admit that you are wrong, or to even appear 'weak' in manner.

IMO, many people are too weak to be humble or vulnerable or quiet in an argument, because so many see these things as 'weakness.' So you may be 'meek', quiet, easily flustered, sometimes unsure of yourself, slow and steady in your steps, easily quieted in an argument, and in many ways humble...there is nothing wrong with that. On the other hand, there is something wrong with some many of us believing that there is something wrong with that. For me...like every other word..."strong" can be defined in many, many ways. It can be flipped, reversed...what the hell ever! I personally just refuse to be limited by any definitions and even variations of definitions. I see sh*t as I see it. You've never been defined as strong? Well, please allow me to give you that label. You are strong my darling! Dealing with that woman and any other woman of her type proves it! There are a lot of 'strong' people who couldn't have done it whatsoever. Hey you may take a few days to recuperate and get back up and go at life again, but...at least you get back up. That is what matters! You're lovely! I've had a lot of practice and learned a lot of things about recuperating, but it's just as difficult for me to do as well. Let me not pretend like it's not!

Anyway, the situation with my mother is better. I'm learning more and understanding more and that's never a bad thing. She's a spoiled brat!

Thank goodness that lady's not a nurse! Thank goodness there are nurses like you though

Love!

[Silver]

The trainer sounds like a real piece of work, BUT it could be she acts this way because of her own fears of inferiority. When I was young, I had to train someone to take over my job, and they spoke up about me being difficult in this way (but a much milder version, perhaps). I realized I feared that I wouldn't train her properly and have it reflect on me badly. She may very well have fears that run super-deep and this is part or most of the reason she acts this way with you. Just my 2 cents.