Fell Deeply In Love with Spiritual Teacher! Help

[Shivani Devi]

I am totally with Miss Hepburn here...and I have been through it...twice! The second time, resulted in a marriage which lasted for seventeen years, but it was not without difficulty and turbulence, as there was no romantic element (he was 20 years older than me).

If the love is of the pure, spiritual type and it is overwhelming and intense, that is the common bond between teacher and student and the whole idea is to just let go and surrender fully into it and that is enough...to just exist in that moment of love, not wanting anything more.

If you find that is not enough and you require intimacy, then that becomes romantic love and it is a whole different ball game which has its own terms and conditions, based upon the mutual needs and desires of the two (perceived) separate individuals...and then, the other party is well within rights to say "yes, I love you deeply, but NOT like that".

Just be grateful that you get to experience the feeling, but as a Buddhist, you should know not to let yourself become attached to the person who engenders these feelings to arise within you, It is very difficult to do so, but I wish you all the best.

[Shivani Devi]

I thought I would tell you about the first time...and as this was the most difficult yet important lesson I have ever had to learn...and I learned it the hard way.

I spent a lot of my early years in Bali, Indonesia and I was interested in learning everything there was to know about the religion, culture and way of life.. ..especially the esoteric and mystical side of it. Basically, I wanted to be initiated into Tantra, full stop!

I was, myself, 17 at the time, and I looked around everywhere for a teacher... asking everyone I knew... nobody knew (or wanted to share) anything about that...then one day, a friend of mine who worked in a bar said to me "I know someone who knows someone who is the brother of someone who knows someone.." yeah, you know how it works, but all I could say was "can you arrange a meeting?" and he said "sure, just be here at the same time next week".

I waited all week looking forward to this meeting...and when the time came, I was not disappointed! He walked into the bar and immediately, the air started buzzing and there was this total presence about him..He was also the most physically attractive man I had ever seen! (he was 25 and Balinese).

He walked over to the barman who pointed me out and he pulled up a chair opposite me and asked me if I wanted a drink. I ordered a Bintang (local beer) while he ordered two glasses of tap water, which I thought was quite strange.

Then, he asked me to feel the temperature of the water in the glasses and I did so. Both were coolish, a bit on the tepid side...pretty much room temperature for a tropical climate, and I told him so. With that, he placed one glass in his left hand, the other in his right, closed his eyes and started breathing very deeply.

After about 5 minutes, he stopped and went "now, feel the water temperature again"...I did so, and to my sheer amazement, the water in the glass that was in his right hand was boiling hot! like it had just come out of a kettle, while the water in the glass in his left hand was freezing cold like somebody had put ice cubes in it..So cold it was, that condensation was beginning to form on the outside of that glass, while the other had steam coming from out the top of it.

Yeah, my jaw dropped and I was totally lost for words, the only one I could manage at the time, was "impressive".

Then he looked me straight in the eyes and his gaze was so piercing and penetrating that I had to look away while blushing incredibly. With that, he started laughing and said "so, what is it that you want to know?"

That was our introduction.

After that, I followed him around like a stray puppy and he didn't seem to mind...I watched him cure a kid with epilepsy...I watched him doing martial arts...I often would join him for lunch and totally pick his brain...I was scared of him, but also very curious...this was a being who was totally different from everyone around him... and I started endearing myself to him, like a duckling imprints upon anything "duck like".

It went on like this for about 6 months...then one night, something strange happened. It was about midnight and I was fast asleep at home in my bed and I had the most vivid dream. In my dream, I saw him sitting at a table in one of the pizza joints downtown he was calling me... telling me to get there immediately!" I woke up with a start, got dressed and went downstairs, hailing one of the local rickshaw drivers to take me there.

As soon as I walked inside the pizza place, there he was, at that exact table, just as I had seen him in my dream, and he just beamed this huge smile and went "what took you so long?" All I could do was stutter "how the hell did you just DO that? to which, he sheepishly said "do what?".

Then, he suggested we walk along the beach in the moonlight...As it was a full moon out and the reflection across the waves was stunning..So we went down to the beach and he held my hand...I felt a lot of energy, love and bliss surge through me and I was reaching the very far fetched conclusion that I was falling in love with him...I contained what I was feeling in my heart, even though it felt like it was going to explode.

For months, it went on like this and I said not a word...then one day, we met in Denpasar and had lunch, on the way back to Kuta Beach, the monsoon decided to hit hard, and we were both on his motorbike getting drenched and as visibility was zero, he had to pull over and we found this old, abandoned barn full of hay we took shelter in.

By this time, I was shivering with cold and he said "here, let me heat you up" and he embraced me and I felt the full force of it...With that, our lips met in a deep kiss, with me going "I am falling in love with you" and he said "I feel it too..I love you". Nothing happened after that, except the rain stopped, and we got on the bike and headed back home.

After two more weeks of us hanging out, I was begging him to show me where he lived, because he always avoided the issue...then one day, he said "so, you wanna see my place then, it isn't much" and he took me to a small shed behind a restaurant that his sister owned...it only had the barest of essentials...A single bed, an old fridge a small cupboard and a tape deck..we went inside, he got out a tape of Kitaro's Silk Road and played it softly, then he got out a candle, lit it and then went "sit on the floor". I did so, and he sat opposite me, placing the candle between us...then he said, " breathe deeply, and bring your breath in exact time with mine" as I watched his chest rise and fall, I did so..and started going into trance and he was going "very good... you learn fast" and then he put the candle up on the cupboard, leaned over and kissed me deeply, while removing his shirt..I was doing the same, removing my blouse simultaneously...and of course, you know where this is going so I don't have to say. LOL

Thing was, there was hardly any movement involved! I mean, I was all for wild, rough monkey sex...but he fully restrained that with a Shhhh...keep still and bring your breathing back in time with mine...and then, he started playing with my chakras and energies like he had a new toy and I was love-tripping...hallucinating beautiful swirly colours all over the room before our energies totally merged into one and that feeling was totally indescribable!!! It was the very first time my kundalini rose...and I stopped breathing for god knows how long...

Anyway, I was on cloud Infinity for days after that and of course, I couldn't pinpoint any exact space or moment in what I had hitherto called "reality".. everything had its own luminescent effulgence which was part of an even greater one and my knees constantly felt jellified.

I finally came down into a more legible version of myself, went to seek him out again, but he was quite aloof and standoffish and said "not right now dear, I'm pretty busy" and this went on for months. Often, he would go on long trips to Java and stay away for a week or more...when he came back, I went to hug him and he hugged back, but it was very brief... something had changed between us and I was at a loss to know what, so one day, I asked for his honesty.

He said that although he loved me deeply, he had broken a vow he took and that if that were to ever happen again, we would need to be married...and he didn't want to get married or settle down just yet and he couldn't be with me because he would want to do that again and he just couldn't because he is training to become a Balian (shaman) just like his father and grandfather before him, so he said that he would always love me, even though we had to part, because after this day, I would never see him again.

I cried many tears for months, even though I fully understood this. I also realised that I finally got that initiation into Tantra I wanted and so, the obligation had been fulfilled.

I occasionally wonder what he is up to...or even if he still exists on this plane and I know that I will see him again in another time... another place.

[Altair]

Seems you made up your mind about it.. but since it's an interesting topic I will give some general thoughts.. I hope that's okay.

First of all.. spiritual teachers, those who are serious about practising it at least, are often fascinating and 'mesmerizing' to us.. On top of that, we are in an environment where we can be ourselves, are accepted and become calm. The teacher can be kind and loving to the students. This opens up all sorts of possibilities, and we may fall in love with a teacher. It is not an uncommon experience.. you're not the first and you won't be the last!

I have struggled with this too, with a female teacher who's about my age, but we all have to ask ourselves if desire and romance is what we are after or if it's something more. Now personally.. I know I fall in love with women rather quickly.. And honestly, I don't really like that feeling. I prefer to stay grounded. I prefer either peace/calmness or power/adrenaline.. any other feeling, to me at least, feels as sentimental and possibly weak. It's just who I am and it's a reflection of how I prefer to keep my energy..

I also think it's important to realize that, spiritually, ALL living beings are our soul mate...
Good luck with your exploration! Would you be okay with either outcome (romance vs. no romance)?

[davidsun]

Originally Posted by sky123

Yes Buddhists do believe in an array of different things and Anatta is very important. Yes I agree there is nothing wrong with asking for advice but we usually ask when we are unsure of our own decisions. As Buddha would advise, use wisdom to decide, good luck.

I think Gautama's 'advice' should be taken/understood as reflecting the context of the time he was teaching 'in' - wherein many (most?) 'devotees' aspirants were caught up in religiously/obediently 'following' the ('advice' etc.) of others - i.e. 'leader'-gurus - lineages.

There is no way you won't learn and so develop/grow more loving-wisdom by following your heart, which you are clearly fearlessly inclined to do, bluesky - [edited] ooops, I mean bluebird (old-timer's disease )

[iamthat]

And we cannot overlook the psychological tendency to regard the spiritual teacher as a substitute authoritative parental figure.

If there is a part of us which did not feel loved and heard and accepted as a child (and this probably applies to nearly all of us), then it is very easy to transfer that need for love and acceptance to a spiritual teacher.

And if such a teacher fails to fulfil this need, then it can trigger off all sorts of old insecurities and suppressed emotions of feeling hurt and abandoned.

I suspect that many people go through some such crisis around a spiritual teacher, as old patterns are brought to the surface to be released. In the end, it is a cleansing process although it can be very painful while we are stuck in it.

Peace.

[Miss Hepburn]

Aw, thank you....please let us know how you're doing!
Tell us any developments.

Hi, Shivani:)

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by Miss Hepburn

Aw, thank you....please let us know how you're doing!
Tell us any developments.

Hi, Shivani:)

Hi there, Miss H. Nice to hear from you again.