emotionally drained, want to give up but can't. Just need to rant

[wednesdayschild]

Intuitively I know there's something going on, well a whole lot actually, in the mind and heart of my TF. A few things have happened lately, first off we did a tarot card reading each together a couple weeks back and he got the soulmate card. When I told him what it meant, he grabbed the guide book and it confirmed everything I said. He got up, blushing and wouldn't look at me. In my spread I got a card that suggested a younger man in my life who was deceiving me in some way. After a while of talking about my spread, he said 'do you think that's me'. I knew it was but didn't say because I knew it would stir up all the past issues between us that we are hiding while being 'best friends' (his request, not mine!) Things is, when we met it was that immediate connection of mirroring, our eyes said it all and we have talked a lot in the past months about how we mirror each other and bring out each other's insecurities and weaknesses to be healed as well as helping each be the best we can. he treasures our friendship and so do I but I am in love with him and told him so just after Christmas this year. He didn't say he didn't feel the same, just that 'these feelings' bring out insecurities and past hurts and he needs to heal those, hence he didn't want anything more than friends. But I know it's not true. I feel it. He knew when I drew that card, that was him, deceiving me and himself about what he wants but isn't strong enough to give. Then something happened at work and he'd usually tell me as we work in the same place, but he said he couldn't and needed to keep 'low vibrations' out of our friendship. I know his colleagues tease him, they call me his 'other half' and he seems to like it but I think something happened that stirred up his true feelings and he couldn't tell me.
Every time I feel like quitting and telling him I can't go on, something happens and he pulls me back in, gives me reason to believe that I am here for a reason, to lift us both up to our highest vibration and celebration of love that we have. I have told him I love him unconditionally, I always will, but it hurts so fricking bad right now. I am having a bad evening, even though we had a nice time together working today, a really good laugh. I came home and cried. I read about people here who do not even see their TF at all, so I know I should be grateful that him and I are close friends and get to be together in this sense. I don't know how to even imagine my life without him, so I have to carry on. I don't need any advice really, I just don't have anywhere else to release my feelings. thanks for reading! Sorry if it all sounds hugely ego driven, I am trying not to be this way but it's so hard when I am in such deep love.

[lancing]

Love!