Thwarting Unwanted Advances with Love and Kindness

[angelic star]

Originally Posted by Imzadi

Thank you, I am seeing this more clearly now. I am done compromising myself and allowing myself to be in unsafe spaces. I am going to start breaking these patterns for sure. I cannot serve anyone else if I cannot practice good emotional self care for myself. Thanks for the reminder.

Absolutely, and it's very hard sorting priorities emotionally, especially when one has attachments of their own. Drawing lines emotionally can be harder, but the mind helps to draw those lines clearly sometimes. You also get to understand your own self more when you identify and sort your emotions, thoughts because there are many layers to our own selves as well that we forget to pay any attention to, and when we dig emotionally and it can very hard sometimes to know for sure what one wants. It can be tedious, but we need to learn to trust our instincts and protect ourselves and it's always okay to :)

[Jack of Spades]

I think everyone should have two ways of rejecting advances; one for the nice people who get it and another one for the outlier people who don't get it.

For the nice people who get it, the logic is:
It's always embarrassing and painful to be rejected, so it's better to do it gently. But, that doesn't mean it should be left unclear because most likely any unclarity will be interpreted as there being a chance.

For the people who don't get it the logic should be;
Maximum distance. Protecting ones self is the only priority in these cases.

Excluding the extreme cases, I think when it comes to normal adult people the logic should be "How would I want to be rejected?". My personal answer is by clearly and openly communicating it, without making it unnecessarily embarrassing (= not publicly, if that is avoidable).

But if someone tries to be so overly sensitive that they can't even say "no", even when they want to, I'm personally left with a taste that they are not treating me like an adult. That's more insulting than an honest, straight rejection would be. It's unavoidable that it hurts to some degree, but an adult person should be expected to handle such hurt feelings with dignity.

[Imzadi]

Originally Posted by Jack of Spades

I think everyone should have two ways of rejecting advances; one for the nice people who get it and another one for the outlier people who don't get it.

For the nice people who get it, the logic is:
It's always embarrassing and painful to be rejected, so it's better to do it gently. But, that doesn't mean it should be left unclear because most likely any unclarity will be interpreted as there being a chance.

For the people who don't get it the logic should be;
Maximum distance. Protecting ones self is the only priority in these cases.

Excluding the extreme cases, I think when it comes to normal adult people the logic should be "How would I want to be rejected?". My personal answer is by clearly and openly communicating it, without making it unnecessarily embarrassing (= not publicly, if that is avoidable).

But if someone tries to be so overly sensitive that they can't even say "no", even when they want to, I'm personally left with a taste that they are not treating me like an adult. That's more insulting than an honest, straight rejection would be. It's unavoidable that it hurts to some degree, but an adult person should be expected to handle such hurt feelings with dignity.

Thanks, Jack. Those are all good and practical things to consider. Most people handle the situation like cordial adults without much embarrassment. What is baffling is the people who don't seem to take no for an answer. While I do try to maintain friends, but I feel that they are being disrespectful of my boundaries and wishes that makes me I feel very uncomfortable around them. Worst when there are coercion and manipulations involved. Actually now that I think of it, I rather feel a bit indignant.

But I think this is an opportunity for me cultivate proper respect for myself and my own dignity and boundaries. How dare they tell me what to think and how to feel right? For instance, I would tell them, "I'm happy, celibate, and devoted my Spiritual path and not interested in dating." They respond, "You're just repressed because you've been traumatized." So they would wait around badgering me until I am de-traumatized and go shag them? What the hell? That's not OK. So because I am not into them, I have to be traumatized and repressing myself? How rude right?

Sorry just gotta vent a little. *DEEP BREATH* Yeah, I need to work on proper boundaries and better emotional self care. I think the strange thing with celibacy is that the more unavailable I am, the more the Universe send people to me? Maybe it's something like a challenge to them or something? I don't know, I have to confess, this certainly knocks me off my equanimity a bit. But I'm taking this in stride the best I can and use this opportunity to be learn and become better and smarter in these situations. Sometimes I just gotta not take it too seriously and laugh about it.

[Jack of Spades]

Originally Posted by Imzadi

For instance, I would tell them, "I'm happy, celibate, and devoted my Spiritual path and not interested in dating." They respond, "You're just repressed because you've been traumatized." So they would wait around badgering me until I am de-traumatized and go shag them? What the hell? That's not OK. So because I am not into them, I have to be traumatized and repressing myself? How rude right?

Yeah, it's rude. But, in my opinion the most crucial point is, EVEN IF you were traumatized (speaking hypothetically, of course) it would still be your choice to decide with how to deal with such issues and what boundaries to set around them, not a choice they would have the right to question and ignore.

Being traumatized or having issues would not be a valid reason for someone else to ignore or question your boundaries. That's the whole ballgame, your boundaries are yours, your reasons for your boundaries are for you to decide and whether people understand your reasons or not, is not the point. Respecting the boundaries is the whole point. Not only the boundaries they happen to like or understand, but all of them.

We don't have to earn our right for having personal boundaries by proving that we are completely fine emotionally. Even if we are completely fine.

Originally Posted by Imzadi

I think the strange thing with celibacy is that the more unavailable I am, the more the Universe send people to me? Maybe it's something like a challenge to them or something? I don't know, I have to confess, this certainly knocks me off my equanimity a bit.

There is actually a psychological explanation for this.

What drives people away is when somebody expects a lot from them. Hypothetically speaking: when I am obsessively, actively looking for the fairytale princess who would fill all my romantic dreams, I am subconsciously projecting those expectations to people around me, mostly to the people I would consider potential partners. That's off-putting, people sense it. They react to it by feeling "Oh what a load of expectations coming from that guy, I can never feel relaxed around that kind a load. I want to feel free!". And that makes the interest easily fade away.

But, on the other hand, if I'm looking for no partner at all, I'm projecting zero expectations to people around me. That of course makes people feel accepted, "Hey, no high expectations coming from that direction! I feel like I can be just me! That's great, let's get to know better!".

It's all subconscious, not something we are aware of. In a way it's ironic and backwards, but it makes a lot of sense when you think about it on subconscious signalling level.

Originally Posted by Nature Grows

The fact that you are asking me what it is like to behave like a man, when you yourself are a 34 year old male, is a good example of what i was talking about, how do you not know? how does any male not know what it means? do you see how some men are not in touch with it these days. And im not being insulting, the laws of nature are there, they are here and exist. gravity is one of them, electromagnetism ect.. you can't deny these things.

i said earlier "masculine is not the man beating his girlfriend, masculine is a powerful energy, like i said its warrior, its a no surrender attitude in tough times, it's protective, action, planning, strategic, strong will power and much more."
If you don't know what that is or what its like to feel that way, then i suggest you do the inner work to discover it within yourself, im not insulting you or being offensive so don't take it that way, im trying to help you.

And when you say Badcopyinc "It is the person finding fault in another that is out of balance. that is my point."

This is how the people who wish to destroy humanity would like humans to think like, so i guess if someone rapes a child you shouldn't find fault in that? because everything is love and light and joyful oneness, right? yea ok... you have to look at it all, that includes the inharmonious and unpleasant stuff.



Sorry Badcopyinc but you sound like a new age fool, if some one harms an animal (for example) and that animal is suffering, regardless of what you think or how you decide to see it, that animal is still suffering in that moment ok? what you are describing is the exact kind of mentality that the people behind all of these groups we have been discussing about would like people to have, its called solipsism.

Truth can never be destroyed. But humanity can be destroyed when we refuse to act in service to truth, as her defenders. It is possible for us to co-create a positive outcome, but this can only be accomplished if we care enough to learn the truth ourselves, and then develop the courage to continuously speak it to others. The truth is objective, meaning that it is not based on perceptions of human beings (which is capable of wavering) truth is simply that which is. It is that which has occurred in the past and that which is occurring in the present. Perception is not reality but our work is to align the two.

This new age spiritual fool made his points using his masculine side by not allowing you to belittle the majority of an entire gender. I should say insult. And to be honest you’ve insulted me more then once. The complete opposite of spiritual, actually this would be a over indulgence in the masculine and lack of feminine.

My feminine and masculine side both kicked in and made my points without insulting you. I feel for you. Because you have a need to have everyone see how your perspective is more accurate than another. And all I was doing was exactly what you accused me of not doing. Defending the ones you’re insulting.

I won’t attack you personally I’ve seen you belittle and insult enough people on here. And that would be overly masculine if I did. I pray that a man is the one who shows you your feminine side. And maybe helps you get in touch with it on a deeper level.

I hope you dig deeper and see that it is you that you’re upset and finding fault with. Not the rest of the world. Let alone the majority of a gender

You can’t say we create our reality and then insult me for pointing out that you’re creating a bad one for yourself.

Find the beauty in everything and you won’t have an issue with anyone let alone yourself. Then maybe you’ll understand why what everyone else eats doesn’t make you poop. Hopefully you’ll decide to create a better world instead of pointing out everything that is wrong with the one you don’t like.

Blessing and well wishes Nature.

[Imzadi]

Originally Posted by Jack of Spades

There is actually a psychological explanation for this.

What drives people away is when somebody expects a lot from them. Hypothetically speaking: when I am obsessively, actively looking for the fairytale princess who would fill all my romantic dreams, I am subconsciously projecting those expectations to people around me, mostly to the people I would consider potential partners. That's off-putting, people sense it. They react to it by feeling "Oh what a load of expectations coming from that guy, I can never feel relaxed around that kind a load. I want to feel free!". And that makes the interest easily fade away.

But, on the other hand, if I'm looking for no partner at all, I'm projecting zero expectations to people around me. That of course makes people feel accepted, "Hey, no high expectations coming from that direction! I feel like I can be just me! That's great, let's get to know better!".

It's all subconscious, not something we are aware of. In a way it's ironic and backwards, but it makes a lot of sense when you think about it on subconscious signalling level.

Interesting perception, Jack. I had not thought about it that way, but it seems to make sense. I feel really grossed out when people project expectations on me in some amorous way and it actually makes my skin crawl and I feel energetically sick. It is even worst if there are lusty energy involved. I think because I am sensitive and empathic, I just pick up those vibes a lot stronger and it definitely repels me so I see what you are saying. It feels like I'm being suffocated by them even if they are half way across the room or even when I am woken up by their 3 am morning text. It's so challenging. Like I can almost psychically see strands of invisible chords like Spiderman shooting webs all over my my energy field and I need to like disentangle and take a shower to clear the icky vibes. It's so strange, I'm sort of nauseous just describing it right now. Blerghhhh. I think perhaps because I am psychically sensitive, I'm not only dealing with this issue socially and psychologically, but also in a bizarre metaphysical way.

[Imzadi]

Originally Posted by Badcopyinc

This new age spiritual fool made his points using his masculine side by not allowing you to belittle the majority of an entire gender. I should say insult. And to be honest you’ve insulted me more then once. The complete opposite of spiritual, actually this would be a over indulgence in the masculine and lack of feminine.

My feminine and masculine side both kicked in and made my points without insulting you. I feel for you. Because you have a need to have everyone see how your perspective is more accurate than another. And all I was doing was exactly what you accused me of not doing. Defending the ones you’re insulting.

I won’t attack you personally I’ve seen you belittle and insult enough people on here. And that would be overly masculine if I did. I pray that a man is the one who shows you your feminine side. And maybe helps you get in touch with it on a deeper level.

I hope you dig deeper and see that it is you that you’re upset and finding fault with. Not the rest of the world. Let alone the majority of a gender

You can’t say we create our reality and then insult me for pointing out that you’re creating a bad one for yourself.

Find the beauty in everything and you won’t have an issue with anyone let alone yourself. Then maybe you’ll understand why what everyone else eats doesn’t make you poop. Hopefully you’ll decide to create a better world instead of pointing out everything that is wrong with the one you don’t like.

Blessing and well wishes Nature.

Thank you for your grace, maturity, and wisdom on this thread.

[Nature Grows]

Originally Posted by Badcopyinc

This new age spiritual fool made his points using his masculine side by not allowing you to belittle the majority of an entire gender. I should say insult. And to be honest you’ve insulted me more then once. The complete opposite of spiritual, actually this would be a over indulgence in the masculine and lack of feminine.

You didn't make a point, go back to my last post that i wrote to you and read it, your point is you have created a world in your mind separate from the real one or "physical" plane and in your mind everything going on in the world is ok and colourful rainbows, that was your point, you just said your delusional or don't care about anything other then yourself and that was about it.

Originally Posted by Badcopyinc

My feminine and masculine side both kicked in and made my points without insulting you. I feel for you. Because you have a need to have everyone see how your perspective is more accurate than another. And all I was doing was exactly what you accused me of not doing. Defending the ones you’re insulting.

I didn't insult them i was saying how they can empower themselves, i can't believe this is what feminism and new age has done to people, they tell someone off for trying to empower men, if someone was trying to empower women the same way i did for men just before, if some one told a women shes empowered by her femininity every one would be ok with that, this whole conversation is just sad.

Originally Posted by Badcopyinc

I won’t attack you personally I’ve seen you belittle and insult enough people on here. And that would be overly masculine if I did. I pray that a man is the one who shows you your feminine side. And maybe helps you get in touch with it on a deeper level.

badcopyinc do not pray for me. Here is a post made by me a little while back.... it was in response to some one who asked how do you work on loving yourself.

Originally Posted by Nature Grows

Try not being so harsh on yourself, be like a great supreme mother to yourself, you think you messed up? oh no, no.. sweet child of the universe you are trying your best in this crazy world what more could you possibly do, i love you for ever an ever and will never abandon you, it will all be over one day, everything is passing my child, Hush hush, relax, it's doesn't matter i am here for you for ever an ever, i love you.

Just really get in touch with your feminine nurturing side and bathe yourself in it, everything you have said in your post is the mind speaking and society's expectations getting you worried, get into the heart, this is my answer.


Yes it's extremely healing.

Attack me personally if you want, read through this thread people have been telling me off throughout it, i don't care, im ok with that and i have to be ready for that by saying the things iv said, its not about me im telling people whats going on in the world and people don't want to hear it because it upsets the realities they have created in there minds as you said.

Originally Posted by Badcopyinc

I hope you dig deeper and see that it is you that you’re upset and finding fault with. Not the rest of the world. Let alone the majority of a gender

You can’t say we create our reality and then insult me for pointing out that you’re creating a bad one for yourself.

My life is good, but i know there are bad things going on in the world, i know the world is not a nice place all the time.

Originally Posted by Badcopyinc

Find the beauty in everything and you won’t have an issue with anyone let alone yourself. Then maybe you’ll understand why what everyone else eats doesn’t make you poop. Hopefully you’ll decide to create a better world instead of pointing out everything that is wrong with the one you don’t like.

Blessing and well wishes Nature.

If you can find the beauty in children being raped an murdered, in human trafficking, in people brutally torturing animals for fun, for science tests and for food, in harsh unnecessary wars, in the pollution and destruction of the planet and animals habitats, in human beings being brain washed, in good people being hurt.. then ok, fine, but im not ok with innocents being hurt or these things. Even if there is the afterlife and the whole spiritual side to it or whatever you may say, these things are still not good for beings on this planet and the planet.

If people don't realise what is wrong in the world, if people don't point out what is wrong with the world.. how do people fix it? you need to point out what is wrong in a problem or when something is causing problems to be able to fix it... and i mean to really fix it not just imagine in your mind that it is ok and fixed or does not exist.

Good bye.

Originally Posted by Imzadi

Thank you for your grace, maturity, and wisdom on this thread.

Why would you say this to what he just said? because you think its the right or correct thing to say? the kind and spiritual thing to say? did his post make you feel nice? did it make you feel safe? by you saying this does it uphold your image as a kind gentle person to others? what the heck man...

[Imzadi]

Nature Grows,

In all honesty, I believe everyone who has participated in this thread spoke and behaved honorably and magnanimously to the best of their ability, yourself included. I for one certainly made every effort to do so. At times, there were definitely some difference in opinions, confusion, and strong language/hostility, but I appreciate any and all grace, intelligence, and eloquence that has been exhibited. In addition, I think the various conversations in this thread helps expose and enlighten us to our own nature and areas where we can learn and improve. I don't know about you, but I'm grateful for this educational experience. I've also learned a lot from your contributions as well. Actually, I think I have learned the most from you because your attitude and perspectives are vastly different from my own and I am always eager and willing to educate myself on cultures and ideas that I am unfamiliar with. Many thanks for that and PEACE to you. :)

[Nature Grows]

Originally Posted by Imzadi

Nature Grows,

In all honesty, I think everyone who has participated in this thread spoke and behaved honorably and magnanimously to the best of their ability, yourself included.

No, I wasn't trying to speak 100% nicely all of the time in this thread, i know i could have spoken differently at times, i wanted to say what needed to be said without tip toeing around things to much, like how a lot of people do with these type of topics. Sometimes with these topics, the topics about the planet and humanity and things that are going on, i do get caught up in them when discussing them or talking about them with others, not all the time though. Also i don't know, maybe your only saying this because you think its the right thing to say or to avoid confrontation or unpleasantness that may occur if you said other wise, if so your dismissing the truth for your own well being or comfiness, What part of this thread was about, sometimes though there is no point or little point discussing somethings with some people anyway. We all have free will though, and theres consequences for what we do or don't do, as individuals and as a whole race on the planet.

Originally Posted by Imzadi

I for one certainly made every effort to do so. At times, there were definitely some difference in opinions, confusion, and strong language/hostility, but I appreciate any and all grace, intelligence, and eloquence that has been exhibited. In addition, I think the various conversations in this thread helps expose and enlighten us to our own nature and areas where we can learn and improve. I don't know about you, but I'm grateful for this educational experience. I've also learned a lot from your contributions as well. Actually, I think I have learned the most from you because your attitude and perspectives are vastly different from my own and I am always eager and willing to educate myself on cultures and ideas that I am unfamiliar with. Many thanks for that and PEACE to you. :)

Imzadi, i will say thank you as well, even though people did not agree and things, we still all got to discuss and share on this thread that you started..

PEACE

Originally Posted by Imzadi