why is it so hard for twins to be in a functional relationship?

[selene]

I never thought I'd ask what the title implies, but here it goes, the whole story:

my twin and I had not met in three years and a half. In the past year, I had made it pretty clear that it hurt me that he was not making that effort to spend time together -I was, honestly hurt, so much so that I had doubted the place of this connection in my present and had resolved to sever any worldly ties. So, a little after one of those conversations, he suddenly asked one day if we could meet for a few days somewhere in a city in my region -after our meeting, he'd travel around the region for business.

Yesterday, we said goodbye at the airport. We had a couple of days together. Nothing earth-shattering happened, nothing that changed the dynamic of our relationship. We talked a lot, and we cherished each other's presence.

In our last conversation at the airport, I still told him I do not trust him that we'll meet again any time soon, as he claimed would happen, but I was able to tell him I love him for trying, and for so many other things that make him who he is. I still asked him, even a little jokingly, to change his mind and go home with me instead of his business destination. Of course, he joked back his no.

His flight was six hours earlier than mine. I had my laptop and was going to do some remote work at the airport. Instead, I did something I had not done for years: I cried in public. At first, it was just a few tears, but then it grew into uncontrollable sobs that lasted for all those six hours and later until I reached home and beyond. I had gone to the city we met, with so few expectations and I was fine with that. I have no idea why I felt so sad -and still do, away from him.

There is nothing that is stopping my twin from being with me from my point of view... nothing. No girlfriend, no commitment. He is attracted to me. This is a relationship where I have accused him of lying to me and yet, I feel is the most honest bond I have ever shared. It is the only relationship where I love someone in the way that I wish I could love myself and which I feel the love still radiates back to me.

He says it's the distance (different continents), but it is a problem that can be easily overcome, and he knows I'd go anywhere if it meant being with him anyhow. I feel the honesty of his feelings. But I wish that for once, he'd make me less of a spiritual, unique, high partner and pursue our earthly relationship equally. Is that too much to ask?

[ssdm1]

Originally Posted by selene

I never thought I'd ask what the title implies, but here it goes, the whole story:

my twin and I had not met in three years and a half. In the past year, I had made it pretty clear that it hurt me that he was not making that effort to spend time together -I was, honestly hurt, so much so that I had doubted the place of this connection in my present and had resolved to sever any worldly ties. So, a little after one of those conversations, he suddenly asked one day if we could meet for a few days somewhere in a city in my region -after our meeting, he'd travel around the region for business.

Yesterday, we said goodbye at the airport. We had a couple of days together. Nothing earth-shattering happened, nothing that changed the dynamic of our relationship. We talked a lot, and we cherished each other's presence.

In our last conversation at the airport, I still told him I do not trust him that we'll meet again any time soon, as he claimed would happen, but I was able to tell him I love him for trying, and for so many other things that make him who he is. I still asked him, even a little jokingly, to change his mind and go home with me instead of his business destination. Of course, he joked back his no.

His flight was six hours earlier than mine. I had my laptop and was going to do some remote work at the airport. Instead, I did something I had not done for years: I cried in public. At first, it was just a few tears, but then it grew into uncontrollable sobs that lasted for all those six hours and later until I reached home and beyond. I had gone to the city we met, with so few expectations and I was fine with that. I have no idea why I felt so sad -and still do, away from him.

There is nothing that is stopping my twin from being with me from my point of view... nothing. No girlfriend, no commitment. He is attracted to me. This is a relationship where I have accused him of lying to me and yet, I feel is the most honest bond I have ever shared. It is the only relationship where I love someone in the way that I wish I could love myself and which I feel the love still radiates back to me.

He says it's the distance (different continents), but it is a problem that can be easily overcome, and he knows I'd go anywhere if it meant being with him anyhow. I feel the honesty of his feelings. But I wish that for once, he'd make me less of a spiritual, unique, high partner and pursue our earthly relationship equally. Is that too much to ask?

I don't have an answer but I am right there with you. I've known mine for decades, we are good friends, but never together romantically. He always chooses to be with some other woman. He is now engaged.

I guess the real answer is that these relationships are complex, they are soul connections and from what I see do not end up as earthly relationships, yet they never end either.

[FairyCrystal]

I also don't know the answer. Just what I always say, and usually isn't appreciated: Either a couple or one party isn't ready OR the couple aren't TFs. I believe for most the latter is the case.
It could be a high soul connection, but not a TF, and thus you two not meant to come together in a love relationship, or stay together, yet still have this high soul connection.
Always difficult to distinguish as 'signs' for different soul connections have a huge overlap.

I don't agree that TFs never come together in the physical here. I know some do for certain, and one couple I have known personally. They went to hell and back before they could come together. He wasn't doing too well, but was working on getting out of that. She was still married, had some 4 still young kids, and if memory serves she was pregnant even when they first met.
I think it took some 4-5 years before they finally got together. During those years it was constant push-pull, couldn't be together, couldn't live without one another.
In the end she divorced and they eventually moved in together, for which he moved to the other side of the country. About a year later they had a baby together as well. They're still madly in love and insanely happy.

Also bear in mind you only read the 'sob stories' on alleged TFs. People who are happy, in love, and living a happy life usually don't go on fora to tell everyone. People generally do that when they feel unhappy, can't handle life, need help.
Just like we rarely pull cards about love when we're happily in love, yet when we are miserable, can't find love or are heart-broken, all we seem to do is draw cards, hoping for a positive answer.
Same thing.

[Inika]

things need and require to play out if being together is going to happen. What, how, when and why are what the mind begs to know while the soul is at ease. If we allow the soul to guide us more than the mind in these connections it could be less frustrating. However, a sacrafice must be made and thats to drop the mental mind talk and story its expecting to see and have.

we all know how easy it is to slip into mind talk and end up feeding on doubt. and if our mind and soul are against each other then the struggle will be real. One is so used to always being in control. and this is something that cannot be controlled.

leave that to normal relationships full of conditions and control. control by use of mind games, manipulations and forceful behaviour.

my 2 cents lol

[selene]

Originally Posted by ssdm1

I don't have an answer but I am right there with you. I've known mine for decades, we are good friends, but never together romantically. He always chooses to be with some other woman. He is now engaged.

I guess the real answer is that these relationships are complex, they are soul connections and from what I see do not end up as earthly relationships, yet they never end either.

Thank you. I understand. It makes sense. I think, no, I know that there is a plan for all of us and we are moving along with it. I am grateful that it is happening this way and for the lessons that I have learned. I just wish that he'd choose me over his work... I don't know if he ever will

[selene]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

I also don't know the answer. Just what I always say, and usually isn't appreciated: Either a couple or one party isn't ready OR the couple aren't TFs. I believe for most the latter is the case.
It could be a high soul connection, but not a TF, and thus you two not meant to come together in a love relationship, or stay together, yet still have this high soul connection.
Always difficult to distinguish as 'signs' for different soul connections have a huge overlap.

I don't agree that TFs never come together in the physical here. I know some do for certain, and one couple I have known personally. They went to hell and back before they could come together. He wasn't doing too well, but was working on getting out of that. She was still married, had some 4 still young kids, and if memory serves she was pregnant even when they first met.
I think it took some 4-5 years before they finally got together. During those years it was constant push-pull, couldn't be together, couldn't live without one another.
In the end she divorced and they eventually moved in together, for which he moved to the other side of the country. About a year later they had a baby together as well. They're still madly in love and insanely happy.

Also bear in mind you only read the 'sob stories' on alleged TFs. People who are happy, in love, and living a happy life usually don't go on fora to tell everyone. People generally do that when they feel unhappy, can't handle life, need help.
Just like we rarely pull cards about love when we're happily in love, yet when we are miserable, can't find love or are heart-broken, all we seem to do is draw cards, hoping for a positive answer.
Same thing.

Thank you for the response... In all honesty, I do not consider mine an unhappy story, despite the airport sobs. I have my TF in my life, who loves me dearly, who will say it often, and who has helped me grow, be creative, have better self-esteem and be kinder, more loving and more emotionally stable. We rarely fight and when we do, we can still say 'I love you' to each other during the fight. Our physical meetings may be infrequent but are intense and fulfilling in ways other relationship could take years and not achieve. So, I guess I know that TF stories can be happy ones -and some, can be happier in resulting to union.

I was just wondering why it is so hard for us, two people who are unattached, who confess such feelings for each other, who can have the professional option to overcome distance should they chose to, who are so good at getting along and who feel attraction, to move on to the next stage into a romantic, committed relationship.

[selene]

Originally Posted by Inika

things need and require to play out if being together is going to happen. What, how, when and why are what the mind begs to know while the soul is at ease. If we allow the soul to guide us more than the mind in these connections it could be less frustrating. However, a sacrafice must be made and thats to drop the mental mind talk and story its expecting to see and have.

we all know how easy it is to slip into mind talk and end up feeding on doubt. and if our mind and soul are against each other then the struggle will be real. One is so used to always being in control. and this is something that cannot be controlled.

leave that to normal relationships full of conditions and control. control by use of mind games, manipulations and forceful behaviour.

my 2 cents lol

thank you. I have been trying very hard to achieve exactly that and let the soul come forth. I know the peace is there. Just... some days are better than others :)

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by selene

Thank you for the response... In all honesty, I do not consider mine an unhappy story, despite the airport sobs. I have my TF in my life, who loves me dearly, who will say it often, and who has helped me grow, be creative, have better self-esteem and be kinder, more loving and more emotionally stable. We rarely fight and when we do, we can still say 'I love you' to each other during the fight. Our physical meetings may be infrequent but are intense and fulfilling in ways other relationship could take years and not achieve. So, I guess I know that TF stories can be happy ones -and some, can be happier in resulting to union.

I was just wondering why it is so hard for us, two people who are unattached, who confess such feelings for each other, who can have the professional option to overcome distance should they chose to, who are so good at getting along and who feel attraction, to move on to the next stage into a romantic, committed relationship.

I know yours is not a sob story, you always come across as quite together. I do understand your question, in a way I'm stuck with the same one.
If everything worked and was so great, better than we've ever had before with anyone else, intense chemistry and so on, why didn't he commit?
Well... then you have to at some point be brutally honest with yourself: He didn't/doesn't feel 'it' for me. Happens a lot with men, that they like a woman, can't let go of her or won't let go of her because things are good, but not 'it'. Not for him. Woman waits and hopes for years on end, convincing herself one day it will happen. And then... he falls for someone else, marries her and lives happily ever after, leaving the other woman devastated and heartbroken. I think often such women never get over it anymore, while in all honesty they could've known years earlier.
The problem if you keep seeing each other -whether regularly or occasionally- is that you keep yourself available for him, meaning for years on end you are NOT available for the one who IS right for you and who WOULD love you and cherish you, and who you could be happy with.
You miss out on all that, because you keep revolving around this person who never commits, but leaves you hoping, waiting, hoping, doubting, and so on.
If you're honest, do you feel good, cherished, loved, cared for, by a man who clearly doesn't see you as a priority? How many excuses do you keep making for that, for him not making you a priority? And how okay do you really feel deep down about you having to make these excuses?
If you do this, do you realize that a man will dump everything in his life when he feels 'it' for a woman? Without a doubt or question in his mind. Even if it costs him his job. He'll find something else.
When a man feels 'it' he makes plans for the future, and acts upon them.

Just a number of things to ponder.
All this is the reason I am not in touch with him anymore. I don't want to waste years of my life pining over a man who clearly chose not to be with me, who clearly didn't make me a priority in his life.
I also refused to see this, it never is nice nor easy to admit such things. But in all honesty, I deserve better. I deserve to be treated like a prize, a queen, to have a man go for me 100%, commit to me and so on.
TF or no. If 'it' ain't there, 'it' ain't there, even if you feel it, he doesn't, otherwise he'd commit and make you a priority in his life.

[selene]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

I know yours is not a sob story, you always come across as quite together. I do understand your question, in a way I'm stuck with the same one.
If everything worked and was so great, better than we've ever had before with anyone else, intense chemistry and so on, why didn't he commit?
Well... then you have to at some point be brutally honest with yourself: He didn't/doesn't feel 'it' for me. Happens a lot with men, that they like a woman, can't let go of her or won't let go of her because things are good, but not 'it'. Not for him. Woman waits and hopes for years on end, convincing herself one day it will happen. And then... he falls for someone else, marries her and lives happily ever after, leaving the other woman devastated and heartbroken. I think often such women never get over it anymore, while in all honesty they could've known years earlier.
The problem if you keep seeing each other -whether regularly or occasionally- is that you keep yourself available for him, meaning for years on end you are NOT available for the one who IS right for you and who WOULD love you and cherish you, and who you could be happy with.
You miss out on all that, because you keep revolving around this person who never commits, but leaves you hoping, waiting, hoping, doubting, and so on.
If you're honest, do you feel good, cherished, loved, cared for, by a man who clearly doesn't see you as a priority? How many excuses do you keep making for that, for him not making you a priority? And how okay do you really feel deep down about you having to make these excuses?
If you do this, do you realize that a man will dump everything in his life when he feels 'it' for a woman? Without a doubt or question in his mind. Even if it costs him his job. He'll find something else.
When a man feels 'it' he makes plans for the future, and acts upon them.

Just a number of things to ponder.
All this is the reason I am not in touch with him anymore. I don't want to waste years of my life pining over a man who clearly chose not to be with me, who clearly didn't make me a priority in his life.
I also refused to see this, it never is nice nor easy to admit such things. But in all honesty, I deserve better. I deserve to be treated like a prize, a queen, to have a man go for me 100%, commit to me and so on.
TF or no. If 'it' ain't there, 'it' ain't there, even if you feel it, he doesn't, otherwise he'd commit and make you a priority in his life.

I know FairyCrystal, I know... I watched that video you had posted (sorry I can't remember the name/title) -and had even commented that I found it extremely helpful. I had really resolved to have that conversation the way that this guy had suggested because it really made sense and gave me some clarity -and trust me, that clarity is still there. I was ready, really ready, that this conversation was going to help us get some closure and was ready for the end too. During the crying spell at the airport, I kept thinking that I failed to have that conversation.

I think that what makes it very difficult for me is certain specifics that I need to remove from their circumstances, but I'll try. They are not excuses, they are real emotional blocks from both of us and I fail too, there, so I will talk about my shortcomings to give you an idea. I communicate openly that I like lots of space and independence -and I do, hence my solitary life -but I fail to tell him I'd be willing to try and navigate the emotional strain of a day-to-day relationship with him. I stress so often how I find annoying if a guy tries to 'take care of me', but I do not explain to him that I love it when he tries, even if he apologizes for thinking that he has offended my feminist sensibilities. I just cannot say 'you are not other guys, I really want you to take care of me.' Instead, all I do is just listen to his apology, give him a doubtful look and a reluctant 'it's okay'. The tears in the airport had started as I was watching him check-in, but I quickly wiped them and switched them to a little sarcasm, just so he wouldn't think of me as weak. I guess, I have lived on my own for so long, that independence -emotional too -is like a second skin.

And then, I ask 'can you see me?' but I quickly add 'but then, you may be busy, so I understand' and for someone like him that's a polite way to say 'it'd be nice to see each other, but we are both busy now.' So, when we met, he told me he had not expected I would have said yes to his invitation to meet anywhere but my country, or he would have asked sooner. My response was to mumble something and smile, while everything in me screamed 'I'd uproot my entire life for you, how can you not take *this* for granted?'. And then, he does those things too, in his own way. I gave him a gift when we parted, something of mine, that I could have used, yet wanted him to have. He seemed doubtful until the very last minute if I really had wanted him to have it or just gave it because he needed it -and I honestly would have been heartbroken if he had not accepted. But I still do not know if he took it because I insisted or because he wanted to have it. I still do not know if I should have honestly said 'please, come to me. I need you' instead of joking about it.

I have made excuses over the years, that is true. But in person, this man, who tells me I am perfect just as I am, reminds me of my own shortcomings -and the excuses he might have made for me too.

Long story short: I wish he forgot the distance/work for the excuse that it is. I wish for once we stopped being tender and sweet around each other, and treat this bond with a more forceful love deserving its strength. And the only thing that makes me doubtful is that even though I know that we both treat the rest of our life this way, trying to navigate our worth in our work, that for once... he'd fight for me and let me fight for him. Does it make better sense? I honestly do not know even now if in the eyes of someone else, these too, sound like an excuse. They could be... for the first time since this thing started, I feel honestly confused because I had had everything sorted out before this meeting.

Because strong spiritual beliefs and assumptions tend to override ordinary aspects of a relationship. Unless a couple are so obviously twins then the religious side of twin-flame - the dogma, the expectations, demands will keep manifesting as anguish, the need for confirmation, doubts (however small); and a plethora of words that can be difficult to interpret.

A claims to love B; B claims to love A - but how can they know exactly what the other means unless it's unconditional? (There isn't much doubt about what unconditional means, surely?) They can't. There are no ways to describe our experiences of these things. Describe them you might try but in turn those descriptions will also mean different things to different people. Always the problem with words.


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