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Old 09-01-2019, 12:29 AM
phoenix8821 phoenix8821 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Psychosis and Visions

The spiritual realm is very complicated. I once had a vision of an Arian alien humanoid. His presence felt like it made the air lead around my body. He showed me a device that was a triangle or a pyramid of fluorescent light. It was some sort of device that powered their civilization. The implication was that it was fueled by human blood and suffering. Or maybe just blood.

That was a hellish time for me, I was beset on all sides by hellish beings from another dimension. They prayed upon my greatest weakness: my own regrets. There was a woman's voice that would speak to me and command me to do things. She had a particular way of shouting, “NO!” She put me through hell, prodding at my emotional wounds and making me feel like I deserved Hell!

This is part of psychosis. One encounters beings and forces for which one has no frame of reference. One is totally unprepared to deal with these entities, so one is toyed with, like the mouse that a cat torments before devouring it. Fortunately, I haven't been devoured yet in any real sense.
For many years, I assumed that my psychotic experiences were purely a product of my brain function. That all manifestations of beings and voices were merely hallucinations, and not “real” in any sense. But then one day, something happened that made me realize that there was something more going on in all of this.

I was at my house hanging out with my friend Marcus. Marcus is an intelligent person, and also deeply in tune with spiritual forces. I was in the midst of a psychotic episode, and I was hearing voices. A voice came into my consciousness. It spoke a complex sentence, not the type of common sentence you would hear in passing, like “how are you” or “what's the weather like?” I turned to Marcus, who had a peculiar twinkling in his eye. He proceeded to repeat, word for word, the sentence I had just heard in my mind. There is an infinitely small probability that this could be a coincidence. And certainly any coincidence of that degree of strangeness merits consideration. That moment showed me that I am not “crazy,” though when I am off my meds, I am not a good fit for the current society. My unmedicated self is destined to be homeless and to find himself repeatedly incarcerated. So I take my medication, but knowing that it's not to make me sane, but rather to keep me docile enough to fit in with the mainstream.

Of course, to many in the behavioral health field, entertaining these sorts of thoughts is considered dangerous. All my experiences and beliefs about my psychosis would be seen as delusional. But I dare to hold fast in my belief. There is something greater to this human experience than flesh and blood. There are forces that cannot be seen or felt by everyone, but a few may encounter them, perhaps due to some variation in their genetics or some overpowering insistence of the soul.

I could be wrong, but deep down I know there is truth in what I believe. It's funny, because at different times I believe this more or less firmly. Sometimes I go about my business as if there is no spiritual dimension to life whatsoever. Other times, I am keenly aware of the spiritual realm, and I in fact look for signs and evidence of spirit wherever I go. Right now, I am in a more spiritual phase, and it feels good. It feels like I am connecting to something beyond myself. Some force for Good that exists in the Universe. I still haven't figured out what to call it, or what other people call it. But whatever it is, it is my Lord. And I am glad, because I've finally found something much needed to lean on.
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