I Dumped A Friend...

[SierraNevadaStar]

...And I did it because it felt like the right thing for me to do. I don't feel this friend was a true friend - more like an opportunistic user who, ultimately, was not 'there' for me when I needed her and that includes during what was THE worst time of my life, recently (my son having taken gravely ill - he almost died - which led him to be in the hospital for 3 1/2 months). Her reaction to this horrible crisis in my life was anything but compassionate and supportive - rather, it was cool and emotionally-distant. Not long before that, we'd had what I would consider our first major fight. She'd behaved terribly immature (but I'd always thought of her as '30-something going on 15') abruptly storming off during an online conversation without telling me she was angry or that I'd upset her in any way. She just seemed to expect me to 'guess' that I had. Afterward, she vehemently criticized me for discussing ideas which had been hers in the first place and which she'd only been (excitedly) talking about not even a week prior. Also, she'd said a few things which really bothered me in the months leading up to my 'breaking up' with her - things that made me feel she might not have been so far removed from her parents' racist attitudes after all. Yeah, no thanks - I don't have room for racist people in my life.

I also cannot believe how much time I have free - now that I am not 'friend-sitting' this needy/clingy person and giving her relentless guidance and advice all the time (and so much more). She was also THE 'flakiest' person one could ever meet. One week she wanted to live in one place and the next, another. One week she wanted this career and the next, another. I did this with her for YEARS. It was exhausting! So, yes, I am satisfied with having done what I did. I know that she is not someone whom I would've ever normally befriended if I hadn't been feeling so lonely and isolated. Often, I would have to take periodic breaks from corresponding with her because she'd leave me feeling so drained. I liked that she was around a lot, but then I realized she wasn't around for me but for herself and whatever she could get out of me. It was a disheartening realization, but a necessary one. Now that this person isn't in my life anymore, I'm finding I've become a lot more productive and free-feeling. It's actually kind of wonderful.

However, she is not the first 'friend' I have had like this. Indeed, it seems to have become an unfortunate 'pattern' for me - attracting friends like this one into my life. They suck me dry, but then when I might need some emotional support or feedback - I get either very little or nothing at all. Indeed, they often come to treat me terribly in the end - even acting out in a verbally/emotionally abusive manner toward me if/when my own 'chips are down.' Suffice it to say, I'm quite 'fed up' with it.

So, I can only reckon that there's something in my vibration I need to change in order to attract better friends into my life. I am not sure how to go about it, but I'll put out an order to the universe as best I can. What friends I do have remaining, I hear from infrequently and I'd like to have a more consistent rapport with someone. I've come to be quite busy these day, but I also believe there's always room for a good friend in one's life - if I can just find one! ;-)

[Clio_86]

I dumped a friend this year too who sounds similar. Flakey, opportunistic, etc. She did not have my best interests or even concerns at heart and one day I called her fake and we haven't spoke since.

Honestly, if people just make you feel upset or put you in situations where you don't feel respected, or if you feel you just cant trust them - its better to go your own way.

[luke86]

I dumped today a friend too.

[Tomma]

You did the right thing. If a friendship feels draining most of the time it's time to let go.

I know that she is not someone whom I would've ever normally befriended if I hadn't been feeling so lonely and isolated.

This might be the reason why you find yourself with friends that "suck you dry". Don't be scared of feeling lonely, find and do something you can enjoy by yourself and be more picky when it comes to friends.

[Dargor]

It seems like you made the right decision to dump such a toxic person.... Don't waste time and energy on those who aren't worth it. That being said, I really wish you the best and I hope you'll find some true friends.

[Nature Grows]

I have dumped friends before to, i didn't say to them "your dumped" but i drift away from them then eventually ghost completely from there lives. Sometimes its just a good idea.

All ships passing in the night really. Problem is when you develop loyalty toward someone who seems to need help but has no consideration for you, nor gratitude for the attention, so they stay beyond their sell-by.

SierraNevadaStar's "friend" sounds positively neurotic and with these kind of people (who'd probably be best facing a therapist or shrink) sometimes I think it's best to tell them what you think of them in a tough-love kind of way. There comes a limit to everyone's patience (even God's - "he'd" go round destroying entire cities when "he" didn't like what was going on!)...
or as Nature Grows says, distance yourself slowly.

Originally Posted by SierraNevadaStar

more like an opportunistic user who, ultimately, was not 'there' for me when I needed her and that includes during what was THE worst time of my life, recently (my son having taken gravely ill - he almost died - which led him to be in the hospital for 3 1/2 months). Her reaction to this horrible crisis in my life was anything but compassionate and supportive - rather, it was cool and emotionally-distant.

And there's the test of a true friend... there, ready to support when needed - not crashing into your gig, just being there, perceptive and considerate enough to know when to be by your side....maybe doing nothing more than being your oasis of calm when things seem to be going crazy around you. This person didn't step up to the mark.

By the way, here's hoping your son made a full recovery. Such events take a huge emotional tax. Exhausting. Frightening. That isn't a time when you want someone else making demands of you or backing off when you need a helping hand.

[olhosdeamendoa]

I felt so called to reply to you because not only I dumped a similar friend like yours a few months ago, but I've had similar relationships like that as well, in romantic relationships, business and family.

It all resumes to one word: CO-DEPENDENCY!

You are putting your value and happiness in the "helping others", and you feed on that, as much as they feed on your energy.

You said it very well: you put up with that friend because you were lonely.

When we don't fill our buckets from within and keep searching in others to what we don't give ourselves, we keep repeating the same patterns, attracting abusive people and becoming dependent on the relationships dynamics, even when it makes us feel bad.

As I said, me too dumped a friend of many years a few months ago that was like that.

She has been on and off depressed for years, and always in a victim mode of "poor me". I tried to help her desperately sometimes, but guess what, she was never for me when I needed.

I realized later that she never wanted to leave the depression and be happy. That was bulls**. She was hanging on to the depression like her identity depends on it.

Like she needs that to show others how such a poor victim she is and needs everyone else to do the work for her she doesn't want to do herself.

I was already pi*** with her when one day after months of not saying anything to me, she sends me a message asking for help on how to be happy.

I mean, she didn't even ask how I am, how's my son, nothing. Just a message trying to get my energy for her selfish needs.

That was the breaking point for me. I told her EVERYTHING I didn't tell for years and told her to f*** off. For good. And to be honest, THAT was the most helpful to her I have been in years! Because I finally treated her as an adult and not as the poor little girl she always portrait herself to be. And of course, treated myself with the respect I deserve.

It felt so liberating!

After that I realized my co-dependency issues and have been working with a relationship coach on that. I feel now I'm able to love someone and be friends with someone without attachment or any disfunctional issues, because I no longer look outside myself to fill my cup.

So, take a look into that. What is that you're not giving yourself and looking for in others that makes you co-dependent on them and accepting being treated like s***?

[SierraNevadaStar]

I really appreciate the feedback from all of you and each one of of you are right.

Yes, Tomma, I do realize in my loneliness, I keep attracting these sorts of no-good people. Apart from my son, the person I most enjoy spending time with is-- well, me! I am my own best friend.

Lorelyen - you're too right. I recently read a quote that suited this situation perfectly: "The best thing about the worst time of your life is finding out who your real friends are." No kidding!

This (ex) 'friend' had the gall to tell me how she broke down in tears in coming home to her car being gone and a notice on the door about it having been impounded. When I asked why that happened she said, "Oh we didn't make our car payments." This was after I'd told her of my son's illness. That was the real deal-breaker: she can cry over her damn car being taken away when it is her fault, but be so aloof and only say that what was happening with my son was 'just crazy.' Seriously, that was her reaction - that it was 'just crazy.' Not heartfelt reactions like the following: "Oh no, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?" Or: "I care about you so much and your little guy too. Please know I am praying for him." You know, the kind of stuff you would expect someone to say in such a crisis if they were a compassionate, warm, caring and kind human being. It was at that point I said to her: "I couldn't care less about your ****ing car right now. And, 'crazy'?! That's all you can say at a time like this?! Well, gee, that's 'just crazy.' I am not even getting any feeling off you through all this. You know what? I'm done here, done with this friendship. Goodbye." She said in response (right before I hung up): "I don't think you understand what 'crazy' means. That's your problem. But fine, like whatever!" Even a therapist I later saw was stunned by this person's reaction and felt I'd done the right thing.

I am further disappointed that none of my other 'friends' have contacted me since I contacted them when my son was at his worst - not even to find out how he has been doing since. (Lorelyen - thanks for the well-wishings - my son is doing A LOT better and is basically himself again. He still has to have routine blood tests and regular scans but hopefully, those will start spacing out as time progresses and he continues to be on the mend.). These were people who were not users but flaky anyway, so I guess I should not be surprised that I never heard back from them.

To those whom it applies: you all did well to get rid of your own parasitic friends. And olhosdeamendoa -you're right, it is liberating doing so! I also have all this time to do more important things, more soul-nourishing things - things which will (hopefully) help to give my son and I not just a better present, but a better future as well.

Thanks again everyone!