Confused About DESIRE - VS - I Feel Damaged

[flippyfloppies]

Hello! I've posted in Spiritual Development about what is going on with me but it's spread throughout the thread. I will be more to the point here.

1. As a boy in middleschool + highschool I found spirituality, & I thought that I had surely found a set of rules that would help me live a meek life. However, I am now in my mid 20's and I can say that it seems spirituality has harmed me in many ways. So I have some questions to ask all of you.


DESIRE- What I don't understand is how the teacher's i've followed could tell me to destroy my desire. "DESIRE IS SUFFERING" is a common phrase I have read whenever seeking answers. Well I adopted my world view around this phrase and I feel it has harmed me tremendously in life. My reputation in my home-town is that of a vagrant, or someone that does not care what he looks like, someone that does-not take care of himself. I own no home, I own no vehicle, I live with my mother. I rarely work. Each time I get a job I feel almost trapped, & as if I am only working for my desires. However.... On the other hand, I am beginning to awaken to ideals that I had never found as a child without a father... Ideals like pride in my work. PRIDE has always been something I thought I should avoid if I wanted to live enlightened. But I am at a point where I am worried my world-view that I formed around this single teaching, is going to leave me alone, without a woman or a child. I am afraid that I got it all wrong. I feel like I went gung-ho without fully understanding the teachings. How can you delete your desire without your mind elevating you above others? How can you pick and choose which desires you delete? I assume most of you hold jobs, partners? None of you are laying in your sweat stain for weeks on end.

I will be honest, i got addicted to drugs and I had been unable to stop using them for years. Early this year, I finally went away to rehab. But during the last year of my life I had deteriorated so much. I barely ever left my bed for anything other than to go pick up the drug. & I thought that I was living piously, I thought that I was living meek. I got to the point where I was laying in my bed with my eyes closed for weeks, months... & I tried to justify this as... I was living without desire. I was living without ego. But, now that I am clean and sober from drugs I realize the spot I was in. I was often depressed. I was killing myself. I was not THRIVING.

In fact all of my life, I have used spirituality as a reason to not thrive. I got D's and F's in school because I was reading articles online telling me institutionalized learning is wrong, learn on your own. (which I did, to a monumental extent, but.... I could of learned in school as well!) I wore ragged dirty clothing all through highschool.

Another teaching that I believe I misinterpreted and molded my life-view around was the "Ego is pain" which I got from reading Eckhart Tolle books. Also, I began "quieting my mind" in the early years of highschool. Especially when in social situations.... & I believe this has caused me to STUNT my emotional growth. Rather than growing from my emotion and learning to allow it when it is beneficial and deny it when it has no grounds, I have learned to silence my thought and allow my fears and anxieties to GROW.

I am here BEGGING YOU ALL to PLEASE PLEASE set me on the path to HEAL this. I have been confused for years and years & I have gone down many wrong paths because of it. ANY ADVICE IS APPRECIATED. ANY BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS would be appreciated.

At this point I don't know if I should abandon spirituality and get lost in the world or what.... I feel like I really harmed myself all these years, having MISINTERPRETED the teachings I held so high.

[Samana]

Hello flippyfloppies,

I think it would be a good idea to give up drugs completely in order to clear your mind and body, then get a job and do your best to keep doing it so that you can be responsible and supportive towards your mother and earn a living.

If you are interested in Buddhism then I suggest that first you read about the historical Buddha's core teachings of The Four Noble Truths in this little book by Ajahn Sumedho which can be read online:

http://www.amaravati.org/dhamma-book...-noble-truths/

Hope that helps a little.

All the best to you,

Sam.

[flippyfloppies]

I haven't used drugs in a long time now & I am working.

Thank you for the recommendation!

[sky]

It sounds as though you became attatched to the idea of living with no desires and this has caused the suffering, not the desires.
Buddha taught that there are wholesome and unwholesome desires, you have to choose which are healthy and make your life fruitful, and discard the unhealthy ( Drugs ) . You cannot live without desires otherwise we wouldn't get out of bed each day, they become a problem when they become compulsive and you can't let go of them.
Feed the healthy ones, starve the unhealthy and move on with your life,you say you have stopped using drugs and you are now working, you can desire to continue with these actions, they are very healthy and in the future will improve your life and you Mums

[RyanWind]

Originally Posted by flippyfloppies

At this point I don't know if I should abandon spirituality and get lost in the world or what....

Well you would not really be abandoning spirituality. You are a spiritual being buried down under all of this human animal stuff. You would just be abandoning some beliefs or ideas you have been attached to that have made your life a mess.

I would say read the book, "Journey of Souls" by Michael Newton and his follow up book, Destiny of Souls: New Case Studies of Life Between Lives.

Then watch these movies:

Hair (1979) Staring John Savage and Treat Williams
Defending Your Life (1991) Staring Albert Brooks
Billy Jack Staring Tom Laughlin
Thunderheart Starting Val Kilmer
The Trouble With Angels (1966) Staring Rosalind Russel, Hayley Mills

If you could do all of that, your minds ideas about what spirituality is about will be opened up. There's actually a lot of Buddhism in the Movie "The Trouble with Angels" though most would just see it as a silly comedy. There is a scene where the girl is visiting an old folks home and has an insight similar to Buddha's when he first journeyed into the world and saw what old age and death was. It's amazing stuff. Really deep if you pay attention.

Spirituality is about causing no conflict in yourself and others, about causing no suffering in yourself and others. It is about giving, not taking, listening, not speaking, loving, not hating. It's not so much about what you give up, it is about what you create.

[flippyfloppies]

thank you so much for the book and movie recommendations RyanWind!! This is a fantastic suggestion as I am hoping that I can read up on spirituality & buddhist teachings and figure out where I went wrong!

[A human Being]

Oh dear, it does pain me when I hear about people going to war with their desires. Because all this inner conflict seems to achieve is to create a lot of angst, guilt, self-loathing, and just this poisonous feeling of being deficient, irredeemable, shameful. How are we ever to find peace if we've got all that raging inside us? And, rather than eliminating desire, doesn't it create an unhealthy desire to be other than we are?

So, my advice is - don't go to war with desire. Acknowledge your desire, when it arises (as well as any other feelings that may accompany it, such as shame or guilt), and relax and open to it. Don't act on it, don't try to push it away, but simply allow it to bloom within you, and become intimate with the sensation of desire, without any mental interference.

That you have desires, does not make you a bad person.

[Busby]

There's only one person who can change anything in your life and that's you. If you are not happy - change it. You won't get anywhere by reading books or by watching films - you need action.

Everything we do mirrors back onto each of us and also reflects outwards. If you name yourself 'flippyfloppies' and see yourself a slovenly and 'lost' so it will be. Flippyfloppies adhere to the lowest part of the human form - call yourself 'bright eyes' or 'Atomic Head' - or something - change your view of yourself. Allow your horizon to expand.

Go out and do some volutary work - there are plenty of people who will be glad of your help and you'll see how many doors will suddenly open and then you can take pride in your efforts. Start anywhere. You'll make friends.

Being spiritual doesn't mean wanting to achieve meekness. Who wants to inherit the Earth when the universe has two trillion galaxies. This world (the one you are the centrepoint of) is the same world as Donald Trump's - it's just that he thinks differently. There is no way to think correctly - just get up and get on with things and do them.

I know this because of my personal life - just in case you are wondering.

[RyanWind]

Originally Posted by Busby

You won't get anywhere by reading books or by watching films - you need action.

Yea from a practical stand point there could be some mental and family issues to deal with. It can be a long journey figuring out ourselves and finding a way to peace and stability. You can't really know a person's situation from reading a few posts but I would say things like, change ones lifestyle. Walk a few hours everyday learning to relax and be kind to yourself. Eat good with lots of vegetables and organic food and clean water. Get a high school diploma if you don't have one. Take some classes at a Community college. Start slow and build yourself up. Figure out what kind of job or career you want. Sometimes, if stress and a lack of financial support are issues, a simple desk job in the military can be a good way to go since one is taken care of pretty much in these kinds of lifestyles and friends are easy to get. Like a Personnel Specialist, or some other low stress military job.

Something maybe missed is the fact Tolle has desire or things he wants. First of all, he has a girl friend. Obviously some desire there. Secondly, the whole reason he does what he does is he had a desire to be free from his severe mental depression. He wrote a book and gives lectures because he has a desire to make money. He studied philosophy for years and years before his liberation because he had a desire to find a way out of his suffering. His talks still include references to Buddha and Lao Tzu for example which shows he still studies and thinks about these things. So it's not really that these "guru's" don't have desires or want things in their lives.

I know a lot of people who's thinking never drives them crazy. They are quite happy in life and have no conflicts with their thoughts. They don't suffer from depression like Tolle did. So one only needs medicine if they are sick. Tolle needed a way to be different and escape his depression and he found it. If a person is not depressed in this way, they don't need what Tolle did.

[naturesflow]

Originally Posted by flippyfloppies

Hello! I've posted in Spiritual Development about what is going on with me but it's spread throughout the thread. I will be more to the point here.

1. As a boy in middleschool + highschool I found spirituality, & I thought that I had surely found a set of rules that would help me live a meek life. However, I am now in my mid 20's and I can say that it seems spirituality has harmed me in many ways. So I have some questions to ask all of you.


DESIRE- What I don't understand is how the teacher's i've followed could tell me to destroy my desire. "DESIRE IS SUFFERING" is a common phrase I have read whenever seeking answers. Well I adopted my world view around this phrase and I feel it has harmed me tremendously in life. My reputation in my home-town is that of a vagrant, or someone that does not care what he looks like, someone that does-not take care of himself. I own no home, I own no vehicle, I live with my mother. I rarely work. Each time I get a job I feel almost trapped, & as if I am only working for my desires. However.... On the other hand, I am beginning to awaken to ideals that I had never found as a child without a father... Ideals like pride in my work. PRIDE has always been something I thought I should avoid if I wanted to live enlightened. But I am at a point where I am worried my world-view that I formed around this single teaching, is going to leave me alone, without a woman or a child. I am afraid that I got it all wrong. I feel like I went gung-ho without fully understanding the teachings. How can you delete your desire without your mind elevating you above others? How can you pick and choose which desires you delete? I assume most of you hold jobs, partners? None of you are laying in your sweat stain for weeks on end.

I will be honest, i got addicted to drugs and I had been unable to stop using them for years. Early this year, I finally went away to rehab. But during the last year of my life I had deteriorated so much. I barely ever left my bed for anything other than to go pick up the drug. & I thought that I was living piously, I thought that I was living meek. I got to the point where I was laying in my bed with my eyes closed for weeks, months... & I tried to justify this as... I was living without desire. I was living without ego. But, now that I am clean and sober from drugs I realize the spot I was in. I was often depressed. I was killing myself. I was not THRIVING.

In fact all of my life, I have used spirituality as a reason to not thrive. I got D's and F's in school because I was reading articles online telling me institutionalized learning is wrong, learn on your own. (which I did, to a monumental extent, but.... I could of learned in school as well!) I wore ragged dirty clothing all through highschool.

Another teaching that I believe I misinterpreted and molded my life-view around was the "Ego is pain" which I got from reading Eckhart Tolle books. Also, I began "quieting my mind" in the early years of highschool. Especially when in social situations.... & I believe this has caused me to STUNT my emotional growth. Rather than growing from my emotion and learning to allow it when it is beneficial and deny it when it has no grounds, I have learned to silence my thought and allow my fears and anxieties to GROW.

I am here BEGGING YOU ALL to PLEASE PLEASE set me on the path to HEAL this. I have been confused for years and years & I have gone down many wrong paths because of it. ANY ADVICE IS APPRECIATED. ANY BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS would be appreciated.

At this point I don't know if I should abandon spirituality and get lost in the world or what.... I feel like I really harmed myself all these years, having MISINTERPRETED the teachings I held so high.

What you are is inclusive of everything you are from the time you are born (I only speak of this life as I only know the truth of this life in myself) right through to this current moment.

Healing the inner child is where I would focus if it were me. It seems like you have moved through some deeper levels early on in life, but your inner child needs to catch up to all that in a more inclusive healed connection all round.

If you cant afford to see a professional person to start this process, I would find a good book that speaks of this process, to begin to understand you from the earliest of your foundations. The first five years is your foundation that moves you into a life that creates much of what your experiencing.

It is where fears are programmed, anxiety and how we interact with the world and others come into being and set us up for life, until we go back and look at what is working and what is not. It is where we can learn to let go and open deeper to the nature of what is in us formed and creating the life we are living.

When you are not integrated more complete, the wisdom and awareness of spiritual teachings, will eventually open you to see what you house in you, contain and push aside in the process of those things.

Integration doesn't leave anything out. It is the deeper process of healing, change and creating a new life for yourself. It lets go of what is not working, it creates a new way of being. It changes patterns more deeply and allows for new patterns of living to come alive.

There are no shortcuts to healing the wounded inner child. spiritual wisdom is only the beginning to make you aware of a greater wisdom that supports life in some way. The greater you can only open to the greater wisdom as a more holistic way of being when it understands the whole self integrated into the wisdom as one.

When people try to tell you how to live your life and do things and you take it as gospel, you cut off part of your own sense of self and listening. So even as I am sharing this as I listen more deeply to you, you have to let all information settle in you and listen deeper to the first right move for you.

The resonation of that step can be heard in you. It is important to discern knowledge and awareness and know that within you is the place to start and move to. So listen deeper to the resonation and don't take what others say as gospel.

People if they are more open and aware to themselves, would know to not entertain ideas that this or that wont work, that this or that will.

It is not about what others are saying, but what you are open in yourself to listen too that feels right and sure for you.

RIGHT and SURE for you. That is what your inner child can form for itself, when it lets go of fear and heals that loss. Always seek support where you feel you cannot deal and face things, but always ensure you are more clear in you about moving and receiving that support. When something feels right, your gut feels it as right. Always move yourself in life with more care about your own needs listening to your gut. That deep place where you sit with things and listen and get clear in you. When your clear about what to do, it feels right, it feels clear, you move into action. When it isn't clear and your all over the place in response then you are hasty and rushing process and this can lead you to going in circles.... Let yourself process more and listen deeper. Sit with the offerings before making choices to hasty... Hope this helps in some small way.