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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #21  
Old Yesterday, 10:29 AM
FairyCrystal FairyCrystal is offline
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All I can say is, be really honest to yourself. What do you need and can you live with not getting it? Can you really see your feelings of discontent disappear or do you think they'll get worse as it grates on you?
If you leave your feelings for this particular man out of it (as far as possible) for a minute, is this really how you want your partner to be? How you want to be treated? Or do you want a man who makes you feel like a woman?

The man I'm with is a real masculine energy man, I've never been with one before myself, I doubt I've ever even met one before that was truly empowered in his masculinity. And I can say that it is such a relief! I do not have to carry the masculine stuff anymore, it's like a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders.
I don't want another child (had that in my first partner), I want a man! Someone who provides and protects, carries the masculine load, carries his own weight, doesn't lean on me. It's about complementing. Yang to my Yin.
If you truly are Yin deep down and this guy is not a Yang, he won't 'fit'. He won't complement you.
He sounds very immature, not having worked out his issues at all yet. He basically uses you for his needs (sleeping on your chest, disturbing your sleep and/or how you rest comfortably, not giving a toss if you are comfy or not), and when he has no need of you, he lets you sort out your own stuff (the paying).
Are you going to wait around and see if he will work out his issues? He may never do that. He likely won't because he's probably quite happy. He gets what he needs, when he needs it.
Have you ever considered saying "No"? If he taps your shoulder "No, I'm not comfortable that way. I want to sleep on my side."

Have you ever talked to him about this? I think when you stop 'feeding' his needs without question, he will disappear real fast. And find himself another "mommy"...

I do not agree with Rozie that you are expecting him to fulfill your emotional needs. It doesn't read as if you do. But you do need a partner who is a certain way, who complements you as an individual. Then you have to make sure you find such a partner.
And needing a complementary partner is not the same as expecting someone to fulfill your needs. It's knowing what you need in order to be happy in life.
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  #22  
Old Yesterday, 05:00 PM
Element 5 Element 5 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lynn
Hello

It all depends on how much your willing to honestly at times "put up with" as so many are looking for "mommy" as that aspect of their upbringing never had the umbilical cord cut at times.

I was "mommy" for 33 years to my now ex....did almost everything at times a mom does for a child. Yet to most he seemed very functional. It was not that way at home. It was to the point where he had a "Blanket like Linus from the Peanuts" that he had me mend so many times. I of course fell into doing it, he would make demands and I bowed to them.

Now I have a "messy" one LOL but he is loving and gentle to me. I can put up with mess as that I can work with cleaning up. He makes no demands on me but does like his back tickled when I wake up in the middle of the night. I am OK with that one as he too massages my aching shoulder.

Relationships are about the "Give and Take" in sharing. If you can find that you can slide by the smaller things. Head in the lap though HMMMM. I think I might draw the line there. LOL a fart of two might fix that one for good.


Lynn

Lynn, you are hilarious!! Honestly, I often fear that it could happen! Hard to relax when someone is laying on your lap! It literally winds up my stomach and I do get uncomfortable. The give and take is what I'm looking for. And I really haven't tried ASKING for anything the way he does. Maybe that's where I need to be more assertive. If he wants something, he asks. But, because he is not verbally or emotionally expressive, I think I keep my desires to myself. I have this underlying fear that he won't speak up if he doesn't want to do things, and I fear that unspoken rejection. I have my own set of problems no doubt.
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  #23  
Old Yesterday, 05:06 PM
Element 5 Element 5 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FairyCrystal
All I can say is, be really honest to yourself. What do you need and can you live with not getting it? Can you really see your feelings of discontent disappear or do you think they'll get worse as it grates on you?
If you leave your feelings for this particular man out of it (as far as possible) for a minute, is this really how you want your partner to be? How you want to be treated? Or do you want a man who makes you feel like a woman?

The man I'm with is a real masculine energy man, I've never been with one before myself, I doubt I've ever even met one before that was truly empowered in his masculinity. And I can say that it is such a relief! I do not have to carry the masculine stuff anymore, it's like a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders.
I don't want another child (had that in my first partner), I want a man! Someone who provides and protects, carries the masculine load, carries his own weight, doesn't lean on me. It's about complementing. Yang to my Yin.
If you truly are Yin deep down and this guy is not a Yang, he won't 'fit'. He won't complement you.
He sounds very immature, not having worked out his issues at all yet. He basically uses you for his needs (sleeping on your chest, disturbing your sleep and/or how you rest comfortably, not giving a toss if you are comfy or not), and when he has no need of you, he lets you sort out your own stuff (the paying).
Are you going to wait around and see if he will work out his issues? He may never do that. He likely won't because he's probably quite happy. He gets what he needs, when he needs it.
Have you ever considered saying "No"? If he taps your shoulder "No, I'm not comfortable that way. I want to sleep on my side."

Have you ever talked to him about this? I think when you stop 'feeding' his needs without question, he will disappear real fast. And find himself another "mommy"...

I do not agree with Rozie that you are expecting him to fulfill your emotional needs. It doesn't read as if you do. But you do need a partner who is a certain way, who complements you as an individual. Then you have to make sure you find such a partner.
And needing a complementary partner is not the same as expecting someone to fulfill your needs. It's knowing what you need in order to be happy in life.


Your description is exactly what I want. I want him to carry the bulk of the masculine energy. I often feel like I'm carrying both energies and he's more like the child. I don't want to be his 'parents'. I want to be comforted and feel feminine. Him laying on me all the time feels like a sort of sheltering to him, like I'm his protector...and that's what I want to feel like. I resent that he sort of steals that from me.

I have been telling him no when he wants to do these things and I'm not up for it. I have even mentioned that I would like to be the spoonee instead of the spooner sometimes. His response was that he doesn't like to lay on his left side. Such a nonsensical excuse. So, yes, I've stopped allowing it like I used to and have even verbalized it. I supposed I will have to have a 'talk' about it to really get through to him.
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  #24  
Old Yesterday, 05:15 PM
Element 5 Element 5 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rozie
I would worry about your own issues rather then his. You either accept someone as they are or move on. You aren't going to change him. It isn't your job to change him. It is your job to work on your own issues.

Once you understand how he is and where he is coming from, then you can work with him better. That would be making adjustments and trying to achieve balance. There are advantages and disadvantages and only you can say what is reasonable for you. You cannot expect someone else to fulfill your emotional needs. A partnership is about working together and companionship and family.

We do have needs and wants and it is only fair to provide comfort and love and expect that in return in whatever way works for you. You need to be clear with yourself and with your partner about what you are willing to do and what you need. First you deal with your own issues and don't lay them at his feet.

The paying thing is something I understand. I don't like to be paid for and I like to pay. It is kind of a control issue. That is my issue. My budget and responsibilities are my issue. It would be up to me to say what I need. I would say "I am broke but I want to pay my way. I will treat sometimes and you will treat sometimes but I will only pay what I can afford. If you want to do something more expensive then you pay." Something like that.

If you are feeling pressured to participate in gatherings that are too expensive for you, then don't go.

It is important to say what you want. You don't always want the man to pay but you want him to treat you like a lady. Prince Charming would pull your chair out and open the door for you, simply because he is charming.

I agree with your perspective. And I'm really trying to work everything out both on my end and in understanding where he's coming from. I do believe in letting people know what you need and giving them the opportunity to at least know what you need rather than walk out on them. I'm the biggest believer that people don't change their core, and definitely not FOR someone else. But, I do believe that they need to know what you're thinking and how you feel about things so they may be able to work with you on things you need. I'm willing to do that for him, except he doesn't talk to me about how he feels about anything. He is the definition of non-expressive. And so, because he's closed up, I don't feel like I can tell him how I feel. I've done it, and he says almost nothing. He may say, I understand, or that makes sense, but there is no elaboration. And honestly, it makes me feel horrible. I go out on a limb with my feelings and he doesn't acknowledge them. If he were a better communicator, I may not have even felt the need to post about our relationship.
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  #25  
Old Yesterday, 05:19 PM
Element 5 Element 5 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 7luminaries
Element hello there!

IMO his actions are conniving and exploitative. And above all selfish.
And from his perspective, it's quite efficient -- as it's really working for him to be selfish and let others do without, or else to wait for them to step up and cater to him.

IMO...instead of making excuses for folks like this, I say call it out and divert that time and energy and $$ back to yourself, your children, and his child (or tell him he needs to be doing it, for her sake).

He may or may not change, and if he does change at all, it will usually be quite small and over many years.

It's really up to you to decide how much you value yourself. Because you are more than just his mommy and sex partner and his sometimes-wallet.

It's up to you to decide if your role in life is truly to be his step-and-fetchit, or whether he can get his own damn coffee & sammich from now on.

And pay for it too for God's sake.

Peace & blessings
7L

His own mother said to me that he was selfish once. She has a lot to do with that though I think, having catered to him his entire childhood. But, I know part of it is just the way he's built. I've known him since we were 8 so I remember parts of his personality. It's really hard to walk away from all the good things because of the shortcomings. But, I also know that my fear of being taken for granted may never subside.
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  #26  
Old Yesterday, 05:36 PM
FairyCrystal FairyCrystal is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Element 5
His own mother said to me that he was selfish once. She has a lot to do with that though I think, having catered to him his entire childhood. But, I know part of it is just the way he's built. I've known him since we were 8 so I remember parts of his personality. It's really hard to walk away from all the good things because of the shortcomings. But, I also know that my fear of being taken for granted may never subside.
Just bear in mind that it is ALWAYS difficult to walk away from a relationship, because there is always something good that you do not want to miss. I even had that with my narcissistic ex, a relationship with lots and lots of abuse. Every version of abuse you can possibly think of. And still I found it difficult to let go of the good things that were there also...
So bear that in mind. Walking away from someone isn't something you do with pleasure, but because the relationship didn't work out. Meaning you also have to let go of the good things that were left, however few they may be, AND all the hopes and dreams you had when you entered in this relationship...

And I don't know you, maybe you indeed do have a fear of being taken for granted (this guy does it for sure from what I gather, so he doesn't help and gives you good reason to feel take for granted at that!), but not having your needs met because a partner isn't the right match is something different.
The first is an issue you may need to work on if it affects you too much, the latter is a matter of hooking up with the wrong person. The wrong person could of course enhance your fear, the right person won't. Or not nearly as much, and will help you heal and learn to trust.

And yes, it is wonderful to be with a masculine energy man :) But a guy like yours who has so many issues may not ever get there. I don't think you should count on it, as that's waiting for him to change. You cannot change someone, ever, and if he doesn't feel the need for it, he won't.
You can only express very clearly to him what it is you do need, so not just what you don't want, but also what you do want. If then he still doesn't make you happy, well... then you can either continue to grow increasingly unhappy or end things, work through it and set yourself up for a great match.
Relationships like this can help tremendously to get clear for yourself what it is you do want and what not. To get clear what you want in and out of a relationship. There's always a good thing, a lesson, you can learn :)

Good luck, whatever you do.
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  #27  
Old Yesterday, 05:54 PM
Lynn Lynn is offline
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Hello

I have learned that if one stays silent then one holds it all inside and nothing changes. It becomes a place of feeling trapped and held in place where there is not growth. We need to be able to communicate so I would wonder what is there that makes him want to do this. There is something that had effected him that he is holding onto.

I know that I lived in fear and took on the role of "duty" for far too long in my first relationship. Now I know that its give and take and communications is key to make things flow. At times its conversations that are hard to have that lead to the most growth.

As Heart and I had both been abused on many levels sexually we had to learn to communicate without words in the same bed. The simplest of touch would make us both ball up in the fetal position out of not "wanting touched" in that way. Waking hours was fine. We had to learn to leave that fear behind and share the bed.

We all have our issues and its with communications we clear them. If he shuts down then keep slowly finding a way to bring it up. As Heart and I are so connected it is hard to hide and hold things from the other but still we at times try to do so.

Too I honestly let it "RIP" as does Heart both having hernia issues we hold excess gas at times. We just laugh it off now. Pressure on the belly cuddling in bed might well lead to being gassed on LOL.

Lynn
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  #28  
Old Yesterday, 07:25 PM
Element 5 Element 5 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FairyCrystal
Just bear in mind that it is ALWAYS difficult to walk away from a relationship, because there is always something good that you do not want to miss. I even had that with my narcissistic ex, a relationship with lots and lots of abuse. Every version of abuse you can possibly think of. And still I found it difficult to let go of the good things that were there also...
So bear that in mind. Walking away from someone isn't something you do with pleasure, but because the relationship didn't work out. Meaning you also have to let go of the good things that were left, however few they may be, AND all the hopes and dreams you had when you entered in this relationship...

And I don't know you, maybe you indeed do have a fear of being taken for granted (this guy does it for sure from what I gather, so he doesn't help and gives you good reason to feel take for granted at that!), but not having your needs met because a partner isn't the right match is something different.
The first is an issue you may need to work on if it affects you too much, the latter is a matter of hooking up with the wrong person. The wrong person could of course enhance your fear, the right person won't. Or not nearly as much, and will help you heal and learn to trust.

And yes, it is wonderful to be with a masculine energy man :) But a guy like yours who has so many issues may not ever get there. I don't think you should count on it, as that's waiting for him to change. You cannot change someone, ever, and if he doesn't feel the need for it, he won't.
You can only express very clearly to him what it is you do need, so not just what you don't want, but also what you do want. If then he still doesn't make you happy, well... then you can either continue to grow increasingly unhappy or end things, work through it and set yourself up for a great match.
Relationships like this can help tremendously to get clear for yourself what it is you do want and what not. To get clear what you want in and out of a relationship. There's always a good thing, a lesson, you can learn :)

Good luck, whatever you do.

You have a great insight into this! Thank you for your advice!!
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  #29  
Old Yesterday, 07:29 PM
Element 5 Element 5 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lynn
Hello

I have learned that if one stays silent then one holds it all inside and nothing changes. It becomes a place of feeling trapped and held in place where there is not growth. We need to be able to communicate so I would wonder what is there that makes him want to do this. There is something that had effected him that he is holding onto.

I know that I lived in fear and took on the role of "duty" for far too long in my first relationship. Now I know that its give and take and communications is key to make things flow. At times its conversations that are hard to have that lead to the most growth.

As Heart and I had both been abused on many levels sexually we had to learn to communicate without words in the same bed. The simplest of touch would make us both ball up in the fetal position out of not "wanting touched" in that way. Waking hours was fine. We had to learn to leave that fear behind and share the bed.

We all have our issues and its with communications we clear them. If he shuts down then keep slowly finding a way to bring it up. As Heart and I are so connected it is hard to hide and hold things from the other but still we at times try to do so.

Too I honestly let it "RIP" as does Heart both having hernia issues we hold excess gas at times. We just laugh it off now. Pressure on the belly cuddling in bed might well lead to being gassed on LOL.

Lynn


Yes!! I get nervous when he does this!

I think, because I'm not at all ready to give up on this guy, what you say about bringing things up is the best way to handle it. I think if I'm open and not afraid with him, it will at least open a door that he would probably never open on his own. But, if I just keep closed up the way he is, resentment is sure to fester and then boil over at the wrong time.
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