I can't find the message.

[authentic]

After my partner of 10 years ended things very abruptly, I moved across the country back to my hometown to start fresh. By last summer, about 8 months after moving, I started toying with the idea of going back to school because I wanted to take care of the elderly.

The day after I started looking at schools to apply to, I had an incident at work. I had to call 911 for an elderly woman who had fallen. That was when I decided for sure I wanted to work in healthcare.

That was when it all started. From that point on, I was always the one getting 911 calls during my shifts. They kept progressing. The week before I started my course and got my first aid training, more falls. Helping paramedics load people onto stretchers.

Eventually I started thinking about working in end-of-life care specifically. Right before we started that unit, I had another 911 call. An older gentleman was having trouble breathing. I waited with him for the ambulance. He thanked me for staying with him, I said there's no way I would leave him alone. I found out later from a coworker he passed away at the hospital.

Another person who always came by my work was having trouble walking one day. Again I had to call. Next time I saw him, he thanked me. Turns out he had a bad infection in his leg and would've died had he not gotten surgery. That was a few months ago.

A couple weeks ago, I walked in on that same person unresponsive. I had to do chest compressions for the first time. I will never forget what I walked into that day. Paramedics said he had already been gone for several hours, possibly since the previous day. It was an overdose.

I've had nightmares every night, I see his blue face every time I close my eyes. I know there was nothing I could've done, but the guilt is eating me up.

I don't know what my angels are trying to tell me. I don't know why they keep testing me, why these incidents just keep getting worse and worse. Are they trying to teach me how to be strong? How to let go? I can't take it anymore.

I feel like something has changed inside. I can't pinpoint what. I just feel so bad I didn't find him sooner. I'm sorry I couldn't save him this time, god knows I tried so hard. I cried as I did compressions. He was so young.

Is there a spiritual meaning behind such emergencies? There's so many employees at my work, and I even dropped from full to part-time and I'm still the only one running into these situations.

This can't just be a coincidence.

Thank you for reading. ♥

[FallingLeaves]

i think they are asking if you really want to do this? By giving you a taste of what you will deal with day in and day out? Seriously, you might want to consider if this is really the life you want.

[authentic]

Thanks for your reply. :) It is definitely what I want to do with my life. Dealing with an 80 or 90 year old passing away is a little different than walking into a sudden overdose (at least to me, anyway). Elderly deaths are kind of expected. Plus a lot of times you normally see their decline. I've been taking care of them in an old folks home for the last month and it's been rewarding already. Nothing beats getting a big smile from a 90 year old who remembers your name.

I also find it weird because I tend to be anxious about weird small things, but then fairly calm during emergencies.

My current job where all the 911 calls are happening isn't in the healthcare field, I'm just there part-time while studying in school. Maybe I keep getting them to show me I am going into the right field? I don't know. It's so weird.

[Empowers]

I'd like to talk about the trauma you're experiencing having found the man. Please remember that you are human too. It happens that regardless of any particular grief we may feel when someone dies, we might also experience a trauma-like reaction. What you have described seems to me to be symptoms of a trauma reaction. It's important to deal with those so that you can heal.

The way I've dealt with them is by sharing the story, the feeling, the visuals. It allows them to move outside and not be trapped in my consciousness, reverberating, causing me to suffer alone. Sharing (mourning) helps us release that which needs release - it's why religion's confession feels good, it's why AA says to share with God and one other person. It is the sharing of a burden that you don't have to carry alone.

Maybe writing about it here has been good enough but if not, perhaps find a trusting and compassionate friend that will listen. If not, there is a grief forum that you can write with people who may have experienced similar symptoms and can give you more ideas from their experience.

From a universal perspective, perhaps it's not a message you are getting? Did you allow yourself to fully grieve the loss of your relationship? You seem to have moved very quickly which people advise against from an emotional perspective. Maybe the universe is putting you in the right place at the right time to try to trigger some of the grief you have not dealt with?

Maybe it's not about a message and maybe it's not about grieving? Maybe you opened yourself wide and these souls have decided to take the opportunity while this open and compassionate person is around. But if this is the case, you can gently change your mind by sending out a "thank you but I need to protect myself now" and that's ok.

A very profound statement I read once: the meaning of life is the meaning you give it.

Muse over the possibilities but finally use the experience to make choices that align with you and who you want to be. If you are still, you will feel when things are in alignment in your thoughts.

[Compendium]

Since empowers talked about your trauma I want to bring up synchronicity.

911 is particular to lightworkers and since you where there during their time of need you helped them shoulder the burden and fear. Even for the poor man who overdosed. I am sure he was hanging around his vessel and seeing that someone really cared about his life helped eased his soul I am sure. Sometimes people are attracted to us as lightworkers in their time of tribulation. You give them a beacon of light in their darkness.

Namaste`

[authentic]

Originally Posted by Empowers

I'd like to talk about the trauma you're experiencing having found the man. Please remember that you are human too. It happens that regardless of any particular grief we may feel when someone dies, we might also experience a trauma-like reaction. What you have described seems to me to be symptoms of a trauma reaction. It's important to deal with those so that you can heal.

The way I've dealt with them is by sharing the story, the feeling, the visuals. It allows them to move outside and not be trapped in my consciousness, reverberating, causing me to suffer alone. Sharing (mourning) helps us release that which needs release - it's why religion's confession feels good, it's why AA says to share with God and one other person. It is the sharing of a burden that you don't have to carry alone.

Maybe writing about it here has been good enough but if not, perhaps find a trusting and compassionate friend that will listen. If not, there is a grief forum that you can write with people who may have experienced similar symptoms and can give you more ideas from their experience.

From a universal perspective, perhaps it's not a message you are getting? Did you allow yourself to fully grieve the loss of your relationship? You seem to have moved very quickly which people advise against from an emotional perspective. Maybe the universe is putting you in the right place at the right time to try to trigger some of the grief you have not dealt with?

Maybe it's not about a message and maybe it's not about grieving? Maybe you opened yourself wide and these souls have decided to take the opportunity while this open and compassionate person is around. But if this is the case, you can gently change your mind by sending out a "thank you but I need to protect myself now" and that's ok.

A very profound statement I read once: the meaning of life is the meaning you give it.

Muse over the possibilities but finally use the experience to make choices that align with you and who you want to be. If you are still, you will feel when things are in alignment in your thoughts.

Thank you for such an insightful reply.

Regarding the man I found, I definitely agree... I'm for sure experiencing a trauma-like reaction. 100%. Victim services has been great, my family/friends/coworkers have also been great. I've already been in touch with my doctor and am just waiting for a mental health professional who specializes in trauma/grief/ptsd counselling to get in touch with me. I've been sharing quite a bit with all the previous people I mentioned, however, I have noticed I'm starting to feel like a bit of a burden at times (even though I know that's not true). Even my classmates and instructor have debriefed with me and had wonderful suggestions. I know I need to just process things and feel them rather than stuff them down. These last couple of days though, I feel like no matter how much I talk about it... I can start to have those moments where I feel a little bit better, but then once I'm completely alone not talking to anyone (ie: when I'm trying to sleep), it just comes right back. Thank you for your suggestion about the grief forum, I didn't realize there was one. I apologize if I posted this in the wrong spot (and also for some reason it posted the thread twice - not sure what that was about!).

I do agree it may be actually about grieving in general. That's a really interesting point. I definitely think it could be about grieving and letting go. My relationship was very toxic and there was some narcissistic abuse. I did move quickly, he kicked me out of our house so I had no choice but to move. It was fast, yes but it was very healing actually -- I went from being with him, not having many friends in that city -- to being surrounded by all of my closest best friends. I've grown leaps and bounds from where I was, truly. However, even with the progress I've made in terms of healing from the relationship -- I'll be the first to admit, it is still a work in progress. It was a very long relationship.

Actually, it's interesting. Now that you mention all of that...in some ways, part of me feels like me finding the man actually helped me move on even more so from my ex. My ex picked a fight with me the day after I found the man -- and in that moment I just snapped and decided I didn't want to deal with him any longer, ever again. I truly saw him for who he is.

I also appreciate what you said about maybe they decided to use the opportunity while there was a compassionate person around. I love the idea of saying "thank you but I need to protect myself now" ... I find that extremely comforting. I feel like that could help redirect my mind when I'm falling asleep at night. not that I want to ignore the thoughts coming in, but maybe to try and ease the frequency a bit.

I know the man I found was grateful the first time I helped him, and I'm sure he knows I tried my best the second time around and I stayed and said farewell when they removed his body. My coworkers always complained about the guy but I enjoyed talking and joking with him, so maybe I can take some solace in knowing it may have given him comfort with me being the one to find him perhaps.

Thank you so much for the quote, I love that. It's so true. I'm trying to focus on the healing aspect and how this is making me stronger, and preparing me even more for my career.

Thank you so, so much. ♥

[authentic]

Originally Posted by Empowers

I'd like to talk about the trauma you're experiencing having found the man. Please remember that you are human too. It happens that regardless of any particular grief we may feel when someone dies, we might also experience a trauma-like reaction. What you have described seems to me to be symptoms of a trauma reaction. It's important to deal with those so that you can heal.

The way I've dealt with them is by sharing the story, the feeling, the visuals. It allows them to move outside and not be trapped in my consciousness, reverberating, causing me to suffer alone. Sharing (mourning) helps us release that which needs release - it's why religion's confession feels good, it's why AA says to share with God and one other person. It is the sharing of a burden that you don't have to carry alone.

Maybe writing about it here has been good enough but if not, perhaps find a trusting and compassionate friend that will listen. If not, there is a grief forum that you can write with people who may have experienced similar symptoms and can give you more ideas from their experience.

From a universal perspective, perhaps it's not a message you are getting? Did you allow yourself to fully grieve the loss of your relationship? You seem to have moved very quickly which people advise against from an emotional perspective. Maybe the universe is putting you in the right place at the right time to try to trigger some of the grief you have not dealt with?

Maybe it's not about a message and maybe it's not about grieving? Maybe you opened yourself wide and these souls have decided to take the opportunity while this open and compassionate person is around. But if this is the case, you can gently change your mind by sending out a "thank you but I need to protect myself now" and that's ok.

A very profound statement I read once: the meaning of life is the meaning you give it.

Muse over the possibilities but finally use the experience to make choices that align with you and who you want to be. If you are still, you will feel when things are in alignment in your thoughts.

Thank you for such an insightful reply.

Regarding the man I found, I definitely agree... I'm for sure experiencing a trauma-like reaction. 100%. Victim services has been great, my family/friends/coworkers have also been great. I've already been in touch with my doctor and am just waiting for a mental health professional who specializes in trauma/grief/ptsd counselling to get in touch with me. I've been sharing quite a bit with all the previous people I mentioned, however, I have noticed I'm starting to feel like a bit of a burden at times (even though I know that's not true). Even my classmates and instructor have debriefed with me and had wonderful suggestions. I know I need to just process things and feel them rather than stuff them down. These last couple of days though, I feel like no matter how much I talk about it... I can start to have those moments where I feel a little bit better, but then once I'm completely alone not talking to anyone (ie: when I'm trying to sleep), it just comes right back. Thank you for your suggestion about the grief forum, I didn't realize there was one. I apologize if I posted this in the wrong spot (and also for some reason it posted the thread twice - not sure what that was about!).

I do agree it may be actually about grieving in general. That's a really interesting point. I definitely think it could be about grieving and letting go. My relationship was very toxic and there was some narcissistic abuse. I did move quickly, he kicked me out of our house so I had no choice but to move. It was fast, yes but it was very healing actually -- I went from being with him, not having many friends in that city -- to being surrounded by all of my closest best friends. I've grown leaps and bounds from where I was, truly. However, even with the progress I've made in terms of healing from the relationship -- I'll be the first to admit, it is still a work in progress. It was a very long relationship.

Actually, it's interesting. Now that you mention all of that...in some ways, part of me feels like me finding the man actually helped me move on even more so from my ex. My ex picked a fight with me the day after I found the man -- and in that moment I just snapped and decided I didn't want to deal with him any longer, ever again. I truly saw him for who he is.

I also appreciate what you said about maybe they decided to use the opportunity while there was a compassionate person around. I love the idea of saying "thank you but I need to protect myself now" ... I find that extremely comforting. I feel like that could help redirect my mind when I'm falling asleep at night. not that I want to ignore the thoughts coming in, but maybe to try and ease the frequency a bit.

I know the man I found was grateful the first time I helped him, and I'm sure he knows I tried my best the second time around and I stayed and said farewell when they removed his body. My coworkers always complained about the guy but I enjoyed talking and joking with him, so maybe I can take some solace in knowing it may have given him comfort with me being the one to find him perhaps.

Thank you so much for the quote, I love that. It's so true. I'm trying to focus on the healing aspect and how this is making me stronger, and preparing me even more for my career.

Thank you so, so much. ♥

[authentic]

Originally Posted by Compendium

Since empowers talked about your trauma I want to bring up synchronicity.

911 is particular to lightworkers and since you where there during their time of need you helped them shoulder the burden and fear. Even for the poor man who overdosed. I am sure he was hanging around his vessel and seeing that someone really cared about his life helped eased his soul I am sure. Sometimes people are attracted to us as lightworkers in their time of tribulation. You give them a beacon of light in their darkness.

Namaste`

Thank you so much! I didn't even think of that! Wow. I love synchronicity, and I do feel the specific times they came up were interesting too (ie: the first dying man was during the time I decided I want to work in end-of-life care).

It's interesting you mention the man hanging around in his vessel...he had already been staying at my work for 2 days (it's a hotel). He was originally supposed to leave the day before I came into work. My shifts had suddenly dropped to one shift a weekend instead of the regular 2 shifts. That's crazy. It does feel kinda fitting now that I think about it, like you said maybe he sensed I really did care for him.

Thank you for such comforting words. ♥

Also ps I'm not sure why everything posts twice! Sorry guys!