As many of you know, I have recently moved out to follow through with the separation from my fiance of 16 years. I have gained some of my independence back and I'm actually enjoying my few hours alone time that I get every week. What I was scared of actually feels good to my soul, and deep down I always knew that being alone for a while was exactly what I needed. I'm so glad I followed my heart!
Anyways, I'm going through so many changes, listing our farm, letting my 2nd horse go this coming week, moving my remaining mare to board her out (first time that I won't be 100% in control of her care, and I'm actually ok with that
lol), having 4 weeks before I'm moving into the whole farm house I'm renting a room in right now, having to decide whether I want a 21 year old room mate to help me with the rent until our farm is sold, etc. And this is just the outer stuff, which is really insignificant when compared to the inner changes I've gone through lately.
Yesterday, I was meditating and all of a sudden this question popped into my head out of nowhere and it has taken off like a rocket since then! What if I was to pack up my stuff in Canada and move back home, ie Europe, to be with my family, relatives and friends. When I visited them back in January, my TF and I were still together and we both suffered being separated back then. We spent hours chatting on fb. Anyways, lots of friends and relatives were asking me whether I'd be coming back since I told them I was going through a separation, selling the house, etc.. Some outright assumed I was coming back after having lived in Canada for 18 years since I was splitting up with my fiance who most of them know, however, at that point that thought had not even crossed my mind. I love this country, absolutely love my job and the people I get to work with, and I love nature and wilderness which rejuvenates my spirit on a daily basis. I would miss that in Europe. Anyways, since meditating, this thought of packing up and leaving this beautiful country behind has been on my mind the whole time and I can't shake it. It's almost as prevalent as my TF
I guess I'm feeling homesick which is not a feeling I have felt a lot, but yet it's familiar. This time the feeling goes deeper though since I'm seriously considering moving back, trying to imagine what it would feel like to truly leave everything here behind... I always knew why my TF decided to move back home a month ago after he had lost his job. I think deep down we all feel like going home, feeling like we belong, being safe, and he gave me that feeling but since we were separated, both of us seem to have been longing to get this feeling from another source. I know it has always been right there, ready for us to grab, but for whatever reason both of us feel like we can only connect to it when we truly are physically back home.
I guess it has taken me a little longer to connect to it, or maybe I'm picking up on his feelings of being home and with family again. I don't know, but I was very surprised to be feeling this huge pull from my home again. In almost 2 decades I have never felt it this strongly. Does it feel right to be living so far away from my family and friends? Today it doesn't. Tomorrow may be a different story, but today I could pack my bags and leave this beautiful country behind, including TF, even though that would be the hardest, but he's not in my physical life right now anyways, so nothing would change in that respect. He went his own way, and I need to find my own way too, and if that means leaving behind all that I have built for myself here, so be it. I'm already going through a major life change, so I may as well find out what it is that I really want out of life! I will be happy as long as I can connect to my inner peace, and for me to do that, it doesn't matter where I live.
Life is sure interesting. When you think you have it all figured out, the next question pops up! But I'm not even scared of decisions like this anymore. I have gained such deep trust in the universe and spirit that I know whichever route I'll go, it will be the right one. It's just somewhat of a mystery why this is coming up right now, and the intensity it has hit me with is hard to fathom too! It is totally unexpected and hit me out of the blue but that's what life is all about. At least I have changed enough internally to not be pushing these feelings aside anymore but to truly process them and find out what they are trying to tell me. It's all about being open to hear the question that arises, no matter when! I just had to share.
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