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  #21  
Old 04-07-2020, 07:43 PM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 286
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JosephineB
Well done for speaking up OP. His reaction to it's not good though imo. Instead of you coming away feeling reassured, you've came out of it feeling foolish. He said he doesn't need to drink, and you're the most important person at the table, but he couldn't even last one evening without taking some. It's people's actions that count in the end, not just the words.
Hi JosephineB! Thank you. This is tricky for me. On one hand I had not earlier explained to him how his behavior was and how it had made me feel. So he was not aware of this from before, how bad it was. On the other I wanted to see too if he would handle it better if he drank or if he would go back to his old patterns now that he did know.

Beside his attitude changing in the past he was never one of those who would make stupid comments on women's bodies and never one to flirt with anyone else. He would instead tell another guy who did that telling him how disrespectful he was to his girlfriend.

I have never felt the need to be jealous when it comes to him drinking. I have a friend who has big trouble with hers as he just get lost when he drinks and I am not so sure he does not flirt with others. It's horrible.

he did handle it well that time when he drank but I would say it was less than he usually drinks (although he does not drink much then either) so it was a test.

Thing is I think it will be kind of boring if I am allowed to drink and everyone else but he is not allowed at all. If he can handle this having work through what ever it is that has caused this it is really swell, but if he can't then he has to make a choice and he has already let me know what that choice will be so then it is time for him to prove that, but we are not there yet. The others started drinking hours before and when asked him he politely declined. It was not until late that evening when I gave him the get-go-sign as I nod to him across the table and he took something to drink. He would not have taken it, I believe, if I had shook my head. But I still felt foolish not because it is his fault to make me feel foolish, but because I guess I make myself feel foolish. Even though he has said I am right.

When I started to think of this some more I have come to the conclusion that this comes from someone in his family because that person is the same way...sigh...so after having been brought up with that it is perhaps no surprise one think this is "cool" and "allowed", even if I would think he would then know what it would be like to be in the victim's shoes...

I know friends has told me in the past in past relationships that I have to speak up about what is bothering me to the guy, not just cut him off because I'm hurt. It can be that I am in the final step and ready to say goodbye, while he is like in the middle somewhere and doesn't know what is happening (because I have failed to tell him in the past). My guy has told me too that when I tell him something I have told him with such a gentle attitude that he does not understand how serious this is, and when I have finally raised my voice he is in shock to understand how serious it is and is then really afraid to loose me. So I have to find my voice somewhere in the middle, I guess. So I am really trying to make this different and make this last. I don't know if I am on the right path though, but I got to keep trying.

Thanks for your support :)
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  #22  
Old 05-07-2020, 05:34 AM
JosephineB JosephineB is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: The green & pleasant land
Posts: 3,402
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asearcher
Hi JosephineB! Thank you. This is tricky for me. On one hand I had not earlier explained to him how his behavior was and how it had made me feel. So he was not aware of this from before, how bad it was. On the other I wanted to see too if he would handle it better if he drank or if he would go back to his old patterns now that he did know.

Beside his attitude changing in the past he was never one of those who would make stupid comments on women's bodies and never one to flirt with anyone else. He would instead tell another guy who did that telling him how disrespectful he was to his girlfriend.

I have never felt the need to be jealous when it comes to him drinking. I have a friend who has big trouble with hers as he just get lost when he drinks and I am not so sure he does not flirt with others. It's horrible.

he did handle it well that time when he drank but I would say it was less than he usually drinks (although he does not drink much then either) so it was a test.

Thing is I think it will be kind of boring if I am allowed to drink and everyone else but he is not allowed at all. If he can handle this having work through what ever it is that has caused this it is really swell, but if he can't then he has to make a choice and he has already let me know what that choice will be so then it is time for him to prove that, but we are not there yet. The others started drinking hours before and when asked him he politely declined. It was not until late that evening when I gave him the get-go-sign as I nod to him across the table and he took something to drink. He would not have taken it, I believe, if I had shook my head. But I still felt foolish not because it is his fault to make me feel foolish, but because I guess I make myself feel foolish. Even though he has said I am right.

When I started to think of this some more I have come to the conclusion that this comes from someone in his family because that person is the same way...sigh...so after having been brought up with that it is perhaps no surprise one think this is "cool" and "allowed", even if I would think he would then know what it would be like to be in the victim's shoes...

I know friends has told me in the past in past relationships that I have to speak up about what is bothering me to the guy, not just cut him off because I'm hurt. It can be that I am in the final step and ready to say goodbye, while he is like in the middle somewhere and doesn't know what is happening (because I have failed to tell him in the past). My guy has told me too that when I tell him something I have told him with such a gentle attitude that he does not understand how serious this is, and when I have finally raised my voice he is in shock to understand how serious it is and is then really afraid to loose me. So I have to find my voice somewhere in the middle, I guess. So I am really trying to make this different and make this last. I don't know if I am on the right path though, but I got to keep trying.

Thanks for your support :)

Best wishes.
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