my stomach hurts, mood is terrible, brain is foggy

[shivatar]

Originally Posted by Golden Eagle

ahhh yes ..... i so know this trauma!
Oh did my belly ache for decades before ........
Before ...... GRACE washed it all away ~
Still think not Enlightenment an end ..... just a new beginning and oh how you will laugh as Grace enters Consciousness ~
How to proceed ...... can't answer as Grace works in ITS own way and on ITS timeless schedule ~
i can share what single CHOICE i made which preceded GRACE Consciousness though , in the midst of all memories resurfacing and my heart about to give out completely ...... i chose to Let Go and Forgive it all ...... and myself as well. In that what i call Unholiest Hour ......... in the INSTANT after the choice ...... PEACE! A peace which defies explanation ........ and the following morning , my head was abuzz in Ecstatic Joy ~!
You sound CLOSE to that INSTANT .......
i once had a friend who shared a similar story ..... and that helped me get through the hard part. Something he wrote ..... A messenger told me ..... or something like that ~ Google it maybe you will find something useful ~
he or she ..... can't remember ..... ummm....found it "A Messenger Once Told Me"

That moment came 6 years ago for me. In the midst of darkness I choose light and was given grace. For 42 days after that I lived in a bliss I can easily call heaven on earth. At the end of it I was asked to serve. I keep making excuses about why I can't serve totally yet, why I need to continue in my ways so I can be strong enough to fulfill the services the higher spirit asks of me. Fear and doubt have blocked my path for a long time now.

I don't know how a deep part of me went back into hating and not forgiving. If I were to make vows about forgiving and letting go now nothing would happen. The deepest parts of me are not willing to go forward and I can't figure out why or how I can move myself out of this muck. Even the "infinite pain" I feel isn't enough to motivate me. I guess I just have to keep feeling the pain until I finally get motivated.

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by shivatar

That moment came 6 years ago for me. In the midst of darkness I choose light and was given grace. For 42 days after that I lived in a bliss I can easily call heaven on earth. At the end of it I was asked to serve. I keep making excuses about why I can't serve totally yet, why I need to continue in my ways so I can be strong enough to fulfill the services the higher spirit asks of me. Fear and doubt have blocked my path for a long time now.

I don't know how a deep part of me went back into hating and not forgiving. If I were to make vows about forgiving and letting go now nothing would happen. The deepest parts of me are not willing to go forward and I can't figure out why or how I can move myself out of this muck. Even the "infinite pain" I feel isn't enough to motivate me. I guess I just have to keep feeling the pain until I finally get motivated.

the sun goes away for the night, and we think nothing of it... but when presented with 'unpleasant' (for lack of a better word) feelings we always want to immediately make it go away.

[Nature Grows]

You don't know what to do? just start with something, this is your healing journey Shivatar.

You can stop smoking the weed it most likely has nasty chemicals in it, if you feel like you can't stop it cold turkey then cut down at least until you don't smoke it at all.

Clean up your diet, fruits and veg eat them raw, cook or steam some veg sometimes if you feel the need and also grab a bit of seafood here an there just listen to your body and try your best to move forward with the most healthy diet you can, also get some powerful herbs to detox your body.

As for your trauma, you will feel better when you stop the weed and eat clean that's for sure, but if the inner child is hurting then your going to have to be there for it an nurture it, what else is there to do when a child is in pain? sure you can back track and analyse things and try figure out why this happend or that happend, that can be good for finding patterns in your behaviour and seeing why you have certain blocks or beliefs in your thinking that are not helpful to you so you can then delete them but still look after yourself, be there for you. Neglecting the inner child, giving it weed so it be's quiet for a little while is not gonna work well.

Also this is most likely not going to be an over night thing, to get out of this way your talking about, take steps at a time to move forward with this and if you don't feel like it or can't be bothered doing that, well, you've just got to because no one else can do it for you.

Hope ya feel better soon Shivatar. Thats my input on this.

[revolver]

Maybe you need to see a psychiatrist ?.

[shivatar]

Originally Posted by revolver

Maybe you need to see a psychiatrist ?.

The entire world would benefit from seeing a psychiatrist so that's not super helpful lol

Originally Posted by shivatar

The entire world would benefit from seeing a psychiatrist so that's not super helpful lol

"Those who seek help from a psychiatrist need to have their head examined."
Alan Watts

I agree with all nature grows wrote.

Diet. first and foremost, science just found out the bacteria in your gut can alter you mood significantly. Not to mention diet and sleep also affect your brain chemistry a lot.

I can fully attest to smoking too much. It's a cumulative drug that when done too much can cause depression and slight paranoia. not sure if its from the actual strand or the chemicals. Maybe even the energy from those harvesting and growing it as well. usually takes me about a month and a half before my mind clears up and i get less anxious and less "Mr. Scrooge like".

My biggest thing is when i start getting depressed or irritable i notice it correlates to my workout schedule dramatically. When they say exorcise releases good brain chemicals they aren't lying.

Just offering what i have noticed about myself and i wanted to throw in the Alan Watts quote. as what he is implying there in the lecture is gold for your situation right now.

[shivatar]

Originally Posted by Emm

Have you read the book "The Untethered Soul" by Michael A. Singer? Its an insightful book that might just help you understand yourself and what you're going through which I believe is the road to self healing. Hope it helps.

I've read like half of it. Listened to it on scribd actually.

[shivatar]

thanks everybody! The responses have been so helpful.

[shivatar]

I wake up at 4 am to go to work but I don't meditate or do yoga. I usually hit the snooze button 3 times, get dressed in 5 minutes and leave for work feeling kind of groggy.


Yeah, unfortunately surrender to God isn't a magic bullet. Sometimes God is like "I surrender to you too! Do what you want to do!" and I'm just like pulling my hair out. lol.

Thanks for the information on distress tolerance.

I like the idea of mood gym, and for 40$ for a year I think I can manage that when I get into better finances.

I'm hearing a lot about gut bacteria and it's encouraging me to eat healthier. I think my gut bacteria is terrible from about a decade of straight junk food eating and bingeing. I bet I will feel loads better after a month of healthy diet.

[shivatar]

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

One more thing - before I take an internet hiatus for a while (due to a total lack of logical communication online) and it's something to ponder.

I feel there must be a reason why two individuals such as we, who have so much in common are thrown together on this forum.

I also have a history of childhood trauma, I have random pain, no emotion whatsoever, am an 'empty shell', used to smoke a lot of weed (but don't anymore), know all the Tantras, have been visited by Shiva/Rudra, I am 'lazy', I'm a 'quitter'...I could go on and on about our similarities. Also, we've seen how, somehow, our individual moods and states of being tends to influence and affect each other....I am at a total loss to explain this.

I think that we are somehow meant to help each other out here...and the universe has done this for a reason!

What else do I think? what I think is that we both know what it is we need to do to help/heal/cure ourselves but we are not doing it because it is 'too hard' but in doing so, we become totally used to the way things are...have always been. At first, we are comfortable with it, used to it, but after some time, it confines us...we are suffocated by it...but unable to break free and break out of it, so we totally resign ourselves to it, and total numbness and a total loss of all emotion, pleasure, desire and attachment results which we then mistake for 'spiritual progress'.

It is hard to break free, to escape that box of conditioning we have placed ourselves in because it has served us up to a point, but we urge to go beyond that point, but the bulls*** that we keep telling ourselves stops us...."It is too hard"..."I am too tired"..."I don't feel like it"...."I'll do it later"...."I don't care".

While ever we remain a slave to this 'demon' that seeks to sabotage our efforts at getting better...at moving on...at doing anything, we'll forever remain exactly where we are...so we'll read books, make plans, try to fool ourselves into thinking we are doing something due to all our 'good intentions' alone...until we get reminded about that whole 'no pain, no gain' thing...and that's not only on the physical level.

God is the biggest 'personal trainer' out there...and you may surrender your heart and soul to Him, only for Him to go; "drop and give me 50 push-ups...stat!" and you say "awww...do I gots to?" and God just gives a divine sigh...Shiva isn't called "Yogeshwara" (God of Yoga) for nothing and love/surrender to God is not enough, because it is really true that "God only helps those who help themselves!" and if you are a quitter, then God will quit on you as well...sad but true.

God will give you those experiences, show you the bliss, let you taste the carrot and then dangle it in front of your nose and you will have to work at it from then on and work really hard to get it back again...it was so easy the first time, but then it keeps getting harder...and harder...and the 'men from the boys' all become sorted out...the 'quitters from the persevere-ers' become sorted out and that which once aroused emotions within us, fail to do so anymore.

As unfortunate as it is, we can't afford the 'luxury' of staying in bed until 9am, eating whatever we like, vegging out in front of the TV, not doing any 'spiritual work' on ourselves because it is 'too hard' (only because we've become so used to our 'comfort zone', it's going to take an atomic bomb under our bum to move us)...but unless we somehow break through...just by taking one baby step that we can keep up every day, then that is a start...but what happens? we miss a day and punish ourselves with guilt over that for a whole week.

It took years for the trauma to happen and manifest and unfortunately, it's going to take that long to get over it in proportion...but unless a start is made and a progression is made that doesn't involve 'setting goals' and 'planning' without carrying any of them through, nothing will get done, nothing will change and we'll be in that place where nothing exists, but not in any 'blissful' way whatsoever, even if we once felt it.

Om Namah Shivaya

What were you like when you quit smoking weed?

Usually when I quit I go into this mode of "I have to make up for lost time, I have to do-do-do!". After a few days of that I smoke weed so that "boss" me will settle down. When I'm smoking and lamed I am always saying "where is my strength?! man I would kill to be able to connect with my power right now" Then I mope about how I can't stop smoking weed even though it disconnects me from my power. I guess I need to learn to wield my strength, right now it's so great it makes me buckle underneath it.


Indeed, it's too hard. What is hard to me is failing again, being embarrased, accepting love from another, loving others unselfishly and unconditonally, and competing with others. Unfortunately when I avoid those things I basically avoid all of life so I'm miserable.

I like what you said about progression. It's definitely important to get some kind of momentum going, and to also not set goals that will ultimately not be carried out.