I don't Want to Get Married nor Have Children

[Joseph123]

I believe that I have decided that I do not want to get married nor have children. I feel that my intuition is leading me in that direction and that that path is what is appropriate for me in this life.

However, this raises another concern with me. There is a very particular type of personality that I like in a woman - kind, caring, compassionate, outgoing, friendly, talkative, affectionate, bubbly. I fear that any woman with the aforementioned traits would very much want to have children. I further fear that any woman who does not want to have children is of that position because she lacks characteristics that one might refer to as being "maternal," which happen to align with those traits to which I referred previously.

If what I just described is accurate, do you think that, if I were to enter a relationship with a woman with the personality that I like, she might end the relationship when she discovers that I do not want to have children? Since it seems that a lot of women are dating in order to find a woman with whom to eventually have children, would it be unethical of me to not inform her fairly soon of my intentions, such that she does not waste her time?


Thanks

Originally Posted by Joseph123

There is a very particular type of personality that I like in a woman - kind, caring, compassionate, outgoing, friendly, talkative, affectionate, bubbly.

No~~~ really?
You do not like shy, cranky, depressed, antisocial, selfish, unaffectionate, and bubble bursting personality traits in a woman? ?
What is wrong with you?

Just kidding.. I just could not help myself. LOL

Ok, I used to be like you and I am a woman.
In this incarnation, I chose a certain life path for a lesson.
Life is a journey and the road changes as you pass each lesson.
In my case, I got married in my 40's. I may actually be adopting a child or two after next year.

However, as you are listening to your soul when navigating your life path, you will know when a right person comes along and you will also know if you chose to be a parent in this life.
There are many ways to become a parent and you may meet a woman who already has child/children of her own.

Keep all your options and your heart open.
If it is meant to be, it will be.

FYI, I know lots of woman who chose to not have any children; however, they are absolutely wonderful and caring people.
They chose their own life missions that affect macro scale of the humanity, rather than the micro scale of a family life.
Just look at our history or even our society, you find many women who never had any children but they are caring contributing members of our society.
Just as you chose to not have a biological child does not make you to be a difficult person.

Originally Posted by Joseph123

I believe that I have decided that I do not want to get married nor have children. I feel that my intuition is leading me in that direction and that that path is what is appropriate for me in this life.

However, this raises another concern with me. There is a very particular type of personality that I like in a woman - kind, caring, compassionate, outgoing, friendly, talkative, affectionate, bubbly. I fear that any woman with the aforementioned traits would very much want to have children. I further fear that any woman who does not want to have children is of that position because she lacks characteristics that one might refer to as being "maternal," which happen to align with those traits to which I referred previously.

If what I just described is accurate, do you think that, if I were to enter a relationship with a woman with the personality that I like, she might end the relationship when she discovers that I do not want to have children? Since it seems that a lot of women are dating in order to find a woman with whom to eventually have children, would it be unethical of me to not inform her fairly soon of my intentions, such that she does not waste her time?


Thanks

Hi there,

Interesting post.

But I do think you'd need to tell someone sooner rather than later. Maybe not for the first few dates, unless she brings it up, but you do have to do the decent thing.

And yes, your honesty could end the relationship, but I'm assuming you don't want to deliberately hurt someone, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread.

Good luck
LL

Originally Posted by Nada

No~~~ really?
You do not like shy, cranky, depressed, antisocial, selfish, unaffectionated, and bubble bursting personality traits in a woman? ?
What is wrong with you?

Just kidding.. I just could not help myself. LOL

Nada,

That was funny!

LL

[fire]

Beliefs, beliefs, beliefs. If you feel that you are prone to certain circumstances, it is likely to turn that way for you too. I apologise for my direct tone with this, but it is indeed how this reality tends to unfold.

I would advice you find a way to permanently clear the beliefs and the associated fear. Because if one doesn't clear a belief from one's system, one is feeding it either through participation or resistance.

The only suggestion I can think of right now is to apply self-forgiveness and see how that works in application. Make it as heartfelt as possible and forgive yourself for having allowed yourself to think, feel and believe that women of your desired personality characteristics must want children, and that women who do not want children always have unwanted personality characteristic.

They are only beliefs and not definitions of reality. You can be do and have anything you desire, if you can keep yourself clear from limiting beliefs.

Do also address the fear and worry and whatever else may be associated.

[Belle]

Your thoughts are right for the now, and it's good to know what you want for the now rather than clutching at straws. But, as has been said, keep your heart and mind open for anything to change. You may or may not change your views.

Joseph,
I feel you are young & your feelings may stem from a past life where you failed your children in a big time way so, you do not want the responsibility
of children in this lifetime. A past life regression may help pinpoint & release those feelings.

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by Joseph123

I believe that I have decided that I do not want to get married nor have children. I feel that my intuition is leading me in that direction and that that path is what is appropriate for me in this life.

However, this raises another concern with me. There is a very particular type of personality that I like in a woman - kind, caring, compassionate, outgoing, friendly, talkative, affectionate, bubbly. I fear that any woman with the aforementioned traits would very much want to have children. I further fear that any woman who does not want to have children is of that position because she lacks characteristics that one might refer to as being "maternal," which happen to align with those traits to which I referred previously.

If what I just described is accurate, do you think that, if I were to enter a relationship with a woman with the personality that I like, she might end the relationship when she discovers that I do not want to have children? Since it seems that a lot of women are dating in order to find a woman with whom to eventually have children, would it be unethical of me to not inform her fairly soon of my intentions, such that she does not waste her time?


Thanks

Hello Joseph and it's always good to be honest with yourself. LOL@Nada's comment btw

In general I would say however, you may be limiting yourself to say that I don't want this or that -- or even, I must not have this or that,
just as some do when they say I want or must have this or that. Being marriage & children in your case.

However, that said, let's go from where you are now
I agree generally with the comments made above from the other posters.
However I also think that -- speaking very broadly -- you are right to assume that a woman would or certainly at least might want not only children but also (and perhaps first) marriage. And that if you don't want that, then yes you certainly should make that clear very early on. This is just basic courtesy -- as you yourself would not want to get emotionally & physically involved with a woman who then turned & left you on a dime because she insisted on someone who was willing to marry & who wanted children -- and who didn't tell you that up front, before you got involved.

And whilst I certainly see common law arrangements as viable options, they are not legally available everywhere. I also think that, positive thinking aside, you are right to consider what sort of woman would want a man that has already ruled out any long-term commitment that can't be undone at literally a moment's notice, LOL. They certainly may well be women who think more as you do on the issue, and any sort of public or long-term commitment and stability may not be high on their list. You are right to assume that they *may* also be those who are less willing to invest in you and in the relationship emotionally, and I understand your concern here.

Even without children in the picture (who do need a stable and caring presence, someone who is committed to the child, and at least some basic material means of support)...

Even so, many women who are stable and grounded and yes very loving and affectionate will often gravitate toward those who are, regardless of their personality and interests, willing and able to land in their hearts and affections with one woman in the here and now. This means as women go from 20s to 30s in particular (and the journey of self-awareness only continues), they are (again broadly speaking) less and less likely to spend a good deal of time with someone who is unwilling or unable for whatever reason to commit on a variety of levels.

There is a fear of taking a decision, of grounding and living in the here and now, that comes across when ppl take a philosophical stand across the board against public and legal forms of commitment that often does tend to push many women away when they would otherwise be inclined to come closer. Simply put, it's often difficult to deeply trust and extend yourself emotionally for someone who has said they won't do this or that regarding commitment.

We all need freedom and love, and commitment has to honour both of these and be freely chosen. But in any aspect of one's life, not just partnership, committing to your life in the moment is key. if you are taking the commitment part off the table, it's hard to find either true freedom or deep and lasting love in a partnership. You have to decide what you truly value and where your boundaries are.

Many people have valid reasons for not being available to get out and meet someone, much less commit, and often these have to do with work, study, illness, &/or caregiving of some kind. But these aside, especially as people come to their 30's and beyond, it can and often does send an impression that you are not serious about relationships and that the time, presence, and heart of another is not something you plan to get overly attached to.

So I sincerely commend you for looking into yourself and for looking out for the hearts of others whose paths you may cross.
I think it is wise and thoughtful, and hopefully will continue to lead you to further insights on your journey.
I also think that the recommendation for soul healing is a very good one, for both past-life and current-life wounds.
There are very few of us who wouldn't benefit from healing, as long as you trust and are comfortable with the healer and their good intention.

Peace & blessings,
7L

[Joseph123]

I should mention that I consider marriage to be something that is symbolic. I do not really care anything about. If two people are in a committed relationship, I do not think that it really matters what one calls it.

Thank you very much for your helpful responses, but I suppose that this topic should actually be discussing my not wanting to have children and how that might affect my romantic interactions in the future.

[Joseph123]

I used to be obsessed with finding a romantic partner and with having children. I never had any sort of a family when I was a boy and therefore sought to create my own.

I think that, for me, in this lifetime, my decision is best. Perhaps the most accurate indication of the fact that the decision was the proper one for me is that I have felt absolutely wonderful since having arrived at this position. It feels as though all of the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders.

I feel as though I am now able to better interact with romantic partners and potential partners. Beneath the surface, I think that many people view dating as a means to an end. They are on a mission, to find a spouse and someone with whom to have a child. As a person with a lot of issues with regard to gender relations, I am now able to approach relationships with women without some sort of a perverse goal in the back of my mind: I will enjoy my dinner with you this evening because I enjoy your company and, if we mutually enjoy each other enough, let us spend time together like this for as long as possible; without any conditions nor labels nor expectations.

I do not mean to give the impression that I do not want a long-term and committed relationship with a woman because I certainly do. I am very much a "one-woman man."