I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

[Really!]

(((Coastal-Light)))

Have you tried EMDR? Eye Movement Desentization and Reprocessing ...
Its sounds as if you have PTSD = Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ...
Goggle licenced "EMDR Therapist" for one in your area ...
Its a tremendous help w/severe depression such as yours ...

I'm so sorry your losses began at such a young age especially w/your father's death being incredibly traumatic ...
My husband died when our 2 youngest were 11& 13, my understanding is they will have a 2nd round of processing grief/death from an adult's perspective ...
My daughter's 2nd round started a couple of months ago at the of 22 when her former HS orchestra teacher died from cancer as well as her childhood grief therapist. I've suggested EMDR therapy, so far she thinks she can cope w/the losses on her own ...

No mstter your beliefs, God created therapists, doctors, herbalists, etc to help w/human issues ...

Blessings ...

[Shrek]

anxiety should be cure...
try to find ways to do it yourself...

earn more money... try to do work or business... have more confident in these... though people say money cant buy happiness, we can do a lot with that, not only for ourselves but for people around us...

along the process, be good to ourselves and others

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by Coastal~Light

I probably need a lot of healing, brain reworking and goodness knows what else.

Short story. I've had major anxiety issues all my life from when I can remember. That with being so down all the time and the past 34 years of my life having been mundane and me doing nothing or getting nowhere, no matter how hard I try.

I've had a lot of family die, watched my dad die slowly during my childhood, then grandparents. My mum has the worse version of MS. My neighbour and friend is dying of cancer just found out they're having to move. I house share unhappily with my ex. Have a dog together that he makes me feel a lot of guilt over leaving. Have a lot of upset over having to leave him, my dog that is as I love him so much. I go to my mums when I can but feel guilty for abandoning my dog and when I'm there it just brings it home how lonely I am and how little I have in life, nothing. In a long distance relationship that has issues and is complicated, not making either happy at the moment, plus I can't do long distance and have been doing this for two years now. He has small children so it would be me moving to be with him, the thought of leaving what little family I have here is so hard, and it does scare me starting over somewhere with someone and not thinking it will end in hurt and upset for me, I do love him, there's just issues and my insecurities etc getting in the way.

I still struggle majorly with anxiety, hardly leave the house, not alone anyway. Have been on medications, but no good and the side effects weren't worth it to me so stopping them all now. I've no job outside so hardly any money other than what I can make online which isn't much at all.

No matter what I seem to do, or try, or believe, I just can't snap out of this cloud of **** that I'm in. I feel sick constantly, a failure, a let down, have no confidence, little self esteem, insecurities, and constantly just feel so down and what's the point with anything.

The doctors have asked if I'd hurt myself and as much as I think about how death would be a glad release and heaven would be so much better than here, my spiritual beliefs of being here to evolve and learn mean that I wouldn't do anything like that, I'd only have to come back and have the lessons in another life so I might as well suffer it all now. Though this does get harder as the years go by and everything is still the same.

I have no idea of what to do. I'm miserable. I don't even know what to try and do anymore. I can't handle the thought of the rest of my life like the past 34, I'm 35 soon and I hate how my life is a failure, how I don't have a family and the things that matter in my life at this point. I want to help everyone and give everyone so much, my family, I don't have any money to help any of them and that makes me feel the biggest let down and failure.

I'm just constantly feeling sick, upset, down, stuck, confused, in a cloud of I don't know what to do. Most days when I wake up I roll over and go back to sleep, I'd prefer to be sleeping all the time to be honest. Everything else is just so hard, tiring and what's the point in it.

It sounds more like depression than anxiety.

It's often difficult to distinguish between the two, but one needs to, in order to find a medication that works and as unfortunate as it is, you either put up with the side-effects or put up with the depression - there isn't a third option here.

For ages I have been putting up with it - the total impatience with mundane affairs, the annoyance with children behaving badly, the frustration with always having to queue up for everything, the intolerance for repetitive sounds, the negativity about any hope for mankind's future...I'm always losing things, always forgetting things and I often get half way through a sentence and stop because I forgot how I was going to finish it. My head feels like it is full of cotton wool all the time and everything is a huge effort. Even breathing is an effort and when I get home from shopping, it feels like I have just run a marathon.

This isn't anxiety whatsoever...it is depression!

All my negative thoughts and my inability to do all this 'affirmation stuff' all stems from having severe, clinical depression.

In 2017, I am going back on anti-depressants and I'm not going to stop until I find a 'happy pill' that works! I am that committed and dedicated to getting well and fixing this, I am willing to try/do anything, so it's going to be a lot of 'trial and error'...even if they can do a PET scan and find out what chemicals my brain needs to function properly - that would be a good start.

I would like to have my serotonin, norpinephrine and dopamine levels measured before they start me on any drugs designed to muck around with them.

Granted, 'depression' is just a label, but if we are going to go down that road, then my 'irritability', 'frustration', 'negativity', 'intolerance', 'memory loss' and 'mood swings' are all only 'labels' too.

What I am going to do is NOT STOP until I get the answers which satisfy me fully - even if I have to go to every doctor and specialist within my state.

All the best with your journeys.